LillyLee

“Thirteen is a very important age, Ash. You're a teenager now, growing up so fast. And we have something very special to celebrate!” “Really?” “Of course! Come with me!” Gwen took the boy’s hand and led him to the back of the house and up the stairs to the bedrooms. At the end of the hall she stopped and turned back to the boys with a smile. The room in front of them was the same one Ash had stayed in when he first arrived, right across the hall from where he was now sharing with Aidan. Gwen slowly pushed the door open and gestured for Ash to step inside first. The plain old guest room had been transformed. New furniture replaced the ancient set that had once been there; a tall dresser, large computer desk and two big book shelves all made in dark wood. The walls had been painted a sharp teal and thick dark gray curtains hung over the windows. The single bed pushed against one wall had a black and silver comforter. Ash turned to look at Gwen; she was bouncing on the balls of her feet her hands gripped together at her chest. A proud grin stretched her face and her eyes shone with pride. “I don’t...what...what is this?” “It’s your very own room, Ash! We set it up special just for you!” “My room?” “Yes sweetie! You're getting to be such a big boy now; you don’t have to share with Aidan anymore. If you don’t like anything we can change it...” He voice trailed off at the end. Ash felt bad, she obviously could tell he wasn’t as excited as she had been. He forced himself not to look at Aidan for support like he usually did and instead scanned the room. It was rather nice; the colors were ones he probably would have chosen himself. The two large book shelves would make room for all the books he had started collecting with room for more. There was an abundance of shelves, drawers and cubbies; it would make Ash’s need for organization easy to satisfy. It would be nice to actually have room to put his things away. The only thing it was missing was Aidan. Ash took a deep breath. He was growing up; none of the other kids his or Aidan’s age shared a room with their siblings. Let alone a bed like the two young shifters. And Gwen looked so proud of it; he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Maybe Aidan wanted his own space; he was a high school senior now. He’d probably want to bring his friends over and not have the ‘little pup’ bothering them. And it would be difficult to bring girls home if Ash was still sharing his bed. He was getting to be that age, and even though he showered as soon as he came home Ash could sometimes smell it on him. “You don’t like it...” Gwen’s dejected voice reminded Ash she was still waiting for his reaction. “No!” Ash said quickly. “I mean, I’m just a little overwhelmed. I’ve never had my own room before.” He hoped his smile seemed genuine. “Thank you Auntie, really.” “Oh good! It’s going to be great. Aidan honey, help Ash pack up his things and we’ll start moving them over before dinner.” Ash peaked over at Aidan to see his reaction. He was studying the younger shifter with an unreadable expression. His arms were crossed over his chest as he leaned on the door jam. Ash tried to give him an encouraging smile to let him know he was okay with it. If Aidan needed his own space Ash would give it to him. He couldn’t cling to the older boy forever. Aidan took a deep breath as he pushed up, his face still unreadable. “Alright, Little Pup, let’s get you all moved.” Even his voice was guarded. It didn’t take them long to pack up and move Ash’s few things to the room across the hall. Aidan’s room actually looked a little bare without Ash’s things. Aidan felt ice in the pit of his stomach. The older boy pushed passed it; Ash wasn't going to be a pup forever. After they finished moving everything Gwen went to start dinner and Aidan retreated to his own room to give Ash time to organize. And to collect himself. The older boy was starting to feel sick as he lay in his bed. It seemed much too large now; empty and cold. He would just be across the hall; it wasn't like he would be far. And the kid has never had his own room before; this must be a big deal for him. Ash deserved his own room; hell that little pup deserved anything his heart desires. Aidan just had to back off, not be so overprotective. Ash had to hold himself back from chasing after the older boy. He sat on his new bed and looked around the room. He didn't unpack anything or put his clothes away. Ash took a deep breath. It smelled alien, like hard wood and fabric softener. It felt cold and empty, even though it was furnished and designed with love. He could do this; Aidan was right across the hall. He would be just fine. X+X+X+X+X Both boys were quiet during dinner, lost in their own thoughts. Lennox and Gwen tried to fill the silence by chatting excitedly about things they could do and get for Ash’s new room. A computer would be important for school, maybe a little TV. Ash was more interested in music then television so a stereo system would probably get more use. Ash started to feel sick. He hated all the ideas. He hated his new room. He didn’t want a TV or a radio. And he dreaded crawling into that empty bed tonight all alone. “May I be excused?” Ash’s quiet voice broke through the chatter. Even though he whispered his voice demanded attention. “You’ve barely eaten anything.” Gwen pointed out. “I’m not hungry.” Aidan’s hand on his shoulder was warm and it made the younger boy want to curl into the contact. He resisted, holding himself rigid. “Come on, Ashling, you have to eat.” “I’m not hungry.” He snapped back pulling away from the older boy. Everyone froze, eyes drawn to the obviously upset shifter. Ash never pulled away from Aidan, and he never talked back. Gwen and Lennox exchanged a glance; their son staring wide eyed at the younger boy. Surprise, confusion and little bit of pain plainly on his face. “Cashel...?” Gwen started softly. “Can I just go to my room?” Ash cut off. “Please?” “Okay honey, you may go.” Ash quickly pushed away from the