Advent - 2. Chapter 2 - December 4th - St. John of Damascus

December 4^th – St. John of Damascus

From Catholic Online:

“The biography of John of Damascus recounts at least one episode deemed to be improbable or legendary. It reports that Leo III sent forged documents to the caliph which implicated John in a plot to attack Damascus. The caliph then ordered John's right hand be cut off and hung up in public view. Some days afterwards, John asked for the restitution of his hand, and prayed fervently to the Theotokos before her icon: thereupon, his hand is said to have been miraculously restored.”

****************

Danny drove to work on his usual route distractedly. He almost turned at the wrong place, against traffic on a one way street but noticed just in time. He’d heard a few honks and an angry woman on a bicycle had raised her fist and mouthed swear words at him, but he didn’t know what they were. They were just empty words that left a pale fog of fury in the cold air. He wondered if Cayden would be around today.

He knew where that errant thought came from. Over the weekend he’d told Brian about Cayden, what little he really knew. Danny hadn’t wanted to at first. But it came welling up from inside him. He couldn’t NOT tell Brian. He told his husband everything.

A little part of him hoped to get a reaction. He felt a little guilty for trying to goad Brian into yelling at him and raging at his betrayal, not that they’d done anything. At one time, Brian wouldn’t have taken such an open act of treason so well. He’d have raged hard at Danny calling him names and accusing him of all kinds of terrible things.

Not anymore. But before it had been bad, really bad.

Danny and Brian had met in college and fallen hard for one another. They’d fallen so hard Danny finally came out to his family and friends. Brian had been so good about that. He was supportive and loving and there for him while Danny’s mother gave him the silent treatment and his brother had said those nasty things to him. In the end, everyone accepted him, just as Brian had foretold.

Then they went to a party. Danny hadn’t meant to flirt so brazenly with the guy. He was gorgeous though. It was pretty obvious the guy was into him. He couldn’t resist. They’d just talked and even touched a little but nothing more than social teasing. Danny certainly hadn’t done anything more than Brian always did.

Brian was a big man, tall and domineering in social settings. He always flirted openly with both women and men and wasn’t shy about it. Danny wasn’t like that. He found socializing a bit difficult but that guy at that party was different. He was so beautiful, so he just talked and laughed with him. It felt good to be more engaging than normal. The hunk had been so receptive to his innuendos and using funny double entendre. But then Brian saw them, heard them laughing together.

Brian had put a quick stop to their conversation. His man had inserted himself, wrapped those big, long arms around Danny and shut down their playful chat. He’d growled into Danny’s ear that it was time to go. Danny reluctantly agreed and in cold discomfort the two of them left that party. Wow! That was over ten, almost twelve years ago now but he could remember their fight that night like it was last week.

Brian informed Danny he was NOT to carry on like that again. Danny tried to explain they’d just been talking but Brian wasn’t having it. He could still hear his future husband’s furious words.

“I will not have the love of my life hitting on men right in front of me,” Brian shouted. They were in the kitchen of their shared apartment right off campus.

“Why? You flirt with guys all the time. Why can’t I have a little fun too?” Danny had raged back just as hard. He was hurt Brian would think he’d cheat on him. He was just having a little fun. It was the same thing Brian himself did. What’s the problem?

“That’s different,” Brian said, his eyes flashing. “My flirting with people doesn’t mean anything. I tease and joke with guys because I have to. It’s what I was made to do. That’s not true of you.”

“You’re quite a piece of work Brian O’Malley. So you can hit on guys all you want but I have to be all prim and proper. No way. That’s not fair and it isn’t going to happen. If I want to meet other people and talk a little I’m going to. You can’t stop me.”

“Oh yes I can,” Brian turned and grabbed Danny by the shoulders. “I can stop you and I will goddammit. You’re mine. You don’t get to make other guys want you. I couldn’t stand seeing him look at you that way. Fuck!” he’d shouted and pushed Danny away.

