Not made for each other - 11. Crushed Dreams and Broken Hearts

Chapter 11: Crushed Dreams and Broken Hearts

My eyes were still closed. I was expecting him to break something, to yell at me or hit me, but when my confession got nothing in return except silence of many long, unending moments, I swallowed the lump formed in my throat and took a chance to open my lids slowly. Tears were freely streaming down my face.

Kev was staring me unblinkingly. His face and his eyes were devoid of any emotion. His thumb and index finger still held the spoon which was dipped into the coffee mug. This everlasting silence was discouraging but I didn’t tear my gaze away from his deep blue orbs. I was scared, very scared.

“This is an idiotic joke, isn’t it?” Kev asked calmly, forcing a fake smile on his stoic face which made it harder for me not to cry. I knew he must be praying in his mind that all this would turn out to be a stupid prank but I also knew that he knew it was not a joke. I remained quiet, looking at him with my teary eyes and trembling lips. “It’s not a joke then.” My silence was my answer. I looked down as I didn’t have the courage to see that pain in his accusing eyes.

Suddenly, he smashed that coffee mug on the floor and I jumped in panic and took a few steps back. He came around the kitchen counter and grabbed my shoulders.

“Do you have any idea what the hell are you talking about, Zune? It can’t be possible. You can’t do that. You, you can’t do that to me. There must be, must be some confusion. I. I know you. You can’t do that. You can’t do that to me.” There was no anger or hatred in his voice. If there was something, it was a small flash of hope that whatever I said was not true.

“Kev, I, I am sorry.” With that I burst into tears, ducking my head. I had nothing else to say.

He shook me violently. “Look at me, Zune. Look-at-me. For God’s sake, please tell me you haven’t slept with that homophobe. Please tell me you haven’t cheated on me. Please Zune, please, I, I, beg of you, Zune, please,” he pleaded, trying to make eye contact. He was also on the verge of tears. I didn’t say anything. I was just standing in front of him, sniveling pathetically.

He forcefully slammed my back against the wall, never letting go of my shoulders. I reluctantly raised my eyes to meet his gaze. His reddened eyes were full of anger, pain and tears.

“HOW?...WHEN?...WHY DAMMIT?! WHY?!”

I had no answer. I lowered my eyes again.

“If you have the guts to cheat on me with that bastard behind my back then have the balls to look into my eyes,” he bawled, digging his fingers deep in my shoulders. I winced in pain and lifted my eyes to look at him, batting my eyelashes rapidly and breathing heavily. I saw Carol, Jake, Ron and Daryl standing on the stairs looking at us in disbelief but they didn’t dare to say or do anything.

“SAY SOMETHING DAMMIT,” Kev demanded pulling my shoulders against him but not a single word came out of my mouth.

My silence made him absolutely furious. Kev lost any of the patience he had left in him. He let go of my shoulders and began looking everywhere frantically, running his hands through his hair. He angrily rushed towards the kitchen table.

“I LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAD, AND YOU, YOU…” Kev hollered and snatched the tablecloth, pulling it with a jolt. Everything on that table crashed to the floor with a loud breaking sound as dishes and glasses shattered around us. I automatically flinched.

Kev ran out of the kitchen towards the coffee table and hollered menacingly, “YOU CHEATED ON ME. WHY, GODDAMMIT? WHY?” He lifted the vase positioned in the middle of the table and violently threw it hard against the wall.

“WHY? WHY? WHY?” Kev bellowed, picking up the phone off the coffee table and throwing it across the dining room.

I shuddered with fear. I had never seen him that violent and angry before. His face was red with rage and wet with tears. Our friends were still on the stairs dumbstruck and terrified, looking between Kev and I. I guess they were still undecided about what to do.

Kev darted towards me wiping the tears from his face. My heart was hammering against my chest. I pressed my back and hands flat against the wall as if trying to become one with it. I swallowed hard and he tightened his fists. I prepared myself for the punch that was sure to come. I knew I deserved it. He clutched my shoulders, forcing me to look at him.

“How many times have you slept with him?” Kev asked gritting his teeth.

“Kev…” I gave in and burst into tears again as I was not able to do anything else.

