A Sense of Family - 1. A Sense of Family

I heard the sirens and saw the flashing lights before I could understand what they meant. My body held itself absolutely still. I was terrified to move and I didn't know why. Voices and rushed footsteps became louder. Someone was approaching. My sense of time was drifting in and out as if I was dancing on the fringes of sleep.

I awoke to a stranger's touch and light shining back and forth in my eyes.

“Can you hear me? Does it hurt anywhere?” he said. Rubber laced fingers examined my face and neck. I groaned as he found multiple points of soreness along my flesh. “What's your name?”

“Matthew. . . Matthew Barnes.” My response was slightly slurred.

I tried to open my eyes, but my head throbbed and my vision spun, refusing to focus solidly. The handsome man above me wouldn't stand still so I could get a close look at him. I tried to move upright but a firm hand held me in place.

“Don't move, Matthew. You may have a concussion and I'm checking for any other major injuries. We'll get you out of here as fast as we can.” His hands pressed gently down my side along my ribcage as if he were counting them. I was tender but didn't feel any spikes of pain. I tried to turn my head to the passenger side and he turned me back to face him.

“What. . . what happened?” I said. The sleepiness was starting to break slightly.

“You were in an accident. It looks as if the other driver ran the stop sign.”

Images of crunching metal and flying glass came to me in a rush. I could still feel the sickening impact that blasted through my Saturn from the passenger side. Once again he turned my face back from looking at the other side of the car.

“I think you're going to be okay, but we're taking you to the hospital to be sure.” He still wouldn't let me turn my head. I could hear a lot of activity to my right.

I was feeling very confused. The dull throb in my head was making it difficult to form proper thoughts and my line of thinking was frayed. My head lolled to the right and he brought it back again. Why was he doing that?

“Josh?” I whispered.

The name and clarity hit me in the chest with a sickening weight. I felt the adrenaline wake me and I stared wildly into the medic's eyes. He held his face professionally calm as I could feel the horror rise in mine. He continued to hold my head, refusing to allow me to see the mangled passenger side of my car. “Is Josh okay?”

“Matthew, I'm sorry,” he sighed. “There's nothing we can do for him.”

My breath escaped me in a violent rush and I stopped resisting his hand. The abyss opened and the urge to sleep in darkness slowly swallowed me.

All I felt was numb.

* * *

“Honey, you're not even dressed yet,” Jerry sighed. He was a slight man with tight blond hair and a manicured goatee. The tailored black suit he was wearing fit him like a glove. Impatiently, he opened my closet and pulled out my clothes while I sat on the edge of my bed in my underwear.

He carefully laid out my black suit with a dark grey button down and black tie beside me. The combination was impeccable. As ever, Jerry's tastes were the highest quality. I just stared at the outfit. Putting it on was the same as admitting Josh was gone. I sat there unmoving.

“Matthew. The funeral begins in an hour.” His gentle hand turned my face to his. “You have to be there. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't say goodbye.”

I just stared back at him. Jerry's brow was beginning to twist, the sensitive man was trying desperately to be strong for me. He searched my eyes for a sign of life. I wasn't sure it was there. He looked up as the bedroom door opened.

“Need help with anything?” Ben's large head peeked in. Jerry waved him into the room. His black suit looked good on him but he couldn't stop pulling at the collar. His full beard was well groomed today, which was really unusual. Ben typically was a tee shirt and jeans kind of guy. He was large and bearish, a complete contrast to Jerry's immaculate nature. They were perfect together.

We always used to joke that Ben and Jerry were just like the ice cream brand; many flavored sweetness that you couldn't resist loving. They were the ones that collected me from the hospital. They moved in for the last few days and help me make all the arrangements, forced me to eat and generally nursemaided me as I recovered from my own injuries.

“Ben, I've got so much to do. Can you get him dressed, please? There's not much time left.” I could hear how frazzled Jerry was becoming.

“Go on, baby. I've got this.” Ben kissed Jerry quickly as he ushered him out the door. The door closed gently and Ben came over to me. He ran his fingers through my dark brown hair.

“Okay,” he said, “it's still wet so you managed to get the shower covered.”

“This is as far as I got.” My voice seemed dull to my ears.

