Danners

Sometimes it’s what doesn’t happen that means the most. Subtext has me in a headlock. Plus, some of the strongest relationships develop naturally as friendships deepen. But even if theirs is simply friendship, it’s wonderful to see them bonding. They were both abandoned and alone, and now they’re not.

Oh! And don’t think we didn’t notice Aubrey’s self-centered concern over the Foundation launch and his career. The exclusion of a friendship or relationship with Andrew never came up, but like the saying goes — denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Kudos for how you wrote between the lines! With Andrew’s immediate concern over their friendship and not their partnership, I think we’re witnessing a shift in the quarterback’s nature. A welcome one at that.

When they were folding laundry and Andrew botched his answer to Aubrey’s question, all that played through my mind was: Then, when he showed up at Aubrey’s hotel room and delivered the correct response and that kiss, well . . . I take back what I said about you being mean, Moz — for now. I have to agree that the leak might be Joel’s man. He’s certainly in the position for it, and a motive isn’t hard to come up with. The problem is we don’t know enough about the people in Andrew’s camp to reliably make a list, let alone cross names off of it. (Now to review the previous chapters . . .) Leave it to Kat to try to smooth things over between Tom and Aubrey so she doesn’t ruin a good thing — her affair, that is. A conniving, passive-aggressive person like Kat gets too much thrill out of going behind your back while playing the dutiful friend. A normal relationship with Tom wouldn’t interest her in the least. (And Tom liked having an ace up his sleeve. That it was played before he got the chance to use it to put Aubrey in his place must’ve stung. Good.) Now, let’s allow Prince to retire to the royal kennel so Andrew and Aubrey can . . . talk. Yeah, that’s it. Talk.

“I only want to play with you and you only. I told you, didn’t I?” Ugh, the mixed feelings one simple statement can give! On one hand, single-minded Jett had to mean it as a declaration of his feelings for April. On the other hand, playing isn’t serious. Then again, chucking the Theo pillow and saying he doesn’t matter mean a hell of a lot from and for someone like Jett, who says exactly what he means and does as he says. Is it weird that I’m more worried about April hurting Jett at this point? He left a scar once already, and if he doesn’t come clean before they fall deeper in love, he’s liable to tear Jett’s heart out completely. The sex was hot though! It meant something too. Just . . . it could mean so much more.

Yay! Finally some Simon and Jeff time! Someone alert the captain ‘cause that ship is sailing.

Maybe if Troy felt he was earning his way. Mr. Burgess made the mistake of trying to give him a handout, which he took as charity — and he’s no one’s charity case, as he said. A handyman job where a room or an apartment is part of the terms would be right up his alley, so he doesn’t feel like he’s being pitied. I hear someone with a driveway is in the market for a furnace and a completed central air system. Hmm. (Hint hint, damn it. Hehe.)

You made perfect sense. With depression there’s a give and take to keep in mind, making the small victories especially important. The trick is to remember that you may backslide but you will move forward. How’s the shoulder holding up?

What Parker said! The more we learn about these two guys, the more I want to know and the less I want to wait between chapters. As diametrically opposed as they are, they’re more alike then either realizes. Hope their meeting is a revelation. Ignoring anything sexual, since Grant is heretofore a straight guy, they both need a friend. I see a fence repair contract in Troy’s future. Maybe Grant will take a page from Mr. Burgess’s book and give Troy a tip. I’m sure he’d appreciate the tip — just the tip. (*cough*) With everything he’s going through right now and all the stress, having to swallow his pride (the bitterest of pills), he definitely could use a break. Odds and ends: If they’re using Epic, Grant definitely needs the training. It’s a step up from older medical systems though! Blackberry and lime — what a marvelous combo. The bittersweet lime brings out the tart sweetness of the berries. Mint is great too. Blackberry liquor, club soda, and a twist of lime is a great drink to sip on over the summer.