table. After dropping his dishes in the sink he rushed up the stairs. He could feel his eyes beginning to water and his throat burn. He rushed to his room and threw himself on the bed. When he took a deep breath and inhaled Aidan’s calming scent he realized this wasn’t his room anymore. In his distress he had retreated to the safety and familiarity of the room that now only belonged to the older boy. Unable to hold back anymore he pulled Aidan’s pillow to his face and cried as he breathed in the familiar scent. Why didn’t Aidan want him there anymore? He cried because he was lonely and scared and he cried because he was ashamed for being so weak. Gwen said he was growing up, but he still felt like a small child. Clinging to his knight in shining armor, his savior and protector. When he was with the older boy he finally felt safe, for the first time in his life he didn’t feel like he had to fight for his right to live. He knew now Lennox and Gwen weren’t going to abandon him or send him away. The pack was accepting him as one of their own. But a part of him was still afraid to be away from his friend; Aidan was hia first home. The first person who ever accepted him. The idea that Aidan was looking for more distance between them made Ash feel the lose of abandonment all over again. He knew deep down this wasn’t the same, not even close, but it scared him nonetheless. X+X+X+X+X Ash didn’t remember falling asleep but he woke up to the feel of fingers running softly through his hair. He instinctively turned into the contact knowing exactly who was petting him. “What are you doing here, Little Pup?” Ash sprang up, leaving Aidan’s hand hovering where the younger boy’s head used to be. He slowly lowered it to his lap. “Oh shit! I’m sorry, Addy, I’ll get out of here.” “Hold on, Ash, what’s wrong? Have you been crying?” “I’m fine.” Aidan reached out and pulled the younger boy against him, “Nonsense, you tell me what’s wrong,little pup of mine.” “I’ll be okay. Promise. I won’t bug you anymore.” “Bug me?” “I know you want your own space, I understand. You’re all grown up now. I won’t bug you I promise. I just... not sure I’m ready. But if you want me out… I’ll deal, I’ll be okay. I’m growing up. I can do this. I can be brave.” “Want you out? Why the hell do you think I would want you out? I don’t want you to go anywhere. Separate rooms is a stupid idea.” “But Auntie said...” “I know what she said... but that doesn’t mean I want you to leave.” “Really?” “Really. You’re my pup; you should always be by my side.” “Then... do I have to move out? Maybe if we both tell them we don’t want to be separated they will let me stay.” Aidan couldn’t stop himself from matching Ash’s infectious, excited grin. “Yea, maybe. Come on let's go try talking to them together.” +x+x+x+x+ “Mum, can we talk to you a minute?” Gwen looked up at her boys. Her son had his arm tight around Ash’s shoulder, holding the younger boy close to his side. He had a serious look on his face; his back rigid and muscles tense. Ash was leaning softly against him, his hand fisted in the hem of the older boy’s shirt and eyes glued to his feet. “Everything alright?” Gwen gestured for the boys to sit down at the table with her. Aidan gently guided Ash into a chair and sat down next to him, pulling his chair close so their arms and legs were pressed together. As usual, Aidan spoke for them both. “Ash really appreciates what you did for him, with the room. It really was a special birthday surprise.” Ash nodded in agreement, but kept his head down. “But…?” Gwen, prompted. “But we talked about it and we don’t want separate rooms. We want to stay together.” Ash shifted closer and seemed to melt into the older boy’s body. He had really started coming out of his shell since he’d been with them. He wasn’t a skittish pup anymore, but he still relied on Ash heavily. Especially during confrontation or discussions with Gwen and Lennox. It was part of the reason Lennox had suggested giving them both some more space. Ash needed to learn to stand on his own two feet or he would forever be relying on Aidan. The boy had latched onto him hard, which was understanding considering Aidan was the one who saved his life. Sat with him and talked him through his first change. When everyone else had written the little guy off for dead Aidan was there to take care of him. It was understandable, but they couldn’t encourage it. Ash had to learn to be strong and independant. He had to learn to stand up for himself or he would be in danger. When he first came to them he cowered every time someone moved too fast or spoke too loud. His nightmares kept everyone in the house awake. He was doing much better but he still needed to learn to stand on his own two feet. Gwen sighed, “You boys are growing up, there’s not a lot of space in Aidan’s room. Ash needs more space for his things. And you, Aidan, are almost an adult; you’re getting too old to be sharing a bed. Your father and I have discussed this. You’re both growing up and it’s time to become a little more independent.” Ash shivered and pulled closer to Aidan, as if he was trying to crawl into his lap. That was actually what Ash didn’t want. Aidan to grow up and leave him behind. His voice was small and muffled when he spoke, “Please, Auntie, I don’t want to be alone at night. I know I’m supposed to grow up. And stop acting like a child. But...it’s just...at night…” His voice trailed off. Too embarrassed to go on. He didn’t want to admit he was scared. Only Aidan knew he still sometimes had nightmares about getting attacked or wandering the woods alone. Aidan wrapped his arms around the smaller boy protectively and laid his cheek against the top of his head. Gwen studied the boys closely. They spent all their time together, touching whenever possible. They had a tight bond and it was only growing. She had a feeling she knew what it meant and had warned Lennox. The Alpha had shrugged it off. “I’ll tell you what. Let me discuss it with Lennox. You boys are growing up and there really