JayT

On Thursday May 17, 2007, my best friend surprised me. Wait, let me back up a little bit. In February 2005 I met my best friend and the man I am convinced, even to this day, is/was my soulmate, at an NA meeting. We weren’t friends at first. Later, he would confess that I scared him because I was openly gay. He wasn’t homophobic. He just wasn’t out of the closet; even to himself. Once we started hanging out, we became inseparable. We either saw each other or spoke on the phone every single d

Today is the hardest day of the year for me...I only knew him for just over two years....but we were totally there for each other for those two years....I know if he were still alive, we would still be together. Don't know if it would have ever gotten really physical (physically-he was SO NOT my type) but spiritually and emotionally we would not have changed at all...I did always tell him he had noassatall syndrome aka back with a crack

This is a true story. The events described happened to me. Nothing has been changed or altered or embellished.

I love your honesty. lol....Thanks for the side-story. It adds closure in my mind. hehehe

Yup. I always thought he might come back someday. I mean he was the first guy CJ really did anything with right. Since him (CJ) and the guy on base had only gotten undressed.

slap me out of love and call me bitch when you pull my hair...oh wait...ummm never mind

tim- I heard y'all loud and clear but you know my mind over analyzes the fact that I over-analyze everything.. Y'all's message finally penetrated through just before I arrived at my grandparents.. Thanks for being there during my 'crisis '

So, it's been just over a week since my last blog post. Thank y'all for talking me through my over-analytical mind fuck of the possible situation. Thank the gods I didn't have to face the bitch-in-law, since my brother was the only one that came from Austin. She evidently fell off a ladder or some bullshit and hurt her back. Oh and all of the kids were sick with a stomach virus, conveniently. That was probably for the best. The first night we were down there, I had to sleep out in my aunt and uncle's travel trailer, with no power (no ac-only open windows). The second night, I said eff that and rented me a cabin out at the KOA. By the time we got down there on Friday afternoon, my brain had stopped over-analyzing how was supposed to feel. I decided that if I felt something I would just go with it, if I still felt nothing, oh well. It didn't mean I loved my grandfather any less. I just accepted the fact he was gone. Everyone cried around me. I could tell my brother's sobs were....I won't say forced, but something wasn't right. He looked like he was crying. His eyes were scrunched up and his face was red. His breathing was spot on like a crier would be breathing. One thing was missing. The tears. He had no tears. It wasn't that he wiped them away. They weren't there. I don't know why I noticed that, but there it is. What does it mean? Nothing. I'm not accusing of faking his sorrow. I believe he was upset. But I think he knew he was supposed to be upset and filled the role of the mourner. My cousin and I almost got into a fight at the cemetery. Over me joking with my brother. I walked my grandmother to the grave site tent and made sure she was situated in her chair. While I did this, the rest of the family filled the tent. My parents, aunt and uncle, cousins and their wives and kids and step-kids all took a seat. When I went to sit next to my grandmother, the only seat left open, my brother brushed past me and said, "Hey bro, let me sit here." *Backstory* In 1990, my brother had an AVM which is an internal brain injury kinda like an aneurysm, so he has what is known as "left-side neglect". This means he walks with a limp and noticeably has to force his left arm and hand to work "normal". On top of that, a few months ago, an 18-wheeler hit his SmartCar and he now has a herniated disc. *End Backstory* So, I didn't mind letting him sit there. I was a little upset when I looked up and saw that there were no more seats. I said to my brother jokingly (which he took it as such since he smiled and laughed a little so did my mom and dad) "Guess I'll be the only family member standing." My cousin overreacted and stood up. You could hear his annoyance and frustration when he told me to "Just sit here then, Jay." I told him I was only joking and didn't mind standing. My dad even stood up to stand with me. I told my cousin to sit back down with his family, I was fine. But he refused. I let it go and didn't say another word to him. I don't even think I told him bye when my dad and I left. Anyways to make a long story short (TOO LATE!!!!) The tears never came. The sadness never came. Like I said before, i wasn't numb, I was almost apathetic. More along the lines of accepted the reality and didn't force sadness. Today, I feel the exact same. Only now I don't have my mind going 90 to nothing telling me I needed to feel something. On a positive note- I had my mom's Mother's Day Flowers delivery address changed to my grandparents. So on Friday afternoon, FedEx delivered 12 blush pink and 12 darker pink roses to my mom.

He already has his hot guy.....There better not be any other for either of them, or you'll have to deal with this-

Trust me it sucks and you don't realize you're really doing it until you write it down and go back read what you've written. Some circular thinking takes a while to notice the cycle.

The problem is that once you're in a circular line of thought...there's no ending it. One thing causes something that is caused by this that cause the one thing that causes something that is caused by the one thing that causes something ...

