Ramon
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Everything posted by Ramon
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Chapter 16 - Time for the Truth
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 16 - Time for the Truth
Wow! That was quite the chapter there. I kinda wanted a Ted/Charlie pairing earlier but I didn't think Ted would just come out and say it like that. And then Scott comes barreling in. That should make it easier for Ted to accept right? -
I'm usually not a big fan of rehashing previous scenes during a change in POV but this was done nicely here. I really did want to know what Scott was thinking when they meet up again so this lent itself quite well to that. It was also nice that there were additional scenes here. Anyway, it's almost 3am so this will be the last one for now.
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Chapter 12 - Interference and Reading Signs
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 12 - Interference and Reading Signs
Surely one of them must know that the customer was Barbara, right? And I just love Charlie. His awkwardness is actually very cute. The date meeting at the bookstore will be interesting. -
Chapter 9 - Birthday ... Surprise?
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 9 - Birthday ... Surprise?
23rd birthday? I thought Charlie was just 22 and the twins are younger? Aside from that, it was a good chapter. Lots of things happened. I'm gonna guess that she will somehow get Charlie and Scott to meet up and I hope that she can work her mom powers on Rick. -
Chapter 8 - Trouble with Gifts
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 8 - Trouble with Gifts
Aww they missed each other. Boo! Scott is making Julie and Nick keep an eye out for Charlie so there must have been a connection there. -
Chapter 7 - Barbara Makes Her Presence Known
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 7 - Barbara Makes Her Presence Known
Your characterization of Charlie's mom is amazing. She's so real, and her mom powers are awesome! haha -
Chapter 6 - The Music Knew the End
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 6 - The Music Knew the End
That was expected but it is still sad to see them break up. This was a good chapter. The emotions come off as authentic and you can really feel what the characters are feeling. Nicely done! -
Chapter 5 - Working Out the Day's Events
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 5 - Working Out the Day's Events
Ditto what KC said Charlie not being in love with Tina. I still really want her to stay so I'm really interested in how Charlie handles that situation. Also, gonna try the blueberry thing the next time I get the urge to bake. -
Chapter 4 - Meeting Mr. Reeds
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 4 - Meeting Mr. Reeds
I really like this chapter. Charlie seemed so cute getting caught staring and Scott seems like he'll be a fun guy to be around. The Scott reads what thing had me laughing. Is the part where Scott speaks the first time supposed to be in italics? -
I'm starting to like Charlie here. He definitely was calmer than I expected him to be. And like everyone else, I have ideas on how he can thank Scott!!
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Chapter 1 - Charlies Night
Ramon commented on comicfan's story chapter in Chapter 1 - Charlies Night
Nice start. I always like it when there are problems right away. Not a big fan of Charlie at the moment. I don't really have a reason as to why I don't like him; I just don't. I actually like Tina though. Her two day deadline makes her seem like a jerk but her initial reaction to them meeting was nice. They'll most likely break up eventually but I think Tina can help Charlie in some way. -
Interesting topic. Not really sure how things are connected as of yet or where things will go but I'd like to see where this goes. The only thing I'm not very fond of though is that it feels like you are simply telling me what happens and not really showing it to me. Not sure if that makes a lot of sense but I can't think of another way to explain it. Maybe it's because it's in third person but its feels so detached from the characters.
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Chapter 1: Call Your First Witness
Ramon commented on Andrew Q Gordon's story chapter in Chapter 1: Call Your First Witness
Definitely has the Law & Order feel to it like everyone has said! I could really picture the courtroom setting and all the things happening. I love the judge and that scene in the Robing Room (is that really what you call it?) was fun. I also liked that you showed some of Martin's quirks. -
Geez those old videos you put in the story always make me teary eyed. You're really good at capturing the emotion in the scenes that you put those in.
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He didn't just leave right after they got caught, did he? I know he said some comforting words when they got caught last chapter but what happened after that? Also, why is is Jake picking him up and why is Eli telling him what happened? Way to be insensitive, Eli! It was a nice chapter. I really wanted to see the conversation between Jake and Eli so I was happy to see it here. However, you could have probably taken out most of what happened in school that day and showed more of what happened in Viz's house.
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Darn, the Jake/Eli issue was fixed right away. I was hoping for slightly more drama before that was fixed. hehe It was nice to see Jake still be a good guy. I guess the drama is going to come from Viz's mom. I wonder if she is going to be okay.
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I really wish the Jake/Eli issue works out okay. It's a tricky situation but it really would be sad if their friendship ends because of this.
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Uh oh, I wonder if Jake's secretly in love with Eli or he's just afraid he'll lose his best friend status. It was a nice chapter. I liked the honest take on the situation with the mom.
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I love this chapter. The banter between them right after Viz's victory dance was fun and those videos are amazing. I liked video of Eli because it highlights his fun side as well as the quirks that most people in school probably never see. Viz Undone, however, was genius. It really did make me see him in a different way.
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It was nice to see Viz's side of the first encounter since it allows us to get to know him better. With that said though, I'm not sure if rehashing the same events is good for the flow of the story. Also, you have some paragraphs that are larger in text size compared to others. It's a formatting issue but I thought you should know about it.
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Ditto what Nephy and Cia have said. The jock befriends geeky new kid through a getting to know you project is a bit cliche, but at least yours the closeted bully angle. Besides, I'm a sucker for this premise anyway. Eli is quite likeable and his interaction with his siblings and with Jake was nice. Not much I can say about Viz yet but the next chapter is in his POV so I'll comment about him then. Anyway, it's a good start.
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Natham being territorial while being injured is so cute! I guess wild cats are usually like that so it should be that much of a surprise.
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Natham is the lynx with the humans that killed Velaku's father, isn't he? Their probably mates as well. But if that is right, does that mean that Velaku having wings early is also related to Natham? Seems like things will start to get complicated.
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Wow this is quite the start. Velaku's emotions really jump out and the image of him on that ledge grieving his father's death is amazing. I even had to stop reading a couple of times since I was at the airport and didn't want to get teary eyed in front of people.