“You’re just a hypocrite,” Danny yelled back and grabbed Brian’s arm. “You think I like watching you make goo-goo eyes at other guys? Well, do you?”

“I can’t help it,” Brian said more softly. “But with me it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean shit.” And he started to cry.

Danny paused and thought about Brian’s words. Brian joked and talked and laughed heartily. He was made to flirt and tease others. That was true. But, when he said it didn’t mean anything, Danny understood that as well.

He never felt threatened by Brian’s behavior. In the end, he knew, deep down, Brian would always come back to him. It wasn’t something they’d even discussed but Danny seemed to know it anyway. Brian’s actions were always open and aboveboard. There wasn’t any real heat in his social interactions. It was just play.

Danny could feel the shame begin rising on his face from his chest. The things he’d been thinking about that other guy, the gorgeous one at the party weren’t innocent or open. They’d been downright filthy. He’d been imagining the two of them together and what that man would do to him. Danny had thought about how his body would feel next to him. It was different.

Oh God, it was different. Brian was right. Danny felt guilt creep in on top of the shame.

For Brian the flirtation was a game to play without winners or losers. For Danny, the object had been to entice, excite, and capture his prey. It was like how he’d caught Brian in the first place. He’d seduced him. He caught Brian in a net of his intentions and made him love him. Danny then realized Brian had known all along what made Danny tick. Danny had made Brian his prey.

It was different. They were different.

So, from then on, Danny was careful about his interactions with other men, especially gay ones. Brian would occasionally interrupt or carry Danny away but it was never like that first time. It was never like with the gorgeous guy at the party but it never really mattered to Brian.

Danny was his and Brian was a very possessive man.

So this weekend he’d told Brian about Cayden hoping to get his husband to fly into a rage about it. He always had in the past. In fact Danny had told him some of his secret thoughts about Cayden. It hadn’t changed a thing. He’d have given his right arm to have Brian yell at him for his impure thoughts. But, he hadn’t.

By Sunday night, he’d given up, at least more than he’d done so previously. Now, it was Monday morning and time for work. Over the weekend the warmth had dissipated and it was cold. It wasn’t as bitterly cold as it would get in January and February but still too cold to be comfortable outside for long. Danny was wearing the winter coat Brian had bought him for Christmas three years ago. It wasn’t his warmest coat but it was his favorite, cashmere, black, long, with walnut buttons. Its touch was like Brian’s, soft and warm, almost cuddly in its care.

God, he was really losing his mind thinking a coat could cuddle him.

Danny parked in the underground garage at work but instead of going up to the office, he took a detour. He wanted to see if Cayden was outside, smoking in the cold December weather. He went to the courtyard but didn’t see him. He sat on a planter and looked out at the dead flowers in the planters. He’d never felt so alone.

“What’re you doing out here?” he heard the deep bass voice ask. Cayden’s honey brown eyes were looking at him with curiosity. Danny felt a deep chill travel through his body. He stood up quickly and gave the other man a fake smile.

“I was just thinking about things,” he lied.

Cayden was holding a cigarette in his splayed hand that was gloved in leather. “Why are you thinking out here in the cold?”

“It seemed to match my mood,” Danny said despondently. He felt that voice warm his insides, just a bit. The smile he gave Cayden next was more honest. His presence had made him feel a little better.

Cayden took a hit off his smoke and looked at him even more closely. He shook his brown hair and pursed his lips. “So you’re married?” he asked softly, the rumble sounding hesitant, unsure.

“Yeah, but?” Danny asked looking at Cayden’s eyelashes which were incredibly long and dainty.

“You’re wearing a wedding band,” Cayden answered and pointed to Danny’s left hand. Reflexively, Danny covered it with his right.

“I guess I’m technically still married but I don’t know. I’m not really. Not anymore,” Danny couldn’t help but think about his visit with Brian in that cold impersonal space.

