Nemesis: Because I Want You - 17. Chapter Seventeen: Every You Every Me

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Every You Every Me

‘You fucking queen!’ Three boys had Nick cornered against a brick wall. ‘Think you can come here and walk around and just, like, be gay, and no one will care?’

Nick glared at them defiantly. ‘I should be able to, yes,’ he said. ‘Now fuck off, let me go home.’

‘What, so you can mince off and keep being a fucking faggot?’ one of them said.

Nick cocked his head. ‘What is it you’re afraid of?’ he asked. ‘Really, I’m dying to know. Do you think I’ll break into your houses at night and fuck you in the arse or something? Or maybe you want me to?’

He was expecting the punch, and closed his eyes before it hit him square in the jaw. The side of his head hit the wall and blue and purple stars exploded on the inside of his eyelids. He sank to the ground, a little dazed.

‘Oi, get off him, you twats!’ someone shouted. Nick opened his eyes. At first he thought it must have been Dave, but that wasn’t Dave’s voice. It was deeper and harder than his boyfriend’s dulcet tenor. He tried to see between the boys’ legs.

It was Matt.

‘What’s it to you, Taylor?’ asked the one who had delivered the punch.

‘Not much, Steven,’ said Matt. ‘But I practice Jitsu twice a week, and I’ll kick your arses if you don’t leave him be.’

‘Whatever,’ said one of the others. ‘We’re done, anyway.’ They stalked off.

Matt pulled Nick to his feet. ‘You okay?’ he asked.

Nick shook his head. It didn’t feel like he had a concussion. ‘Yeah, I think so,’ he replied.

‘Here, I’ll walk you home,’ said Matt and offered his arm. Nick laughed.

‘Thanks,’ he said, and took it. ‘But aren’t you worried people will think you’re gay too?’ he asked.

Matt shook his head. ‘So what if they do? It doesn’t matter. I’m only staying here as long as I have to, anyway. If I get my way, I’m moving back to Brum for college. I can take a couple of months. Besides, I’m bisexual anyway.’

Nick was taken aback by his honesty. ‘People aren’t generally so up front about their sexuality around here,’ he said.

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Matt. ‘Backwards little shit town . . . I thought Dave was better than that, though.’

Nick smiled. ‘Yeah? How do you figure?’

‘He never told anyone that I kissed him. I never thought he’d sink so low as to tell everyone that he rejected you.’ Matt glanced at Nick. ‘I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Rejection sucks.’

Nick considered for a moment. Then he said, ‘Let me tell you something about Dave and me. It’s pretty funny. I think you’ll laugh.’

‘Really? Tell me,’ said Matt. Nick did, and Matt laughed.

* * *

‘It’s a beautiful day, Dave, m’boy!’ Matt put an arm around Dave’s shoulders and smiled. Dave looked up in surprise.

‘Well, that’s a different tune from yesterday,’ he said. ‘What’s got you in such a good mood?’

‘I made a new friend,’ said Matt, smiling. ‘It’s a mutual acquaintance of ours.’

Dave picked up his tray and headed off towards a free table. Matt followed.

‘I still think you’re an arse, mind,’ he continued, ‘but I get it now. In my opinion, you should just stand up to your dad, though. Nick deserves better.’

Dave set down his tray and looked up in astonishment. ‘How do you—?’

Matt shrugged. ‘Doesn’t matter. But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you have a heart.’ He sauntered off, leaving Dave to stare at his retreating back.

Well, this was certainly a development. Nick and Matt had seemed to get along well in the few short weeks Nick had hung out with them, but he had not expected this. Matt continued to surprise him. The tall, dark-haired Brummy obviously had hidden depths.

‘What was that about?’ asked Chas, sitting down opposite him.

‘Football,’ said Dave, shrugging, but he followed Matt with his eyes as he went to sit down with Nick.

Chas cocked an eyebrow at him and followed his gaze. ‘Unexpected development,’ he said. He’d dropped the gangster accent again. He’d been doing that a lot lately, when it was just the two of them.

‘What?’ asked Dave.

‘Matt siding with Nick,’ Chas clarified. ‘Didn’t think he was the sort to give a fuck.’

‘Yeah, me neither,’ said Dave.

‘Are you cross with him for it?’ asked Chas, looking at Dave again.

Dave shrugged again. ‘Not really.’ He took a bite of his food.