Hope is a wonderful antithesis to depression, which itself breeds hopelessness. I, for one, hope Chase’s is encouraged by Dr. Chorney, who can help him differentiate between and define what that means. Getting a handle on his depression; coming to terms with his mom’s death; fixing things with Hank. These are all great things to hope for, and Dr. Chorney can help Chase understand they aren’t mutually exclusive. Hope is wonderful to have — there’s always, always room for hope — but alone it isn’t enough because, like you said, it can be trampled on. Chase needs goals to strive for and coping strategies, and it sounds like he’s already in possession of some good ones courtesy of the good doctor. I’m glad Dr. Chorney asked Chase if he thought he needed to be medicated again. It spoke of the man’s willingness to listen and offer options instead of the judgement Chase was receiving from everyone else in his life. (Not even touching the medication debate but, as someone for whom it’s necessary, I understand why it was more of a hinderance for Chase.) We all DO need a Dr. Chorney, whether board certified or across the kitchen counter. Congratulations on another amazing character, Gary. Sorry it took so long to mention it!

Four: Kat is a careless pussy. Or has one?

D’oh! The part of me that knows how little self-control Andrew has hoped he was at least conscious enough of Aubrey’s delicate state that he wouldn’t sleep with his friend. I’m disappointed in him but not surprised. You can’t give a kid keys to the candy store and not expect him to gorge himself. If Andrew has any good sense, he’ll apologize to Aubrey. Aubrey should also apologize to Andrew for using him. A drunken rebound is still a rebound. He can’t blame Andrew for this when he was complicit in it, just like he can’t use this mistake as an excuse to pacify his genuine feelings for the guy. But something tells me he’ll go radio silent or leave the country. Then the second smear article will come out and he won’t even know about it, but it’ll still break Andrew’s heart. You’re a mean man, Moz. I’ll just be over here looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, wringing my hands like someone’s grandmother.

We don’t know for sure but we can presume — and that’s half the fun! Hank’s behavior in the previous two chapters suggests he tries to detach, to rationalize, and to present a strong front upon which Chase can lean. He’s also shown it is indeed a front: he feels and cares deeply, and he’s deeply wounded. Even the good doctor observed something along these lines. Of course all of this comes with Chase being present and/or in need. On his own, he may struggle to process. When a guy spends so much time and energy being strong (for a loved one, say), he begins to draw his own strength from that position. He finds comfort in comforting. Coping on his own, dealing with feelings only for his own benefit, can seem dreadfully unfamiliar, y’know? So, whereas Chase is focusing on “them” first and himself second for once, Hank finds himself in the position of needing to put himself first and “them” last. It’s an unnerving juxtaposition from what we’ve seen so far, and maybe that’s why he felt it necessary to end things flat out. And why he’s having trouble, even subconsciously, accepting that he’s . . . alone. (Stick that in your comment box! Hehe.)

Honestly? I envision Hank waking up curled around the pillow and finding himself both disgusted and relieved that Chase leant him a somnolent reprieve. Why? Because the message he seemed to want to send was “you have no place in our bed,” but that in itself still implies “our” bed. A clearer message would’ve been to strip the bed bare or throw the pillow away. So, I think he was fishing for a reply as much as sending a message. Only you know for sure, and you ain’t telling.

Hank will want to, I think, but he seems to be punishing himself as much as he is Chase. The unfinished packing of Chase’s clothes speaks to that: he wants to sever ties but can’t bring himself to do so completely. I see him trying to box up his feelings only to realize how irrational he’s been and fearing what that means (because subtext and I can’t stop flirting). Tangentially related, I really don’t like Chase questioning the basis of their relationship. I’ll chalk it up to the worst case scenario we often imagine to prepare ourselves for undelivered disappointment. But he better bring it up to the good doctor before those feelings of inadequacy send him tumbling down a very slippery slope.

That broke my heart a little bit. Coming to terms with the damage you’ve caused is never easy, accepting the resulting loss even worse. It’s a step in the right direction for Chase at least. What stitched up my poor little heart was Chase leaving his pillow behind to show that he wasn’t letting that door completely close. A gentle reminder of Chase’s continued devotion and presence despite what happened between them. Hank boxing it up doesn’t surprise me; it smells like Chase, after all. Maybe it will provide some small comfort to him. Chase having a sounding board in Dr. Chorney did and will continue to do wonders for his recovery. Sometimes it’s easier to spill your guts to an impartial third party. You know there’ll be more of my babbling later. For now, I can’t wait until next week. Damnit, Gary.