isn't enough space in that room for all your stuff. It’s crowded and cluttered and always a mess. It will only get worse as Ash gets older and with him starting high school soon, he needs space to do his school work as well. It really isn’t appropriate for you two to share a bed anymore. Aidan’s almost 18, an adult…” “Mum! It’s not like that…” “BUT… I understand you’re not ready to be alone. And we are pack animals. How about we put some bunk beds in Ash’s room? I think we have a set around here somewhere. That way if you need to be close by at night, you can. But you both get your own space.” Aidan gripped Ash tight for a minute. He knew she was right; he was almost an adult and he really shouldn’t be sharing a bed with a little boy. And their room was rather crowded. Aidan sighed and pulled a little away from Ash to look into his eyes. “What do you think, Ashling?” “I guess that would be okay.” He replied softly, sitting up straighter. +x+x+x+x+ When bedtime came around Aidan and his Father had finished putting together his old bunk beds. He was still a little apprehensive about this sleeping arrangement but appreciated the compromise. This would be just fine. He would be close enough to keep an eye on his little pup and Ash would feel safe knowing Aidan was nearby. Until he was ready to be alone. Above him Ash curled into a ball on his side, the blankets pulled tight around his small body. He couldn’t seem to get warm. He continually took slow deep breaths; holding Aidan’s scent as long as he could. He tried to take solace in the fact that he wasn’t scared; just cold, uncomfortable and a little lonely. He could hear Aidan moving around in the bed below him. The movements reminded him that he was nearby, but his restlessness made the young pup anxious. Aidan punched his pillow and rolled onto his side. His arms felt heavy and his chest held a chill. He rolled onto his back and stared at the bunk above him. His skin felt like it was too tight on his bones and no matter how much he moved he couldn’t get comfortable. Aidan took a deep breath and pulled the scent of his pup deep into his lungs. At least Ash was close by. The smell helped him relax a little. The nearly grown shifter rolled onto his side pulling the pillow close to his chest with his arms wrapped tight around it. It was too soft and smelled too much like laundry detergent. God, how much he missed snuggling up to his little pup. The small warm body pressed against his chest, his dark black hair tickling his nose. Aidan sighed. His parents were right; he was too old to be snuggling up with a child. Even if ‘puppy piles’ were a normal part of pack life. And Ash was growing up too, 13. He would be starting high school soon. Making new friends, maybe a girlfriend or two. God knows he’s attractive enough. And sure, humans found him a little odd, he’s so very wolf, but his honest and loyal nature made him endearing. Aidan felt a growl bubble into his throat. What the hell? Aidan huffed and shook his head hard. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath to take in the other boy’s scent and strained his ears to catch the familiar sounds of his soft breath. Cocking his head to the side he listened closely. Ash was breathing deep but deliberately. He definitely wasn’t asleep. Putting his hands on the bottom of the top bunk, he could feel slight vibrations. His little pup was shivering. This was stupid. Him and Ash were both miserable, they weren’t going to get any sleep like this. It was his job, his purpose, to take care of that boy. And part of that was making sure he got a good night’s sleep. Warm and comfortable. “Screw this. Come on down here, Pup!” “But… Auntie a-and Lennox said…” “I don’t care what they said; you’re my pup, I make the rules and you should be here, with me.” “But...” Aidan took a deep breath, his voice going soft, “Unless you don’t want to? Would you rather stay up there, Little Pup? That’s okay you know, if you want to sleep alone. I won’t be mad, I promise. Is that what you want, Cashel?” “No! It’s cold up here.” Aidan chuckled. “Then come here, wouldn’t want to wake up to an Ash-cicle.” Ash giggled and jumped down from the top bunk, landing softly on his feet like a true shifter. Aidan was equally proud and impressed. Slipping under the covers he pushed himself close to the larger boy tucking his head under his chin and laying his palm on his chest. It was bit of a tight squeeze but soon the boys were comfortably cuddled together. Ash gently draped his leg over Aidan’s and squeezed his foot under him. Aiden pulled him closer. “Better my Ashling?” “Much.” Ash said with a yawn before snuggling in. Aidan smiled, buried his nose in the younger boy’s hair and took a deep breath. Yes, this was the way it was supposed to be. +x+x+x+x+ Gwen pushed the door opened slowly and peeked in, Lennox close on her heels. Aidan lay on his side with his back pressed against the wall. His face buried in Ash’s midnight black hair. The younger boy’s cheek was pressed against his chest, a soft smile on his face. They had their arms wrapped tight around each other and their legs were tangled together. Two heartbeats drumming gently in perfect synchronization. They were both so deeply asleep neither boy stirred as their parents looked down on them. “See, I told you.” “This isn’t right, Gwen.” “Actually, I think it’s exactly right. You’ve been there yourself, Lennox, can’t you recognize it?” Lennox sighed. “Yeah, yeah. There are some in the pack that aren’t going to like this. And they’re both so young, especially Ash.” “Perhaps. And what will you do about that, Alpha?” Lennox stared down at the sleeping boys and took a deep breath. “There are some laws higher than even I. And no one will disrespect my boys.” Gwen smiled at her husband and kissed him gently on the cheek before leaving him standing over the two boys. He followed shortly after, softly closing the door behind him. That evening when the boy’s returned home they found a queen sized bed in each of their rooms.

