Always, Tad! - 1. Chapter 1

Mickey had been in the middle of making of dinner for the two of them when Tad came into the kitchen. They had spent the whole of Saturday morning rearranging the furniture. Tad was supposed to be getting the living room ready for the Christmas tree they were going to go out and buy later. Instead he came up and wrapped his arms around Mickey and kissed his neck.

“So stop cooking for a minute and talk to me. I have something important to ask you.”

Mickey turned and faced Tad. He really just wanted to get things straightened out and dinner done so they could go get the tree tonight. Things had been so busy lately and he really just needed some down time. Tad took a step back and his hand slipped into his pants pocket.

“Alright you have my attention. What was so important that you couldn’t wait till I was done with dinner?”

Tad looked hurt for a moment. Then he smiled, and dropped to one knee.

“I wanted to do this properly.”

“Do what? Get up off the floor.” Mickey’s attention was already refocused as he spotted his spice rack on the counter.

“Will you marry me, Mickey Daniels?”

“What? Knock it off. We have things to get done.” Mickey was already moving to grab some spices for the sauce on the heat. “We’ll eat and then go down to get the tree. I hope they are wrong about the snow tonight. I’d hate to drag a wet tree in here.”

Tad stood up slowly. Mickey had turned back to the stove and was stirring the macaroni he was making for dinner.

“Mickey, did you hear what I said?”

“What?”

Tad grabbed him and turned him around.

“I just asked you to marry me!”

Mickey looked blankly for a moment at Tad. Then his eyes opened wide and he stared open mouthed at Tad.

“You mean you were serious?”

Tad stood there for a moment, and Mickey finally noticed the box Tad was holding.

“Oh shit, you were serious!”

Tad set the box down and walked out of the kitchen. Before Mickey could even think about following him, the water began to boil over on the stove.

“Tad … come on Tad,” Mickey called after him. He grabbed the pots off the stove, and turned it off quickly. As he went to go talk to Tad he heard the front door close.

“Tad?” Mickey hurried to the front door but when he looked outside there was no sign of him to be seen in the falling snow. A moment later he heard the car and as he stepped outside he could see the tail lights of Tad’s car as he pulled away. Cursing to himself he closed the door.

He walked back to the kitchen where Tad had left the box. He opened it to find a ring with a Celtic knot around an emerald. He plucked the ring out of the box and noted there was engraving inside. There was a single word, ‘Forever.’ Mickey felt like shit, but what the hell had Tad been thinking? Marriage? He knew Tad had been asking for more, even wanting them to move in together, but after his last relationship he wasn’t ready for that.

The two of them had been together for a little over a year. He knew Tad had been getting serious, but he sure as hell hadn’t expected him to propose. He stood looking perplexed at the ring. Right now he really needed to talk to Tad. Worried, he slid the ring back into the box and sat on the couch so he could watch for Tad out the window. He kept calling his cell phone and leaving messages but he wasn’t getting any replies.

He waited all night for Tad to show up or call. He fell asleep by the phone waiting. It ended up being a long night where he kept have terrible nightmares. When he finally did wake up he immediately caught a whiff of Tad’s cologne. Rushing to find him he discovered that the drawer of clothing that Tad had been keeping in the bedroom was empty. Searching further he finally found a note on the kitchen counter.

Mickey,

Sorry. I thought we were thinking the same thing. I guess I was wrong. Don’t worry; I won’t make this any harder for you. I want a committed relationship, but you evidently aren’t ready. I hope you find what you need.

Always, Tad

Tad’s keys to his place were left beside the note. The box with the ring was gone. Mickey was frantic. He knew he had screwed up and called Tad over and over again. He began to realize all the little things Tad had been asking for and that he kept refusing. He had screwed up a great thing.

Finally he grabbed his car keys and headed out to his car. The whole drive over he kept thinking what an ass he had been. Tad was nothing like Chris had been. There hadn’t been other guys, or refusals to acknowledge they were a couple. Hell, he had even met Tad’s family barely a month into their dating. Why had he thought Tad was kidding? Why hadn’t he gone right after him instead of worrying about the damn water on the stove?

When he pulled up to Tad’s apartment building he found Tad’s car wasn’t in his parking space. He searched his car, found some paper, and wrote out a note where he begged Tad to please call him. He left the note on the apartment door. He sat in the parking area of Tad’s apartment for hours hoping that Tad would show up, but eventually he drove home.

