Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 6. Chapter 6 - The River's Other Man

When I hang up the phone I sit down heavily on the stone bench. I am numb and lost and shocked and... and...

“What’s the matter?” Silver asks concerned, sitting down next to me.

“I... I just...”

I can’t speak the words. They haven’t sunk in yet. I am still in shock.

“River?”

I look up into Silver’s beautiful, anxious face and some of the tension eases. It’s still harder that I thought it would be to get the words out.

“It... it was the hospital. My parents have been in an accident. They... they’re dead.”

“Oh god. River I’m... I... don’t know what to say. It’s so terrible.”

“Yeah... I... wasn’t close to them... at least not for the last few years. They didn’t exactly disown me when I came out to them but they didn’t take it too well either.”

“Came out of what?”

I smile. I can’t help it. He is so sweet. “’Coming out’ means telling people, usually people who are close to you, that you’re gay.”

“Oh.” I can see he doesn’t understand.

“There are a lot of people who think it’s wrong, even evil, for a man to love another man.”

“Why?” He looks really confused now. I sigh. I wish we had never got into this conversation. It’s a wonder that we have never had it before but Silver is so sweet, so innocent, so accepting that the whole concept of prejudice is alien to him. He has kind of got his head around racial prejudice although I don’t think he really understands the concept that one person could hurt another in any way just because of where they live or what colour their skin is. There is no way he is going to be able to understand why they would do it because of who we love.

“I can't really answer that. There are some, religious people, who say that it is banned in the Bible and is vile and an abomination to God.”

“I’ve read the Bible. It isn’t very nice.”

“In some places it isn’t, no.”

“I don’t remember reading where it says that love is evil. Doesn’t it say that love is holy?”

“Only some kinds it seems.”

“But...”

“Silver,” I say gently, knowing what he’s like. “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can have this conversation right now. I have a lot on my mind.”

“I’m sorry River. I know I get carried away. You must be feeling awful.”

“I am but... but that’s not all. My brother was in the car with them.”

“You have a brother?”

“Yes... he’s twelve.”

“Is he going to die too?”

“No. He... I don’t think he’s badly hurt but, with my parents gone, he’s alone.”

“But he can’t be. River he’s the same age as I was... as Matthew was... you can't let something bad happen to him like it happened to me. Can’t you bring him home to live here, with us?”

My beautiful, beautiful boy just keeps on surprising me. I was paralysed with pain and fear and Silver, ever the pragmatist went straight to the heart of the problem and found a solution without even trying.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind? It’s a huge commitment, bringing up a child.”

Silver frowns and I see so clearly the child in him. For a moment I balk. It’s been hard bringing Silver back into the world and there is still a long way to go. Would it be fair on either of them to bring them together? Would it be fair on me? How would I cope? Between the two of them...

“I like Jake. He’s cool. He teaches me things. Maybe your brother can teach me things too. Maybe I can teach him things. What’s his name?”

“Ben.”

“Ben?” Silver sounds surprised, almost confused.

“Yes. Why does that surprise you?”

“Your parents gave you such a beautiful name. I’m not saying that Ben isn’t a beautiful name, River.” He rushes on anxiously, continuing when he sees my smile. “But Ben isn’t like River at all.”

“No... no, it isn’t.” I sigh at that. A lot changed in the twelve years between when I was born and when Ben was born. My parents had, in some ways been crushed under the weight of their family. They had been travelling when I was born, seeing the world and I had come as a bit of a shock and curtailed their free and easy lifestyle. They tried to continue it but my mother had been ill for a time after my birth and needed the help of her family who are not at all like they are... like they used to be. They broke my parents’ spirits and after that...

“My parents had... changed by the time Ben was born. He does have a middle name though.” I smile at that. They still had some of the spark left, even then. “He’s Benjamin Skye Caulfield.”

Silver considers and nods seriously. “Yes.” He says simply and I know exactly what he means.

“I need to go straight away. Ben might be hurt. He’s going to need me what with... with being all alone...” I can’t quite bring myself to say it. To say it would make it real and I’m not ready to face it just yet. I have to focus on Ben. There will be time enough later to come to terms with the fact that I am now an orphan, that my parents are... are... gone.

I drop everything and hurry into the house to pack for a few days away. I am surprised when Silver starts to take his carefully folded clothes out of his dresser.

“What are you doing?” He looks at me, surprised.

“Packing.”

“But why?”

“So that I will have clothes to wear,” he says, looking puzzled.

“But you’re not coming.” Ah shit! If could, I would bite out my own tongue right now. The look of pain on his face is crucifying.

“Don’t you want me to come?”

“Of course I want you to come but I... I thought.” He looks really confused now, tears sparkling in his eyes, which are grey as a sky in the middle of a storm. “Silver, I love you and I would never leave you behind but I thought that you wouldn’t want to go.”

“But why? Why would you think that? Isn’t it obvious that I love you and that I want to be with you, especially when you need me.”

“It is. It is obvious but I thought you would be scared.”

“I am scared.”

“Then why...?”

“I love you.” He says simply.

“I don’t understand.”

