Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 34. Chapter 34 - Lost and Found

RIVER

I haven’t been feeling myself lately. Nothing feels right. I go through the motions for Ben but he is as heartbroken as I am and most of the time we are supporting each other. As with most children he has bounced back more easily than I have and he is spending more and more time with Jake over at Sam’s. I feel bad about it but there’s nothing I can do. I am numb.

Everything is dark and everything feels wrong. I never realised how much Silver lights up my life. I am exhausted. Sam and I have done everything we possibly could have, to find him. We have searched, physically and through whatever means either of us can think of.

At first I was terrified that he would turn up dead in a hospital or morgue somewhere. I couldn’t shake the feeling that he just couldn’t survive out there alone without me to take care of him. It was Sam who made me realise that I was doing him a disservice in that.

I had been so busy resenting Silver for needing me it never crossed my mind that perhaps he didn’t, not as much as I’d thought, not as much as I need him. Sam made me sit down and think about everything we’ve been through, everything he has achieved... and everything he could have achieved.

The things he’d told me, about what was likely to have happened to Silver when he was first taken, had shocked the hell out of me and rocked the foundations of my world. To think of my beautiful Silver suffering like that... okay I had known it before, of course I had but the vague concept is so very different than the harsh reality. Not even what I had seen him suffer at Faith’s hands could have prepared me for that.

In the days that followed it haunted me, tormented me in dreams and turned my stomach a hundred times a day. He had suffered all of that and still he was prepared to suffer for me. Not only that but afterwards he had put his trust in me absolutely and I had let him down. I can't believe how badly I let him down. Even after Sam told, I had still pushed it aside, not willing to face what it meant and what the fact of my continued failure meant.

Oh yes, I let him down, I let him down in every way imaginable. Not just at the end, when I chose Ben instead of him, and I understand now how much of a betrayal that was, but all the time.

I should have been helping him to become strong and independent, but I hadn’t. I had held him too close. The reason he relied on me so much, clung to me so tightly was because I had not only allowed him to but actively encouraged him to. I should have taken him out into the world and not helped him to shut himself away from it. The truth is that, right up until the shit hit the fan, it had suited me to have him entirely dependant on me. I wanted him to myself. I wanted to be the only man in his life. Isn’t that what had happened with Sandi in the park?

I started to realise that I had done Silver an enormous disservice. I had made him weak when I should have made him strong. My selfishness had held him too close and then grown bitter and punished him because he couldn’t let go. I had driven him away for nothing more than making me face what I’d done. I hadn’t known it at the time but that was exactly what he’d done. He’d tried to stand on his own feet, to stand up to me, and I had punished him for it. Goddamit, I had hit him.

I was tormented by the image of his face; the look in his eyes, the blood on his lips in the moment before he ran. I swung from believing that it was a look of love and loss, to being certain that it was a look of hate and disgust. I wouldn’t have blamed him for a moment, if it had been the latter.

As the days passed I began to lose hope. My heart still leaped every time the phone rang, I still looked up every time a door opened or a shadow passed across the window but in between I grew dull and hopeless. My cold bed stopped smelling of him. The paint dried on the palettes and I threw them away when I couldn’t clean them. I stacked the paintings in the corner facing the wall. It seemed to me that their eyes were watching me, accusing... and with good cause.

I didn’t know what to tell Social Services and so I told them nothing. I think that Sam told the CPN that he had gone to visit family. It wasn’t a lie... he might well have, although I had contacted his mother the first day. She was as worried as I was and had promised to contact me straight away if he went there. That’s not to say he didn’t, I suppose. She would have honoured his wishes if he had asked her not to tell me. But I have come to know Silver’s family now. They are no better liars than he is; I would have known.

The Social Worker is coming tomorrow morning. She has given strong indications that she wants to speak to Silver and I don’t know how much longer I can put her off. And then there’s that psychological assessment. The letter came just after he left and it’s now only a couple of days away. Should I cancel it? Should I tell them...? But if I do, then it makes it real, it means that he isn’t going to come back and I’m not ready to face that yet.

It’s almost one in the morning when the phone rings and I am fast asleep. I am confused and surprised to hear Sam’s voice. I know he’s working, so why would he be calling me? Suddenly I am wide awake. Sam, working, middle of the night... can’t be good.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

Never one to beat about the bush he says simply in a low, urgent voice. “I’m at the hospital. Silver’s here.”

“At the hospital? What happened? What’s wrong with him? Is he...” My heart is pounding in my chest so I can hardly hear what Sam is saying and I realise that I have got to my feet.

“Nothing, there’s nothing wrong with him; at least I don’t think so. He seems to be here for someone else.”