‘I’d have expected you to be gloating a lot more,’ Chas continued. ‘Over what Nick did. Coming onto you and all that. Having something to hold against him. But you don’t seem as thrilled as I thought you’d be.’

Dave shook his head and sighed. ‘I dunno, Chas. I think maybe spreading it around was just a huge mistake.’

Chas nodded thoughtfully. Then he looked over Dave’s shoulder. ‘Yo, Alan!’ he called and waved. Dave blinked, then turned to see Alan standing frozen and stone-faced, with a tray in his hands. Dave felt simultaneously angry and sorry for him. He glanced at Nick where he sat laughing with Matt.

‘You know, I’m not really hungry,’ he said to no one in particular and stood up. He dumped his tray on the way out and pulled his mobile out of his pocket to text Nick. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alan sit down in his empty seat, before he left the cafeteria.

* * *

Matt took a seat opposite Nick and grinned at him. Nick grinned back, a little shyly.

‘Don’t get what you see in that guy,’ said Matt. Nick laughed.

‘Well, what did you see in him?’

‘Touché.’

‘Does anyone say that anymore?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe not.’ Matt glanced over at Dave. ‘He doesn’t deserve you, you know.’

Nick blushed.

‘Oi, Matt!’ came a shout from across the room. It was one of the boys from the football team, but his name escaped Nick. ‘Gone queer?’

‘Fuck off!’ Matt shouted back amicably, raising two fingers in his direction. ‘So what if I am? Want me to give you one?’

The boy in question blushed to the tips of his ears and shrank back into the crowd. Nick laughed again. Some moments later his mobile phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text from Dave.

5 minutes, behind the bike shed.

Nick smiled and stood. ‘Sorry, Matt. Duty calls.’

‘What, you’re just going to leave me here by myself?’ Matt asked, pouting. ‘Fine, just go! Go on, leave me all alone!’ He touched the back of his hand to his forehead dramatically and looked away.

Nick reached across the table and ruffled his hair. Matt made a face at him, but then he smiled. ‘Fine, then, go have a good long snog. But let’s hang out after school today, yeah?’

‘Can’t. Have to go see my shrink.’ Nick rolled his eyes. ‘Besides, don’t you have football?’

‘Oh, fuck me, yeah . . . Tomorrow, then.’

‘Sure.’ Nick smiled.

* * *

Nick found Dave already waiting behind the bike shed and greeted him with a kiss. ‘Hi,’ he whispered, hugging him. He breathed deep, filling his lungs with Dave’s scent.

‘Hi,’ said Dave. They separated and he studied Nick’s face with his head cocked to one side. ‘Why did you tell Matt?’ he asked finally.

Nick blinked, taken aback. ‘I . . . That’s why you wanted to see me?’

’No,’ said Dave, ‘I wanted to see you because I wanted to see you. I just . . . I was just wondering.’

‘Oh,’ said Nick, feeling a bit foolish. ‘He was nice to me yesterday. He rescued me, I guess. Someone was giving me a hard time on my way home from school and he stepped in. And he was really honest and up front with me about being bi, and he told me about how he tried to kiss you, not knowing that I already knew, so I just told him. I thought it would be nice to have a friend.’

Now Dave looked uncomfortable. ‘I’m not used to you having friends… I’m sorry.’

‘It’s nice to be able to be myself around someone else. And it’s nice to know that someone’s got my back. Matt’s a good bloke. I feel less alone when I can hang out with him.’

‘Don’t you feel less alone with me?’

‘Well, yeah, when we’re actually together.’ Nick looked down at his shoes. ‘But in case you hadn’t noticed, that’s not an awful lot these days.’ He tried to keep the accusing tone out of his voice; it wasn’t Dave’s fault, after all. He knew it wasn’t easy for Dave, that his father demanded much of him and that George Thompson was a difficult man to stand up to. He didn’t blame Dave for anything. He hadn’t taken the easy way out. In many ways, this was the rockier path, but he had done what he felt he had to do.

And yet, when he’d been talking to Matt in the cafeteria not ten minutes ago, and he had been open and honest and hadn’t cared what people said or thought. It had felt so good to not have to hide. To have someone who could be nice to him even when others were looking.

Dave must have noticed something in his voice, because he turned away and leaned against the shed, running a hand through his hair. Then, without warning, he turned around and kicked the chain link fence, hard, several times. Nick blinked. Then he rushed to his side and took him by the arm.

‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Calm down! Okay? Take it easy.’