“Once?”

“Kev…”

“Twice?”

“Please…”

“Three times or HAVE YOU LOST COUNT?”

“Kev…please…I…it’s not…I haven’t…” I tried to construct something meaningful to say among my unsteady breaths but nothing would come out. I lowered my eyes once again.

“How was it, huh? Was he good in bed?” His grip on my shoulders tightened in anger.

“Kev…” I was weeping uncontrollably but I didn’t dare lift my eyes to meet his gaze.

“Did he…he made you moan, and cry his name?”

“Kev, please…” an ache in my throat was making it difficult for me to find my breath.

“You, you had fun, Zune? SPEAK UP DAMMIT, SPEAK UP. YOU HAD FUN?”

“I…am…sorry. I…Kev…I…sorry,” I said among my sobs. I never stopped crying.

Kev let go of my shoulders and began stepping back. I hid my crying face behind my hands and slumped down to the floor whispering three words again and again, ‘I am sorry’.

“No, I am sorry,” Kev said quietly in a lost and defeated voice after few moments. I slowly pulled my hands away from my face. Kev was sitting on the floor, legs up, with his hands wrapped around his knees pushing them against his chest. His chin was resting on his knees. He was staring at the floor. Tears were rolling down his face.

“I’m sorry that I thought you were the most honest person I had ever met. I’m sorry that I thought you understood me. I’m sorry that I thought you would never betray me. I’m sorry that I wondered what I have done to deserve you in my life. I’m sorry that I thought you were just perfect. I’m sorry that I, I kept up with your nonsense rules and regulations. I’m sorry that I cared about you. I’m sorry that I thought that you would fall in love with me. I’m sorry that I thought you were the one for me. I’m sorry that, that I trusted you. I’m sorry that I, I fell in love with you. I am sorry. I am sorry.” His words were like knives stabbing my heart. I was able to feel his pain, his anger in the quietness of his voice.

“I…I…”

Kev snapped his head up to look at me and cut me off, “We are done, Zune Williams. We are done.”

“Kev, no, please…” I begged in a quivering voice.

Kev stood up and walked towards me, brushing away his tears.

“Get lost. Get out of my house and get out of my life,” he ordered in a vile tone of voice.

“No, please Kev, no,” I wailed. I couldn’t lose Kev. I couldn’t.

When I didn’t move from my spot, he grasped my hand in his. I tried to free myself but his hold on me was too strong. He started dragging me towards the front door while I was still on the ground and looked away to hide his tears and pain.

“Kev, please. I know I have, I have betrayed your trust, but please give me another chance, Kev, please, I…I LOVE YOU.” As I said those three words, Kev stopped. Sometimes it takes you several years to know that you’re in love and sometimes a single moment is more than enough to make you realize it. It was in that moment that I knew I couldn’t lose Kev. It was the moment I knew I was in love…with Kev. Kev was the one for me. I love him.

“DON’T ABUSE THOSE SACRED WORDS!” Kev snarled, anger flaring in his red teary eyes. He looked away and again began pulling me towards the door.

“Kev, please believe me. I…”

“That’s the problem, Zune Williams; I don’t believe you anymore.”

“Kev, no, please Kev, no.” He dragged me until I was on the other side of the front door and then he let go of my hand. It was raining again. Kev gave me a look of hatred and disappointment before turning around to get back inside. I stood up immediately and touched his shoulder to stop him. He instantly jerked my hand away and spun around.

“DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN and next time I’ll tell you that in a very painful manner,” he shouted pointing a finger towards me.

Kev walked back in his house and was about to bang the door shut when I again asserted my feelings for him with my pleading wet eyes. “I love you, Kev.”

Kev brushed away his tears and responded, “Bye, Zune.” With that he slammed the door shut on my face. I began slapping my hands against the closed door while crying my eyes out.

“Kev, please. I am sorry. I am sorry, Kev. I love you. Believe me, Kev, I love you. Please don’t throw me out of your life. Please Kev, please give me another chance. I love you, Kev, I, I love you.” My words got no response from the other side. I collapsed onto the ground, leaning against the door.