“Someone else?” The thought confuses me. Who else? Who does Silver know that he might be at the hospital with? Why was he there; in all that chaos, all those people? “Sam, is he okay? Is he scared?”

“I don’t know, River. I came in here ‘on business’ and I happened to look up and spot him in the waiting room. It was pure chance. He’s... changed. I almost didn’t recognise him.”

“Changed?”

“You’ll see. Get down here as fast as you can.”

“But Ben; Ben’s fast asleep and the Social Worker is coming first thing in the morning. I can’t...”

“He’s right here; right now, River, and in another minute maybe he won’t be. Do we really have to go through this all over again? You’ve been searching for him for days, driving yourself insane with worry, thinking you will never see him again, and now here he is. Who knows how long he will be here and if he walks away this time maybe you won’t see him again. He seems very close to these people, River.”

Close? What does that mean? How? “But I... Can’t you...?”

“I could, River, but I won’t. I think Silver deserves better than that. I won't stand by and see him hurt again. If you can’t put him first this time, can’t make room in your life for him, then frankly you don’t deserve him.” The flash of anger is brief and quickly replaced by shame.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I’ll be there as fast as I can. To hell with the social workers; to hell with it all. You’re right. You’ve always been right. Don’t let him go. Please don’t let him go.”

Ben is frightened and disoriented when I wake him. I have already rung Hester and she is only too pleased to tell me to bring him straight over.

“River? What’s wrong? Is someone sick?”

“No. Sam’s found Silver and I have to go and get him.”

“Silver? Silver’s coming home.”

“I hope so, Ben. Now get dressed. I’ll get a bag together.”

I stuff clothes into a bag as Ben gets dressed. There is an excitement in the air, like Christmas Eve. We’re giggling and bantering quietly, as we hop skip and drop things.

Finally we are speeding along the roads to Sam’s house and Ben is chatting ten to the dozen about all the things he is going to do with Silver when he comes home.

“Maybe we should see what happens first. We don’t know how Silver is. Maybe he won’t feel like it.”

“Is he sick?”

“I don’t think so but he might be sad.”

“Oh.” He says seriously. “I didn’t think of that.”

Hester was waiting in the kitchen in her nightdress. She hugs Ben and then gives me a quick, one armed hug. “Go get your man, River. And this time don’t let him go. Don’t worry about Ben he’s fine here with us... and not just for tonight.”

“I don’t...”

“River... don’t screw this up.”

This was such an un-Hesterlike thing to say, that all I can do is smile as she scoots me out the door.

At the hospital I spot Sam straight away and hurry over to him. My heart is beating fast again but this time not with fear. I can hardly bear the anticipation. Soon... soon. He motions with his head and I turn to scan the crowd. There are a lot of people here. I worry how he is coping with it.

I don’t see him. How can I not see him? How...? Holy shit!! My eyes catch and are held by this... creature, this incredible being, who rises from his seat as everyone else simply melts away.

‘He’s changed’ Sam had said. What a woefully inadequate way to describe the transformation which has come over him. He seems taller but just as slender, just as graceful. Is it possible for someone to grow that much in such a short time? Then I realise that it’s not that he has grown in height. He has just – grown. The red hair and dark clothes are a bit of a shock but I can’t say they don’t suit him. He’s like something from a movie and I can’t decide if it’s a vampire horror or a fantasy. There has always been something fey and ephemeral about Silver but now it has a harder edge; darker and yet...

His eyes are the same though: even from this distance I can see that, and he is just as beautiful. Gods he is even more beautiful. He is much... more.

The most startling thing of all is the confidence he exudes. He stands erect – maybe that’s why he looks taller, and he seems oblivious of the crowd around him, even though every single eye is on him. I can’t blame them because he is the only thing that is clear to me, in a world of bland colours and blurred images, moving in slow motion.

What should I do? Should I run to him? Should I wait for him to come to me? I am suddenly so very scared. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I drive him away forever?

I take a half step forward, uncertain... but suddenly he is flying, his wild hair a flaming halo around his head and I am engulfed by him. He feels different but at the same time just the same. His clothes smell new but the scent of Silver comes through and makes my pupils dilate.

He is crying, sobbing and so am I. It’s not until this moment, that I realise just how much I have missed him, how afraid I have been that I would never see him again.

When my heart begins to slow, I pull away slightly and Silver lifts his face to kiss me. At first it is hesitant and then more demanding. I am lost in the kiss when he suddenly breaks away and looks into my eyes with a burning gaze.

I realise with some surprise that he is wearing heavy cosmetics which are clearly not waterproof. He takes my face between his hands and smiles with a confidence I have never seen in him before. It suits him better than the cosmetics do.

