Attraction - 20. Chapter 20 – Loose ends

There are days when we wake up and although the mind is numb, there’s a foreboding that something is not right. So we decide to lose that fleeting tranquility ourselves, ruing its loss as soon as it vanishes. My head was exploding at the time my eyes opened to daylight on Black Friday. I was comfortable, yet the familiarity of waking up in my own bed, under my own covers, wrapped in the arms of my own boyfriend felt unreal. Wait a second, whose arms were around me again?

I sat up jerkily to take a closer look. It was Kent alright, how did he get here? Oh, the head! Hazy pictures of the previous night flashed across my mind. Kent slumped against the door, my stumbling body being held up by someone, Clinton’s worried face, shattered glass of scotch, mocking eyes of .. of the train guy? Filling in the details would have required much better powers of coherence so I plopped right back into the bed. Kent dragged me into him and mumbled something that sounded like, ‘go to sleep’. I couldn’t be bothered to check if I had heard right. Slumber took over easily.

I woke up again at Kent’s cooing into my ear.

“Wake up sleepy.” He was trying to raise my head.

“Mmm.”

“Drink this,” he was holding a glass to my mouth, “you’ll feel better.”

I sipped whatever he was offering without opening my eyes, it was orange juice, I ascertained, before gulping more of it.

“Easy, you don’t wanna overdo it.”

I finally had the energy to try and open my eyes. First thing I saw were his golden & green beacons of love shining down on me. I had looked into them many times and felt at a loss to explain why they held so much compassion and security. Nothing can go wrong in this world if Kent could look at me thus.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked.

“You mean here in your bed?” he asked leeringly.

“Everything. I don’t remember anything from last night.”

“Well, I took the next flight out of San Fancisco after you. You weren’t here when I came so I waited outside. Some guy brought you home, never seen him before, said his name was Carter. You jumped into my arms as soon as you saw me and I put your whiny ass to bed.”

“Carter, or Clinton?” I asked suspiciously.

“I don’t know, I thought he said Carter. Doesn’t matter.”

‘Oh it does’, I thought but did not say it out loud. Kent held my face in his hands and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.

“Let’s get fresh and go grab some breakfast. You’d feel better with some food in you.”

I agreed, but held on to him tightly to enjoy his body’s warmth some more. I knew we were going to talk about the previous day and stalling was in order. God, had it only been one day since my Mom ruined my relationship? May be she hadn’t succeeded completely given Kent and I were here chest to chest.

“Get up. I’m not getting frisky with a stinky man like you.” Oops, he was right. I was a bit ripe. We showered together, Kent cleaning me up eagerly. Then he picked out my clothes, I returned the favor. We decided to go for waffles. For the most part our conversation remained on neutral topics because neither of us seemed ready for serious stuff.

“You wanna go shopping later?” He asked. I shrugged, it was OK either way. We waited quietly for our orders. When some food finally went into my stomach I decided to address the elephant.

“Kent. Why do you love me?”

If our roles had been reversed, and Kent had asked me this question, I would have blown a casket. Kent merely wiped his mouth and looked around.

“Do you want to talk about that here?”

I knew what he meant and in reply, got up to leave. On the walk back we were silent again. This was perhaps going to be the most critical conversation of our relationship. I had done the asking, but where his answer might lead us, I did not know. Was I prepared to find out?

I made a beeline for the kitchen when we were inside the apartment. I needed a glass of water badly. Kent came to stand by the wall, leaning on it, watching me.

