Cailen's Poem Archive - 13. Chapter 13: Ready to fly

Hey Cailen, Nice poem and very moving too. I know all whats behind it so :hugs:

Hey Cailean. This seems to be a pretty intense emotional experience for you. Pretty heartfelt. It seems to convey very contradictory emotions. Perhaps even an uncertainty about what you want out of this proposition. Was that your intent?

If so, it might he useful to try to concretise that a little more, but still staying on the metaphoric side of language.

The imagery in the second stanza is a bit confusing. 'Guided' ... gilded? The spelling with a 'u' is a different thing. Anyway, this image doesn't seem to resolve. My sense is that you are trying to imply a protective cage.

That would resolve into the next line. But then in your cage, which is strong and true, the world comes crashing down on you. Now, as I said above, it may be that these contradictiions are intentional, in which case perhaps they need a bit more illuminating, somehow. On the other hand, I might just be a blind bugger!

For all that the third stanza has a similar problem of contradictions, I can seeohiw they might work, and this is a really nice stanza. I also like the way you have repeated it as stanza five, kind of like a refrain, but also as a period, marking a position. Its implied lack of resolution is neat, too.

On 06/28/2011 06:03 AM, Dannsar said:

Hey Cailean. This seems to be a pretty intense emotional experience for you. Pretty heartfelt. It seems to convey very contradictory emotions. Perhaps even an uncertainty about what you want out of this proposition. Was that your intent?

 

If so, it might he useful to try to concretise that a little more, but still staying on the metaphoric side of language.

 

The imagery in the second stanza is a bit confusing. 'Guided' ... gilded? The spelling with a 'u' is a different thing. Anyway, this image doesn't seem to resolve. My sense is that you are trying to imply a protective cage.

 

That would resolve into the next line. But then in your cage, which is strong and true, the world comes crashing down on you. Now, as I said above, it may be that these contradictiions are intentional, in which case perhaps they need a bit more illuminating, somehow. On the other hand, I might just be a blind bugger!

 

For all that the third stanza has a similar problem of contradictions, I can seeohiw they might work, and this is a really nice stanza. I also like the way you have repeated it as stanza five, kind of like a refrain, but also as a period, marking a position. Its implied lack of resolution is neat, too.