“I love you, River. I don’t know if I did before, not really; whether what I felt for you was really love or... something else. But I know now. I know for sure. I love you. Completely.”

I am overwhelmed. He is saying what I am feeling and I hug him fiercely. “I know. I love you too.” Fiercely, eternally, completely. Now we are crying again, tears more healing than any I have ever shed before.

Finally Silver pulls away still oblivious to the stares and catcalls we are attracting. He takes me by the hand.

“Come and meet my friends.”

“I...er...” But before I can say another word he is towing me through the sea of curious faces.

The man and boy look up. Both are closed, wary; looks I have seen before. But the boy, a faery like waif, with long white hair and beautiful eyes, melts almost immediately.

“I know you. You’re River. I know by the way he’s looking at you.” He juts his chin and glares at me in a way that from someone who seems to be about fourteen years old, should be amusing but isn’t. “You hurt him. You hurt him a lot.” His voice is accusatory and I suppose I deserve it. Then his eyes harden even more and I quickly revise my estimation of his age. “If you hurt him again I will tear out your heart.” I believe him.

Silver sits down and puts his arms around the boy who buries his face in Silver’s hair, holding him gently and crying softly.

“I knew you were going to leave, Silver. I’ve always known you wouldn’t stay long. And I knew you would go back to him. I know you don’t love me, you never have, never could, but... please don’t leave me, not now.”

Silver looks up at me, the expression in his eyes making me take a step back. “You know I love you, Ariel. I always have and I always will; from the moment I first met you when you melted out of the shadows and I thought you were a wraith.Tony told me you are a witch and would make me fall in love with you... and you did. I will love you always. You’re part of my heart now. I will never forget you, any of you and I will never leave you behind.

“I will come back often, I promise. I never abandon my friends but...” This time when he looks up at me his eyes are softer. “You’re not my home, Ariel. River is my home. Ash knew that. He knew I was leaving. I didn’t tell him but he knew. I wouldn’t have left him behind either but now... now I have to. Tony will look after you, Ariel; he will look after all of you, better than before. He will make sure no one ever hurts you again.” He looks up at the man with the coldest look I have ever seen in his eyes. “Won't you Tony?”

The man, Tony starts and almost shrinks away from him, but then nods seriously. “Of course I will Silver, it’s the least I can do. It’s the least I can do. What he... what Ash would have... what he would have done. He was always better than me.”

Silver ignores his obvious distress and turns back to Ariel. “You can come and visit whenever you like.” He flashes a look at me that makes me nod without thinking.

“But Ash... You can't.., you can't leave Ash... He...”

Ariel still has his arms around him, his face buried in his shoulder. Very, very gently Silver disengages him and makes him look into his face. “Ariel; Ash is dead. He’s gone. He isn’t there any more. It makes no difference to him whether I stay or whether I go.” I find myself wondering who the hell Ash is... or was. The growling in my stomach has nothing to do with hunger.

“Except that it does make a difference, Ariel. You were there. You heard what he said. You heard me promise.”

“But I can’t survive Silver, not without both of you. I’ll die, I know I will.”

Silver laughs softly. “No you won’t. You’re a survivor and you know it.”

“But...”

“Ariel, you know I love you; I love you all but... It’s time for me to go home now.”

“I thought we were your home.”

“You were – for a while. You were my home, my sanctuary when I needed it most. But it was never going to be forever. There were things I needed to learn and I learned them... from Tony, from Alex, Suki.” He gives a little ironic laugh. “Even from Liam. But most of all from you... and Ash.

“I’ll never forget the day you took me shopping. The way you made me go and talk to those people, bought me all these nice things. In many ways that was the day I... the real me, was born.” The real me? “And I’ll never forget how angry and protective I felt the night you were attacked. There are a lot of things I will never forget.”

“Ash.” Ariel says lowering his head and letting the tears drip on the leather of Silver’s trousers where they form little pools. Silver nods sharply, unable to speak and again I feel the stab of... jealousy. I may as well face it, I was jealous of these people whom Silver has grown so close to so quickly, who have given him what I could never give him. I am going to have to find out more about Ash.

Silver lowers his head, twisting the new ring he is wearing on his left hand round and round his finger. “I’m sorry Ariel, I have to go. But I promise I will come back.” He flashes an almost flirtatious look at the man. “Who knows, maybe I will dance for you again.”

“You will come to the funeral won’t you?” The man asks.

Silver hesitates for a moment then nods shortly. “Of course I will.”

“I’m sorry Silver. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t. Please Tony, don’t. What’s done is done and can’t be undone.”

Silver gives Ariel a warm hug then stands and, taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders he smiles at me. “I’m ready to go now, River.”

He puts his arm around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder like he always used to and as we walk away, he never once looks back.