Attraction - 22. Chapter 22 – Why

I knew this me. Jenny and Clinton both tried to understand what I meant. They wanted to know if I had asked Carter up or if he had invited himself. Who cared? No matter how drunk I was, I was ready to spend the night with a random guy. Granted, I had lusted after him for long. But I had a boyfriend! What did it say about my resolve? I had slept with countless men I wasn’t interested in, just because I needed an itch scratched. It was that same lack of self-respect I had demonstrated on Thursday night. What kind of partner was I ever going to be?

Although Jenny wanted to come with, I decided to go back home by myself. I asked her to collect her stuff later. My temporary bout of self-confidence washed away, I found myself back in the bed. In my heart I knew that Kent would forgive me any mistake I made. How many would it take for him to snap though? And I was still nowhere near the answers that he needed me to find.

Next day I decided to work from home. I wanted to avoid Carter as well as Trevor. Work I could handle, people - I did not want to see. Friend or foe, no one was ready to leave me alone. First, I received a message from Jenny - “Are you alright?’. Yes, I answered ‘lots a work, catchup with ya later’. Then Trevor – ‘Are you coming to office today?’ I sent back a simple – WFH. The third message threw me off.

Carter: ‘Hey sexy! Missed you on the train.’

What the fuck was that all about? Who was this guy? For months I had tried to get his attention and he had ignored me. Now I was his ‘sexy’? I was really, really angry now. Angry at this Carter fellow whoever he was. What was he doing there that night when I was at my lowest? I found him desirable, agreed, but where did his sudden interest in me rise from? It was not like I had become a hunk overnight. I decided, no matter if Kent and I got back together, I needed to take care of this guy’s deal first. He picked up after two rings.

“Hey! Morning sunshine.”

“Hi…” I did not know how to begin.

“So? All well in the paradise? Is that yummy boyfriend of yours still in town?”

The mention of Kent got me started. “About that, listen: whatever happened that night, it was a mistake. I did not mean to lead you on.”

“Oh yeah?” his tone was whiney and sarcastic. It was so different from my fantasies. “So you’re saying that the shit you fed me about lusting after me for months was like, a lie?”

I cringed. “No. No that wasn’t a lie. But that was harmless infatuation. And it was before I met Kent.”

“Who cares? You know you want me.”

His tone was pissing me off. “All these months, you never noticed me. How is it that you’re interested in me now?”

“Well, let’s see. I ‘had’ seen you before, I didn’t think you’re my type. That night at the bar I found out like, how you’d been pining after me. I thought like OK.” He was going to pity fuck me? “Whatever. If you don’t want it, I don’t care. You seem as stuck up as your boyfriend anyway. Who wants that?”

“What? What do you mean he’s stuck up? And don’t say shit about my boyfriend.”

“Well, when I came up to your floor and he was there, I told him how I was going to make your dreams come true, and that I was totally into doing a threesome if he wanted. But he turned up his nose and said ‘thank you, I’d have to decline’. You passed out as soon as you fell in his arms. I guess I just wasted my cab fare.”

The more I talked to him the more I wondered what a miserable piece of shit I was. This was the guy I had worked myself into delirium over every day for so many months? I had cursed all the Gods for creating men like him and making them out of reach from plebes like me. Good Lord! I wouldn’t touch him with a tent pole now. There was obviously no point in talking further. I had just one last thing I wanted to clear up.

“Alright, I get it. Sorry about that. I was curious about one thing, can I ask you what?”

“Sure, go ahead.” His tone was a mix of bored and caustic.

“What were you doing in the bar that night?”

“Why? Is it illegal to go to the same bar as you?”

“No, I mean.”

“I know what you mean. I don’t go to that douchey place normally. My stupid boyfriend cancelled our trip. I was pissed off and didn’t want him to find me.”

So he had a boyfriend? That was it.

“Carter, thanks for talking to me. Again, I’m sorry if I made promises that I couldn’t keep. Please forget anything I told you.”

“Don’t worry. You’re already forgotten.” He hung up. That went well.