Found this online, it's a map of cultures that recognize non-binary genders. Gender Map

Ash didn’t like school much. Too many people, too many questions. He never had to go to school before, all the kids in his old pack had been home schooled. But Gwen and Lennox had insisted. They registered him under their name, told the school they were fostering him. At first Ash had resisted, flat out refused, but they thought it would do him good. He would be bored at home all day by himself anyways they had told him; the adults would be working and the rest of the kids were in school themselves. It wasn’t until Aiden stepped in and told the young pup he should go that Ash finally, yet begrudgingly, agreed not to fight about it. Today was Friday; the first week was almost over. Aidan would be picking him up and they were going to go out and do something special. Ash tried not to be excited, but he missed his friend so much. His first week at the McKenna house Aidan was allowed to stay home to help Ash settle in, they hadn’t been apart for more than a few minutes all that week and being separated was proving to be difficult. Even if they did spend every minute together once they got home. Ash fidgeted in his seat and glanced at the clock. It was taking all his willpower not to bounce; he felt himself practically vibrating with excitement. He couldn't sit still and he had long ago given up on paying attention. “You seem happy today.” Ash turned wide eyed to the girl who sat next to him. Her name was Kadey; she had been very nice to him all week. She didn’t tease him for being weird like some of the other kids. And she said it was okay that he didn’t live with his biological family; his new family was special because they choose to love him. He liked her enough, for a human at least. “It’s Friday.” “Yes, Fridays are nice. Do you have something special planned for the weekend?” Ash nodded shyly, he could feel his face burn. Kadey smiled. “Would you like to tell me?” “My Aidan’s coming to get me today.” “Aidan? Is that your foster brother?” Ash nodded. “That’s nice that you can spend some time together. My big brother doesn’t really like to play with me; he says I’m just a silly little girl.” “Aidan always wants to play with me.” “That’s because he chose you.” Kadey stated matter of fact. Ash smiled. He liked the sound of that. Aidan chose him. He couldn’t stop a small smile from forming on his usually emotionless face. +x+x+x+x+ “Are you sure someone’s coming to get you?” His teacher asked for the third time. Ash nodded, a little less sure than he was an hour ago. “Alright, well come sit in the office and wait. I’ll try calling your parents.” Ash followed the teacher into the office and sat down on a hard plastic chair. His chest felt tight. Aidan promised he would be there. That he would come get him after school. Ash rubbed his damp palms on his jeans; it’s only been half an hour, get a grip on yourself, Aidan promised. Ash fidgeted in his seat, he could feel his eyes burn with tears. What if Aidan didn’t show up? What if they changed their minds and they don’t want him anymore? Ash closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath. I’m too old for this. He scolded himself, Calm down and pull yourself together. “Ash!” The dark haired boy’s head snapped up when he heard that voice. “Oh, Little Pup, I’m sorry I’m late.” Ash looked to the floor. “It’s okay,” He mumbled. “No, it’s not. I had to stay after school; I tried to get out of it. I really am sorry” “Okay.” “Ash? Look at me, Pup.” Ash lifted his eyes to meet Aidan’s. “Ah, there’s those big blues. What do you say we go grab some food, huh?” “Excuse me? Who are you?” “Oh hey, thanks for looking after the little man here, but I’m going to take him home now.” “Who are you?” “Oh, I’m Aidan.” “Look, I can’t just let you take him out of here. I don’t know who you are. Please step away from the child.” “Excuse me?” Aidan's voice came out with a slight growl. His hands squeezed into fists at his sides. “Look, son, you need to just back away or I’ll have to call the cops.” “You can’t keep him from me!” “And I can’t just let a minor leave with some strange teenager!” Ash dropped his eyes to the floor again. He could hear the teacher arguing with Aidan, she wasn’t going to let him leave. He felt his eyes burn again; she wanted to take him away from Aidan. He could feel the anger rolling off the older boy, his fists clenched. He wasn’t communicating well; he never did when he was upset. He just kept making demands. Hell, he was pissed. Pissed