Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 2. Chapter 2 - Sometimes the Past Doesn't Stay in the Past

“Silver... what’s wrong?” I can’t move. He’s still got me tied up in knots with his body. I am only just coming back to full consciousness and I’m beginning to panic.

Silver’s weeping is almost silent. He seems to have withdrawn behind a barrier that mutes sound and motion. It’s like watching someone through a window, too far away to be able to hear or touch them.

“Silver please... let me go.” I don’t want to force my way free. The possibility of hurting him is unthinkable. And yet he seems to have lost himself, lost his awareness of my presence and lying here watching him cry is unthinkable too.

Somehow I manage to twist my body round enough so that I can at least reach him, stroke his hair, rub his back but even that doesn’t seem to be getting through to him. Combing my fingers through his hair I try to tease his head back so I can look into his face. It seems as if I am going to break his neck. I can’t quite work out how our bodies are linked together. Crazy I know but there you are.

“Silver.” I say again softly as I brush the hair from his face and finally get to see his eyes, wide open and staring at something I can’t see. Tears are flowing freely and I don’t think he’s even aware of them. I stroke his face and wipe the tears away. He blinks heavily and looks at me, dazed.

“Silver... are you alright?”

“I...” He blinks again and sighs deeply, then he seems to realise where he is and what he’s doing and slowly begins to unwind the knot.

Finally we are lying side by side facing each other. I grab the quilt and pull it over us because we are both shivering.

“What happened?”

He doesn’t try to deny it, to suggest that nothing had happened, that everything is alright. He simply frowns and shakes his head slightly. “I don’t know. I was... I wanted so much to make you happy, to show you how happy I am that you got what you wanted. I was... I was doing everything right, at least... at least I think I was.” He bites his lip and shakes his head again.

“The thing is... the thing is that I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s right any more. There’s no one to ask, no one to tell me.” He looks into my eyes with a very intense stare and he can see straight away that I don’t understand. “It’s not that I want to go back. I don’t want to be anywhere but here with you, but...” He sighs. “Sometimes I get... lost, River. Back then I knew who I was, what was expected of me, how to do everything I did, down to the last breath. I existed to serve and I was good at it. But now...” He sighs again.

“I don’t expect you to understand River. You can’t. I just... it hit me that... I’m losing them. I’m losing my skills, the things that made me worth something. I don’t do the exercises and I don’t... use them and I don’t... I can’t... I’m not...” He stops and groans with frustration. “I have no idea how to explain. No words.”

“You don’t have to explain. I think I understand. The things you did... the things you learned. For a long time they were a major part of your life. Even though it’s not a life you are living any more, your skills were something that you brought with you, the good things. They are the only things that link who you were before and who you were during, with who you are after. I can understand why the thought of losing them is scary.”

“You can?”

“Of course I can. For a long time they were what defined you. Even though you realise what you did then was wrong that doesn’t undo the fact that you did it, that you believed in it and that you judged yourself by it. It’s like... like people who have been in prison for a long time. They become so used to the routine, the activities, the lifestyle, that when they come out, even though the release is what they wanted, they have to keep up the same routines and they often can’t cope. It’s called institutionalisation and I think it’s similar to what you are experiencing.

“Maybe I didn’t do the right thing when I asked you not to do that to me. I’m sorry Silver. I thought I was helping you. I thought that every time you did it, you would be slipping back into the past. I don’t want to force you to do anything. I don’t want to stop you doing anything. If I do then I will be no better than the monsters who made you like this in the first place.

“But I... I just don’t want you to be hurt. I don’t want to see that look in your eyes that tells me you’re not here anymore. I know what happens. I know that you go back, that in your head you’re back there. I can’t bear it.”

He smiles, a sad little smile. “You are the one who said that you have to look into the past to be able to move into the future. I don’t want to be like that again River, to be a slave. I... know it was wrong, that I was wrong but...” He shakes his head. “It’s not a simple as that.”

Silver looks into my eyes, scanning me, worried. “I can’t wipe out those years. I can’t change what I was and I can't change the fact that for a long time I believed that was all I was, all I would ever be. That’s still there. Deep inside it’s all still there. I’m working on it but... I don’t think I’m doing it right. I can’t change it by pretending it never happened, by trying to be something different. It’s still part of me. It’s still part of who I am. My skills, my body, the things I do with it... it’s who I am... at least part of who I am. And I’m losing it. And it scares me.”

“You’re scared? Why?”

“Because... because I feel... I feel like part of me is slipping away, falling through my fingers. I thought it was a part I wouldn’t miss. I thought it was a part that was bad and would leave me feeling clean and whole and better... but it isn’t. It’s making me feel... empty and scared. Now that it’s disappearing I want it to come back. I don’t know what will happen if I lose myself. I’m not ready to be someone else. There isn’t enough to fill the hole.”

“I don’t understand Silver. I don’t understand what you’re saying. Are you saying that you want... that you want to... to be what you were again?”