That night he called Tad again, not expecting an answer but hoping against hope he would get one.

“Mickey, what do you want?”

Mickey listened and could hear worn out tone in Tad’s voice. Tad’s normal happy voice was strained.

“I want to talk to you.”

He could hear Tad sniffling in the background.

“Is that Mickey? Just hang up Tad. He's hurt you enough already.”

Mickey knew then that Tad was with his sister, Michelle. She was fiercely protective of her baby brother. The phone became muffled for a moment and then Tad came back on.

“I know you are sorry, Mic. I just don’t think you know for what. I have been trying for months to show you how much I care, but there is a wall there that I just can’t seem to break through.”

“I can change. I know I can.”

“You might be able to Mic, but doing it for me is the wrong reason. Can you honestly tell me that you want to marry me? That you want me by your side every day? Can you say you love me unconditionally?”

Mickey was silent. He loved Tad but he couldn’t really picture sharing the rest of his life with him. For a moment he flashed back to the problems he had faced with Chris when they had tried to live together. His mouth suddenly felt dry and he felt stupid doing this to Tad.

“I didn’t think so.” Mickey could hear the catch in Tad’s voice. “Goodbye Mickey. Please don’t call again.”

Mickey spent the rest of the night thinking over what Tad said. Was he really not able to love Tad the same way? Why couldn’t he accept Tad as he was? The real reason he couldn’t was because he was scared of being hurt again like he was with Chris. Tad was so different but there was still a fear there that he couldn’t seem to shake. Yet, he knew he really did love Tad, but he just wasn’t sure he was ready for such a big step, they weren’t even living together yet. However, lying across his bed he could see the empty drawer that once held Tad’s things and he knew this was something worth taking a chance on, he just hoped Tad would give him a second chance.

Mickey knew things weren’t going to get better when he dialed Tad’s number the next day to find it had been disconnected and there was no new number given. It was Monday and he had to go to work. It was sometime after lunchtime that he finally decided to call Tad at work. The phone was answered on the second ring.

“Good afternoon, this is Charlene. Thank you for calling the Amberson Company. How may I direct your call?”

“Hi Charlene. Can I talk to Tad Bowers, please?”

“I’m sorry but Mr. Bowers is no longer with this branch. Can I direct you to his replacement?”

Mickey felt his stomach lurch. Where was Tad?

“I’m sorry this is private matter for Mr. Bowers. May I ask how I can contact him?”

“He took a job with our Boston office this morning. I believe he will be in his new office on Monday of next week.”

Tad was moving? It was a week before Christmas. He was leaving his family and moving to Boston? This had to be wrong.

“Boston,” Mickey croaked out. “I didn’t know he was moving.”

“Well,” Charlene began, her voice becoming somewhat hushed, “to be honest, this was the third time this year the job had been offered to him. I understand he has turned down the promotion twice before, but something must have changed for him to finally accept it. He is going to be the branch manager.”

Mickey felt worse than ever now. He didn’t know that Tad had turned down a promotion to stay with him. He hadn’t just been blind, he had been stupid, but those blinders had finally been lifted and he could see clearly now. He desperately wanted to talk to Tad. He hung up unsure what to do next.

Mickey continued through his day in a fog. He couldn’t really focus on work; his mind was totally absorbed with Tad. When had he been offered the promotions? How had he not have known what was happening in Tad’s life? Tad was constantly asking him what was going on. Then he realized that while Tad was genuinely interested in what happened to him, he hadn’t shared the same interest in Tad's life.

Finally, he decided the best way to apologize was to go back to Tad’s place and wait for him. When he arrived he found a moving truck already parked outside the apartment building. Hurrying up to the apartment he found a bunch of men packing up the stuff in the Tad’s apartment.

“Excuse me, but have you seen Mr. Bowers anywhere?” Mickey looked hopefully at one of the movers.

“Sorry, no bud. The guy, who hired us, gave us the keys and told us to pack everything except the furniture because that belonged to the apartment building.”

Mickey looked at the floor. It was all he could to keep from crying. He took a deep breath before he spoke again.

“Do you have an address you are bringing all his stuff to?”

“Sorry, bud. Can’t tell you.”

“I understand.”