that someone was trying to keep them apart. “Ash? Are you okay?” Ash looked up to see Kadey taking the seat next to him. Ash nodded. He was scared if he tried to talk she would hear the fear in his voice. He couldn’t let her see that kind of weakness. “Is that you're Aidan?” Ash nodded again. Kadey stood up and walked towards their teacher. “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith?” “Not now, Kadey, go sit with Ash and don’t move.” “It’s just, Ash is really upset.” “I know sweetie…” “He wants to go home with his Aidan.” “What?” “That’s Aidan, he’s Ash’s foster brother.” “What?” “Ash was very excited he would be picking him up today.” Mrs. Smith turned back to the teenager. “Your Ash’s brother?” “Well, not really. But he lives with my family.” “Ash? Sweetie? Is this your brother?” Ash nodded without looking up. “Do you want to go home with him?” Ash nodded again. “Yes, please.” Ash’s voice came out small and broken. He was ashamed to sound so small and weak. Especially in front of Aidan. He glanced over at the older boy worried. But Aidan was just looking at him with a fond smile. “Mr. Aidan?" Kadey spoke up again. "Don’t you have some ID or something? To prove who you are.” “What? Oh, yea.” Aidan pulled out his wallet and handed the teacher his student ID. The teacher pursed her lips at Aidan’s last name, the same one Ash had been registered under. “Why didn’t you just say so to start with? Instead of running in here making demands and threats!” Aidan shrugged. “Alright, Ash, you go along with your brother.” +x+x+x+x+ With Ash’s hand gripped tightly in his own Aidan led the smaller boy across the field towards the nearby mall. Now that he had his pup he was starting to relax. He really started to lose it in there. When the old bat said he couldn’t take Ash with him he sort of lost his mind. He knew he let his anger take control, made things more difficult than they needed to be. But now it was okay, that little human girl was surprisingly helpful. Even if Aidan was a little embarrassed he hadn’t thought of pulling out his ID in the first place. “Alright, Little Pup, what do you want to do first? I could go for some grub, how about burgers and chilli fries? Then maybe we’ll hit up the arcade? Or maybe the batting cages.” Ash stopped suddenly pulling his hand from Aidan’s. “What? Hey, Little Pup, what’s wrong?” Ash’s eyes were glued to the ground. Aidan could smell a faint hint of salt as Ash squeezed his eyes shut, obviously trying to hold back tears. Getting to his knees Aidan tucked his knuckle under the younger boy’s chin, forcing his head up to meet his eyes. “I thought you left me behind.” Ash's voice was small and broken, full of fear and pain. A sharp pain shot Aidan’s heart and he felt his own eyes start to burn. Ash had really thought he was going to leave him. The smaller boy was holding himself taunt, trying to hide how unsteady he was. Knowing he hurt his pup was breaking Aidan’s heart. Even worse was the fact that Ash easily believed Aidan would leave him. His lack of faith was Aidan’s failure. Reaching up he griped the smaller boy’s shoulders, hazel eyes blazing intensely into the blue. “I will NEVER leave you behind Cashel, you’re my pup now. I promise, you and me, till the end. I swear nothing will ever keep me from you. I will always be here for you. Always, no matter what. I’m so sorry I scared you.” Ash blinked hard as the tears began to spill down his little cheeks. He was embarrassed for crying, and ashamed he hadn’t trusted Aidan. And he was so relieved to hear his friend’s promise. Aidan brushed his thumb across the younger boy’s face, wiping the tears away with a small smile. Suddenly Aidan's arms were full and Ash was gripping the back of his shirt tightly. He could feel the younger boy’s body shaking as he sobbed loudly. Aidan felt his own tears running down his face, this poor child had been through so much. Orphaned at a young age. Abandoned by his own pack, left to die alone. The little Ash had told them about his life before gave them the belief he was greatly neglected. Past around from pack member to pack member, made too feel like an unwanted burden. It was no wonder he was so scared Aidan would leave him. Aidan pulled him tight and rubbed his back. “I swear to you. I’ll always be here. Always. You’ll never have to be alone again.” Ash nodded against his shoulder and took a shuddering breath, his sobbing slowing to a stop. Aidan would die before he broke this promise, he would die before he caused this precious boy anymore pain.

