Much less preferable then last week. It started out more or less the same. Monday brings work, then the phone call came. The phone call its self wasn't all that surprising. I have an aunt who has been... existing in Oregon. Living in the trailer park with her husband, and her daughter (who is about a month younger then I) and her 4 (?) kids. Anyhow she has been calling lately, mending bridges she burned a number of years ago with a bad real estate agreement.

My mom has been sending clothes, and christmas gifts up via some curier service or another. Anyhow, this Aunt called Monday morning. "It's January again," she said in resignation. The paramedics had just left. Her husband had passed sometime in the night. Massive coronary inclusion they said. Dead before he hit the ground.

I'm confused about it though. I feel no remorse for the man. I feel bad that my aunt is in the situation, but not overly so because she should have walked away from him a long time ago. I wonder, if this basic lack of sympathy makes me some sort of monster?

I'd like to think not. He was the monster, with wandering hands for his step children. I don't understand why my aunt ever got back with him. when he was out of the picture serving his court mandated "time away" she had a clean house, her kids listened. As soon as he came back into the picture it was udder chaos. All he did was sit in front of the tv and drink pepsi. Well aside from messing with the kids.

I guess I'll never understand, and I'll never take pause in his exit from this world.

My sister asked if he ever tried anything with me, if that was the reason I am the way "I am". No I never spent enough time at that house to be indoctrinated into such... things. I guess I am lucky in that regard, but now I wonder how many will think he did and because he did that is the reason I am the way "I am".

I don't know if he was sorry for what he did. What i do know is that sorry doesn't always fix things. Sorry doesnt instantly rebuild trust where it was wasted, or give birth to it, where it never existed before. Point is I guess, even if he did regret. Regret is not enough, it's a step in the right direction even if you had made one step forward and two steps back in the past.