“You are hurting. You need me. I love you so I will be with you... no matter where you go. You helped me when I needed you. You stayed with me and took care of me even when you were scared. Now I can do that for you. It will be hard for me and I am afraid, but it will be hard for you too and I am more afraid of being left behind, of being without you. I never want to be without you.”

“You would do that for me? Even though you are afraid you would come with me because I need you?”

“Of course.” He is frowning, puzzled as if he really can’t understand my doubt. He is so beautiful, so sweet, so downright wonderful. What have I done to deserve such an angel in my life? Spontaneously I take him into my arms and kiss him. He responds, the tears forgotten.

We pack enough for a few days away and throw the bags into the car. He doesn’t ask where we are going or where we are going to stay, he trusts me absolutely.

He looks nervous as we get into the car and his hands are shaking when he puts on his seatbelt, but when I lay my hand briefly over his he smiles his bright smile and I know he would no more admit the paralysing fear I can see behind his eyes, than bite off his own hand. He is my own private miracle and I hope that this trip doesn’t do more harm than good to him.

I remember the incident in the park and it makes me even more touched and proud that he is taking this journey with me, for me.

It is not so very far, not far at all and in a couple of hours we reach the edge of a very familiar town. Silver has had his eyes closed the whole way but I know he hasn’t been sleeping. As I start to negotiate the streets of my home town, I talk to Silver of the memories evoked just by being here. He opens his eyes, interested and I point out landmarks. He settles down, lulled by my stories, fascinated by the life I had before, the person I used to be. Although there is strain in my voice, pain in my memories, they are passionate and he responds to that. He understands what it is like to have once been a completely different person.

About twenty minutes after arriving at the outskirts of the town, I pull into the car park at the hospital. It is a busy hospital and there are cars and people everywhere. Silver’s eyes grow wide and fearful. He is trembling badly and I am suddenly afraid for him.

As we slide into a parking space he turns to me and whispers. “I can't do this River. I thought I could but I can't. There are so many people so... so...”

I turn to him and smile in what I hope is a reassuring way. Brushing the hair out of his eyes I draw him forward and kiss him. “It’s alright. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It’s enough, more than enough that you have come with me this far. What you have already done for me is amazing and I appreciate it so much. Do you think you would be okay to stay here, in the car? I won’t be long, I promise.”

Silver looks frightened but forces a smile and nods. “I’ll be alright.”

“Look... your sketch books are in the back. Why don’t you do some sketching? You know that when you get absorbed in that you forget where you are and time goes fast.”

He nods and smiles again, but the fear is still there, as strong as ever. When I get out of the car I find his books and materials and hand them to him. He looks at me blankly and my stomach knots. But now I am here... Ben is in there. I bend down and kiss him and then I turn away before it becomes impossible to do so.

The hospital is just as I remember it. I spent quite a lot of time here when I was a child. I have to remind myself not to go straight to A&E, but find the main entrance and head to the front desk. I am given directions to the paediatric unit and am immediately sucked into the maze or corridors.

I wander in a confused and haphazard manner until I find the right place. Hospitals give me the creeps (yeah I know, I know... a bad start for a nurse but still...) and I am decidedly nervous by the time I get to the right place.

I give Ben’s name to the nurse at the desk and am told to wait which I do restlessly. A few minutes later a doctor appears with a grim look on his face that makes me feel sick. He leads me into a room where he motions me to sit.

“I’m so sorry about your loss. If it’s any consolation I am told that it was very quick and they didn’t suffer.”

“Thank you.” But that’s not what I want to hear. I don’t want to think, let alone talk about that right now. “What about Ben? Is Ben hurt?”

“Miraculously, he seems to have escaped serious injury. He is a little battered and bruised and, understandably very shocked but he seems to have come through this remarkably well. He had a nasty bump on the head so we want to keep him in until tomorrow but then, as long as we are sure he has somewhere safe to go we’ll be happy to release him.”

“Don’t worry. He will have a safe place to go. He’s coming home with me. I’m going to take care of him. We were close... very close. He’ll be okay with me. He’ll be happy; I’ll make sure of that.”

I know that I am giving the doctor too much information but for some reason it all comes out. The doctor smiles, the first genuinely warm smile I have seen on his face. “I’m sure he will be. He’s a sweet kid. He deserves it.”

“Yes,” I say fervently, “he does.”

“I think you should know that there have been another couple who have wanted to see him. They say they are his aunt and uncle and they wanted to take him home with them.”

My heart goes cold. “The Hansons?”

“Yes, I think that was the name.”

“Mrs Hanson is my mother’s sister. They... we didn’t get on.”

“There was something that concerned me... and as you are Ben’s next of kin, I wanted to make sure that I spoke to you before I made any decisions.”

“And now?”

“Now I have no doubts. As long as nothing goes wrong with Ben tonight, and I have no reason to believe that it will, you can come and collect him round about noon tomorrow.”

“And the Hansons?”

“Will be told that any decisions relating to Ben, are yours now. He’s your brother, you are his next of kin and I am quite satisfied that you are responsible enough to care for him. I have... verified your identity of course.”