I have no idea how long I remained there, crying, begging for forgiveness, but my pleas went unheard. Finally, I composed myself and stood up. I slowly made my way towards my house. It was still raining and every moment I shared with Kev was flashing before my eyes - when I first saw him, when he saved me from Edward’s punch, when he took me to Hoardle’s for the first time, the way he said he loved me a million times, when he was all caring and romantic with me, when he used to whimper and kvetch like a stubborn kid, when he loved to do everything to make me feel special, when he gave me that bracelet, how his warm hugs made me felt safer, how his true smile was enough to make my day. And what have I done? I ruined everything. Everything.

When I got home, mom was not there and I was thankful for that. I knew if she found me like this she would surely know that something was not right. I decided to skip school today. I went to my bedroom, switched off my phone, changed my clothes and went to bed. I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep but when I closed my eyes, flashes of last night with Edward and Kev’s hurt and furious face kept reappearing in my mind. I tried hard but I couldn’t push them away. I shoved my face into my pillow and did the best thing I could do in my present situation. I cried and cried until I fell asleep.

When I woke up it was four in the afternoon. I washed my face and went downstairs. Mom was in the kitchen making herself a coffee.

“Hey, hon.” Mom greeted me, acknowledging my presence. I gave her a weak smile. “Are you okay?” she asked with concern. I was not going to tell her anything. After a very long time, she was truly happy, thanks to Matt. I couldn’t snatch that happiness away from her by revealing anything about my messed up love life.

I forcefully widened my smile and responded, “I’m fine.” She smiled and shifted her attention towards her coffee. She asked me how my school day was. She probably just came in and had no idea that I skipped school today. I lied that I had a headache so I decided to stay home and rest. She panicked and bombarded me with numerous questions. How long was my head aching? Did I take any painkiller? How was I feeling now? I assured her that I was fine now and would go to school tomorrow.

A few minutes later the doorbell rang. Mom ran to open it enthusiastically. It was Matt on the other side. How could I forget he and Carol were moving in with us today? Carol was not with him. Matt said she’s at Kev’s and would join us for dinner, though all her stuff was outside in the truck. With the mention of Kev, I felt a stinging ache in my chest. I knew he would never forgive me and neither would any of my friends, but I was hoping that Kev would be in a better state than me right now.

I helped Matt and mom move those huge boxes inside. After two hours of rigorous efforts, everything was in. We decided that we would move all this stuff up to the respective bedrooms tomorrow after school.

It was dinnertime and Carol was still not here. Matt called her to find out where she was. After talking for a few minutes he hung up and informed us that Carol said not to wait for her as she’s having dinner with Kev and would be home about ten. I knew right now Kev needed her the most, but does it mean Carol also hates me now? Well, who wouldn’t?

I had lost my appetite but forced some food down my throat to show mom and Matt that I was eating and everything was fucking normal.

After dinner, I ran to my bedroom and closed my door. My mind had stopped working now. There were no tears left in my eyes. I had no idea what I should do and what I would do. I was feeling hollow inside. I went to my bed and lay down with my eyes wide open. I tried to calm myself down so I could fall asleep.

After tossing and turning for an hour, I heard a knock on my door. I knew who was on the other side. I gathered my courage and crawled out of bed. I slowly walked towards the door. I was frightened to face her. I stood before the closed door for a few moments to control my heavy breathing and then hesitantly opened it. I was right. Carol was on the other side. As I opened the door, she looked at me and pushed me aside on her way into the room. The way she pushed me, I knew she was as furious as Kev.

Carol was standing a few steps ahead of me. I was facing her back. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

“Carol, I…” whatever I was about to say caught in my throat as Carol turned around and slapped me across my face. I stumbled back a few steps because of the force of her slap. I had my hand on my cheek and with a burning pain in the back of my eyes, tears began forming. I was looking down to conceal my pain and tears.

“I’m here to clear up three things. First, from now on, you are nothing to me, and by nothing I mean nothing. Second, I don’t want to talk to you or see your face again, but I don’t want to ruin the happiness that just entered Jenny and Uncle Matt’s lives, so unfortunately, we’ll have to live under the same roof. Despite the fact that I hate you now, I’ll try my best not to show my hatred and anger for you in front of Uncle Matt and Jenny. And third, I…we…we’ll never forgive what you have done to Kev, and by ‘we’ I mean every one of us,” Carol stated flatly. She didn’t stay another moment longer and stormed out of my room.