Mickey felt lost. He started walking slowly toward the door when he spotted a clip board on top of some boxes by the door. He walked right up and looked it over. Sure enough it was filled out in Tad’s neat handwriting. When it came to an address for shipping he had simply checked off for storage in the moving company’s Boston area. Mickey realized Tad would need time to find a place up there. This might have been moving fast, but even Tad wouldn’t have been able to find a place in just a few hours. It was at that moment that he realized he had actually lost Tad. Mickey found it hard to breathe. There seemed to be an empty space inside of him now. It wasn’t like the shield he wore when Chris left him, this was a hollowing out of his soul. He had lost something precious and there was no way to get it back now. No matter what Tad had felt for him, he was doing his best to put space between them.

Mickey knew the only thing he could do now was to respect Tad’s wishes. It was the hardest thing he had ever done, letting go of Tad. The weeks that followed were something of blur. Each morning just getting out of bed seemed like a major chore. Going out wasn’t anything he really wanted to do without Tad. The holidays came and went. He found he really didn’t have a reason to celebrate.

February arrived and Mickey finally began to come out of the cocoon he had built for himself. He didn’t date again, but he did begin to take a serious interest in those around him. He learned to be aware of others needs and tried his best to help those he could.

In May he began volunteering at one of the local Boys and Girls clubs. He was there two days a week and helped out with homework and keeping the kids active. He found it was a good way to help pass some of his free time now that he wasn’t dating anyone.

June found more changes happening in his life. His mother came down with breast cancer and decided to undergo a mastectomy. His sister was busy with her husband and children so Mickey took his mother in to stay with him while she underwent chemo. Months ago he probably would have hired a nurse or sent her to his sister’s home anyway. Now, he had learned his lesson. He was there when she could barely swallow water due to how she reacted to the chemo. It wasn’t easy to see her go through the pain of the treatments but not once did he fail to be by her side when she needed him. He spent the next five months helping her during her chemo treatments. It was late in November when she finally went home again.

Mickey found that things were vastly different living alone again. He missed having someone there to care for. Before, he might have been alone but he hadn’t been lonely. Time had brought many changes to his life. Now he didn’t approach everyone wrapped in the cold detachment he had developed when Chris broke up with him. He felt horrible he had brought that to his relationship with Tad, but he had grown beyond it now.

It had taken nearly a year but Mickey wasn’t the same man he had been when he had let Tad walk out of his life. In many ways the recovery time from Tad leaving him had helped him become a better person. The walls he built after Chris were down now. While he found he was having a better relationship with his mother, his sister and her family, there was still only one person he wished he could have a relationship with, Tad.

It was late on a Wednesday night when Mickey ran into Michelle while out shopping with a group of other volunteers for the kids who came to the Boys and Girls Club at Kohl’s. He was presently filling his cart with socks and underwear from the size list he had been given. He was about to walk out of the aisle and almost hit her cart with his own.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t …”

“Mickey?” Her voice cut through Mickey’s absentmindedness. “What are you doing buying children’s clothing?”

“Michelle,” Mickey faltered. “I … um … well, I’m volunteering.”

Mickey was stunned to see Michelle after so many months. She had the same soft brown hair as her brother and similar eye coloring, though she was much shorter than Tad. Seeing her ripped open a wound he thought might finally have been healing.

“I’m surprised to hear you volunteer for anything.” Michelle stood looking him over critically. Her eyebrow was raised and her foot was tapping.

Mickey wasn’t surprised by her attitude. He knew he deserved worse, but he was happy to have some reminder of Tad come into his life even if did feel like his heart was being ripped out all over again.

“Well I’ve been doing it for a while now,” Mickey said quietly.

“Humph.”

“It was nice seeing you, Michelle. I wish I could spend more time talking but I have to get this list completed. “

As Mickey began to walk off he could feel Michelle watching him, so when she called after him he stopped and turned around to face her.

“Mickey, I’m sorry.”

Mickey looked at her and could feel his jaw drop. Michelle was apologizing to him?

“For what? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Michelle bit her lip and looked Mickey carefully.

“Look, I know I am not the easiest person to get along with, but Tad is my brother. He was really hurt when you didn’t accept his proposal. I was very … supportive of him taking the job when it was offered to him. You didn’t know what you wanted and I figured you were only stringing him along.” Michelle looked Mickey in the eyes.

“Well, I wasn’t trying to string him along, but you were right about one thing. I sure as hell didn’t know what I wanted.” Mickey sighed and caught sight of some of the other volunteers already starting to head toward the checkout, their lists completed.