“Let me finish this and we’ll get a coffee and talk,” Cayden said. His eyes spoke of concern and care. Danny hadn’t felt that from another in quite some time. His family and friends looked at him with pity and a little fear, but he didn’t feel any concern in them.

“Okay,” Danny said and looked at his wedding band. It was a simple thing, white gold with a slightly raised pattern on it. Brian bought his ring right out of college and presented it on bended knee after a nice dinner. Danny put it on and never, ever took it off. Brian had a matching one that was still on his finger. Danny had seen it this weekend but it wasn’t the same. Not anymore.

After quickly finishing his smoke, Cayden took Danny by the elbow and led him to the coffee house inside the building. Most of the downtown buildings in Minneapolis were connected on the second story by skyways. On those second stories little shops and restaurants had filled the buildings supplying coffee, Chinese food, convenience stores, burgers, and other services to the thousands of office workers. There was a Caribou where Danny saw Cayden from time to time and they went there. Cayden deposited the stricken man in at a table and went to the counter.

Danny couldn’t stop looking at his ring. ‘What’s going on with me?’ he thought abstractly as the light sparkled on the silver metal. ‘Why am I acting so strangely?’

Cayden returned with two steaming paper cups. He set one in front of Danny who he noticed was still shaking. “I just need to call work and tell them I’ll be late,” Cayden said patting Danny’s hand.

“No!” Danny muttered. “I mean, I need to go to work too.”

“Nonsense,” Cayden said firmly and hit a button. “We’re going to talk about your husband and why you’re shaking like a leaf.”

“It’s nothing, well, not nothing but I’ll be fine,” Danny said but his hands were trembling and he felt a frog nestled uncomfortably in his throat. “You don’t need…”

Cayden shushed him with a finger to his lips. “Yeah, Shelly? Hey, I’ve got a friend who’s in trouble. I’ll be in a little late. Can you tell Mitch for me? I’m just downstairs at Caribou. This is important.”

Danny tried to interject but Cayden wasn’t having it. He silenced him with a quick shake of his head.

“That’s all ready for him. It’s on my desk. I’ll be up in a little bit,” Cayden sounded so sure of himself and commanding. He wasn’t meek at all. Danny liked that but looked back at his ring and shuddered.

“Okay, all’s quiet on the office front. Now, tell me about what’s happening with you and your husband.”

“He’s in a coma,” Danny said quietly.

“Oh,” Cayden said softly after a long pause. “I’m so sorry.” When other people said those words, and it was always those words, they seemed to ring empty, thoughtless. But Cayden’s deep voice conveyed actual concern and meaning. Danny felt his throat open up a little. He wasn’t choking any longer.

“This year, well, do you remember the April Fool’s Day blizzard?” Danny asked, his voice almost empty of emotion.

“Yeah, it was pretty bad. I was running late and ended up working from home,” Cayden said nodding and watching Danny closely. “Was it an accident?”

“Yeah. We were going to the airport to fly to San Francisco for a long weekend when a truck skidded into us on Crosstown.” Danny unconsciously rubbed the scar on his forehead. He’d experienced a nasty bump and gash there when the car slammed into a pillar. He’d bounced against the airbag and smashed into the side window but it wasn’t too bad. Brian had been driving and his airbag hadn’t deployed. His head and neck were crushed by the side mirror of the truck that rammed into them.

As he explained the accident and its aftermath to Cayden, he could see the empathy in those honey colored eyes. It opened up the floodgates and all the hurt and sadness came gushing out.

To a guy who was practically a stranger. But he listened. That was all Danny needed right now.

As Danny poured out his heart, Cayden felt his heart break for the guy. It was terrible to hear but for some reason, he just listened. ‘Why him?’ he thought.

He couldn’t explain why he was doing this, listening to Danny tell his tale, but he had to. This past weekend he’d went to the Saloon with Carrie and told her all about the strange man who pretended to smoke just to meet him. It was a hilarious story and Carrie had him convinced the guy was a lunatic. Now, he wasn’t so sure. Danny wasn’t really weird. He was just hurting and dealing with an impossible situation; a husband on life support.