“What happened?”

“Just started to think about him. About what I'm going to do.” My gaze rolled over to the photo of Josh and me that graced my nightstand. I'd slept with it last night. It wasn't very comforting. “I don't know how to let him go.”

Josh had been everything to me. We met at college while I studied Pre-Law. Josh was rugged, handsome and fun-loving and on a full scholarship for Environmental Studies. I was an uptight socialite following my mother's life plan. He changed all that. He insisted on dragging me to parties and we became a couple after an infamous game of “spin the bottle” paired us up. I couldn't stop kissing him after that.

Josh taught me how money wasn't a requirement for happiness and how all the little things in life added up to lavish memories. He showed me what family really meant when he introduced me to Ben and Jerry. I had never known such acceptance and love and I didn't know how I was going to survive without him.

Ben placed his hand along my cheek being extra careful not to disturb the healing cuts from all the broken glass they fished out of my face. There was a lot of bruising on my face and body, but I'd been lucky. Josh hadn't been so fortunate. The doctors refused to tell me the details of his injuries. It had been that bad.

“None of us know how to let him go, Matthew.” Ben's gruff voice cracked slightly. “But we don't have a choice.”

Ben stepped over to my dresser and found a pair of black wool socks in the second drawer. He knelt down in front of me, lifted my foot and slid the stocking on.

“Jerry and I are worried about you, Matthew. We keep waiting for you to break something or start screaming. You haven't even cried since we brought you home. It's not healthy to hold this kind of shit in.” Before I knew it, both of my feet were covered.

“I'm not feeling much of anything right now, Ben. I'm just kind of numb right now.”

Ben looked up at me with sad eyes. Josh's death was hard on all of us, but Ben and Jerry had been giving me a brave face from the moment they arrived at the hospital. I had heard the soft crying at night from the guest room they were sleeping in.

His finger unconsciously ran under his collar. “Tell you what. We'll talk about this more later. Right now, it's time to get dressed. Jerry's way too stressed right now and I can't handle him losing it today.”

I nodded as he stood and held out his hand. When I took it, he pulled me to my feet. Ben reached over and one by one, he helped me put on my clothes. If he wasn't here, I simply wouldn't have bothered.

* * *

Not a cloud marred the sky, a perfect shade of blue that matched Josh's eyes. The beautiful weather seemed somehow inappropriate. I stared into it to distract me from the droning voice of the clergy saying prayers that I cared so little for.

I thought the grief would have overcome me when the casket was lowered into the ground. The dramatic gesture of me throwing myself over the coffin amidst the wails of funeral guests never happened. I was still so dead inside.

The funeral was tasteful, but the line of well wishers at the receiving line was far too long. Josh had amassed an impressive array of friends and admirers over the years. His loss was so preciously felt by so many. I couldn't reflect the tears in so many people's eyes as they filed one by one to shake my hand and hug my bruised body. Ben and Jerry stood next to me and ran interference when it looked like I was about to walk away from it all.

Finally it was over and I rode with Ben and Jerry back to my house where the wake was being held. Jerry had spent the last three days in the kitchen preparing a feast that Josh would have been envious of. I knew it was his way of saying farewell.

I laid down for an hour to rest before guests would start to arrive. My stamina was limited and I wasn't sure what it would take to get me through this day.

* * *

Jerry had outdone himself. An extravagant array of dishes graced the series of the multi-leveled buffet table. Each surface was covered in elegant black fabric that displayed the artful food that graced the stark white china. Ceramic vases overflowing with lilies, Josh's favorite flowers, finished the display. It was almost too beautiful to eat from.

I weaved slowly through the guests, thanking them as they gave me supportive smiles and touched my arm warmly while I searched out the caterer. I gave him a firm hug.

“This is beautiful, Jerry.” When he pulled back, his eyes were watering slightly as he smiled. “Josh would have loved this so much. I just wanted to thank the two of you for everything. I'm not sure I could have done this alone.” Ben sidled up to Jerry and wrapped an arm around the smaller man's waist. He rubbed his nose along Jerry's cheek before placing a soft kiss there.

“It was the least we could do,” Jerry replied.