“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt Tad. It really is one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. I’d continue to apologize, but by now Tad has moved on. I’ll admit I deserve a hell of lot worse from you for how I treated Tad,” Mickey shrugged feeling uncomfortable under Michelle’s intense stare. “However, I really have to finish this shopping list. The volunteers are already heading toward the checkout and I have things to grab yet.”

Mickey turned and hurried off to complete his shopping knowing that Michelle watched him go. It was the closest he had been to Tad since the night he had walked out of his life and it disturbed him more than he wanted to admit. Trying to shake it off, he focused on getting his list done for the children at the club.

The next few days left Mickey feeling at odds with himself. He had been doing the best he could to move on but running into Michelle brought Tad right back to the forefront of his thoughts. It seemed everywhere he looked or anywhere he went there was some reminder of the one who got away.

When Friday night finally rolled around the house seemed too small. He finally admitted after all this time he needed a night out, something to take his mind off Tad. His mother had gone to out to a cancer survivors meeting, and his sister was taking the kid to a holiday show at the local theater. Deciding he had nothing to lose he grabbed his coat and headed down to the multiplex.

Parking was a bit of a nightmare but he figured getting lost in one the many comedies playing might help his mood. He was waiting in line when he heard a voice he never expected to hear again.

“Mic? Is that you?”

Mickey turned to find Tad standing with his niece. Tad was still wearing the same dark blue pea coat he remembered so well. Tad’s brown shaggy curls in spite of everything did what they wanted, and his warm brown eyes even now looked the same. Mickey found he was shaking; his mouth had gone dry as well. After a year, Tad was finally standing before him again.

“Hi,” Mickey croaked out. He licked his lips and tried again. “It’s nice to see you, Tad.”

Tad stood looking at Mickey. He seemed just as shocked to see Mic.

“Um, Uncle Tad, I’m going to get the food,” Andrea said watching both men. “I’ll be waiting by the snack counter for you.”

Tad turned and smiled at Andrea. She just waved and moved toward the snack counter.

“She is getting big.”

“Yeah, she’s growing like crazy.” Tad watched his niece for a moment, and then turned his attention back to Mickey. “I understand you ran into Michelle the other day.”

Mickey stood thinking of all the things he wanted to say, but he was afraid to say anything. He simply nodded.

“So you are volunteering now?”

“Only two days at week.”

“Well that has to make you feel good. It must be a nice change to your routine.”

“It gives me something to do.” Mickey could feel his hands sweating so he wiped them on his pants.

Tad looked around.

“She is next in line over at the snack counter,” Mickey noted catching sight of Andrea’s bright purple coat.

Tad blushed.

“I was … um looking to see who you are with.”

“Oh, I’m not here with anyone.” Feeling awkward, Mickey glanced down at Tad’s shoes. He couldn’t bring himself to stare too long into those brown eyes.

“I see.”

“Visiting long?”

“I’m not really visiting.”

Mickey looked up. Was he saying he was coming back to town?

“Really? Did your job bring you back?”

“The manager position here finally opened up. I couldn’t resist moving back down to be near my family. I’ll be taking over the office in January.”

The conversation lagged as the two seemed unable to get past the mistakes that lay between them. Mickey knew he missing out on what might be his only opportunity, but didn’t know how to get beyond the multiple screw ups he had made. Tad looked like he was about to walk off when Andrea just walked over to them both.

“Oh, for God’s sake, would you two kiss and make up already. You guys are worse than my friends.” She stood looking from one to the other.

Mickey started to laugh. A moment later Tad did the same.

“God, grownups!” Andrea balanced the tray of goodies she had while glaring at the two men.

“I think she has a point,” Tad said with a smile.

“I know I am not going to argue with her.”

Andrea stood with a smile. Then very sarcastically she turned to her uncle pointing to the sign of the movie before saying, “If you two are done, can one of you go buy the tickets before the movie actually starts?”

Mickey’s smile widened and he hurried over to get the tickets for the three of them. He knew this was the chance for a new start after the disaster of last year. He would have to thank Andrea later, but for now he was happy to just have the chance to possibly start over again with Tad. This time he wouldn’t be making the same mistakes.

Walking over to Tad and Andrea, Mickey smiled and happily followed them into the darkened theater.