Wow. Firstly I have to say Thank You to everyone for sharing your stories. Even though it makes somewhat chilling reading at times, it's pretty amazing everyones brave enough to just flat out admit they've had or still have problems.
My friend's fiancé comitted suicide earlier this year, so I suppose this topic's been on my mind. I don't know how she is coping with it all as well as she is.
Around 6 years ago now, certain things happened, a lot at the same time, and it just got to the point I remember thinking "I just don't want to be here". I never thought about taking my life, but I remember that feeling of just not caring if I wasn't around, and maybe the exhaustion and pain would end. It's strange looking back now, it's almost like I'm stood in the room watching myself just give up. I self-harmed one time. Its almost funny that it was during this phase that I kissed a guy for the first time. And I felt guilt. Which of course years on I realise is stupid, but at the time dealing with sexuality on top of everything else just pushed me too far. I hurt myself almost out of anger, shame and sadness. Of course nobody really knew I was going through anything; I didn't tell and I'd used humour to deal with problems and I guess because I was the funny one, I always would seem "so happy". But of course there's that point where its too much. I'd never judge anyone who would have suicidal thoughts or attempts, that feeling of just not being able to deal with it anymore, that hopelessness is painful even just to think about nevermind experience.
I finally got help, I saw a counsellor weekly for a few months. Strangely by the end of it, the problems were still there, there was no magical answer given on how to deal with everything, but I was so much better. The millions of reasons of why life can be amazing became kinda obvious again and the years following that time have been the best of what is so far still my short little life. And yes of course I'm glad I didn't just "not be here" anymore.
It's been quite a while since I last posted on GA actually, I don't know if anyone here knows who I am but if anyone is still feeling that hopeless, please speak to someone about it. A doctor, a counsellor, even a forum friend.
Looking back on what I would have missed out on; I've lived in Japan, met people from all round the world with different cultures, ideas and experiences that have influenced who I am, the things I've got to do from climbing the Great Wall of China to dating a guy - guilt free may I add, it would have been a pretty big shame to not have had that.
When I imagine that kid that had a bad couple years, or all the people out there that have such horrible experiences, to end it all with that hopelessly desperate feeling being the last thing they feel, to not have a chance at feeling happiness again, breaks my heart. I'll say it again, anyone still feeling like this, please speak to someone, even if you think it's a load of shit.
Someone said to me "Yeah, you deserve a happy ending Tom." Umm, it's hardly an ending, it's still just the beginning (lol ok cheesy). But I'd like to hope that with the right help, everyone can have that beginning.
To everyone, take care. x