Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 24. Chapter 24 - The Dance

I am not nervous. I have never been nervous when I perform. I know that all the others are there because I saw them. Ariel helped me dress and then led me down a set of back steps to the side of the stage. We arrive just in time to see Lewis dance. He is nervous I can tell. It’s there in the slight hesitations, the almost missed steps, the nearly stumbles and the occasional trembling when he holds position.

He’s pretty good though. In fact, for an amateur he’s very good. The audience seem to like him as there is thunderous applause when he finishes and he is grinning as he takes his bow and then moves cat like across the stage, towards us. He sweeps past without a glance but I know he hasn’t gone back upstairs. He is as curious about me as the rest of them and he would no more miss me dance, than he would admit to the desire for it.

Suki is sweet. His dance is more of a martial arts workout. It is similar in form but very different in content to my own workouts. He is very good. He flows easily from one movement into the next. His poise and posture are flawless and he is an excellent gymnast. He wears black Gi trousers and his body gleams. It has obviously been oiled. He is small built but perfectly proportioned. He is very different from Lewis but, in my opinion a good deal better.

However, my opinion does not seem to be shared by the audience. They clearly prefer Lewis’ erotic promise to Suki’s polished grace and precision. I smile to myself. They are going to love me.

Peeping through the curtains I take my first look at the crowd. They are typical of the usual kind of people who frequent this kind of place. The desperate, the bored, the unfulfilled and the curious. I scan their faces and pick out a man who sits on a table with three others, near the front. He is good looking, well dressed and relaxed. I smile. Tonight, I will dance for him and, within the week he will be paying Tony a great deal of money to share my bed.

Suki finishes his routine to half hearted applause. He smiles and bows then bounces over to us. As he passes he grips my arm, his face alight. It is clear to see that he dances for the pleasure it gives him and no one else. That shows in his style and performance, in part it is what makes it so much better than Lewis’.

“Good luck Matthew. You look amazing. I know you are going to make cum in their pants. We’ll be watching. You know that don’t you. We’ll all be watching. We’re rooting for you tonight.”

His words make me feel warm and I smile at him with all that warmth in my eyes. He swallows, smiles faintly and stumbles away. I grin. Some people think that my smiles are innocent but I know full well, the effect they have. Sometimes they just come out, like that one, but mostly I know exactly what I’m doing. I have never been as innocent as River thought... NO. I will not think of River, especially not now.

Ariel, squeezing my arm brings me back to myself. “Are you ready?” He whispers. I smile and nod. “We’ll all be here, watching and supporting you. Well except for Lewis and Asher.” He grins at my surprised look. I would have thought that Lewis would have been in the front of the queue. He is desperate to judge the competition and is about to find that there is none. “Lewis will watch alright but he won’t be supporting you. He will be praying for you to fail.”

I smile... pretty much what I expected. “And Asher?” I say carefully.

“Asher never comes down here when he isn’t dancing. He’s never watched any of us.”

“Oh.”

I don’t have a chance to say any more because Tony is beckoning me onto the stage and the dance fever takes hold of me.

How can I describe how I feel when I am dancing? It is something that I have been trained to do for as long as I can remember. It’s what I do and in many ways, it is who I am. I am never so fully alive as I am when I dance. I don’t have to think about my movements, about my steps, I don’t think about anything. The dance is not something I do, it is something I live.

I fix my eyes on the man I picked out earlier. I always pick out someone. Some dancers fix a spot on a wall or a table. I always fix a face. It is necessary to have some fixed place to concentrate on, to keep coming back to. It stops you getting dizzy.

I have been told my dancing makes the watchers dizzy but it never has that effect on me. There is a pole on the stage and I make use of it, but only occasionally. I have not had so much space to dance in, for a long time and I make full use of it, stretching myself, testing my limits. I am not as flexible as I was, nor so fluid but my strength is back and the exercising I have been doing lately has helped a lot.

On the whole I am pleased with myself. I didn’t even stick to a particular dance. This happens sometimes. I plan on what dance I am going to perform but when the fever takes me, I follow something more powerful than my intent. Tonight I have abandoned any attempt to stick to a particular dance or even the same steps or form. Tonight I am not dancing for anyone else but me. This is a test for me, a celebration, a release.