“I love how clueless you are about your own goodness.” He had begun his answer. He went about it unhurriedly. “When I met you for the first time, I knew you were interested in me, but I also saw how artless your courting was. There was no posing or attention seeking. You spent more time talking with Jenny for God’s sake. Trevor had told me you and him were close and I did not see you talk to each other during the game. But I could see genuine fondness between the two of you. That’s what I liked. Everything about you is genuine. If you are involved in something, it’s complete. You never fake it. How you were there for me when I was sick, for Jenny when she found out about the baby. How you did not want to abandon your mother even if it meant risking your own happiness. Even when you left yesterday, you made sure she was not stranded with strangers. You never shirk from a responsibility. And it’s never a big deal either. You don’t care that there are people in this world for whom it’s perfectly reasonable to be selfish and artificial and to think only of their own selves.” He let out a chuckle, “Funniest thing of all is that you think you’re self-obsessed. Yet every time we have sex you are more attentive to me than your own pleasure…. You love to give Jon. And I want to be the guy who gives ‘you’ everything and takes care of you. You asked me a very easy question. I love you for the genuine, caring, responsible, loving man that you are.”

I was feeling like I was at a sea shore weathering a tide. His words were coming to me as waves and by the time he finished I had sunk to the floor and was sitting with my arms hugging my knees. Kent had not come forward. He was standing there, by the door. My blurry eyes were focused on his beautiful feet.

“I never meant to put you on a spot, Jon. But I think now is a good time for us to discuss this.”

I looked up. What did he want to know? His eyes were clear, intense.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes,” it was effortless to say that. I did love him.

“Why?”

Why? Why? I had never thought about it. Hell I had never even said it aloud before. He was looking at me expectantly. I lowered my eyes to the floor.

“I.. I guess. I guess I love you because you’re the only man who’s cared about me. You’re good looking, successful, you can have anyone you want. And you want me. It’s like, like a dream to be loved by someone like you.” I did not know how to go on.

Kent’s feet came towards me, then he kneeled. He lifted my face and kissed me gently.

“Thanks, Jon.” Thanks? “But I am coming to understand the issue here.” What issue? I began to panic but he held my face in place to continue. “It’s partly my fault as I keep piling affection on you. You’ve never had chance to examine what you see in me. You’ve not had time to go beyond how I look and how I treat you. I don’t just want to be a treasure you’re afraid to lose because of how valuable you perceive it to be, Jon. I love you and in my heart I know you love me too. But you need to find out what I mean to you and what we mean to each other. And until you do that, we’ll not be happy together. I can’t force it on you which is what I’ve been doing so far.”

He placed another kiss and got up. I scrambled up to my feet. “Where’re you going?”

“I think I’ll go back to San Francisco. We need some time apart.”

“No we don’t.” Kent stopped and turned.

“Yes we do, Jon. Do you know, last night, you said a lot of things before I put you to bed. You thought were going to break up. That you couldn’t imagine what I was doing with a loser”, here he made air quotes, “like you. You said how grateful you are that I love you. I know I should not attach too much importance to your words when you’re drunk. But you said pretty much the same thing now. I don’t want your gratefulness, Jon. I don’t want you to be with me because you think I’m just some Hot Shot as you and Jenny call me. It needs to be deeper than that.”

I was left speechless now. He was not wrong in what he was saying. Everything he said so far was irrefutable. I had always only worried about how he could love someone like me, never stopping to think what I wanted from him. He went into the bedroom and after a bit came back with his travel bag. I had remained rooted to the spot he had left me in.

“When will I talk to you again?”

Kent dropped his bag and drew me into a hug.

“I think you need to take some time to decide what you want, Jon. It’s in your hands. You know I love you. I think you are someone I can spend my life with. But you need to decide if you want that. Don’t just do it because the situation demands you to. I’ll be there when you think you know.”

I nodded against his chest. My heart was beating something fierce. So was his. “I made a set of keys for you. Will you take those?” I asked in a pleading voice. Tears were flowing easily.

He sighed. “No. Not yet. I want you to feel free when you’re figuring things out. And we don’t want run-ins like last night till we know for sure.”

I raised my head. “What run-in? What’re you talking about?”

“You don’t remember. Don’t worry, it’ll come back to you later. Or you can ask Carter.”

“Who the fuck is Carter?”

“His number is in your phone.”

Kent kissed my forehead and slipped quietly out of my apartment. An immense dread came over me. Was he also getting out of my life?