“I thought Josh's family couldn't make it,” Ben said to Jerry.

“Wouldn't. Not couldn't. The sons of bitches wouldn't even speak to me. They all went, 'We have no son.' when I called them.”

“Then who's that?” Ben nodded his head in the direction behind me and Jerry's eyes followed. I couldn't help but turn and follow their gaze.

“I don't know. I've never seen her before.”

Standing in the doorway was a mature woman with a simple designer black dress and jacket, her dark brown hair swept up in a distinguished bun. Her tasteful makeup was pristine and she clutched a wallet sized leather purse in one hand. Her outfit was a deliberate fifties retro throwback and she pulled it off elegantly.

In her black high heels she stood tall and proud. Her confidence was worn like an elaborate diamond necklace, gracing her as beautiful and elite. Only her eyes gave her away as they shifted amongst the crowd and finally settled uncomfortably on me.

The numbness was starting to subside and was being replaced by disdain.

“That,” I spat out, “would be my mother, Olivia Barnes.”

She raised her head and calmly walked across the room to where we were standing. Each click of her high-priced heels raised a tension that gripped my spine.

“Matthew,” she said.

“Mother.” I watched as her eyes barely moved as she examined the stitched cuts and bruises on my face. If she was moved by it, she never let on.

Ever the consummate host, Jerry stepped forward with a subtle gracious bow.

“Thank you for coming, Mrs. Barnes. I'm Jerry, and this is my partner, Ben. Would you care for something to eat?”

“I don't eat buffet food, thank you.” Her remark was dry and dismissive. She barely glanced in his direction.

“Well,” Jerry said. His eyes refused to blink. “Your mother is everything you ever described and then some, Matthew. I'd love to continue this conversation, but if you're planning on staying I feel the need to hide the knives.” Jerry turned on his heel and strode off with Ben in tow.

I had to pry my grinding teeth apart. “Thank you, Mother. Your first words in fourteen years and you're already offending my friends.”

“He's simply too sensitive.” She shook her head slightly.

“What a shame the same can't be said for you.”

“This is a quaint little house.” She looked around my home with an almost imperceptible frown as she peeled her gloves off her delicate hands. “It's much nicer than I expected. Mowing lawns must be more lucrative than I thought.”

“We're landscaping contractors, Mother.”

“Yes, well. A lawyer's salary would have offered you more options.” She narrowed her eyes at my inexpensive furniture as she quietly stuffed her gloves into the posh little purse at her wrist.

“I never really wanted to study law. Josh and I followed our own path and made a good life here. We were happy.”

“I suppose that's all that matters then.”

She walked over to the shelf on the wall and picked up a picture frame with Josh's picture on it. I felt a growing hostility as she invaded my privacy. I firmly removed the photo from her hands and carefully placed it back where it belonged without a word. I ran a fingertip over the glass before I turned back to her.

“How did you know about this?”

“Your sister keeps me informed. You never stopped speaking to her.”

I shrugged. “Rachel never turned her back on me. Although I may have to reeducate her on what the term confidential really means.”

“I came to see if my son was all right. Are you following the doctor's instructions?”

“Why don't you ask my doctor?”

“I already tried. He wouldn't confide in me.” I couldn't believe her audacity. I wouldn't have been surprised if she had tried to bribe my doctor or threatened him with legal action.

“Good,” I spat. “At least he understands the word confidential.”

Her brow flattened slightly. “I'm simply interested in your welfare.”

“After all this time? Fine. I'm battered and bruised and my husband is dead. How do you think I'm feeling?” I threw the contempt in my voice in her face.

“Don't be dramatic, Matthew. He was not your husband.”

I leaned forward as my shoulders rose like a cobra's hood. “We got married in our back yard and vowed to love each other forever. We shared every aspect of our lives from the moment you kicked me out of the house.”

“That's very romantic, dear but not a legal marriage. It doesn't count.”

I stepped away before I slapped her. “Okay. Thanks for coming. It's nice to know your motherly charms have improved with age.”

She stood there gracefully, her mouth a thin line as I turned to speak to the guests I actually gave a damn about.

***

An hour or two had passed and she was still here.