I tossed my phone away and started jumping for joy. The sky outside was grey but inside me was sunny as a July sky. My excitement was interrupted by the phone ringing. Who was it again? I looked at the caller ID and it said Trevor. O-oh.

“Hey. Trev?.” I answered cautiously.

He sounded equally wary, “Are you alright? I got your text.”

“Yea I just, I wanted to stay home.”

“I thought so.” My stupidity had so many witnesses. “I think you guys are being a bit too dramatic” he continued. “Anyway, I wanted to talk face to face. I’m coming over. Make sure your place is clean. Don’t complain later that I didn’t warn you.”

“Okay.”

“See you in half an hour.” He said before hanging up.

What was with the warning? Was he brining someone with him? It could only be Cara. I did not have time to ponder as I got busy. Clothes needed to be hidden in the closet, bathroom needed a freshening. When Trevor knocked, I was pulling a fresh t-shirt on. I opened the door while still fitting my head into it, not seeing immediately who was on the other side. When my head was free, I forgot to drag the clothing all the way down to cover myself.

“Won’t you invite us in?” Pat asked me with a light smile.

I looked at him, then Trevor, then down at my still exposed torso, before pulling the shirt hastily and stepping aside. “Please, do come in.” I could not help glaring at Trevor who braved it stonily.

“You know why I’m here don’t you?” Boy, I was hoping to get an easy in.

“I… I guess so, Pat. Did Kent speak to you and Lydia?”

“No. No he didn’t. He spoke to Cara though. More like she got it out of him. She didn’t tell us the details but I’m led to believe that Kent and you are taking a break from each other?” He had been glancing over my book collection as he talked but at this point he stopped and held my gaze. I was definitely intimidated.

“My son has been a right mess after he came back from here. I’ve seen him like that before. You know the story. I had been afraid he’d become one of those lonely men, rudderless because they cannot find peace in life. Men without anchor. It took him a long time to discover what would make him happy.” He paused here for effect.

“I haven’t seen him as happy as he's been in these last few months since he was a kid. He seems to think you could be his anchor. And I think he may be right. All I came to ask you is this: do you think that you want the same thing? Because if you don’t, it’s better you let him off the hook right away. He’ll suffer no doubt. We’ll take care of him. At least he won’t be hanging on false hope. Don’t dilly-dally. If you want to be with him, you’d know. Right now, you’d know. Rest is just details to be taken care of.”

Much better than his son had done, Pat had well and truly put me on the spot. It was a good thing that for once in my life I was prepared for the challenge.

I had been in Pat and Lydia’s house only days ago, and at the time of leaving I had thought I’ll not set foot there again. Memories of that humiliation were still fresh in my mind as I found myself inside it's walls again. I was less agitated this time. I did not care if I belonged here or not. Kent was here, and that's all that mattered. Once again Cara met me in the hallway, she hugged me. Quietly then, I stepped inside the room Kent and I had shared four nights earlier. It was dark; I could make out my boyfriend’s figure wrapped in the quilt. Wordlessly, I took my shoes and jacket off, and slipped under the covers.

Upon feeling my presence, Kent opened his eyes and blinked expressionlessly at first. On my elbow, I smiled down at him. My lovely Kent, had I done this to him? Was I the reason behind his misery? I did not know what we were doing exactly; it seemed we were pouring out our feelings through our eyes. I could definitely see the same unconditional love reappear in his. Hope I was conveying my acceptance and reciprocation. I wished him to know that although there would always many demons of doubt that I’d have to fight, there was no doubt in my mind about what he meant to me.

Finally his face broke into that gorgeous, heart stopping smile. We rolled in the bed, making noises both happy and slushy. Before we got too carried away though I paused our giddy make out to say,

“You’d asked me a question, love, and I have an answer for you. I want to say it before I forget the words. It’s only taken me six months to form them.”

Kent gave me his attention, not bothering to suppress his smile.

“I. Love. You. Why? I cannot write a thesis on it like you. All I know is, when you look at me like this” I kissed his eyes, “I feel worthy of being alive.”

That was it. That would have to do. If it was not flowery enough for him - well, tough luck!