The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 14. Chapter 14

Thursday

- What did he say?

That's what has been plaguing my mind all day today after Jimmy LaPlane left my house. When he was talking to Brandon, when he was scheming and manipulating and embedding his version of reality into the mind of the boy I loved more than anything in this world...what did he actually say to him? God, what he must have thought of me. No wonder he refused to talk to me.

I wasn't even around to defend myself. There was no second side to the coin. No three-dimensional argument available for anyone to cast judgement. In Brandon's eyes...was I just portrayed as some kind of heartless asshole who never cared at all? Did he totally paint a picture of some brutal, unfeeling, tyrant that took advantage of Brandon's heart and victimized him to the point of an emotional breakdown? In Brandon's mind...was this all my fault?

I was stuck with these feelings as I gave Jimmy a kiss on the lips goodbye this afternoon. Because, while I was able to overlook his deception in the beginning...something about seeing the happy grin on his face today turned my stomach upside down.

I don't know why. It's not like I can claim any kind of supreme or righteous status in all of this. I slept with Jimmy. A LOT! We had so much sex that I can hardly even consider it a 'fling' anymore. And it felt good! It really did. But I can't help but feel like I've been tricked into it somehow.

Maybe that's just some psychological defense mechanism that jumped up suddenly to protect me from accepting the blame in my willing participation in this madness. But I felt it in my gut. And I was beginning to have more regrets than benefits in this situation. I think it had a lot to do with a weird dream that I had this morning when I waking up.

I can only remember bits and pieces of it, but I remember that I was kissing and cuddling on the couch in my living room with Brandon. I was so happy. So blissfully happy. I felt like I had everything that I could ever want in my life at that moment. Everything I had been through up until that point...was all worth it. SO worth it.

And then...the phone call....

In my dream mind, I don't even remember what the phone call said...but the message was clear. Jimmy cut his wrists open again...and this time, he didn't make it. He killed himself...because of me. :( Because I had broken his heart and left him behind. He blamed me for everything, and took all of that anger and hatred into the afterlife with him. Mad at ME...just because I wanted to be happy with someone else. And I didn't even have a chance to explain.

In the dream, I was at the funeral, dressed up, seeing Jimmy lying in a casket....so lifeless. So alone. There was no chance of forgiveness now. No way for me to make things right. He was gone. Forever. And it was all my fault.

I remember seeing his mom, and trying to say that I was sooooo sorry for what happened. The utter rage and sorrow in her eyes was more heartbreaking than anything that I had ever seen before. She drew her hand back and slapped me HARD across the face for even having the audacity to show up at her son's funeral. She loved him soooo much. So many people showed up to pay their respects. And they looked at me as though I was the devil himself.

It was the slap that woke me up. I jumped and gasped for air, wondering what the hell had happened. It felt so real. So very real.

I felt guilty at first, but as the day progressed...I began to feel more and more resentful for Jimmy even putting me in that position. It was SO unfair! It's not my fault that I fell deeply in love with someone else. I'm not responsible for the rest of Jimmy's love life. It made me angry, thinking that he would BLAME me for giving my heart to someone who I loved so completely, and who loved me unconditionally in return. I HATED to break Jimmy's heart! I really did! But Brandon was everything to me. He was what my heart desired most. He cared about me. He loved me. He was someone that told me that I was beautiful every chance that he got. Someone that I, honestly, imagined growing old with someday. And Jimmy's death just seemed like another unfortunate wedge between us that would never go away. Not ever.

His final punishment for me not loving him the way he wanted me to.

Is that weird? I felt really sad for Jimmy too. But...I couldn't help but feel like he killed himself just to teach me a lesson. And it hurt more than you can imagine. I honestly felt like I wanted to throw up when I sat up in my bed. Luckily, I didn't.

Anyway, so yeah, Jimmy came over today. But this time, I was a bit more hesitant about what was going on between us.

I mean, Jimmy rang the doorbell, kissed me on the lips as he stepped into the house, and immediately headed towards my bedroom room. He was just making small talk at random as he pulled his shirt off, expecting another hot afternoon full of sex and making out and naughty times together with me sinking myself balls deep in that tight, moist, hole of his. He was there to make love. But...we didn't.

We just...didn't.

I saw Jimmy getting undressed, and while I was tempted (and already getting hard, might I add), I actually gathered up some courage and some common sense and said, "Dude...can we...like...not? Not today, ok?"

Jimmy looked really confused at first. It was almost the same kind of look that I imagined Robin would have had on his face the first time I called 'just to talk' to him on the phone. Jimmy was like, "What? You mean...you don't want to?"

I said, "Just...not today. I mean...maybe some other time, but...I figured maybe we could do something else." Maybe it was a test. Something to see if he would take the same disgusted route that AJ would have taken the moment I turned down some hot physical affection on a Thursday afternoon. Instead, Jimmy did the exact opposite.

Instead of being upset and insulted...the biggest smile spread out across Jimmy's face. I think he fell even deeper in love at that moment than he was before. If that's even possible. He was like, "Wow, look at YOU...being a gentleman! Omigod, that's so cute!" Jimmy wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me deeply on the lips, his body trembling with excitement. He really was happy about the idea of me not just inviting him over to violate him over and over again. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I still don't.

Instead, Jimmy and I spent a few hours just talking about random stuff and being friends, you know? And I really LIKED being Jimmy's friend! He still knew how to make me smile. He could make me think about my life in different ways, and was so enthusiastic about just being around me that it inflated my personal ego to monumental proportions sometimes. Hehehe, he really was cute when he wanted to be. And there were a few times when I let that momentary infatuation take over...and I'd lean over and kiss Jimmy briefly on the lips while he was in mid sentence. It made him blush and giggle every single time.