Wow, consider me immediately drawn in! We have two very different but not dissimilar characters. Grant, starting out alone for what seems like the first time in his life and very much looking forward to the future. Troy, basically subsisting with no future prospects beyond tomorrow and unable to overcome the circumstances that put him in his spot. The contrast is intriguing. Even John’s voice is heard, albeit passively. We know he is patient and understanding but estranged from his family. I’m going out on a limb by assuming John’s family, in addition to being African-American, are also Southern Baptist — their view of Troy being what it was. I’m looking forward to watching Grant and Troy’s independent lives intersect, both through the journal entries and in real life. I already have theories about what happened between John and Troy, some of which extend from theories surrounding John’s past in Georgia. (Like him being older and previously married.) Keep ‘em coming! It’s quite literally a page turner.

April better get better prescription lenses ‘cause he’s blind not to see the growing pile of evidence that Jett is so angry with Theo because he meant something to him. Now that the down feather bomb has been dropped, maybe he’ll finally get it. That is, unless Jett conveniently blames the pillow on Zane. (I see how you are, Laura! 😜) But that begs the question: if all it was was a gag gift from Zane, why keep it at all? Explain that one, Jett!

Chase watched his mother deteriorate, recover, degenerate, and then die, and was then abandoned by his grieving father; same with Cindy. Unlike his sister, he didn’t get to the root of his behavior until his guilt and depression conspired to destroy what little happiness he thought he had. (I said it once and I’ll say it again: depression is an insidious monster.) Hank was a plus one — meaning one step removed as the boyfriend — but may actually have been affected more because of this. In addition to and perhaps despite his own feelings of loss, he had to watch his boyfriend’s family disintegrate. He was the strong one, either by nature, choice or necessity. He paved the way forward. It wouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination to say they both suffer from survivor’s guilt and they both sabotaged their relationship without realizing it. Hank provided the fuse in the form of the proposal while Chase’s reaction was the match. Even if they, as Hank masochistically suggested, try to stay friends, they need therapy, both individually and as a pair. Cindy’s got a good head on her shoulders — maybe she’ll suggest it down the road. My dad had a quadruple bypass when I was six and a double bypass my freshman year of high school. He had a heart attack where we both worked in my early twenties and clinically died twice before being revived. That lead to another bypass, after which he made a full and healthy recovery. Four years later my mom found him dad when she came home from work. I started out on Chase’s side and vilified Hank because my initial reaction has always to defend the person in the weaker position. The more comments folks leave, the more I realize that was wrong because I’ve been in both positions. On my own I was Chase — happily and recklessly distracted. For my mom, who suffered from survivor’s guilt and depression, I was Hank — compartmentalized, strong, and available. (For ColumbusGuy’s arachnid point of view: My aunt and I were Cindy for each other if gallows humor was Cindy’s defense mechanism. 😉) Maybe you’d consider posting twice weekly to help us all figure this out, Gary? Pretty please? 🙏

Oh, Hank is definitely angry; he has every right to be. It’s the bitter, cold anger that burns like frostbite and, in some ways, it’s worse than simmering rage because of how long-lasting it is. Despite this, he still loves Chase. You can tell that by how quick he was to comfort him and by shedding his own tears. I think he’s also, on a subconscious level, well aware of how best to punish Chase and that’s through guilt and loss. Once again he’s facing Chase with the loss of a loved one and once again Chase has no say in the matter. Or maybe I’m giving Hank’s subconscious mind too much credit. He needs Chase to need him, and so letting him go is the most noble sacrifice he can make or so he’s convinced himself. That’s mainly why I say he has a martyr complex. Like you said before, he’s being reactionary. It’s only been a few days. Given some alone time he desperately needs, something tells me he’ll figure some of this out. If he can get over himself. Maybe they should both go to therapy — you know, as a couple. Aaaaaaand finally, a little voice in the back of my mind is goading Chase to tell Hank to politely fuck off. Call his bluff. Sometimes you have to gently remind a guy to be careful what he asks for; he just might get it.