I stayed near Ben and Jerry when I could. They were my shield from all my well-wishers who came and went. But she wouldn't leave.

My mother tried to speak to me once or twice, but every sentence always began with some biting, insensitive phrase and I had to walk away. Talking to her was like eating glass and her very presence was charging a battery of hostility inside me. I endlessly massaged my hands to stretch my cramping fingers. Holding my shaking fists so tightly closed was making my knuckles ache.

I watched my mother out of the corner of my eye. She stood upright looking completely out of place. She radiated aristocracy in a crowd of down-to-earth people. If she wasn't such a bitch, I might have felt sorry for her. Instead, I felt as if she were staining a sacred event.

I had barely felt anything for the last four days, but I couldn't say that now. What I was feeling now was an anger trying to claw its way out of me. I grabbed Jerry by the wrist.

“Jerry, where's my scotch?” I hissed. He looked down at the shaky hand that circled over his watch with a cocked eyebrow for a moment before looking me in the eye.

“Honey, I'm not about to be the one who hands you hard liquor tonight.” Jerry hid all the alcohol in the house the night they brought me home. “Find another way to cope.”

I let him go. “I'm sorry.” I looked over at my mother. “I wish she wasn't here. She makes me crazy.”

“Then kick her snotty ass out.”

My head whipped around to Jerry in surprise. “I can't do that.”

“Of course you can't.” Jerry held my chin in his hand. “She's still family even if she is the Wicked Witch. We taught you better than that.”

I rubbed my temples. Jerry was right. What was I going to do? The longer she was here the more unsteady I became.

Jerry handed me a small plate of hors d'oeuvres. “Now eat something or I'll call her over here.”

* * *

It hadn't taken long for word to spread of the identity of the sleekly dressed woman. I listened to the whispers as my friends began sporadically discussing the rumors surrounding myself and my estranged mother. It only added fuel to the powder keg sitting under my skin.

Today was supposed to be a remembrance of the only true love of my life. Today was supposed to be the day we all said farewell to the man who graced our lives with his wit and good nature. Now it was shifting away into my sordid family past that I did away with long ago.

Why today of all days? I couldn't even feel the sorrow of Josh's loss. All I saw was the cold woman who didn't understand that she wasn't welcome. If she was a supportive, loving mother, I would welcome her arrival. But she wasn't. She never was. My sister Rachel was nine months pregnant and on bed rest. If she were here I'd make her convince Mother to go. The sight of her chaffed me raw.

It wasn't long before she began sowing discord through my guests.

A few people had tried to speak with her. The kind of friends we had would want to include the isolated guest on such a sad day. She dismissed each one in kind. Each time I watched it happen fed my resentment. They quickly stopped trying.

I watched as she wandered the house scrutinizing every square inch of my home. No book or curio was left unexamined. I waited for her to start checking for dust. She surreptitiously eavesdropped on conversations, but contributed to none. All the while she appeared to have a foul scent under her nose. Her disdainful looks and manner were making everyone uncomfortable.

A tearful woman approached my mother. Mrs. Arthur was a widowed neighbor that lived two houses down. Josh had cared for the tiny frail woman last winter when she came down with pneumonia and her power had been shut off. She had never let Josh, or anyone else for that matter, forget how grateful she was for his selflessness. Even when we tired of the story, we sat back and let her tell it again. My mother looked positively impatient as the story of Josh's good deeds was being repeated.

She waved her hand aside. “I don't care.”

A small gasp came from a few nearby guests as Mrs. Arthur fell silent. My friend Sally came up and walked her away when my elderly neighbor burst into tears. My teeth ground so hard my jaw ached. I stalked over and roughly grabbed my Mother by the arm and pulled her away from the main body of mourners.

“Why are you here?” My volume was louder than I had planned, but I did nothing to reduce it.

“What do you mean?” She shook her arm free and straightened her outfit.

“This is one of the worst days of my life. You can't possibly be unaware of what your presence today is doing to me.” I spoke through gritted teeth.

“I'm your mother. It's my place.”

“You haven't pretended to be a mother for a long time. I lost my mother over fourteen years ago.”

“I lost my son that day too.”