Thank You

From the time I was old enough to choose my own clothes I preferred my brothers. Baggy pants and t-shirts, long shorts, hoodies. My interests and hobbies were those that would be considered masculine; sports, action figures, super heroes, camping, hiking. I have a very distinct memory of playing Barbies and putting them in the jeep and pushing it down the stairs. My mother definitely thought it was odd. My preferred friends we're boys and my favorite cousins were boys. I was a tom boy and that was okay. When my friends and I played pretend I was always the boyfriend, bad guy or brother. When I was 11 I cut all my hair off, because honestly it was just a hassle. When I hit puberty, a little earlier then mos girls in my class, I began wearing baggy zip up sweaters to hid my boobs. I didn't understand the other girls fascination with clothes and I had no interest in dresses or trying my moms make up. I was rougher and tougher and more independent then most of my friends/ girls I knew. I hid my body and hated wearing bathing suites. I was from the big city and this was a small town. I had a single mother. I had an older brother who was a bit of a bully. I was from a low income family. There were a million reasons I came up with for why I was so different. And a million reasons why I didn't give a fuck about the bullying. And oh boy, was I bullied. For all those things and more. But I never let them know it bothered me. Then I discovered boys. And that boys liked GIRLS. I let my hair grow long. I learned to use basic make up and let my girl friends dress me up. I shook my butt and tuck out my boobs. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was still a tom boy. I still preferred sports and my closest friends we're still boys. I only dressed up on 'special occasions'. I was my male friend's 'little brother' (true nick-name). There was actually one time when me and one of my guy friends and his gf went on a long bus ride and she got bored and did my make-up. Afterwards she asks him what he thinks and he goes "sometimes i forget you're a girl". True story. When my friends complained about boys I usually understood where the guys were coming from and often thought the girls were being overly critical or holding unreal expectations (they can't read your mind!). I hated talking about my feelings and I found myself seeing thing in a totally different was then my female friends. I was still rougher and tougher and more independent. A little bit more reckless. I slept around (when I was single) and didn't give a crap about being a lady. In fact I was mostly proud that I could be 'one of the guys' and often described as 'not like most girls' . I still got bullied for being that way. My Mom and my Grandmother and the women in my family told me I would be so much prettier/ popular/ successful if I just 'put on a little bit of makeup', if I just wore more feminine clothes. All the adults in my life warned me 'boys might not like my tattoos' . And even though I was in great shape (from being so active), with a 'nice rack' and a tight butt. Even though I had beautiful hair and a sweet smile and wide color-changing eyes. Even though boys and girls alike told me I was pretty/ attractive. Even though I never hurt for dates. I still had body image issues. I still preferred to cover up and I still felt something was 'wrong' with my body. I still looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Even though I fit into society's outline of how a young girl should look to be considered pretty, I was not happy or confident. I never understood why. I was lucky my insecurities about my body were off set by my pride in my brain and my emotional strength. Things could have gotten real bad otherwise. I never felt the need to starve or harm myself. I was able to accept that even though I didn't like myself physically I liked who I was on the inside. I was lucky I believed that was more important. I am 27. I am a wife and a mother of a 5 year old boy (who is more feminine then I am). I still hate my body and get along better with men. I understand how my husband thinks (most of the time, hes a little immature). My hair is super short, I prefer baggy shirts and jeans, sports bras and long shorts. I read stories/books about gay men because I relate to them more then ones about women. Sometimes I have fun doing myself up all pretty like, hair and make-up and tight jeans. I have a slight obsession with boots and shoes. I enjoy painting my nails and everything purple. I enjoy rom-coms when the mood hits me. Alecia Moore (Pink) is one of my idols, I enjoy bubble gum pop, boy bands and yes, even Taylor swift and Alanis Moresette (okay maybe Selena Gomez has a couple really catchy songs too). And I have learned I am not alone. I am not abstract. I am not strange or weird or off. There are others like me. And now I understand WHY. There has begun a huge movement regarding gender identity and gender expression. I have learned so much about this 'thing' that I never before knew existed, a way of being I always thought was me being weird. I learned that your sex is your genitals and your gender is how you feel. I learned that sometimes your sex and your gender don't line up. I learned that there are SCIENTIFIC FACTS that support this. I identify as non-binary. Some days I'm a girl but most days I'm a boy. I AM A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE, just like everyone else. Expressing MY OWN IDENTITY is not a call for attention (the purple/blue/red/pink depending on the day hair maybe is though). Being thankful THERE IS A NAME FOR IT and that I'M NOT ALONE is not making things up. Asking you to respect WHO I AM is not attacking you, your family, your religion, your morals or your way of life. Wanting to tell other people and share what I have learned so NO ONE ELSE EVER FEELS WRONG AGAIN is not rubbing your face in it. Finally being able to not only ADMIT MY BODY IS WRONG but also UNDERSTAND WHY, is not jumping on the band-wagon or participating in a fad (I have always felt this way!) AND I AM NOT HURTING ANYONE