Silver’s eyes widen and he shakes his head hurriedly. “No. No, not that. I... I’m glad that’s over. No that’s what I did, not what I was. I was... I was...” He closes his eyes and starts to shake. “I know you love me River. I never doubt that. And I know I love you but...” He opens his eyes and there are tears flowing again. “I can’t stop thinking about it... the things I used to do. I hate it. I hate them. But... but I was good at it. It made me proud when I did something well, when I pleased my master, when I heard people talking about me. I got praise for what I could DO... not what I was; my beauty, my personality, my desirability... but what I could DO... it... it made me feel...” He shakes his head and sighs.

“It made you feel useful? Valuable? Worthy?”

“Yes.” He whispers.

“And now you feel you are losing those skills and it makes you feel that you won’t be useful and valuable and worthy any more, that as much as I love you and you love me you want more... you want to be... worth more for yourself.”

“Yes.” He says, looking more hopeful.

“What if you could do it in other ways? What if you could make people happy with other things, not your body?”

“I... don’t know. What do you mean?”

“Well... You give awesome massages, why not train to be a masseuse?”

“What’s that?”

“Someone who gives massages... to treat injuries, to relax people... just to...” I stop because he’s shaking his head. “What?”

“It’s part of it River, part of the... the sex. I know where to touch, where to press to make your body react in whatever way I want. I know how the energy flows through you and I can increase it or decrease it, even divert it. I can make your heart beat faster; I can make you cum or not cum; I can even increase or decrease blood supply in particular parts of you. I can even make you pass out but... it’s part of it, it’s all part of it. I couldn’t...”

“It’s alright. I understand. But there are other things you do, things that are not related to the sex.”

He frowns at me, unconvinced and a lightbulb comes on as I have an eureka moment. I reach out and touch his face, smiling. “Do you trust me?”

“I... yes.”

“Will you trust me with this... just for a little while? Will you trust that I can make it right? Will you stop being scared just for a while, to give me a chance to make it right?”

“I...” He closes his eyes and bites his lip, making a huge effort to pull in all his frayed strands. “Yes.”

I take him into my arms. He is still shaking and there are still tears in his eyes. I am scared, scared that he is slipping back into that chasm but I have an idea that I think will throw him a rope. I hope so.

In the night Silver has a dream. It’s been a long time since I’ve woken to a wet pillow or the sound of muted weeping. I think that this time I was tuned into it. I can see straight away that he isn’t awake and I don’t want to wake him. Despite the tears and the pathetic whimpers he looks somehow... peaceful.

I gather him into my arms and stroke his hair until he calms, until the whimpers stop and his body relaxes. It takes a surprisingly long time. It just seems to go on and on as if he is emptying himself into the tears and I can’t help but be scared that when it’s over there will be nothing left. When, at last, he’s quiet and quiescent in my arms, I lie for a long time watching him breathe and wondering.

It’s been a long time but it really hasn’t been very long at all. Silver is so strong, so brave I sometimes forget how ill he’s been. When I first met him he was completely withdrawn, locked away inside his head and unable to communicate with the world at all. His experience during the time he was a slave damaged him deeply and no one expected him to get over them so quickly.

Thinking back, when I first met him I would never have believed that we would come to be together. It was beyond my dreams. The things he suffered at the hands of those monsters, while he was a slave, when he dared to love, and when he finally started to trust and feel safe again were horrific. It would have been enough to entirely destroy many people. Maybe even most people.

I have seen it before. My childhood friend went through a similar experience, not even such a traumatic one. He couldn’t live in the world without the security of a rigid framework on which to hang his life. And so he ended it.

That has never been a fear with Silver. He is too strong for that, too brave. But maybe that has blinded me. He’s come so far and yet... Sometimes I wonder if he has, if he really has or if we just see what we want to see. Oh he’s not withdrawn any more, he doesn’t hide inside his head and refuse to communicate. We talk, we laugh, we communicate... at some levels.

And yet he is still so lost. There are many things that he doesn’t know or doesn’t understand and, although we are working on them, on filling in the holes in his knowledge there are some holes that can’t be filled. One of the problems, surprisingly, is that he is so intelligent, so quick to learn. Very early on he learned to paper over the cracks. He often gives the impression of being whole and ... normal. Sometimes that’s what he wants me to see and sometimes that is what I want to see. But it’s an illusion nevertheless. Knowledge and skill are not the same as experience.

He has never experienced many of the things we take for granted. He never finished school, never had a ‘proper’ job, never been to a pub or club, never been drunk, never driven a car or ridden a bus or a train. He’s never had a hopeless crush, or had his heart broken in the normal sense. He’s never had a relationship of any kind, at least that he can remember, other than as master and slave. Well... except for one disastrous one that ended in pain and death.

He’s never rebelled, never had a screaming row, never fought with anyone in any way. Although he is growing more confident and he challenges, he still backs down when pressed. He has a pathological fear of upsetting anyone or making them angry and that really isn’t surprising given what happened to him when he’d done that before.

All the things that ‘normal’ people do between the ages of 12 and 20 he missed completely. In the formative years when the adult personality grows, develops and establishes itself he hadn’t been allowed to have one. And now here he was an adult in a world that really isn’t very compromising in the way it perceives adult behaviour. He has no idea how to behave around other people and as a result he is terrified of them.