“No.” I shook an angry finger at her. “You didn't lose your son, you threw your son away. There's a big difference. You cut me off financially and threw me away like common trash. All because you wouldn't accept me.” My voice was rising and I could see Ben and Jerry both stepping closer.

“It had nothing to do with acceptance.”

“It had everything to do with it. If I was running off with a woman. . .” The mulling conversations in the room were becoming quieter.

“But you weren't. You were throwing away a promising future.”

“I didn't want the future you laid out. So you decided to punish me to get me back in line?” I snarled at her. I couldn't help it. Even her pristine expression had begun to fray. Her eyes intensified as her temper began to tremor under her surface.

“I wasn't about to let you ruin your life by running off with that. . . ”

“What? Say it!” I could feel the heat in my face.

“People are staring, Matthew.” Mother's eyes began darting around the room that had gone quiet. All eyes were on us.

“Deviant? Faggot?” I grew louder still. “Is that what you wanted to say?” I stepped closer to her as my voice filled the room. I didn't care that everyone was watching. My eyes were firmly on the target of my aggression.

“Matthew. . . ” Her shoulders raised and she spoke in the cold, firm manner that she used to use to scold me as a child. I fumed at the insult and I lost all discretion. In one word I went from incensed to absolutely crazed as I grabbed her by the lapel of her jacket.

“SAY IT!! YOU MISERABLE CUNT!!!” I shook my mother and screamed at her with our faces mere inches apart. “SPEAK THE TRUTH FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE AND ADMIT HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME!!!”

The slap she gave me stung worse than the healing lacerations on my face. I lost my grip and I stumbled backward. All the rage of fourteen years and the last four days instantly slammed to the surface. She looked back at me with a pinched snarl. I came unhinged.

“COCKSUCKING WHORE!!!” I lunged for her with both hands. Large arms suddenly pulled me backwards as I saw Jerry's shocked face. He stepped in front of my mother and pulled her away with a sheltering arm. I was still kicking and screaming obscenities at her as I was spun around. I found myself facing an enraged Ben as he gripped me by the shoulders and shook me like a rag doll.

“MATTHEW!! STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!” Ben bellowed.

I stopped. For the first time since the accident, my chest felt so heavy and my heart shattered. The numbness was gone and all my grief flash flooded to the surface at once. Rivers of tears streaked so fast there wasn't any way to stop the flow. My face fell as gut wrenching sobs broke free. Ben caught me as I fell forward, my body no longer held me. His strong arms wrapped around me and held my weight as I wailed shamelessly into his neck and chest. I didn't even have the strength to hold on, my arms hung loosely unable to decide where to go.

“It's okay, Matthew.” Ben whispered into the side of my head. “It'll be okay.” He kissed my head as he held me. I could feel how wet his cheeks were against my own. “Let's get you out of here.”

My wails had only slightly diminished as he picked me up and carried me down the hall and into my bedroom. Ben sat down on my bed as I refused to let go of my lifeline, wrapping myself around him. Now that I'd finally begun crying I wasn't sure if I could stop.

I wasn't sure how long I cried. Ben just held on and let me finally vent my grief all over his suit. Eventually, my crying settled and I realized how exhausted I was. I slowly separated from Ben and sat next to him on the bed. His heavy arm came around my shoulder and I leaned into his supportive frame.

“I'm so sorry, Ben.” I wiped my face with the back of my hand. I could only imagine my appearance. If it was in any proportion to my embarrassment right now it had to be horrific.

He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “I miss him too.”

“I can't believe he's gone.” A single sob broke free and a tear ran down my cheek. It was a far cry better than the explosion earlier.

“Me too.”

My heart still ached but my life felt a little less hopeless. I wondered if Ben and Jerry understood what a lifeline they had become to me. I closed my eyes and took in the warmth of his touch. Ever since the accident I had asked myself over and over if I'd ever know love again. Here it was sitting next to me in the touch of true family. Why couldn't I experience the same with my only blood relative here?

“Why do you think she came?” My whisper broke the long silence.

“I'm not sure. I wish she never set foot in the door.” Ben ran his finger into his tie and undid the knot.

“Oh, God, I can't believe I did that.” I still felt so ashamed.

