GREEN

Green is out with Julio right now and I'm freaking. Julio said he had some surprise for Green. I mean for some reason Julio makes me nervous. I know Green would never leave me and that is some comfort but Julio is his ex and he knows him in the same way that I do. The problem is in the fact that I know what I have with him. How can I not be cautious with our relationship when were just trying to just get used to each other. I dont know maybe I am being too honest here. What do you guys think? Ami Worrying too much? Oh by the way Im writing under Green's name because it wont let me post new entry's under mine. Chaz

I wouldn't tell anyone about this. We all know how MR. Cruise can get when faced with homosexuality. LOL. GREEN

I dont know about being the best, but thanks nontheless. Oh and no I'm not Emo. GREEN

Diddo but chapter 2 of WT and that last chapter of DD had brutal cliffhangers. I might have to go to GA rehab for a week because your stories are getting to me again. GREEN

HAHAHAHA.....meanie I am not, I had to take it away. He kept hitting me in the head with it. God that could get annoying LOL. GREEN

No he's not lying, but that was only because I was inspired. I've been known to write three chapters in one sit down but again those times are rare because I have a very short attention span. GREEN :wacko:

Dont worry I took the Bouncy ball away from him. Now he's pouting because I wont fix his puter. GREEN

The lights went up again. Both Plato and Homer were back on the stage. This time Plato had on white wings and one of those fake halo things. Homer had the same thing on in black without a halo. My boyfriend Chaz finally joins me. He sits next to me and leans his head on my shoulders.

No wedding just yet or for the next few years. LOL Were too young LOL. Damn now he wants a ring. GREEN

Thanks guys we decided to try a couples blog for a while. Um Slene having a blog is a bad idea. As for David he's not really into webstuff. So I dont know. GREEN

So Chaz wants me and him to share this blog. I said I'd put it to a vote. Let me know how many of you want us to share it, and how many of you want him to get his own. GREEN

Because I like the Capitals. LOL dont listen to CHAZ. He has OCD. You should see him with salt and pepper shakers. The pepper has to be on the left and the salt on the right or he freaks. LOL GREEN

Shh I'm back Green stepped out with Selene for a moment. I have some time to talk to you guys. We do have access to his blog he was just kidding. My mother reads it all of the time LOL. I am going to get my own account here as soon as I can get my desktop set up. What I want to know is who is this Dom Luka that has my boyfriend thinking he should go to rehab? I need to know, because other wise Green is straight edge when it comes to addictive substances. Yeah I'm jealous. LOL. Does anybody know why Green writes his name in capitals? It kind of bothers me. Hmm. Chaz!

I cant believe he had the nerve to post in my blog. LOL Chaz cant have my blog. I am going to have to lock my laptop to make sure he doesnt use it. I'm not strange just maladjusted and really happy right now. GREEN

Hi guys Green is sleeping right now. I just want to let you guys know that I read all of your posts also. Green worries alot about senseless stuff. That is what worries me. I keep trying to get him to stop and just watch things unfold. We're in a relationship and just as he would drop anything to help me he needs to let me do the same. Yes like you guys said we had to take a risky step but one he's not bound to forget. We have to get extreme to get to him. He's a strange one Mr. Green. I love Green. I think, I knew that the first time he and I met. I had to be with him, knowing this led me to come out to my parents. I became frineds with him in hopes of moving this further. I took him to meet with my family. My parents approved, how could they not he had saved my brother. The problem is that all of this time he was with Julio. I tried not to get in the way of their relationship but when I heard they had broken up I saw this as my chance to move in. Needless to say this was before I found out that Green is a very strange individual. Kidding, no I found that I wanted more from him and I love his friends which in turm have become mine. Ooh I have to go he's waking up. I like this thing you guys have here. Thanks for welcoming me. Chaz!

I fell asleep after the most boring night in my life. I woke this morning after a long night of tossing and turning. The first thing I do is put my arm on what used to be Chaz's side of the bed. Fully expecting him not to be there but I felt something there. A body and it was breathing lightly on the back of my head. I turned to see who it was. "Hello," he said. I was shocked. First I didn