I have no idea how long I dance for. I seems at the same time hours and but a moment. I am sweating from the exertion and the lights but not out of breath or particularly tired. Eventually the dance ends and I stop.

I unfold from the position I had ended in and stand. For a moment there is complete silence. I look into the audience and see utter shock on most of the faces, including ‘my’ man. And then suddenly the whole room erupts. I am taken aback by the response and, frankly, a little scared. I look around for support and I see something that surprises, no shocks me.

At first I think it is River and I almost fall to the ground, my legs turning weak. But it isn’t River. Of course it isn’t River. Asher stares at me for a moment, a strange, calculating look on his face. Then he smiles brightly, turns and disappears into the crowd. Moments later, Tony’s arm is thrown around my shoulder and he gently steers me to the side of the stage, where he hands me over to Ariel. I feel shaken and stunned. Not by the response of the crowd. Yes, it scared me but I knew I would be alright. It was seeing Asher, and not even that... it was that split second when I had thought it was River.

They are all there. Lewis gives me a look of pure poison and vanishes. But the others surround me, all talking at once, touching me, hugging me. I am still feeling dazed when Tony appears and drags me into a one armed bear hug.

“Matthew, that was incredible. I know I made the right decision. You are going to be a huge asset to this club. You are part of the family now. Anything you want... anything... you just have to ask.” And then he is gone, back out into the fray. The noise is subsiding, although I am barely aware of it, as the noise inside my head isn’t.

I endure the attention of the others but endure it is. I want nothing more than to take a shower, collapse on my bed and sleep.

Again Ariel seems to read my mind and he takes my hand, drawing me away from the others, from the noise, towards the stairs. I climb the stairs in a daze. It is cool and quiet and I begin to relax.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. Dancing always makes me a little strange.”

“I’m not surprised. You know when I told you that I thought you might be even better than Asher.”

“Yes.”

“It’s like comparing the best full bodied red wine to vintage champagne. The wine is so good, the best... but the champagne is in a completely different category. I have never, ever seen anyone who comes close to what I just saw. It was as if you weren’t even human. There were times when I couldn’t even follow your body parts and know where they all fit. It was like music, like art, like poetry.”

“It was just a dance.”

“That was so not just a dance.” He giggles. “Lewis is going to hate you, you know. Asher probably will too.”

I remember the face in the crowd; the look, the smile. “No. Asher won’t hate me.”

“How do you know?” He asks curiously.

“He was there tonight. He understood.”

“He was there? Watching you?”

“Yes.”

“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.” Ariel sounds a little wistful. “I saw the way he looked at you. I have never seen him look at anyone else like that.”

I hear the tightness in his words. I know what it means.

“Are you in love with him?”

“What?” He looks shocked, startled by my words.

“Asher. Are you in love with him? If you are, I won’t stand in your way.”

He gives me a strange look, shocked and sad at the same time. Then he smiles, just a little sad smile, and he shakes his head. “No. Not him.” That doesn’t make sense to me but before I can ask him about it he turns and disappears up the stairs to the dormitory. I consider going after him, and I would have, if I hadn’t heard the others coming up the stairs and fled into my room.

I smile to myself. Ariel has spread the cosmetics and small personal items carefully on the dressing table. I sit down and look at myself in the mirror. I can’t help the stupid grin that spreads across my face. For the first time in almost a year it’s me who looks back. I hadn’t realised how much of myself I had lost, until it came back. There is a life in the eyes that stare back from the pale face, that hasn’t been there for the longest time.

The thought strikes me that River will never see it. He will never see that light. It just wasn’t there when he was. He only ever saw a part of me. He wouldn’t have liked what he saw, if he had seen it all. He tried so hard to bring out the best in me but he never realised that it isn’t there. This is what I am. This is what I have always been. Without this I was empty on the inside. Without this I was only half a person. Without this... there was only ever half a life. And I didn’t realise it. I didn’t want to realise it. I knew that if I had I would not have been able to stay with River and that is what I wanted more than anything.

The mirror me is crying. It surprises me. I hadn’t realised that I was crying. The cosmetics are running down my face. I reach out and pluck a face wipe from the box supplied by Ariel. Maybe I scrub too hard because it makes the tears flow faster.