“Me either.” Ben took a relieved breath as the first two buttons came undone. “Jesus, Matthew, I've never seen you crack like that. We've known each other since before she kicked you out and that scene was so out of character for you.”

I bowed my head. “Even after all this time, she brings out the worst in me.”

“I don't know how you grew up into a decent human being with her around.”

“I followed orders and did what I was told. Back then I thought I was happy.” I shrugged. “Then I met Josh. He changed everything.” My eyes started to water thinking of him even if just for a moment. Now that I could feel my grief I didn't have a handle on controlling it.

“He really made an impact in people's lives. He was such an incredible person.”

The day I'd been rejected by my mother fourteen years ago I sat of the edge of Josh's bed with his arm around me much like today. Tears ran down me as I faced an uncertain future. I had no money and no home. I remembered staring into his bright blue eyes and admiring his unruly blond hair as he said all the right words to me.

I will always be your family. Some day she'll realize the mistake she's made. You'll see.

He held me for long hours as he slowly made me realize my life could still have a happy ending. He laid with me and made me feel safe. With Josh at my side I was capable of managing anything. He asked me to marry him that night. I refused until we could find a house together. I needed to feel more stable. A month later, we were unpacking boxes in this very room.

“My world is going to be so different without him. I don't know what I'm going to do.” I clenched my eyes closed and gritted my teeth as I tried to arrest another wave of tears inside. It was a losing battle.

He squeezed me tighter. “You're going to survive. Just like the rest of us are.”

I buried my face into his shoulder as I let out another rush of emotion. His other hand stroked my hair as I slowly wore myself down.

“Why don't you lie down? You could probably use a nap.”

I nodded as I sniffed hard and wiped my face. “Would you stay with me? I really don't want to be alone right now.”

“Sure.” Ben scooted back on the bed on top of the covers and made room for me next to him. I pulled in close and his large arm wrapped around me making my nerves just a little less on edge. Ben was like a large warm, firm body pillow and my exhaustion quickly eroded my ability to stay awake. It wasn't the same as having Josh next to me. Nothing would ever bring that back, but I felt a little less lonely as I drifted away to the feel of a paternal kiss on my forehead.

* * *

I awoke to a soft snore beside me that I didn't recognize. Josh didn't snore. I startled slightly and realized Ben was asleep next to me, his arm still protectively surrounding me. He was sleeping so peacefully and I began to realize how much of a strain everything had been on him and Jerry. They worked so hard to take care of me and I loved them both so much.

I carefully climbed out from under his arm and placed a light kiss on his cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered. The closing of the bedroom door was nearly soundless as I left him behind and let him sleep.

The sun was beginning to set as I found myself in the middle of the living room. The space was free of people and the remnants of the wake. The buffet table and all its culinary masterpieces were gone. Even the furniture had been put back into position. You wouldn't even have noticed anything had taken place here. It was very surreal.

I couldn't stop looking around until Jerry's footsteps came to me from the kitchen. He was looking as fresh as ever and with the pleasant smile on his face you'd think he'd forgotten the whole scene that took place just a short time ago.

“I just finished putting everything away. You have a lot of leftovers to work with, so enjoy. How are you doing Matthew?”

“I'm better.” I scanned the empty room. “Is she still here?”

He nodded. “I have her set up in the kitchen. We had a long chat.”

“Oh God.” Something about that raised the hair on the back of my neck.

“We're fine. I filled her in on how inappropriate her behavior was today. This day was supposed to be about Josh, not over the petty family history that's no one's business.”

My eyes went wide. “You did not say that to her.”

“Of course I did. Eventually she calmed down and we had a civilized conversation. I even got her to eat a little.” Jerry raised a snooty eyebrow. “Catty little bitch couldn't get enough of my shrimp Creole tarts.”

“Why did she stay?”

“Well, she wouldn't say outright, but I'm under the impression that in her rude, perverse way she was trying to get back in touch with you.”

“After all these years why would she bother?”

“Matthew, her only son was lucky to not be killed in a car wreck. Those kind of moments change all of us.”

