JayT

Granted, now everyone is driving a horse and buggie. I wish I could have a toned body without working out.

I was actually starting a blog that basically says...for ten years I've had pain and guilt and anger to carry but there was never any regrets. I would not have changed one single thing that happened. When I started writing this, I didn't know why it felt like I HAD to do it. In the past 20 hours, I've let go of all of the guilt and pain. Now that those are gone, there's no anger. I think I felt like I had to write this so that I could finally work through everything and let it go. (the cold never bothered me anyway-Elsa rocked the sexy braid and dress)

the hardest part to let go of is the anger...not that he's gone...he made that choice and made sure he went out on his terms...the anger stems from the question that will never be answered...Why did he set everything up so that I would find him alone? The fact that he can't tell me I wanted you to find me because...whatever. I mean part of me wants to go see that blonde bitch in Long Island (the Medium) and see if she has a message for me...

Granted, but he only has eyes for his squire. I wish my knee would stop hurting

fireworks sounds ominous...what do you have up your sleeve sir???

Granted, but it comes in the form of killing off the main character in the first chapter. I wish I could write my chapters faster.

Dustin stole Mike's car. Billy said it was a dumb thing that he did to Mike but a one time thing he's being crucified for...I think he trying to get away from his dad, took Mike's car with permission and was in a wreck. That's why he said he stole it so Mike wouldn't get in trouble for letting an underage person drive his car.

i know he's looking out for me....today is just harder than the other 364.25 days of the year

I can't fault him for what he did. I believe in the right to die. If faced with a terminal illness, we should have the right to choose to end our suffering. His kidneys wouldn't have sustained him much longer. the autopsy showed he was almost in complete renal failure,. He was a walking dead-man regardless,. He chose his way...I just reserve the right to be pissed at him because being pissed hurts less than total love.

On Thursday May 17, 2007, my best friend surprised me. Wait, let me back up a little bit. In February 2005 I met my best friend and the man I am convinced, even to this day, is/was my soulmate, at an NA meeting. We weren’t friends at first. Later, he would confess that I scared him because I was openly gay. He wasn’t homophobic. He just wasn’t out of the closet; even to himself. Once we started hanging out, we became inseparable. We either saw each other or spoke on the phone every single d

Today is the hardest day of the year for me...I only knew him for just over two years....but we were totally there for each other for those two years....I know if he were still alive, we would still be together. Don't know if it would have ever gotten really physical (physically-he was SO NOT my type) but spiritually and emotionally we would not have changed at all...I did always tell him he had noassatall syndrome aka back with a crack

This is a true story. The events described happened to me. Nothing has been changed or altered or embellished.

I love your honesty. lol....Thanks for the side-story. It adds closure in my mind. hehehe

Yup. I always thought he might come back someday. I mean he was the first guy CJ really did anything with right. Since him (CJ) and the guy on base had only gotten undressed.

slap me out of love and call me bitch when you pull my hair...oh wait...ummm never mind

tim- I heard y'all loud and clear but you know my mind over analyzes the fact that I over-analyze everything.. Y'all's message finally penetrated through just before I arrived at my grandparents.. Thanks for being there during my 'crisis '

So, it's been just over a week since my last blog post. Thank y'all for talking me through my over-analytical mind fuck of the possible situation. Thank the gods I didn't have to face the bitch-in-law, since my brother was the only one that came from Austin. She evidently fell off a ladder or some bullshit and hurt her back. Oh and all of the kids were sick with a stomach virus, conveniently. That was probably for the best. The first night we were down there, I had to sleep out in my aunt and uncle's travel trailer, with no power (no ac-only open windows). The second night, I said eff that and rented me a cabin out at the KOA. By the time we got down there on Friday afternoon, my brain had stopped over-analyzing how was supposed to feel. I decided that if I felt something I would just go with it, if I still felt nothing, oh well. It didn't mean I loved my grandfather any less. I just accepted the fact he was gone. Everyone cried around me. I could tell my brother's sobs were....I won't say forced, but something wasn't right. He looked like he was crying. His eyes were scrunched up and his face was red. His breathing was spot on like a crier would be breathing. One thing was missing. The tears. He had no tears. It wasn't that he wiped them away. They weren't there. I don't know why I noticed that, but there it is. What does it mean? Nothing. I'm not accusing of faking his sorrow. I believe he was upset. But I think he knew he was supposed to be upset and filled the role of the mourner. My cousin and I almost got into a fight at the cemetery. Over me joking with my brother. I walked my grandmother to the grave site tent and made sure she was situated in her chair. While I did this, the rest of the family filled the tent. My parents, aunt and uncle, cousins and their wives and kids and step-kids all took a seat. When I went to sit next to my grandmother, the only seat left open, my brother brushed past me and said, "Hey bro, let me sit here." *Backstory* In 1990, my brother had an AVM which is an internal brain injury kinda like an aneurysm, so he has what is known as "left-side neglect". This means he walks with a limp and noticeably has to force his left arm and hand to work "normal". On top of that, a few months ago, an 18-wheeler hit his SmartCar and he now has a herniated disc. *End Backstory* So, I didn't mind letting him sit there. I was a little upset when I looked up and saw that there were no more seats. I said to my brother jokingly (which he took it as such since he smiled and laughed a little so did my mom and dad) "Guess I'll be the only family member standing." My cousin overreacted and stood up. You could hear his annoyance and frustration when he told me to "Just sit here then, Jay." I told him I was only joking and didn't mind standing. My dad even stood up to stand with me. I told my cousin to sit back down with his family, I was fine. But he refused. I let it go and didn't say another word to him. I don't even think I told him bye when my dad and I left. Anyways to make a long story short (TOO LATE!!!!) The tears never came. The sadness never came. Like I said before, i wasn't numb, I was almost apathetic. More along the lines of accepted the reality and didn't force sadness. Today, I feel the exact same. Only now I don't have my mind going 90 to nothing telling me I needed to feel something. On a positive note- I had my mom's Mother's Day Flowers delivery address changed to my grandparents. So on Friday afternoon, FedEx delivered 12 blush pink and 12 darker pink roses to my mom.

OTHER Oi! They have everything ready? OIVAY

CATCH Calling all talented crack hoes. WHORE

He already has his hot guy.....There better not be any other for either of them, or you'll have to deal with this-

Trust me it sucks and you don't realize you're really doing it until you write it down and go back read what you've written. Some circular thinking takes a while to notice the cycle.

The problem is that once you're in a circular line of thought...there's no ending it. One thing causes something that is caused by this that cause the one thing that causes something that is caused by the one thing that causes something ...

Right now Chris is talking in circles....i feel bad for what I did....i deserve this punishment...what I did was wrong...I feel bad for what I did...he needs someone to pull him out of this circular thinking or he'll do it till he goes crazy

Bum was my dad's high school coach his sophomore and junior years

high Talk of the Super Bowl in the last chapter made me want to share this. This is me with Wade Phillips (a high school friend of my dad's). I'm wearing the Bronco's Super Bowl ring. It was taken earlier this month when he did a book signing for Son of Bum that my parents and I went to.