It’s not like I didn’t see that coming. After what I had done, what could I expect? A bed of roses? I had lost my friends and my first love and there was no one to blame for all this except me. I destroyed everything myself. I was the reason that we all were involved in this situation. I wiped away my tears and went to bed. I was afraid to think of what was going to happen tomorrow in school.

When I glanced at my reflection in the mirror the next morning, I gasped. I looked terrible; I had baggy eyes with dark circles around them. My face was stained with dried tears. I knew I had a very long day ahead of me.

After getting ready for school, I went downstairs with my backpack. Mom was in kitchen and Carol and Matt were sitting at the kitchen table. I greeted everyone and took a seat next to Carol. As I sat down on the chair, Carol shifted uncomfortably in her seat. I didn’t dare look at her. We ate our breakfast and talked about normal stuff. Carol avoided having any conversation with me. After breakfast Matt told Carol that starting today, she would have to take me to school with her in her car. Carol reluctantly nodded with a faux smile.

Carol and I slung our backpacks on our shoulders and headed out towards her car after saying our goodbyes. We got in the car and Carol began driving. After two blocks, she stopped the car abruptly.

“Out,” she commanded looking straight ahead, tightening her grip on the steering wheel.

“What?” I asked in confusion.

“I said out.”

“But…”

“I hope you haven’t forgotten last night’s little discussion. I-AM-NOT taking you to school. We’ll leave together for school in my car to show Uncle Matt and Jenny that everything is normal between us, but after two blocks you’ll be on your own. Now, out,” Carol instructed.

I was looking at her but she never met my gaze. Carol’s behavior was ripping my heart apart. I tried not to cry. I composed myself and climbed out of her car. It didn’t take her another moment to roar her engine back to life, leaving me behind. I walked rest of the way to school.

Fifteen minutes later I entered our renovated school which seemed very different from the way it used to look like before that fire incident. I walked slowly over to the locker room. I was nervous so I began counting the spattering of dots on the sterile tiled floors on my way, when I suddenly bumped into someone. I looked up and found Edward staring down at me. I ignored him and walked around him to move towards the locker room without saying a single word.

I had just taken few steps when Edward spoke behind my back, “We need to talk.” I didn’t respond in any way and continued walking.

When I reached the locker room, I found Carol, Kev and Jake standing in front of Kev’s locker. Jake and Carol were saying something to Kev, but Kev seemed oblivious to everything going on around him. He was looking down. As they sensed my presence, Carol and Jake left ignoring me completely, but Kev was still there, ducking his head. I felt uncomfortable as I stepped towards my locker which was on the left side of Kev’s. I opened my locker and took out the necessary books. As I closed it, I saw Kev was about to leave the locker room. I wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice but I had no idea what would I say if he eventually was ready to listen to me.

“Kev,” I called him in a whisper. He stopped and slowly turned around. He didn’t say anything but his hurt eyes said everything. He was looking at me in grim despair. “We…I, I need to talk to you.” I hesitantly tried to begin a conversation.

He let out a sarcastic chuckle, shaking his head. He again turned around and left. I followed him. “Kev, please talk to me,” I pleaded. He continued walking and I never stopped following him. “Your silence is killing me, Kev, please.” We were in the hallway now. “I know you hate me now but I…I love…”

“STOP IT!” Kev howled and spun around instantly, facing me. His yelling attracted the attention of students around us and all of them began looking our way curiously and gabbing in hushed tones. “Don’t say it again because you don’t know what those words mean. You really don’t,” Kev warned me.

“I’m not lying, Kev. I really love you,” I asserted once again.

“Really? Don’t you think you have proved your ‘love’ in a weird way…by cheating on me?” he growled with extreme bitterness. I was again on the verge of tears like a hapless loser. After a few moments of complete silence, Kev spoke, “I won’t lie to you. I still love you but I don’t trust you anymore, I don’t respect you anymore and you know what, I would prefer to be in a relationship with a person whom I respect and trust but don’t love, rather than a person whom I’m in love with but could never respect and trust.” He was right. He had no reason to trust me, or respect me. Now, there was nothing I could do to make everything go back to the way it was. I felt helpless.