ARGH Green! You don't need to make a catalog compulsively laying out your mistakes. Insight is not the problem here; you already know what's wrong. That's why it's so boring. What you need to do is start working on fixing it. In the other post, I tried to show you the pit you were digging for yourself not so that you could wallow in it, but so that you would be motivated to start climbing out. Obsessing negatively on how you've alienated one boyfriend after another is not going to help you. Really, that's just another form of running away from what you really need to do, which is to figure out positively how you're going to start opening up. If you're honest and really start working on this, it will be a real challenge and anything but boring. You'll probably hate it. Fortunately, you're not starting completely from scratch. You already have some tools--as Rocket pointed out, you express yourself well in writing, if not in person; and you're creative and imaginative. Put these things to work. Think of ways to overcome your fear of letting anyone closer than arm's length...and then bite the bullet and put them into action. Forget the stupid poster of your faults. Instead, start working on what you need to do to be able to relate fully to other people. Start working on what you need to do to be a truly loved and loving human being. Start working on what you need to do to be truly happy. That's what I want from you, in answer to the question in the title of your post. I want for you to be truly happy. But you're the one who has to make it happen. I know and I'm working on them. Ive been trying to contact Chaz. He's my next step right now. He hasnt contacted me about the letter. I went by his dorm earlier only to find out that he went home for the rest of the week. His roommate told me that he had the letter with him. I also found out that he's moving out of the dorms so that has me really concerned. I called his house and they said he was only there for an hour before he took off again. I called his cellphone but I got no wanswer so I left him a message. Right now I really miss him. I dont want to spend another night sleeping in an empty bed without him. I mean we didnt even celebrate valentines day because I messed things up and I want to make it up to him because I cant lose him. Not again. I am meeting with my therapyst tomorrow. So I'm bringing print outs of everything I have posted here. She asked me for them and she said she wanted me to bring my mom also so tomorrow I'm going to have a big day. My mother didn't know I was still seeing my therapyst so you can imagine the shock when she found out. She also wanted me to bring some of my writing. My mother didnt know about this either so she's probably pouring through my website right now reading them. Um David and I are good, well atleast we are talking. He isnt going to move back in but I know were still friends. He's moving the rest of his stuff out tomorrow. He got his own place. He said that it was for the best. Rob never came by so that has me a little on edge. I called him too but I got no answer. GREEN

I do have something to say. I thought there might be something to this whole on the ground thing so I took my laptop and I laid down on the ground. I started to write in my own private computer journal. I put in some of the things I had posted on here and I made a timeline of all of my mistakes. I had alot of them some you guys dont even know. There is one that I had forgotten about and that's when I didnt tell anyone that Julio left me. I am blowing some of them up to make a poster of my faults. It will be fun, I think. GREEN keeping busy as I am very bored right now.

I want to thank you guys for everything. I am taking everything you guys are taking to heart. Libb You are totally right and I am taking yours to heart most of all. Sometimes you need someone to make yousee how stupid you are and I thank you for that. I thought on everything that was said and I thought back on my previous relationships. I pushed Julio away too. He wanted to be there for me as much as I needed to be there for him but I never let him and look where that ended. I wrote a letter for Chaz and I left it at his dorm. He hasnt contacted me yet so I dont know where we stand. I saw David again and we talked for a little bit. I told him about the liar and he burst out laughing saying that I deserve that. He said the Liar was just as crazy as I am. Then we talked about the tumors. I told him everything I knew. I am getting one removed because it's a little big. He looked alarmed but I told him it was just a precaution. Oddly enough I ran into Rob. I asked him how he was and he told me he was alright then he told me something that threw me for a loop. He said he missed David. He missed him alot and he started crying right before me. He told me that the other guy is out of the picture. I asked him to meet with me later on tonight so we could talk. He said he would. I fell today in class. Right there on the floor I started laughing loudly. People in my class were looking at me like I had four heads. I wish I did because then I could say I was crazy but after all of these days it felt great just to laugh. One of the girls from my class joined me right there on the floor and asked me what was so funny. We struck a converstaion and we went to lunch together. She asked me alot about myself. I told her what I could, I mean she's practicly a stranger. But I like her, she's really cool. Then she introduces me to her friend Steven. Steven is a very open person apparently because he kept grabbing my hands. I was like what do you want from me? Then they asked me if I was single. I told them that I wasnt. I mean what else could I say. I would never do anything this quick or even without knowing exactly where Chaz and I stand. Conversation got lighter and apparently easier from here on. I found out they they were musicians and they had their own group. I was still hung up on why they wanted to know if I was single. I mean it was ovbious but I like that they respected the fact that I told them I wasnt. We talked for about an hour before they had to go back to school. They invited me to their next gig. When i got home my neighbors down the street came by because they heard about the breakup. I told them what happened and they told me almost the same thing you guys said. Chaz still hasnt contacted me but I dont expect that he will today. My father called and we made plans to have dinner soon with the Liar. I am going to go to my mothers house I want to give my mother a hug. GREEN. I have nothing else to say. See ya soon.

