***Warning, long post ahead***
There's been a thing here lately, about sexual abuse and some junior hockey players. They were found not guilty of that abuse, but this left a bad taste in my mouth. Not because i believe the court wrong, i don't think it was wrong, but because of the morals here. Morally what happened was wrong. In a nutshell... a guy had sex with a girl. Then he texted his buddies to come over for a little fun...Now the room is filled with 5 big guys and one small naked girl. She says she did things because she was terrified of what they might do to her.
I believe that. I have lived that. But it was this article that brought a tear to my eyes this morning. If you are a survivor or know one, like me. Then read. If you want to know how to help people who are survivors , read this. If you are tired of how men are thought of these days, read about the two young men in this.
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The article below is by Farrah Khan, Contributor to the Toronto Star
Farrah Khan is a gender justice advocate, educator, and counsellor who has worked in the movement to end sexual violence for over 25 years.
One of the most high-profile sexual assault cases in Canadian sports history has ended in acquittals, a stark reminder that the legal system feels less like a path to justice and more like an obstacle course built to exhaust and discredit people who report. So where does that leave us? What can we do after the verdict, outrage and inevitable backlash?
We know what comes next: There will be takes declaring the “death” of #MeToo, despite its founder, Tarana Burke’s steady reminder that Me Too is a movement, not a moment. Misinformation and rape myths will be plastered across social media, echoed in comment sections and dropped casually into family group chats. Every phone notification will give you a sinking feeling in your stomach, like a brick thrown into water.
If you are a survivor, you might be wondering if anyone is safe to trust with your story. We ask so much of you: to disclose, report, testify, be strong. The assumption being that bravery is something survivors owe the world. We asked this from E.M., the complainant in the trial of five hockey players from the 2018 Canadian junior national team.
What if being brave wasn’t something survivors are expected to do? Instead of twisting our hands when verdicts such as these come down, what if we outstretched them and flipped the script? What if being brave was something we, as community members, do when someone discloses they have been subjected to sexual assault?
How we respond to disclosures can profoundly impact a survivor’s healing. According to Statistics Canada (2019), there were approximately 940,000 incidents of sexual assault in Canada in a year, yet only 6 per cent were reported to police. These numbers aren’t just statistics; they are people we know, love, and cherish in our communities.
Unknowing to you, a survivor might be working up the courage to share what they have been subjected to, especially in light of the Hockey Canada verdict. How we show up in those moments can shape a survivor’s world.
I know this not only because I’ve supported countless survivors but also because I am one. As I sit with the outcome of this trial, I’m brought back to a memory of when I was a 12-year-old who had never left me: the moment two people showed me care as I disclosed for the first time.
They were two 13-year-old boys.
These two boys sat across from me at the back of our elementary school bus. They were goofing off like usual, slapping the backs of seats, tossing jabs. I sat still, silently staring at the peeling green vinyl seat, tears streaking down my face. I didn’t want to go home. My grandfather was there and I knew what would happen. I couldn’t keep pretending. So I told them: no big speech, just a few broken sentences between sobs.
And they stopped. No teasing. No questions. Just quiet. They listened. Then they walked me home and sat on the front steps until my parents arrived. One of them offered to stay with me to protect me. We weren’t close friends. But still, they showed up. They checked in throughout the year. No fanfare. Just presence. That moment didn’t fix anything, but it cracked the silence vast enough for me to breathe.
A couple of years after that first disclosure, I created The BRAVE model to help my family and peers understand what support could look like for survivors. I was scared of what would happen if I told anyone else.
And I’m not alone in that. A 2019 report from Statistics Canada found that many survivors fear not being taken seriously. One-in-five victims of sexual assault in Canada is subjected to victim-blaming or is made to feel responsible. If you’re reading this and experiencing something similar, I want you to know: it is not your fault. I believe you. You are not alone.
The BRAVE model is an easy-to-remember and important-to-practice, five-step framework for responding to disclosures of sexual assault. It’s about staying present, not perfect, when it matters most.
B: Begin by listening
When someone tells you they’ve been subjected to harm, your first job is to listen, not to investigate, not to fix. Listen. Set aside distractions. Make space. Don’t press for details. Follow their lead. Let your body language say: I’m here. I’m with you.
You might feel unsure or overwhelmed. That’s OK and perfectly normal. Take some deep breaths and ground yourself. This moment is about them, not you. You will make time for self-care after the conversation.
R: Respect confidentiality
What someone shares with you is theirs. It is not yours to post, whisper about, or use to prove a point. Never share someone’s story without explicit permission. If a child is in danger or there’s an immediate risk, follow legal and safety protocols. Otherwise, remember: survivors get to choose if, when, and how they share their story.
A: Ask what support looks like for them
Too often, we assume what people need. We jump to action before asking a simple, powerful question: What does support look like for you? Do they want help finding resources? Do they just need someone to sit with them? Do they want to laugh, cry, play video games, or watch a favourite show? Let them define care and justice. Your role is to honour their needs, not decide for them.
V: Validate
Survivors are often met with doubt, shame, and silence. You can interrupt that by showing that you believe in, care for, and honour them. Some ways to express this can be: It wasn’t your fault. You are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Affirm them, remind them that they have support, including you.
E: Empathize
Your role is to have compassion for the person sharing with you and yourself. Bearing witness to harm has impacts. Being gentle with yourself is a vital part of providing good support. It is normal to have feelings after hearing a disclosure. Reach out for confidential support through a sexual assault centre or community organization. Make your self-care plan.
Through my work as a counsellor, educator and advocate, I have learned that disclosure is not a one-time event. Our social location, including, but not limited to, race, class, gender, sexuality, ability, and citizenship status, impacts how we are heard, heal and access justice as survivors.
I saw this as a peer educator in Toronto high schools, as a therapist supporting women who had been subjected to sexual and gender-based violence, and while leading a national framework to address campus sexual violence across Canada.
Yet, every setting has a universal truth: survivors want to be heard without judgment. To be supported without hesitation. We can all show up for survivors like those two boys did for me.
To E.M., may you find rest. May you know you are cared for.
To all survivors, may your story always be met with a soft place to land.
Being brave isn’t a one-time action; it’s a practice of choosing to show up for each other out loud. You don’t have to have all the answers. You can be that safer person for survivors. Show up. Do the work. Learn. Be BRAVE.