A tightness grabbed my chest as I thought of Josh. Part of me wanted to throw her out the front door but I knew if Josh were here, he'd never forgive me if I didn't at least try to fix the chasm between us. It was one of the only things we ever really argued over, because I was so angry with her that I refused to make a first effort. Family was so important to him, because he had to forge his own. He never wanted anyone to feel the pain that he did when his family abandoned him.

“Do you think she'll even talk to me?” Part of me hoped he'd say no. It would make everything so much simpler.

“She was rude to me and I walked off. You just tried to kill her and she's still here. What do you think?” Jerry placed a hand on my forearm for strength. “Do you need us to stay?”

I shook my head. “I think we're past the point of violence now. I'm just too tired for any more drama.”

“Thank God,” he sighed. “You watch Jerry Springer, but you never expect it to act out in front of you.”

I shot Jerry a dirty look. “Thanks.” I couldn't suppress my sarcasm. “Go get your man out of my bedroom and take him home.”

“Like I haven't heard those words before.” Jerry kissed me gently on the cheek. “She's still an awful woman, but she's the only mother you have. Warn us if you're going to invite her to dinner anytime soon.” Jerry pulled me into a warm hug. “Call us if you need anything. We love you.”

“I love you guys, too.” Jerry released me and then turned and headed down the hallway. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the next act in this family circus.

I found my mother in the kitchen sitting at the table looking as refined as always to the casual observer. Her mascara was flawless, so either it was very high quality or she hadn't even shed a tear. In her right hand she held a glass containing about an inch of amber liquid. The edge of her glass showed no trace of her lipstick. On the table was her tiny purse and an open bottle of scotch.

“Since when did you start drinking scotch?” I asked.

“It was your friend Jerry's idea. He has excellent instincts.” She took a sip without looking in my direction. “Don't tell him I said so, but his shrimp Creole tarts were excellent.”

“They should be. He's a party planner and chef. He takes his work very seriously.”

“Really? I'll have to keep that in mind.” She took another sip. I stood there watching her, hoping she would say something to make this easier. True to form, she once again disappointed me.

“Mother, I'm sorry for what I said earlier.” I held a deep breath as I ran a hand through my hair.

“No you're not. Don't start lying to me now, Matthew.”

“You're right. I'm not.” I sighed. “But I am sorry for the way it came out.”

“That I believe.” She continued to sit there sipping away. I wondered if she knew what to do next. I didn't.

I stood there in the awkwardness of our lives. Her little movements were as tight and emotionless as ever. She was as strong and impassive as I'd always remembered. Nothing had changed. Another sip was drawn from her glass as she fingered the rim lost in thought.

“If you're going to drink my scotch, the least you could do is offer me a drink.” I walked to the cupboard, pulled out a glass that matched hers, and poured a drink. I sat down at the table across from her and took a deep swallow. The smooth liquid gave a familiar burn and I hoped it would give me the courage I needed.

“I'm sorry about Josh.” Her vision had dipped down and she stared into her drink.

“Thank you.”

“You must have loved him very much.”

I stared into the amber in my glass. “More than you can imagine. He made me very happy.”

“I've been listening to your guests. This is quite the surrogate family you have here. Ben and Jerry especially have your best interests at heart.”

“They're our best friends. We're all involved in each other lives and we take care of each other.” I took a sip of my drink. “It was all Josh's doing really. His parents were highly religious and disowned him. But instead of letting that isolate him, he spent his time forging relationships.”

“They all speak very highly of him.”

I nodded my head. “Everyone loved him. He was such a giving person.”

I looked around my kitchen. It was simple and functional, but had a warmth that I'd sought all my life. Little knick-knacks lined the windows. They were odd little twenty-five cent souvenirs from vending machines on our travels that I constantly gave Josh grief over. I'd never get the chance to tell him how much I loved each and every one.

“I've missed you, Matthew.”

“Then you should have called.” I knocked back a healthy gulp and emptied my glass.

“My phone hasn't rang either. If it wasn't for your sister I wouldn't know anything.” I rolled my eyes as she shifted the blame onto me. I was unmoved by her martyrdom.

“You know, Josh was always pushing me to contact you. He kept telling me I'd regret it, but I couldn't let it go. Even after all these years. You kicked me out, remember?”