Where is River now? What’s he doing? Is he thinking of me? Is he missing me? I hope so but think not. He has Ben now. Ben is clean and pure and sweet. He’s not spoiled like I am. River can love him with all his heart and Ben will love him back with all his heart. There will be nothing held back, nothing rotten at the core. He is better off without me. But still...

I drop the wipe onto the table and curl over it as there is a pain in my chest. It stabs at me and it scares me. What’s happening to me? Am I ill? I manage to get off the seat and stagger to the bed but the pain in unbearable. Gritting my teeth I grab a pillow and hug it like a person, close to my body. I am flooded by wave after wave of intense pain and every wave that rips through me brings more tears and sobs that are torn from my lips like the moans of a wild animal in pain.

By now I have realised that the pain is not physical, at least it doesn’t come from a physical source. It is emotional pain, pain pure and simple. I miss River. I love him.

No, no I mustn’t think of him. I must be strong. This is my new life. This is what I want, what I have always wanted. This is the place where I can truly be me, where I can be all that I am and not be ashamed. This is my home and there is no place for him here. It’s for the best. It’s the right thing. I would only hurt him if I stayed with him. He would suffer because of what I am. Maybe he would lose Ben because they, and I am not really sure who they are but I know they wouldn’t let Ben stay with River as long as he was with me. I am a bad person and I agree, that it is not right for a child to be living with someone like me.

And if I can’t live with River then I can’t be with River. I can’t just see him sometimes. I can’t live with Sam and just see River when he remembers to come. I can’t stay with Sam forever and I have nowhere else to go. It’s all or nothing and if I can’t have all, then this is the right thing to do. It’s best for both of us.

This is a new beginning for me. It’s a new life. A new day. A new opportunity. But... but if... if it is a new beginning... then why does it feel so much like an ending?

I am so lost in sorrow that I don’t hear the door open. I don’t hear it close. I don’t hear the soft footfalls. I know nothing until I feel the bed dip and the gentle hand on my shoulder. I lie perfectly still, my body still shaking with sobs as the hand strokes my hair and back. Ariel has such soft hands, so gentle. He is a good friend.

Gradually the now asserts itself and the then fades. It is quite a struggle to get myself back under control because the image of River’s face is there in front of my face in perfect detail so that I can almost reach out and touch it. I so want to... I so... but... but I can’t... I can’t ever... I moan. I can’t help it, it just comes.

Ariel takes me in his arms and holds me so close I can hear his heart beat. The storm is passing and I am beginning to feel calm again... tired but calm. For a while I just lie in his arms, letting the pounding in my head subside as I listen to the steady beat of his heart. He is stronger than he looks. He seems so fragile but he’s not. Like me, I think and smile. Like I used to be.

I am going to have to move sooner or later but it is so nice here. It is so nice to have arms around me again, to have someone’s cheek resting on my hair, a warm hand on my back, a broad chest to rest my head on.

Smiling I murmur. “Thanks Ariel. I really needed that. You’re a good friend.”

I lift my head and freeze. It isn’t Ariel.

“I know.” He whispers and lays his hand against my cheek. “Sometimes I cry too.”

I can’t say anything. It had to be him. Of course it did. Of course it had to be him. Hurriedly I pull myself out of his arms and sit up, with my back against the wall. He is dressed casually in black jeans and a crumpled white shirt which is completely open showing off his perfect chest. One of his nipples is pierced, I didn’t notice that before.

He smiles sadly and bows his head, the glorious tumble of chestnut silk falling forwards to shut him away.

“That won’t work you know.”

Surprised he lifts his head and looks at me with a question in his eyes.

“Hiding behind your hair like that. It won’t work. I did it for too long myself. My hair used to be a lot longer than yours.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“I know you.” His words cut through me and literally take my breath away.

“You... you do?”

“Everyone who used to be as we were knows you, Silver. You’re a legend.”

“Fuck!”

My name on his lips sounds like music but it still slams into me like a fist. He smiles and reaches out his hand to tuck my hair behind my ear. I flinch. I don’t know why I am so scared. It’s not as if it makes any difference. Tony won’t care, Ariel already knows and as for the rest... they don’t matter. So why...?