It’s hard enough for him when we go to Sam’s. He loves Sam and Hester and Jake but sometimes, when we are sitting around the dinner table, or relaxing in the garden, he gets confused and scared. He withdraws because he can’t handle the easy banter and flow of conversation. He just doesn’t know what to do or what to say. Of course they have all been wonderful, gently coaxing him out of his shell, easing him into the conversation and ignoring his discomfort and blanking out. But we all know that outside their garden gate, there is a whole world of people who simply won’t.

It’s hardly surprising that he is scared of losing what identity he has when he hasn’t had time to develop a new one. It’s true... these last three months have seemed like a long time but really they haven’t been at all. I sigh and mentally kick myself. I should never have let my guards down, let myself get complacent.

It has been so easy to pretend that everything is normal, that Silver is just like everyone else, all better now. To me he is perfect. I love everything about him. I love his gentleness, his shyness, his simple, uncomplicated view of the world, life and everything. I love the way he cries unashamedly when something, good or bad, touches him. I love the way he gets excited by the small things of life... like the bubbles that sometimes come out of the washing up liquid bottle after it’s squeezed into the bowl, and the birds in the garden, even spiders. Strangely he loves spiders and sometimes stands for ages watching one spin a web or crawl across a wall or even just sit there in the corner of the room.

He’s so pure and refreshing and... wonderful but... It has been brought home to me very forcefully that he isn’t... normal. He isn’t... complete. He isn’t... whole. I thought we had come through the difficult times, that we had settled in, that we were happy and safe and stable. Clearly I have been a fool. The road still stretches out before us with pitfalls around every corner. I smile. At least I have an idea how to bridge the first one.

When I finally fall asleep there is a smile on my lips.

The next morning I leave Silver asleep and make a phone call. Then I get dressed and sneak a few things out to the car. Once I am done with my subterfuge I start to make breakfast.

It is the smell of frying bacon that wakes Silver and he wanders into the kitchen dressed in nothing but a pair of tight pants and a sleepy smile.

“Good morning sleepyhead. It’s almost afternoon.”

He glances at the clock. “No it isn’t.”

“Well I’ve been up for ages to it feels like afternoon to me.”

“What have you been doing?”

“Thinking.”

He falls silent and I can feel his eyes bore into my back as I carefully layer bacon between slices of buttered bread.

“I’m sorry River.” He says so softly that I can barely hear him and in a voice that worries me about what exactly it is he is apologising for.

I turn and put the plate of bacon sandwiches on the table. “Sit down and eat.”

As usual he complies. It makes me want to sigh. He doesn’t respond mindlessly to commands now but he still finds it difficult to directly go against a firm instruction.

I sit opposite him and try to study his face but he is hiding behind his hair. It isn’t quite as effective now that it is shorter but still enough to cover his face.

“Don’t hide from me.” This time I make sure to keep my voice neutral and so he is able to ignore it.

“I’m sorry.”

I reach out and lay my hand over his. It trembles as if his first reaction is to pull it away... but he doesn’t. It flutters for a moment and then falls still.

“You don’t have to be sorry. There is nothing for you to be sorry about. I have been so hell bent on rushing you into this new world, in creating the new you, that I didn’t give a thought about what it would cost you to lose the old one. I suppose I just assumed that there was nothing of value there that you would want to keep. I forgot that there was you.”

He looks up, his eyes bright. “You do understand.”

“I’m trying to. Silver it’s important that you understand that what I want is what you want. I’ve been hurrying you down a path that I’ve laid out for you, just assuming it’s the direction you want to go. Looking back I know I’ve made mistakes. I’ve overlooked things and pushed aside things that were important, that are important to you.

“I’m not perfect Silver. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve made assumptions about what you want, but really it’s been what I want, or at best what I think you want. I’m going to stop now. I’m going to stop and let you take a breath and when you have... you can decide where to go next.”

He looks alarmed. “But I... I don’t know... I don’t know where to go?”

“Yes you do. Remember I told you once about learning to listen to your inner voice.”

Slowly he nods.

“That’s still all you need to do. Every time you feel something, every time you want something, every time your voice tells you something it’s up to you whether you listen to it or not, which direction you let it take you. I know that it’s still scary. I know it’s still hard for you to let the voice out but I am going to try really hard to be better at listening to it too. I’ve been dragging you along behind me for too long, from now on we walk side by side... and if you need to do something I will let you, whether I like it or not.”

He still looks confused and then brightens, a glow coming into his eyes. “Do you mean that I can...?”

“You can do whatever you want?”

“Can I do my exercises? Practice my skills?”

“As long as you promise not to practice them on anyone else and that you won’t leave me tied up in knots any more while you go journeying through your mind. I don’t mind holding you while you cry but it helps if I don’t have to manoeuvre my foot behind my ear to do it.”

Silver grins and all the fear goes away... for now.

“There is one thing though... one tiny thing that I might just have to meddle in.”

“What’s that?”

He’s tucking into the sandwiches with gusto now, his eyes looking up at me, calm and silver again.

“Oh... you’ll see.”