“When your father died, you took it very hard. You went from being my happy child, to being self-destructive and angry. I tried to be the loving mother, but I learned quickly that all you responded to was order and discipline. With your father no longer providing that, I became that person.

“I planned your schooling and your future. You seemed content and happy. You graduated pre-law and were accepted into law school, I was so proud of you. You can imagine my surprise when you announced you were running off with your. . . boyfriend to embark on a career in landscaping.”

I picked up the bottle and refilled my glass. “Josh and I had been together since before my undergrad.”

“I had no idea. You kept him a secret. That day was the first time I was even aware of him.”

“Considering the reaction, I'd say it was warranted.”

“I was in shock, Matthew.” Her shoulders belied an angry tremor. “You dropped your relationship and the derailing of all your life plans on me without even consulting me.”

I pointed at her with my drink in hand. “Because I knew you wouldn't approve. You'd planned my life for so long, I didn't think you'd be willing to discuss any departures from it.”

“I was never given the opportunity.”

I took a heavy sip. “It wouldn't have made any difference. I tried to explain. All you saw was the end of all your hard work. Not the beginnings of mine. You reacted like a disappointed father, not like a mother.” I shook my head as I relived the memory.

Her head dipped slightly. “I didn't say I was proud of the moment. Perhaps I'd spent too much time filling your father's role.”

I found myself listening to the motor of the kitchen clock's soft whirr in the long silence that followed. My mother took another sip, but had still refused to look in my direction. I wasn't sure if it was shame or anger. . . or both.

“So fourteen years go by because we're both too stubborn to make peace?”

She sighed gently. “It would seem that way.”

“Are we supposed to hug now?” I found myself smirking.

“Matthew, you called me a 'cocksucking whore' and other colorful phrases that I will not repeat. You also tried to assault me in front of a crowd of people. I'm not feeling that maternal right now.”

My smile flattened. I felt the bitter sting in her words. On this occasion, I had actually deserved them. After all these years of animosity, I suppose it was a bit much to expect more.

“Let's just call this a new beginning,” she said.

I nodded. “I think that's fair.”

With a final sip, she placed her empty glass on the table and stood. Delicate hands briefly ran over her dress, smoothing down any non-existent flaws in her appearance. She tilted her head and finally looked me in the eye.

“Once I'm feeling less insulted and the dust settles over all of this, I would like us to get in touch. It's been too long since we've had a family dinner together. It will give us a chance to talk more.”

“You're leaving?” I couldn't hide my surprise.

“I believe I've overstayed my welcome.” She nodded gracefully as she lifted her purse from the table.

“If you're sure.” My words were timid as I set down my drink and stood up to see her out.

“I think I've left my driver sitting out front long enough.” I followed her quiet but confident steps across the living room. Her hand turned the doorknob to the outside and I grew slightly fearful that her visit was over.

“Mother?”

“Yes, Matthew?” She turned to face me, her gaze stoic, but her tone slightly impatient. I could see the almost imperceptible tremor in her hands that would have been unseen by anyone else.

“Thank you for coming.”

A delicate sigh softened her shoulders. “I'm sorry I missed out on the opportunity to know Josh. Perhaps you can tell me about him sometime. He molded you into a better man than I did.” I caught the briefest hint of a smile before she turned and walked out the door leaving me standing in the living room. No goodbye hug. No goodbye kiss.

I stood listening to the tick of the mantle clock as I watched a woman I had learned to hate walk down the path and enter the sleek black limousine with the aid of her well dressed driver. As relieved as I found myself that she was gone, I missed her slightly. Perhaps there was a small chance we might get to know one another again without killing each other with fists or words. A very small chance.

I looked down at the small table next to the door and picked up the modest picture frame that lived on it. A picture of me and Josh on our first camping trip looked back at me. The last fourteen years I had spent finding new ways to put a smile on his face. A catalog of happy memories would always be at my fingertips. I caressed the glass over his smiling face and actually felt for the first time that I would survive this.

I had lost my husband, but strangely he was responsible for bringing my mother back into my life. It was his final cosmic joke to play on me. I wasn't sure I wanted her back, but I was willing to entertain the possibility. Even if just to make Josh happy for one more time.

I didn't feel quite so numb anymore.