“It’s alright. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Tell...? I... it doesn’t make any difference if you do. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s not so much different to what I’m doing now.”

Asher raises an eyebrow. “I think you’ll find that it is.”

“Maybe. But it’s not that. I... I don’t really know what it is, why it was such a shock.”

Asher turns to sit next to me leaning, as I am, against the wall. He doesn’t look at me when he speaks. “I don’t know how it is for you but... who I was then, doesn’t exist any more. I left him behind with the collar and the chains. He’s gone, dead, with the whole of that part of my life. That’s why I was so shocked when I saw you. It was like... like seeing a ghost.”

I smile. “Yeah. When you said my name it was like a body blow, even though I didn’t quite leave Silver behind.”

“You didn’t?”

“No. He just... changed into something I wasn't meant to be. I... I suppose he’s dead now too. This is my new start.”

“You must be fucking desperate.”

“I suppose I am. I thought I could get away from what I was. I thought I could be someone different, someone who was whole and free and...” A sigh escapes me as I think of how hard I tried and how little I understood what I was trying to achieve. “I fell in love and I wanted to be whatever he wanted me to be and I... I couldn’t... because he wanted me to be something I wasn’t... that I’m not.”

Asher sighs and there is a pause before he speaks. “I was scared of everything. The sky, the sea, people... oh god I was scared of people. I tried to stay away from them, hiding whenever I could. I stayed in the countryside as much as possible, avoiding them. I stole from farmhouses and fields to survive. I don’t know how many times I almost died.

“Tony found me in a hedge. Whatever he seems, he cares about people. He hauled me out and took me home with him. Not here. He has a house in the country. He likes to go there to get away from the city, from all this. I was raving with fever and he took me in and cared for me until I was well. As soon as I was well enough, that means... as soon as I was able to understand what was going on... I tried to repay him in the only way I knew how.

“At first he resisted but I was persistent. When he realised what I was, what I could do, he stepped back completely. He wouldn’t let me touch him. I thought that it was because I had done something wrong. I thought... I thought he hated me, was repulsed by me because I had lost a lot of condition, and I thought I was ugly and worthless.

“I lost hope and I would have died if it hadn’t been for him. He nursed me, day by day. He fed me, bathed me, made me get out of bed and sit in the sunshine. When I started to get better he took me for walks in the countryside, longer and longer and then he had me doing jobs around the house. Gradually I got stronger and then I started to want to dance again. He would come back to the city, sometimes for weeks at a time and while he was gone I would spend every spare minute dancing... in the house, in the fields, in a barn nearby.

“One day he came home unexpectedly and must have stood watching me for an hour. When I stopped and noticed him, he just smiled and took my hand, leading me inside. I thought he was going to... I thought that we were going to... but he didn’t. He promised me that he would never ask me where I came from or anything about my past. He told me about this place and asked me if I wanted to join ‘his boys’. He always calls us ‘his boys’.

“At first I was hurt because I wanted him to want me... just me. I realised soon enough that wasn’t going to happen. When I came back here with him it felt like home... but it was still... He’s told me from the very first that I don’t have to do anything but dance. He’s told me that one day, when he retires to that house in the country all this will be mine. But it’s not enough. I take men... now and again. It’s not for the money... it’s just to... just to... feel...”

He falters and when I turn my head I see tears rolling down his face. I reach out and take his hand, dragging it down to rest on the bed between us, linking our fingers. He looks down at it, his face dazed.

“How did you get away?”

“Away?”

“From your Master?”

“Oh. I ran away.”

“Ran away? Are you on the run?”

He shakes his head. “I was. I ran for six months and then I stopped. I didn’t want to run any more. I didn’t want to live any more. I didn’t care if they killed me, or took me back or both. But then, when they came for me I found that I didn’t want to die after all. I fought like hell and I killed two of them. The rest took me back. There was a meeting, some kind of counsel to decide what to do with me and it turned out that I had so impressed my Master, and others, with the way I fought that they decided I had brought pride and not shame to my Master and so he freed me.

“I was blindfolded and chained. They drove me out into the middle of nowhere. Then they took off the chains and blindfold, threw me out of the car, and drove away. I haven’t seen anyone from that life ever since... until now.”