Right now Chris is talking in circles....i feel bad for what I did....i deserve this punishment...what I did was wrong...I feel bad for what I did...he needs someone to pull him out of this circular thinking or he'll do it till he goes crazy

wow this chapter didn't end with sex.....just saying hehehe...and whatever happened to Landon??? just curious...

yup Kyle is used to having him around hehehe

so Kyle is used to having him around huh

Hey Carlos excellent job! I sent you a message but I'll say it here too just in case....it's January but you put the baby's b-day as February 17. I didn't think this was a Sci-Fi story with time travel.

hmmm makes me wonder what thoughts Mr. Chris is having...Michael was so in lust with Aiden he wanted to be his bitch

I know there is no wrong way to mourn. My family feels differently. I experienced it to some degree in 2009 when my other grandparents died. Because I wasn't acting sad, my mom didn't think i was reacting correctly.

I thought about me being in shock at first. I did a quick emotional and psychological inventory on myself and honestly, I'm not in shock. I can sit here and say yes I will miss him. But I think I'm moving away from apathetic towards being okay with it, which will still not be an appropriate response according to some members of my family. I'm dreading seeing my family. I know my family loves me, but it's almost like none of them know how to talk to me. I have always been the black sheep of the family. The odd one out. There are times when they unintentionally make me feel like a pariah. I know that's going to be the case for the next few days. And gods forbid my brother and bitch-in-law (I mean sister-in-law) should show up with their kids. My bitch-in-law won't allow me to be around my nieces and nephew. I have 4 nieces and a nephew. Two of the nieces and the nephew I've never seen. My oldest three nieces I haven't seen in probably three or four years. My brother just goes along with whatever decision his wife makes regarding me. My parents won't stand up to her for me. They say that they won't choose a side. From where I'm standing, they are choosing a side. I have spent the last two Christmas Days alone because my parents will go to Austin to be with them. Granted, this year I did go to my grandparents on Christmas day, but nobody spoke to me unless they had to. I know I was welcomed, but I didn't feel like anyone wanted me to be there. And it wasn't just in my head. Imagine sitting there while every single other person in the room received a gift and they all opened their gifts in front of me. They all knew weeks probably months ahead that I would be there that day while my parents were with my brother and his family. There was nothing for me. Not even a card. Nobody said anything to me. They only told me Merry Christmas if I said it to them first. There were thirteen people there including me. Alright enough of this pity party. Sorry to go on and on like this.

Thank you. Why is it our families think that if one of us isn't showing emotion, we're not mourning correctly. Hell, the man lived almost 91 years. He lived a full life. What's there to mourn? I think the only thing he ever wanted to do that he never got the chance to do was go to Israel; even then, he would say I would like to see the "Holy Lands" and I know he meant Israel as it was in the Bible, not now.

My grandfather died. I should feel sad right? I feel nothing. I loved my grandfather and I know he loved me, he told all of us every chance he got that he loved us. I don't even feel bad that I'm not really sad. My brain is telling me that this makes me a sick and fucked up person. My mind is also telling me that I know I should feel a certain way. And then it tells me that I should feel ashamed that I'm not sad. Don't get me wrong....I'm not happy. On the other hand, I'm not sad either. I guess I'm apathetic right now. If I admitted that anywhere else, I would fear judgement. Fear isn't the right word. I'm not afraid of being judged; I just don't want to have to deal with it. Honesty time: Since I'm posting this here, it's becoming more and more obvious that I someone to call me on my bullshit right now. Am I looking for a fight? Maybe. If someone tried to call me on my bullshit right now, I would get extremely emotional trying to justify the fact that I'm supposedly apathetic right now. The definition of apathetic is: adjective 1. having or showing little or no emotion. Wow how much of an oxymoron could I be. And look what happens when you remove oxy from the word. You have a moron. (kinda like when you remove the "r" from friend you have fiend. That's why I always warn my friends to beware of friends without an "r"). Having wrote this, it still doesn't change the fact that right now, at this precise moment, I'm truly feel apathetic. Even though I know I should feel something, and I would feel something if someone tried to challenge my apathetic mood right now, I still feel emotionless. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should fake being sad tomorrow when I get around my family. Everyone else will be sad and upset. If they knew that I was feeling this apathetic, they would question me. I can already hear the conversations: Aren't you upset that Pawpaw is gone? Do you care that he's gone? Do you care about anyone other than yourself? Can't you see how upset your grandmother is? You need to get over yourself and help your Mawmaw. Am I over-analyzing this? I honestly don't know. HELP!!!!!!!

I forgot to say earlier...great chapter

"Park was the alpha. Our dads were dead, my brother had been tortured, and our mother was on the edge with her mate’s soul in another man’s body. She was holding it together, but I could see the cracks." If Park is the alpha what is Deke? I think he gave himself a promotion hehehe

For some, this is the only family they have. My parents don't want to know that I'm gay. Like I said in the blog this is the only family I have that accepts I'm gay.

Sounds like fun, sign me up.