I can’t help but smile at that. “You’ve done some snooping.”

“It wasn’t difficult. You stirred up quite a storm.”

“Not deliberately I can assure you.”

“No... I don’t suppose so. I understand that you and your partner in crime are now living together. How does he feel about having another member of the household?”

“Silver? He...” Just thinking of him makes me smile. “He’s very special person. I think that he and Ben will be great friends in no time and I’ll have my hands full with the two of them.”

The doctor smiles again. “I would like to have met him. I have yet to find someone who has a bad word to say about him.”

“How many people have you spoken to?”

“A few. You will appreciate River that Ben has been through a very traumatic experience and I would be extremely remiss in my job if I did not make sure that he was going somewhere safe.”

“I appreciate that.”

The doctor nods. “You should know... I didn’t hear a bad word about you either. Your former employer went as far as to say that he would trust you with his life.”

“Dr Marshall said that?”

“Cross my heart...” He smiles.

“Can I see Ben now?”

“Of course you can. He knows you’re coming and he’s been very restless waiting for you.”

The doctor leads me through the maze of corridors, just a short way and then pauses outside a door. “We put him in a side ward because he was so upset... understandably. He’s very sore and emotional but of course you appreciate that. We have given him some painkillers and a mild sedative so he’ll probably be quite sleepy but he’s been very good so I don’t think we’ll need to give him anything more than Paracetamol for a few days. To be honest he could come home now but I really would be happier to keep him in overnight just to be sure.”

“Whatever you say. It will give me a chance to sort some things out at the house before he comes home.”

“Will you be taking him back to your parents’ home?”

“I had intended to... for a few days. I thought he would want to see his friends, sort out his things. Do you think that wouldn’t be a good idea?”

“Play it by ear. It may be that it would be too much for him or it may be that it’s exactly what he needs. Just be aware of his reactions, his behaviour. You may have some problems with that over the next few months. I know that I don’t need to talk to you about counselling.”

“No. I’ll keep an eye on him and if there are problems I know where to get help.”

“Good. I’ll leave you to it then.”

I open the door and peep around. Ben is asleep, curled on his side. He is so beautiful. Not like Silver, in a completely different way. His hair is lighter than mine with bright copper highlights sprinkling the rich chestnut, and it is shorter, although still long enough to cover his face as it falls forwards.

Softly I slip inside and close the door, sitting on the bench at the side of the bed and gently brush the hair off his face. He stirs and blinks sleepy eyes. For a moment he stares at me blankly and then suddenly he throws himself at me, locking his arms around my neck and almost knocking me off the bench.

“River, oh River is it really you? Is it? I missed you. I missed you so much. They said... they said that you didn’t care, didn’t want to speak to me anymore. They said that you were a bad man and were better off out of our lives. I never believed them River. I never forgot, never stopped believing in you. I wanted you soooo much but they wouldn’t let me. They wouldn’t let me call you or come and see you. I tried to ring from my mobile but they deleted all the numbers and I couldn’t find one anywhere. It hurt River; I hurt. I know you had to go but I didn’t understand, not then. I was only a kid and I missed you so much, but they wouldn’t even let me talk about you.”

“They? Mam and Dad?”

“No... They didn’t say anything, really. It was Aunt Sophy and Uncle Ray. They were there all the time. I think Mam and Dad were scared of them. They scared me. I didn’t really understand what they were saying but I know it was bad. In the beginning Mam and Dad wanted to ask you to come home but Aunt Sophy kept telling her that it would be bad for me; that you would turn me into a bad person like you are.”

“Well they won’t be around any more hun. You’re going to come home with me now. You’re going to live with me and Silver and...”

“Silver?”

“My boyfriend.”

Ben releases my neck and sits back looking at me thoughtfully with his head tilted to one side. “That’s why they were so angry with you. They said that you are evil because you like boys. They said that God hates you and if Mam and Dad let you come home you would make me bad like you and God would hate me too.”

“What do you think?”

He looks at me quietly for a few minutes then he grins. “I think they were blowing it out their ass.”

“Benjamin Caulfield. If you are going to live with me then there will be less of that kind of language please.” His eyes widen and he opens his mouth to speak. “If you are going to swear, at least swear in English and not American.”

Ben giggles and I climb up on the bed to hug him. He seems so small. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay. I hurt a bit but it’s okay.”

“Was it terrible?”

“No I... I was asleep. I didn’t... I... There was a big bang and the car went spinning round and round and then it all went quiet. I was trapped and I couldn’t get out. I kept calling for Mam and Dad but they didn’t answer. Then people came and took me away and I wanted to see Mam and Dad but they wouldn’t let me and then I was here.

“The man... the doctor he told me... he said that... that...”

He’s so like me in many ways, my baby brother. He can’t say it. He doesn’t want to make it real. But it won’t do him any good to hold it in, not right now. I know full well that if I speak the words then I won’t be able to hold it either but he’s worth it.

“They’re gone Ben. Mam and Dad are gone forever. They’re dead.”

We both start to cry and hold each other sobbing.