“At least you were alive when they threw you out of the car. They thought I was dead.”

He looks sharply at me, his eyes roaming over me. He leans over so that he does not have to let go of my hand to trace my scars.

“Is that how you got these?”

“No. They thought I was dead but I wasn't. I was in a coma for a few months and then in hospital for a long time. When I came out I was hiding, from them, from what had happened to me... from the world I suppose. I... I met someone who helped me find my way back but... They were waiting. They took us both and they would have killed me... they tried to kill me... but he saved me again. He brought me back again. My Master came to the same conclusion as yours. He decided that as I kept failing to die I had brought pride and not shame to him and he freed me. That didn’t go down so well in some quarters and there was another attempt on my life... and River saved me yet again. And then...”

Asher raises his hand to touch the tears that were running down my face again. “You love him.”

It isn’t a question but I answer anyway. “Yes.”

“Then why did you leave him?”

“I didn’t. He left me.”

“Ah. I see.”

“I don’t know if you do. I don’t know if I do. I tried really, really hard to be what he wanted me to be. In the beginning it was easy. He was there and he made me feel safe, loved. It was hard to be ‘normal’. I was scared of everything and I... I felt as if something was slipping away from me. He wouldn’t let me... be me. It wasn't because he didn’t love me. It was because he did.

“And then... then his parents died and his... his brother came to live with us. He’s a great little boy but... They wouldn’t let me stay because of what I was... what I am. They said I was dangerous and... He couldn’t choose. I know it was right. I know it was right for him to choose his brother but... It hurt me. It hurt me so much I felt that I was being torn apart.

“He told me he still loves me. He told me that he would always love me but... But he couldn’t be with me and... It was only bearable because he was there. I could only do it when he was holding me. When he left it all fell apart. I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be any more. I lost my hold on what I was turning into, and I couldn’t find the person I had been. I didn’t know where I was, who I was.

“And then... then we had this huge row. He told me that he was fed up of walking on eggshells with me, that he wished I was normal... I knew then that it would never work. I am too different. I’m a slave. I will always be a slave. Maybe I don’t have chains on my wrists any more but I do in here.” I lay my hand over my heart and I feel it thump dully, the pain more muted now.

“I know what you mean. Before I came here I felt the same. When Tony found me I was waiting to die. I was too tired to go on, to keep trying to fit into a world I didn’t understand, that didn’t want. It was too hard so I wanted out. Tony taught me that there is room in this world for everyone. Everyone fits somewhere and the trick is not to try to squeeze yourself into holes that are not made to fit you, but just to find the ones that are.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You were a slave for a long time. I was eleven when I was taken.”

“Twelve.” I whisper. Asher smiles.

“As we grew up it was all the life we knew. The chains they put on us weren’t just on the outside. Those we can unlock easily enough. It’s the ones on the inside that are hard. I couldn’t unlock mine. I couldn’t live out there in the world with those chains on me. The Tony found me and I found this place. This is the Asher shaped hole that I looked for, for so long. This is my place, my niche, my home. Maybe it will be yours too. Or maybe not.”

He is looking at me in a strange way. I don’t understand what he is trying to say. “I don’t...”

“No. Not yet. But you will. This is not what you think it is. This place. This is a hole that is right for me but I’m not so sure about you. You were... protected Silver. Everyone knew you. Everyone wanted you and because of that you were protected. You don’t know it but you were lucky. It was... different elsewhere and it’s different here.

“You’ve been loved. Maybe you weren’t ready for it, or it wasn’t right for you...at the time, but I can see it in your eyes. You love this man, and you know that he loves you. Don’t give up on that. Hold on to it because... I think... I don’t think that you realise quite what you’ve got yourself into here. You think it’s the same. You think you know what’s going on. You think you’re safe. You think you’re home... but you’re not.”

I start to feel frightened. I don’t understand what he’s saying but it’s sending shivers down my back. Asher smiles suddenly and I know why people seem dazed when I hit them with mine. He strokes my cheek. “Don’t worry Silver. I will protect you as much as I can, for as long as I can. Use this time to find yourself. Not the person you used to be. And not the person you tried to be. Find the person you are... the one that lives inside, who has always lived inside... without any chains.”

“I... I’ll try.”