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How should I feel?


JayT

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My grandfather died. I should feel sad right? I feel nothing. I loved my grandfather and I know he loved me, he told all of us every chance he got that he loved us. I don't even feel bad that I'm not really sad. My brain is telling me that this makes me a sick and fucked up person. My mind is also telling me that I know I should feel a certain way. And then it tells me that I should feel ashamed that I'm not sad. Don't get me wrong....I'm not happy. On the other hand, I'm not sad either. I guess I'm apathetic right now. If I admitted that anywhere else, I would fear judgement. Fear isn't the right word. I'm not afraid of being judged; I just don't want to have to deal with it. 

Honesty time: Since I'm posting this here, it's becoming more and more obvious that I someone to call me on my bullshit right now. Am I looking for a fight? Maybe. If someone tried to call me on my bullshit right now, I would get extremely emotional trying to justify the fact that I'm supposedly apathetic right now. The definition of apathetic is: adjective 1. having or showing little or no emotion. Wow how much of an oxymoron could I be. And look what happens when you remove oxy from the word. You have a moron. (kinda like when you remove the "r" from friend you have fiend. That's why I always warn my friends to beware of friends without an "r"). 

Having wrote this, it still doesn't change the fact that right now, at this precise moment, I'm truly feel apathetic. Even though I know I should feel something, and I would feel something if someone tried to challenge my apathetic mood right now, I still feel emotionless. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should fake being sad tomorrow when I get around my family. Everyone else will be sad and upset. If they knew that I was feeling this apathetic, they would question me. I can already hear the conversations: Aren't you upset that Pawpaw is gone? Do you care that he's gone? Do you care about anyone other than yourself? Can't you see how upset your grandmother is? You need to get over yourself and help your Mawmaw. 

Am I over-analyzing this? I honestly don't know. HELP!!!!!!!

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4 minutes ago, DynoReads said:

Every person mourns in their own way, and their own time.

 

However, I think you may be more in shock than apathetic.

I thought about me being in shock at first. I did a quick emotional and psychological inventory on myself and honestly, I'm not in shock. I can sit here and say yes I will miss him. But I think I'm moving away from apathetic towards being okay with it, which will still not be an appropriate response according to some members of my family. I'm dreading seeing my family. I know my family loves me, but it's almost like none of them know how to talk to me. I have always been the black sheep of the family. The odd one out. There are times when they unintentionally make me feel like a pariah. I know that's going to be the case for the next few days. And gods forbid my brother and bitch-in-law (I mean sister-in-law) should show up with their kids. My bitch-in-law won't allow me to be around my nieces and nephew. I have 4 nieces and a nephew. Two of the nieces and the nephew I've never seen. My oldest three nieces I haven't seen in probably three or four years. My brother just goes along with whatever decision his wife makes regarding me. My parents won't stand up to her for me. They say that they won't choose a side. From where I'm standing, they are choosing a side. I have spent the last two Christmas Days alone because my parents will go to Austin to be with them. Granted, this year I did go to my grandparents on Christmas day, but nobody spoke to me unless they had to. I know I was welcomed, but I didn't feel like anyone wanted me to be there. And it wasn't just in my head. Imagine sitting there while every single other person in the room received a gift and they all opened their gifts in front of me. They all knew weeks probably months ahead that I would be there that day while my parents were with my brother and his family. There was nothing for me. Not even a card. Nobody said anything to me. They only told me Merry Christmas if I said it to them first. There were thirteen people there including me. Alright enough of this pity party. Sorry to go on and on like this. 

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19 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

Calm down. You are feeling something.  

 

You don't have to weep or tear out your hair. It's also quite new, recent. Just be quiet and peaceful and listen.

 

When you grandmother cries, comfort her. When people need help, do so. When they say they are sorry, say thank you. Hug people. Be strong for them if you feel peace at your grandfather's passing. As things settle down you may find you cry a bit. But you don't have to force things.

 

There is no wrong way to mourn. We each do it our own way.

I know there is no wrong way to mourn. My family feels differently. I experienced it to some degree in 2009 when my other grandparents died. Because I wasn't acting sad, my mom didn't think i was reacting correctly. 

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Calm down. There is nothing wrong about how you react. Give yourself time and space. Nobody can foresee how anyone will react to a loss like this and nobody should judge. Your emotions only belong to you. If someone is judging you, just try to not let it too deep into yourself. It is probably, because he or she fells to miserable to understand, that you are behaving the way, which is right for you and absolutely OK.

:hug::hug::hug:

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@JayT. Sweetheart don't fear. We all grieve in our own time, and so there is no need for you to justify it to anyone. Personally, I believe in celebration of life ceremonies. I no longer attend funerals, and I don't do graveyards. Does this make me a bad person? I refuse to waste thousands of dollars to be planted, and my family has agreed to honor my wishes. I have already signed forms to have my body donated to the University of Pittsburgh. (I don't think they'll use it for much, probably just cut the sucker up,) LOL When I go into eternal sleep, my family will have a party to celebrate my life, and hopefully move on. 

 

I give my sincerest condolences for your loss. Keep your chin up. :hug:

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It was as natural as we mourn on some loss. When my grand mother died, I was somewhat like this. Not sad. Not happy. Not lost or shocked. Not even numb. It's not means that I don't love her anymore or not gonna miss her. It may be just my way at that time, like some of above said. And it is not abnormal you feel like that. And about families, they have been bound by the society. And their doings will give more accordance to the others rather than ours. And it's not their fault either. So we gotta live with their expectations and all. And it's not like that you don't have to be you. Its all confusing, I know, but we are what we are and that never means we are different. :hug:

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