Dave’s body tensed, and then he went limp. He slid down to the ground, his back against the shed. Then his body shuddered as a sob escaped his lips.

Nick sat down next to him and put his arms around him, pulling him close. ‘It’s okay,’ he whispered, not knowing what else he could say.

‘It’s not,’ said Dave. ‘I’m weak. I feel so, I dunno, powerless. I’m such a coward! I’m sorry . . .’

Nick felt conflicted. Part of him wanted to tell Dave to act, then. Stand up to his dad, come out, show everyone who he was. He longed to be able to be himself around Dave in public. He longed to show the world his boyfriend. But he knew it wasn’t that simple, and the other part of him, the rational part, knew that happiness could never come that easily. Dave needed time, and he would give it to him, if that was the price he had to pay to be with him.

‘Don’t be sorry,’ said Nick, stroking Dave’s hair. ‘You’re brilliant. You just, you need time. I get it. One day, you’ll stand up to your dad and we can be together properly.’

‘I can’t even protect you,’ Dave whispered. ‘This is all because of me, and I can’t even protect you from all the bullies that are coming after you now.’

‘They’ll stop coming eventually,’ Nick assured him. ‘Trust me, I know how to deal with bullies. Eventually, they’ll give up. It’s only fun if I let them see that they hurt me. I’m not exactly helpless, I can handle myself. Okay?’

Dave drew a shuddering breath and nodded. Nick caressed his tearstained cheek. Then he leaned in to kiss him. Dave kissed him back, urgently, passionately, leaving Nick utterly breathless. Dave pulled him into his lap, and Nick straddled his thighs, clinging to his jumper, kissing him back.

They sat like that for rather a long time, and Nick felt himself getting hard, and could feel Dave’s erection against the inside of his thigh as well. His breathing was growing shallow, and his face hot.

‘This . . . This probably isn’t the best place,’ he panted, as Dave shifted beneath him and began to touch him through his trousers.

‘This is the only place,’ Dave replied. ‘Please. Just let me.’

The desperation in his voice was enough, and Nick nodded.

They each helped the other get his trousers and pants down. Then they stroked each other, looking into one another’s eyes. It didn’t take long. Dave came first, and Nick swallowed his cry with a deep kiss as Dave finished him off as well.

They cleaned themselves up as best they could with a pack of tissues Dave had in his pocket. Then they sat together in silence, holding hands. These were the moments now, Nick realised. These were the good times. He vowed to treasure them.

* * *

‘You know, this would be a lot easier if you’d just tell me how you’re doing,’ said Evan. He sat back in his chair, elbows resting on the armrests and fingers steepled before his face. ‘For both of us. I really want to help you, Nick.’

Nick sighed, looking away. ‘I know you do,’ he said quietly. ‘Everyone does.’

‘You didn’t tell me you were gay. Why not?’

Nick shrugged.

‘Were you afraid I wouldn’t accept you? Nick, it’s my job to listen to you and accept you. You do understand that?’

‘Guess I didn’t think it was any of your business. My sexuality has nothing to do with my mum.’

Evan leaned forwards and studied Nick’s face. ‘Your mother’s attempted suicide isn’t the only problem you have, though. Why won’t you talk to me about Craig?’

Nick flinched upon hearing the name. ‘Why should I?’ he said softly. ‘You already know what happened. I’ve told the story three times. Don’t see much point in telling it again.’

‘And your boyfriend? What about him?’

‘What about him?’ Nick retorted. ‘I don’t understand what you want me to say!’

‘I don’t want you to say anything in particular,’ said Evan. ‘I just want you to be honest with me, and with yourself.’

‘I am honest with myself! I just . . .’ Nick took a deep breath and looked Evan squarely in the eye. ‘Look. I talk to Dave and I talk to Mel. Okay? I don’t know you.’

‘It’s great that you talk to your friends,’ said Evan emphatically. ‘Really. You’re lucky to have them. Very lucky. A lot of the people who come to me, they haven’t got anyone else. But your friends aren’t mental health professionals. I am. I can help you in ways that they can’t, if you’ll just let me.’

‘You want me to trust you?’ asked Nick. ‘Fine. Tell me about yourself.’

‘We’re not here to talk about me—’

‘Humour me.’ They looked at each other for a few moments in silence, as if sizing each other up. Nick spoke again. ‘Tell me one detail about your life. A personal detail, not where you grew up or where you got your degree. Tell me . . . Tell me why you wanted to be a psychologist.’