Wow, Cindy shocked me. Guess we saw her through her little brother’s eyes last chapter, but got to see the real deal this time. Looks like Chase did too after his late-night epiphany. I’m glad they’re going to be able to share the guilt of outliving their mom, but more importantly I’m glad they’re able to reconnect in a meaningful way. Hank, on the other hand, continues to disappoint. Hurt or not, he’s far too eager to burn a bridge that didn’t need burning. “Get out but let’s stay friends” is a cruel thing to offer a man in Chase’s position and state of mind. I liken it to willingly torturing him with what Hank says he can never have, and that pisses me off more than anything else he said. I think Hank has a bit of a martyr complex, especially now that he gets to play the victim. It’s twisted. Again, I get that he’s hurt and he feels betrayed. I understand that he still loves Chase and maybe he does believe that pushing him to be “free” is for the best, but he’d have to be blind not to see how much damage his mixed messages are doing. At least Chase found the time to introspect and discover the (main) root of his issues with happiness in general and the proposal specifically. As someone who suffered from depression as a youngster and who deals with crushing anxiety, it makes me proud that Chase decided to focus on a positive goal. Not only that, but he started forming a plan of action to achieve said goal. (Even if he shouldn’t need to prove he isn’t damaged in Hank’s eyes or that he’s “stable” enough to rekindle a relationship with.) Anywho, another chapter that kept me riveted from start to finish. Consider my pearls clutched end my knuckle bitten. . . . fuckin’ Hank. Ugh.

Now that is the way to ring in a new year! What a delight.

Here, here! The article opened Andrew’s eyes to some of his faults but definitely didn’t cover more personal consequences. I’m glad Joel got to clear the air. Hopefully, now that he’s aware, Andrew can try to change how he treats those closest to him. Is it wrong to imagine Prince leaving a royal . . . er, deposit in Tom’s favorite shoe? And then chase Kat up a tree?

Pfffft. I’m Team Chase all the way, but I stand firm in the belief he and Hank both have a hand in what happened. As a guy who’s been in an eerily similar (but not nearly as severe) situation, I’m far more understanding of the damaged youth than I am of the dutiful ex-boyfriend. Happy New Year, y’all. Hopefully 2020 treats these kids kindly.

Well, love is blind, after all. Makes it so much easier to tumble down a flight of stairs. Something tells me the proposal fiasco was the culmination of many issues between the two. Hank seemed kind of controlling to me too. Maybe controlling is the wrong word. I can see someone in Hank’s position — you know, being the strong one, the “rock” — becoming blind to the reasons why he’s needed like that. Maybe he put too much faith in his love being enough support for Chase, or he assumed everything was kosher, thus ignoring the signs that Chase would freak out. Really, I think he was just in love and didn’t see it coming. Chase, I bet, has abandonment issues on top of depression. Watching someone come back from the brink of death and then die suddenly, that’s absolutely devastating both initially and long term. The worst part of that sort of combination is feeling just fine, acting “normal,” while your spring coils tighter and tighter — until a trigger comes along and you’re sprung. You don’t even know you’re doing it, and the signs are often so well hidden, ain’t no one prepared for it and everyone gets nailed. (Personal experience here.) We don’t know all that went down but I get the impression most of it boils down to the aftermath of Chase’s mom dying and Hank being so amazingly supportive that a) Hank shot himself in the foot and b) Chase never learned to cope. EDIT: And c) the meddling sister bulldozing over any perceived inadequacy. From the brush with her personality, it’s her way — period. And since everyone reacts differently, you can bet she did some damage too.

Depression is so insidious, leading you to self-destruct in ways you aren’t aware of and sabotage relationships without knowing. Feeling good, feeling safe, becomes a distraction instead of the norm, and you’re always waiting for — and unconsciously leaning toward — everything falling apart. You did an amazing (and ironically, depressing) job of portraying someone hovering near rock bottom. It’s a little callous of Hank to say that Chase should be over his Mom’s death after two years. She had cancer at least once before the terminal diagnosis and death, and that in and of itself brings stages of grief, not to mention depression. I understand Hank is hurt and maybe wouldn’t say such things under normal circumstances but it still irks me. Man, I hope Chase finds the support he’ll need to work through this newest ending. Judging from his inability to look after himself right now and the absence of a comforting presence, he needs someone. Hank has his own wounds to lick. Chase’s dad has taken avoidance to a whole ‘nother level. Cindy, for all her good intentions, seems like the “tough love/ in your face” type, and that will only push Chase in the wrong direction. This is gonna be a rough one. Can’t wait to read all about it!