I will say that you're opinion is valid and in most parts correct. My intention was to never involve my friends. I wanted to keep them completely out of the loop making sure they never thought anything was wrong. Where you're opinion fails is that I didnt find out if they were benign until three days ago. I've been living with this uncertainty for a couple of weeks. This is my fault I never wrote that part. I looked back on my post because I thought I had. Yeah I hate to seem weak in front of my friends. I will always feel that way. The day I posted the first part of this ordeal I had already been through hell and back on my own. I never hurt anyone and they werent mad at me because of the tumors they were mad at me because I was dealing with something they didnt know about. Chaz and Dave didnt find out about the tumors until I came back home. I do feel guilty and I will always feel guilty but not for not wanting my friends to see me as weak. I am not the type of person to lie down and take the worst that life has to give me. I havent had most of the problems my friends have had over the years and I cant help it if I dont want to burden them with my problems because ultimately they've all had it worst than I have. So when I do have a problem I try to fix it myself. You have to understand that for two weeks I thought that I might be dying. I prepared myself for the worst because I hate giving myself false hope. Same thing today I didnt expect either of them to speak to me and I cant tell you why they did, but they did for a reason. So tomorrow when I wake up I am going to live my life. One without friends because I dont have them completely back yet, with the exception of Selene and even if I did its not going to be the same, David will have conditions and so will Chaz. As for Chaz I dont know if we will ever get back together. I read the letter and he said I hurt him when I dont let him in and that I'm the first person he's ever loved but if I cant trust him then we have nothing. The thing is that this is not about trust. I wouldnt have them as friends if I didnt trust them. This is about not bringing my own troubles into their lives when they already have their own. I am ashamed to say that I do have problems but not ashamed to say that I want my friends not to worry about me. My friends are family and I care for them as such. When I left I called the to reassure them that I was alright. I told Selene that I just needed to be away for a couple of days. I told Chaz the same thing when I spoke to him. So I hope this clears up some things for you. I am human after all, I'm not claiming to be perfect. Tomorrow I will wake up in an empty bed in an empty house, dealing with the consequences of my life. Ultimately I got what I thought I needed and thats to be alone. GREEN

I want to thank you guys for all of the encouragement you guys have given me the kast few days. It has really helped a lot. I dont know where my head is that these days but it helps to know that you guys are here to read about my crazy life and help me with your words. Um I saw David today as I expected but he did something I didnt expect. He sat with me. After class we talked. he said he still wasnt moving back in but we were good. I begged him to move back in but he wouldnt give in. He said he needed to be away from me for a while. Chaz wasnt that accepting when I saw him today. He looked at me for a second then he walked the opposite way. He did it again the next time I saw him but then he turned around and walked over to me. He told me to give him some time and then we'd talk. I told him I love him and he smiled before he told me that he did too. Then he walked away. I guess I always expect the worst but I'm really glad that I was wrong. GREEN

No I think this one might be permanent. The truth is I deserve it. I should have trusted them. I tried calling them but they didnt answer me. Selene came by a few minutes ago and we both agreed. That I had been an ass. She said she'd work on David but I shouldnt expect much from him. David is really pissed off at me. Chaz left me a letter that I havent been able to read yet. Its sitting on my bed right now and I know that when I read it we will be truly over. I cant even think about it. I knew what I had and I made sure it left. I am going to see David in class tomorrow morning and the first time since high school we arent going to sit near each other. I told Selene not to play telephone between us. i cant put her in that position but she said she'd do anything to get us all back together. I told her I did everything to make sure we werent. Julio called and he flipped when I told him about the tumors. I was supposed to got to dinner with him tomorrow but I cancelled. I'm just not up to it. My brother the Liar apparently knew about this whole mess before I did. I asked him why he didnt tell me and he said he felt like he should wait. Then we got to talking, granted I couldnt really beleive half of what he said but he told me he found out because his mother had been speaking of it with one of her friends on the phone. My mother explained that she didnt let him stay for my father but for me and that they were getting ready tot ell me soon but I was avoiding her like the plague. So Know Ilike my father I'm left with nothing but an empty house. GREEN