Danny explained the doctors had given up on Brian responding to treatment. Hell, Brian’s own parents had pleaded with him to pull the plug, as it were. His friends and family had all told Danny to make the call but he couldn’t. Danny told him how he still hoped Brian would recover, at least somewhat. But each passing week confirmed the doctors and everyone else’s gloomy convictions.

Brian was gone from his body. Sure the machines kept him breathing and his heart beating but there was no more Brian left in there. Then Danny told him about this past weekend and Cayden’s heart leaped again. He thought about me? He told Brian about him hoping to make his husband wake up and take notice? That was creepy in a way, but another part of Cayden’s brain was pleased.

Danny wasn’t a beautiful man but he was pleasant looking with dark brown hair and baby blue eyes that expressed an array of emotions that spoke to you. His face was careworn and his lips were full and pale. Cayden couldn’t explain his feelings but he knew he cared about this man. He didn’t know why, but he did. Perhaps it was just plain ordinary sympathy for another human being but that wasn’t it.

His ex-boyfriend had accused Cayden of having ice water running through his veins but he didn’t. He cared deeply but with Brad it just hadn’t worked. Now, Danny was making his blood run quickly, warmly.

Danny had stopped talking and Cayden noticed he was holding the other man’s hand. He glanced about nervously but no one seemed to have noticed. It was like the two of them were invisible in this world of crowds racing from office to errand and back again. He smiled at Danny. Danny seemed to respond with his own lips arching but his eyes were like the waters on a lake when a storm hit. They seemed to reflect turmoil and waves of emotion crashing on the rocks.

“Sounds like you’ve had a terrible year,” Cayden said breaking the silence. Danny just nodded and wiped his quiet tears from his cheek.

Danny’s emotions were mixed. After spilling his guts, he felt lighter, less burdened. But the guilt came in waves because now he’d told his story and was sitting there with a stranger holding his hand. He couldn’t bring himself to pull away though. He just looked at Cayden’s long fingers gently caressing his palm. He felt relieved, safe, ashamed, and free all at the same time.

How do you feel all those things at once? Danny didn’t know but he did. He felt something lift from him and it made him feel better.

“I should really get to work,” Danny said after another moment of stalled conversation. Cayden nodded. He let go of Danny’s hand and that didn’t feel right. But, he didn’t know what else to do.

“If you want to talk later…” Cayden said leaving the question open for discussion.

“Naw, I don’t need to burden you with my shit,” Danny swore suddenly, feeling aware of his actions and surroundings. He began to stand up and Cayden followed. Before they left the store, Cayden hugged him. It wasn’t a half hug or a sympathetic embrace but a firm hold of two men body to body touching at length.

“I mean it,” Cayden whispered in Danny’s ear. “We can talk anytime you want.”

“Thanks,” Danny answered and pulled away from the other man. This was hard. He hadn’t felt another man in quite some time. Not like this and not in this way. He was embarrassed he felt himself respond to Cayden, becoming aroused. It felt weird, feeling so excited. He felt like he was cheating. Brian would wake up and Danny was thinking about, hell feeling up, another man.

“I need to get to work,” Danny said and Cayden nodded.

“See you later?” Cayden asked raising an eyebrow. Danny sheepishly smiled back.

“Thanks for the talk, and the, um, hug I guess,” his words fell over one another.

“Anytime,” Cayden said.

Danny went to work and never left his desk except for water and the bathroom. He purposely avoided going outside. It was cold out there and he didn’t want to ruin the day for Cayden. He’d already filled the other man with his terrible life story. It wouldn’t do to make things worse.

That night he didn’t cry. He didn’t need to. Brian wasn’t there anymore to cry over. Brian was gone. He knew that now and it didn’t hurt so much.

He just needed to say goodbye.