The crowd around us had thickened now. Kev looked at my right and clenched his jaw. “Your fuck-buddy is here and I think I should leave you two alone,” he spat out. He whirled around and headed towards his first class, leaving me behind. The students around me also began to move to their respective classes as they had something new and interesting to gossip about. My first class was with Kev and Carol. I sighed deeply thinking about that.

“Zune.” I heard Edward calling in back of me. I ignored him and began moving towards my class. “Zune, I need to talk to you. Please listen to me,” Ed requested, trailing behind me. I refrained from reacting and kept walking. “Zune, please,” he pleaded again but I didn’t feel the urge to respond. That was the moment he lost his equanimity and shouted irritably, “Stop acting like I raped you!” My legs stopped moving. I closed my eyes hard, muttering ‘shit’ under my breath, and turned around. I opened my eyes, scowled, and took a step closer to him.

“You’re right. You didn’t rape me. I’m equally to blame for whatever happened last night. It was a mistake, a BIG mistake and I haven’t stopped cursing at myself since then. Whenever I think about you, whenever I see you, all the memories of the biggest mistake of my life torment my conscience even more. I, I know you’re not a culprit and I’m no victim here, but I still hate you and never wanna see your face again, so please-leave-me-alone,” I stated gruffly. There was a melancholy look on his face. He seemed hurt by my words. I immediately gulped down the guilt, turned around, and made my way towards my class. I never looked back.

For a month nothing changed; the shadow of my bad decision was always with me. In the mornings, Carol and I continued to leave the house together in her car, but after two blocks she would come to a stop and I had to climb out without saying a word. School was worse. Carol and Jake kept ignoring me, and for Kev, I was invisible. On the other hand, I was doing my best to avoid Ed who was still trying really hard to talk to me, but I never gave him the opportunity. Whatever Kev was doing to me; I was doing the same with Ed.

The only good thing that happened during this month was the change in Edward’s behavior. Now, he was one of the most helpful guys in the school. Those students who were once scared of him were now his buddies. There was not a single gay person in this school who was not his friend now. The whole school was in love with this new Edward. Even Mr. Fitzgerald, our principal, called him into his office and congratulated him for changing his behavior in such a positive way.

A Month Later

This Monday morning was no different. After being abandoned by Carol two blocks away from our house as usual, and walking nonstop for fifteen minutes, I finally reached the school and ambled towards the locker room. I was halfway there when suddenly someone grabbed my hand and pulled me inside an empty classroom. Before I could react, I found my back pressed against the classroom wall and a hand over my mouth. As I saw his face, my nerves calmed a bit and he removed his hand from my mouth.

“I have already made it pretty clear that I-don’t-wanna-talk-to-you. Leave me alone.” I shoved him aside to get out of the darkened classroom but he held my hand and pushed me once again against the wall.

“Ed…ward, let me go. I don…” The rest of the words caught in my throat when I saw him pulling out a bracelet from the front pocket of his jeans. It was the same green-beaded bracelet that had broken that fateful morning. But it was not broken anymore. Edward must have threaded these beads together…but why? He lifted the back of my right hand with his left hand and gently dropped the bracelet on my palm. The whole time I was looking at him in bewilderment. He leaned in and softly kissed my forehead. He gave me a slight smile and stepped aside, giving me enough room to leave. I was puzzled by his actions, with his eyes, with his smile, with, with…him. I hurriedly exited the classroom and began moving towards the locker room in a daze.

Nothing much happened for the next four periods, but as I arrived at my locker before fifth period, someone called my name.

“Zune!” I turned around and found my classmate Mike running towards me. He stopped few steps away from me. He put his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

“What happened, Mike?” I asked worriedly. I was sure he didn’t have good news for me.

“Kevin…Edward…fighting…cafeteria,” Mike informed me while gasping for air.

I raced towards the cafeteria without wasting another moment.

TBC.

Here's the eleventh chapter. Please tell me what do you think about it. 
 
  Lisa.