I parked my car in front of my house this morning. Selene is there and she runs towards my car. When I step out of it she hits me hard across my head. I walked away from her she was angry. She walked back over to me and hit me again. Then she hugged me. She told me not to ever do that again, then she took off. When I walked into the house I walked into the worst thing I could ever see. My boyfriend sitting in the living room talking to my mother worried about me. It broke my heart even more that David was listening to my boyfriend talk equaly worried. When they saw me they gave me a hug and Then I was given the cold shoulder until later today when Chaz walked into the room with the medical folder. "What is that," he asked. David walked into the room. I guess he wanted to know too. I told them everything and Chaz had read what I had posted so he was angry at that. David just looked at me like I was a bastard. I explained to them that it was how I felt and how I've been feeling. Then he told me that if I couldnt trust him with something like the tumors then we shouldn't be together. Chaz and I are as of this afternoon are no longer an item. As of this afternoon David will be moving out. So I ultimately got what I wanted and What I deserve I got my space. David hasnt spoken to me. He just keeps on packing. Selene called and told me that he was moving in with her and then added that she was still my friend but she was going to punch me until I got Chaz back. Then I have to deal with the worst part of it all. My brother was waiting for me inside of my mothers house. The Liar is my brother. My father cheated on my mom with my moms friend the Liar's Mother. The Liars mother got pregnant with my fathers son. This is why my mother has been so hesitant to kick him out. He really had nowhere else to go. My father and I are the only other family he has. My mother knew this all along. GREEN

I sat down with my mother last night and we talked. I told her everything. She cried which really made me sad, but what really broke my heart was when she asked me to stay and watch a movie with her. It was important to herthat I stay. We watched the movie me and her watched the night my father told us he was leaving. The Liar came in at one point and he looked at us. I dont know something in him looked real sad. I noticed that before he walked away. We didnt talk about him last night but my mom promised me that we would real soon. I had my mother back even if it was only for two hours. She made me promise to keep her informed about my tumors. I also talked to my stepfather for a bit. He was angry with me because I didnbt tell her earlier. I felt ashamed because no one made him angry like that and I certainly didnt want to do that. I showed him everything I had written on here and he semed to understand. We talked some more over coffee and then he went with me to meet my father. My father and I havent seen each other in months. I decided to keep him out of my life for a little while so when I approcahed him we both had to swallow our pried. He looked at me for a long time before either of us said anything. I couldnt keep going like this so I broke the ice and I gave him a hug. It took a lot from me to do that and I could tell that he understood because we were both in tears by the time I broke away from him. We talked ofr two hours after this. My stepfather and My father actually got along for once even though I know they did it for my sake. This whole situation took me back to when I was a kid and I could tell my father everything. I told him about the tumors. My father started to cry before I could even tell them they were benign. Then we moved on to other subjects. The subjects that had our relationship strained. The problem is that we are so much the same person that clash sometimes. He told me the whole truth for once. This however shocked me. My father cheated on my mother but not when we thought he did, a fact that my stepfather confirmed. My father left my mother because he was ahamed of something he did before I was even three years old. He just never told her about it and then it catched up to him. So he left, just like me he left and took care of it on his own. Now he has nothing but the little apartment he lives in and two sons, one he didnt know existed until I was fifteen, and one that until last night hated him. I asked why no one told me this. My father says that I already know who my brother is. So i aske dwho it was and my stepfather tells me. Suddenly I understood my father more than anyone in the world. He is the same man that I am becoming. So we said our goodbyes and I headed home... GREEN

You guys are totally right if they were going througgh this and they didnt tell me I'd be angry with them. I'd like them to know that they could count on me for anything, but when it comes to me I've always been the friend they came to. I just dont like the idea of going to my friends because they all have their own problems right now. Besides they always take someone else's side when I talk to them about anything. They took my mothers side during the liar situation. Like I wrote before I hate the idea of being weak in front of them. Even though I am alright that was all I could think about. It drove me crazy and I dont know why? Yesterday I actually tried to tell them but I freaked. Chaz called me late last nigth wanting to know where I was because he was coming for me. I didnt tell him. Selene came here this morning and myfriend told her I wasnt here. Good thing I hid my car in his garage. David didnt call but he left me an email telling me that he saw me come in the house. He said that he knew by the look on my face that something is really wrong but I'd talk when I was ready. Chaz called again a little while ago and asked me what was going on. I told him I'd meet with him soon. I reassured him that I wasnt going to break up with him and I left it at that. I called Sleen back and I told her I was going somewhere and that I'd see her at school this week. Right now I am preparing to be completely honest with these people. I have to be and I cant fail at it. The thing is that I will probably ask them to leave me alone for a few more days. I'm not the touchy feely type when it comes to stuff like this. I am about to go tell my mother. I called her and my stepfather this morning and asked them to meet me for breakfast. I told them that we had alot to talk about and I didnt want the Liar around. I also called my father and he agreed to meet with me tonight. That one os going to be the hardest one because I had decided to not talk to him for a long time after our last argument but I feel that he needs to know too. Thanks for your kind words guys. GREEN