I recently started, slowly, 'coming out' as gender fluid. Some of my close friends and husband, some random people at work and acquaintances i felt would be accepting/ understanding.\ Started updating my wardrobe and finding ways to battle the dysphoria when I'm in a situation I'm unable/uncomfortable presenting honestly on "boy days" (such as at work or situations where I have to be "kiddo's Mom". Today was a "boy day". Hubby, kiddo and I went shopping. I had on a great neutral outfit and was feeling awesome. And handsome Got some great neutral and "boy day" clothes. Had dinner and scowled when the waitress very obviously put the candies down in front of me and the bill in front of him . And chuckled when the hubby passed it right over (because I always pay) . Then, walking home a pick-up truck full of teenage boys drove by and yelled out the window at us. I'm not 100% sure what they yelled, they were driving pretty fast. But I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "F*ck*ng Fairies" or "F*ck*ng F*gg*ts" . And the inner conflict began..... Part of my was all "who gives a sh*t what they think! F*ck 'em" Part of me was all "what kind of low lives think it's okay to yell things like that out the window at people? For christ sake give it up!" Part of me wished I had moved quick enough to flash my (usually very obvious) t*ts their way to teach them about judging someone based on appearance. But another part of me was just a little excited that walking down the street with my hubby and son a group of strangers was so convinced I was a guy they felt confident to assume we were a homosexual couple. Those guys are till ass holes though.

Matthew stripped his clothes off and threw them on the bathroom floor. He mentally added a hamper to the list in his head of things he would need. His muscles ached in a way they hadn’t in years and he could smell his own sweat. He started to wish he had broken down and hired the moving company after all. He paused in his plans as the sound of water running in the apartment next door. Oh great, these walls are paper thin, I’m going to be hearing everything. I hope my neighbors aren’t having

Oh for sure I'll fix that! Thanks for taking the time to review

Jack woke up to the smell of pasta sauce and the sounds dishes and soft voices. Jack rubbed the sleep from his eyes and rolled out of bed. He pulled on some track pants and slipped silently out the door. Nora was definitely talking to someone, a man. But Jack didn't’ know any men. Unless… “Maybe I should go, I don’t want him to feel ambushed the moment he gets home.” “Nonsense! You have to stay for dinner.” Oh God. It was him! Jack could only see his back from where he stoo

thanks so much!

For the first time in his life Matthew actually felt depressed when the time came he needed to shower. The water never felt quite warm enough, the spray never quite enough to relax. The sound of water hitting the tile made the silence from next door deafening. A hard time. He couldn’t help but worry about his singing partner, his shower buddy. He had wanted to ask for more information but didn’t want to seem rude. He had brought over food twice in the week, when he heard Nora moving about. She w

Thanks so much for taking the time to review!

The conversation between Matthew and Nora was the whole idea behind this story actually! Although when I came to it had a hard time getting it down lol. I'm glad your enjoying it, we'll hear more about Jack soon!

Thanks so much @BlindAmbition ! I'm glad your enjoying it and thanks for taking the time to review

I'm so glad you guys are enjoying it! Thanks for the reviews

Matthew thought The Beatles would be a good place to start. Hey Jude was popular enough his buddy should recognize it. It was somber enough not to be annoying to someone feeling down but the cheer up theme was still there. So when he got home and heard what was now the usual depressing playlist Matthew cranked his own stereo so it would be heard over the music from next door. It was only a little ways into the song when his neighbor turned off his own music, as if listening to the song Matthew w

The change was wasn’t gradual. It seemed almost overnight Matthew’s shower buddy changed his tune, so to speak. Matthew first noticed it one afternoon when his neighbor had his stereo in the living room cranked. His voice was just loud enough to hear, enthusiastic but almost broken. Seems his little buddy was having a bad day. He sounded pretty hopeless as he sang along to Nothing to Lose by Billy Talent. Matthew stood nearly frozen in place with a frown on his face. Sure it was a catchy song,