Evan frowned. Looked away. Licked his lips nervously. He took off his glasses and polished them on the hem of his shirt. Then he replaced them and looked at Nick again.

‘My brother,’ he said. ‘Richard. He suffered from depression since we were kids. Not all the time, but enough of the time. Sometimes he just didn’t function at all. They tried to medicate him, didn’t work. We tried to help him but nothing worked. And in the end . . . he killed himself. He chose not to live anymore, because his life was dark and unbearable. I want to make sure fewer people make that choice. I want to help people like Richard. I want people to deal with their shit and live.’

Nick blinked. Maybe it was Evan’s sudden use of profanity that did it, but he smiled and nodded. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Let’s talk.’

* * *

‘So, no sign of Davey-boy manning up any time soon?’ asked Matt casually. Nick looked up at him and frowned.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, he’s not about to stand up to his dad or anything.’

‘He’ll get there,’ said Nick and turned back to the telly. ‘He just needs time. His dad isn’t easy to deal with.’

‘If it were me, I’d just tell him to stay the hell out of my life,’ said Matt. ‘None of his business.’

‘I’m sure you would. But your dad isn’t Dave’s dad,’ said Nick, smiling a half smile.

‘No,’ said Matt. ‘My dad would never do that to me, anyway. But I still say you deserve better.’

‘Maybe, but this is what I have, and it’s fine, I can live with it for now. If it has to be like this until college, or until Dave turns eighteen or whatever, so be it. What’s a few months, or a year and a bit?’

Matt muted the TV and turned on the sofa to face Nick. ‘I would treat you better.’

Nick laughed. ‘You? Mr. Love ’em and Leave ’em? How many people have you shagged again?’

‘I shag girls, I don’t fall for them. I fall for guys.’ The look on Matt’s face was serious. ‘You’re too good for Dave. You’re clever and brave and kind, and he’s just not. I used to think he was, but it’s obvious he’s not. You deserve someone who will br as kind to you as you are to the rest of the world. I don’t care what people think or say about me. I would only care about you.’

Nick blushed and looked away, not knowing what to say. Matt reached out and grabbed his hand. ‘Please. Give me a chance.’

Nick looked up at him, and before he knew it, Matt was cupping his face in his hands and kissing him. Not forcefully, like Alan had, but gently. Almost shyly. Nick drew a sharp breath through his nose and closed his eyes for a moment, out of impulse. But when his eyelids fluttered shut, all he could see was Dave. Dave glaring at him, shouting at him, smiling at him. Dave looking angry, awkward, happy. Dave’s blue eyes and blonde hair and red lips, parted, inviting. Dave holding his hand. Holding him. Kissing him.

He broke lip contact. ‘What—’ Nick swallowed. ‘What is it with guys randomly kissing me?’

‘Well, you’re very kissable,’ Matt replied.

Nick laughed softly. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry, Matt, but no. I can’t do this.’

Matt looked down. He stroked Nick’s cheek with his thumb and touched Nick’s forehead to his. Then he sighed. ‘Yeah, I was afraid of that. Had to try, though.’

Nick gently removed Matt’s hands from his face and pulled away from him. ‘Why?’ he asked simply.

Matt looked up at him and gave a half smile. ‘I don’t know,’ he said.

‘I thought you were Dave’s friend.’

‘I dunno about that . . .’ Matt leaned back in his seat again. ‘I had a crush on Dave. He rejected me, though. I thought it was because he was straight, but he was really nice about it and never told anyone. Then, when I thought he’d done the same to you I felt . . . empathy? I dunno. I thought maybe you and I could . . .’ He made a face. Then he smiled. ‘And then you told me you were really together and it was really confusing. It wasn’t fair of me to try. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s all right,’ said Nick. ‘You know, Dave and I have been through a lot by now… I haven’t really told you everything and I don’t think I can, to be frank… But I love him. So if he needs time to figure out how to do this, how to come out and stand up to his dad, I’ll give him that. He’s done so much for me.’

‘He so doesn’t deserve you,’ said Matt, grinning. Nick returned the grin.

‘I know,’ he said. ‘But hey, at least now we’re even. We’ve both kissed you. Feels like a rite of passage or something.’

Matt threw back his head and laughed outright at that. He picked up a fistful of popcorn and threw it at Nick, who giggled. Then Matt picked up the remote and they both turned their attention back to the telly.