All this drama all this hate, The lies, Back stabbing, double crossing, heat breaking, double taking, Never know, never think, Worried, scared, lost, alone, Tears, cry, laughter dies, Never true, never knew, who to trust, who to love, who to leave, what to feel, what is Real, Everyone is all the same, Lying, crying, stealing, feeling, all alone, on the phone, talking about another one, Just to turn, and to cry, Never escape, never get away, oh please take me away, Rage, anger, burning, like a fire, Everything disappears, Lost, alone, so alone, We’ll be here, oh yeah sure, that is what I said to her, Right back, to the start, loving you, with all my heart, Back stabbing, double crossing, heat breaking, double taking, Oh no, not again, all over, Never over, never true, never knew, who to trust, who to love, who to leave, what to feel, what is real, Sorry, no I’m not, no your not, or you are, and I am, but we’ll do, it all again, Wind blows, every one knows, no one speaks the truth, Imagination, only friend, relationships, on the mend, Round and round, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone, Gone, Gone, Far away, I wish I knew, what to say, Make it right, don’t want to fight, Oh but here we go again, Back stabbing, double crossing, heat breaking, double taking, Never over, never true, never knew, who to trust, who to love, who to leave, what to feel, what is real, What is worse, speaking truth, behind their back, telling lies, to their face, Superman, take me away, save us all, from our selves, lock us up, on top a shelf, and throw away the key, This isn’t me, but it is, and its you, and its her too, Back stabbing, double crossing, heat breaking, double taking, Oh no, Here we go, Again…..

My bodies crashed But my mind won't rest. Thoughts keep running through my mind Like a record broken in time. My bodies crashed But my mind won't rest. Movement doesn't come easy now I feel myself sliding to the ground. My bodies crashed But my mind won't rest. Finally giving in to my screaming limbs Time to admit the party's over. My bodies crashed But my mind won't rest. I play the night over in my head Shhh! Quiet now it's time for bed. My bodies crashed But my mind won't rest.

I'm not afraid of tears I'm not afraid of pain I'm not afraid of broken hearts I'm not afraid of rain. As long as I love you Know that it's true I'm not afraid of anything Because I know I'll always have you I'll have you to hold me And to kiss me goodnight I'll have you to wipe my eyes And for me you would fight Friendship like ours is forever And everyone knows Nothing can come between us Our love can only grow So don't hold it back Don't ever let me go I love you in every way And I want you to know I'm not afraid of tears I'm not afraid of pain I'm not afraid of broken hearts I'm not afraid of rain. As long as I love you Know that it's true I'm not afraid of anything Because I know I'll always have you

While I agree the pictures of high school are unrealistic, i did experience cliques in my school. The stoners, the jocks, the nerds, the goths , there was some overlap but mostly the lines were drawn in the sand. And people very much cared how we dressed, fashion was a big deal. Brand name v.s not . Style vs style...eg skater v.s thug... so that part could be a locational culture thing?

Im somewhere in the middle. When I'm in the mood a shory sappy HEA is a nice little treat. But I also very much enjoy a STORY with drawn out plot and STUFF happening with a nice romance on the side. Also, smut. I do enjoy the smut. I agree with Page; if it's nothing but tragady it makes me depressed. Lol. I read to escape real life, I want my happy ending damn it. LOL Definatly anything with warewolves, I'm obsessed lol. ABO fics usually annoy me, but I've read a couple that worked when I wanted something short and sweet even if it's super far-fetched. I absolutly hate stories that read like a f/m but the author just changed the 'she' to a 'he'. Or fanfics where they completly change a character (who is badass in canon) into a sissy, weak, winy, b1tch because "obviously they have to be if they are gay".

You can feel the beat in your vain Blocks your mind to all the pain. Just let go And move. For those few hours, we are all the same, Equal within this game. Taking a break from this we call life, Forgetting a minute about all the strife. Free to be ourselves. I can feel the beat, Growing now. You jump up and I jump down. The beat the vibe the energy, I can feel it surrounding me. Let it lift you up Spin you around, Stomp your feet on the ground. It shakes with the beat Go on, stomp your feet, A hug a kiss and friendly wave The hermit emerges from his cave. Everyone can feel it now Work your magic DJ, take a bow. The beat slows down, We say goodnight, Off to fight another fight. At the end of every week We'll come together And awaken the night With the beat the vibe and the energy That which drives you and me.

Thanks for all you thoughts peeps! I try not to overthink things so much! Puppilull "Classic Male" I really like that!

aww thanks! This is one of my favs