But...

I felt weird about it just moments later. It hurt, you know? I was just...not getting what I wanted out of this whole setup. I thought about maybe having sex with him just once today. Just a quickie to satisfy his urges and make me feel good about having Jimmy over in the first place. But...like I said...I didn't. I don't understand. Jimmy and I were so happy. What changed? What happened to make this arrangement seem so dull and unimportant. Because that's how it felt....

...Dull and unimportant.

So here I am again. Having what I don't want. Wanting what I can't have. whatever.

I saw Jimmy putting his shoes on just before he left, and I was like, "So...Trace got himself into a bit of trouble the other night. A lot of drinking. I think my dad is going to strap him to the bed like a mental patient for the next few weeks, just to make sure he stays put."

Jimmy snickered a bit, but then he said, "Trace...that's the boy you asked me about, right? To see if he was...gay, or whatever?" I thought it was odd that that was the first thing that came to Jimmy's mind. not...is he ok, or what happened, or anything. Just...is he the one I might have shown interest in at one point.

I answered him, like, "Yeah. That's the one. He's a close friend of mine."

And Jimmy was like, "That's cool. I don't think he's gay though. He seems straight as an arrow to me. I mean...what do you think?"

He was looking right at me at the time, and....I don't know...this anger began to build in the pit of my stomach. I hid it as best as I could, but his subtle jealousy was so evident that it forced me to grit my teeth and stare daggers in his direction. I was like, "Yeah....prolly not." But deep down, I wanted to reach out choke Jimmy until he passed out for even saying that.

It started a chain reaction within me. What might Jimmy say to Trace about me behind my back if he thought he needed to be out of the picture? How would Trace see me once Jimmy got done telling him what an awful person I was? What did he say to Brandon to make him stay away and stop talking to me like we used to talk? What might he have said to Sam while he and Jimmy were hanging out together? I had NO idea at all, and it bugged me. What if Jimmy was just targeting all of the people that I cared about, and spreading the most awful rumors and giving them the most despicable image of me as a person? Even if Brandon were to suddenly show up on my doorstep and ask to talk...what kind of a monster would I look like in his eyes? How would he know what was true and what wasn't? Would it even matter at this point? He's already taken Jimmy's word at face value.

I think it just put me in a really sour mood to watch Jimmy practically skip away from my front door, happy as can be...and never once thinking about the damage he had done to me.

I was kind of moping around the house all afternoon without much more energy than it took to sit on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes life just sucks, you know? Luckily, Sam came knocking and stopped in to ask if I wanted to go with him and his girlfriend to some kind of food and music festival downtown tonight. It actually sounded kinda cool, but I didn't have the right mood for it. Besides, one more homophobic comment out of his girlfriend's mouth and I was liable to push her in front of a freakin' train.

At one point, Sam got quiet, and gave me a sly look out of the corner of his eye. I'm like, "What?"

He's like, "So...are you gonna tell me, or what? What's up? What's the deal?"

I said, "I have no idea what you're talking about..."

Sam giggled, like, "So we're just going to pretend that I didn't see Jimmy LaPlane practically floating a few feet above the sidewalk when he left here today?"

I smiled, but tried to hide it. I was like, "What the heck are you watching my house for?"

Sam was like, "Hehehe, don't avoid the question, bitch. Tell me the truth. C'mon, come clean...you're totally sticking it to Jimmy LaPlane aren't you?"

I lied and said, "NO! Hehehe! We're friends, Sam. We get together, we hang out, we play video games. That's about it."

Sam said, "Well, next time you should call me then. I want to get together...hang out...play video games..." And he batted his eyelashes at me, laughing as I gave him a shove and pushed him over on his side.

He really did want me to hang out tonight, but I didn't. With the murky gloom hanging over my head right now, I probably would have just brought down the energy of the whole damn festival. And Sam, being Sam, decided not to push. But he did ask me about work, and when I'd get paid so he could help me spend up some of my brand new cash.

I told him about the cool people I worked with. I told him about all the new music and the debut singles we get sometimes. And then...I paused. Mostly because I didn't know if I wanted to mention it or not, but in the end, I mentioned it anyway. I was like, "Joanna came into the store yesterday. She...asked about you?"

Now it was Sam's turn to pause.

He didn't think I noticed, but I did.

He was like, "She did? Why?" I just shrugged my shoulders, as I couldn't figure out why myself. Sam said, "Well...that's a shock. What did she ask you?"

I said, "She just wanted to know how you were doing and stuff, I guess. So...you know...whatever."

Things got a bit awkward, but Sam and I kept talking. He was like, "Is she still dating that punk ass, Jamie whatzisface?"

I said, "Hehehe, yes. She is." And I told him, "Maybe you could talk to her or something. I know you want to."

But Sam was like, "Heh, no, Billy. I don't. I actually really really don't."

I asked him, "Why not? Couldn't hurt, right?"

He says, "Actually, Billy...it could hurt a lot. Besides, she's convinced that every word that comes out of my mouth is bullshit anyway. She has no faith in me at all. Nor does she have much reason to care about how I am. If she wants to run off and go be with her new golden boy then go already, ya know? Leave me alone. The LAST thing I need is to have her shoving her boyfriend in my face and rubbing my nose in her fancy new 'relationship'. So...no way. I don't wanna hear it. I'm done."

Me being me...I took what I learned from Sam, and I didn't push. I said, "Yeah, I get it. Just thought I'd let you know."

Sam was like, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm just trying to get used to Joey being gone. It's a headache that I could do without." Then he asked one more time, "You sure you don't want to get out of the house tonight? Eh? Might be a lot of hot boys out there. BIG crowds. Lots of opportunities for you to palm some strange booty-meat!" Hahaha! He's such a weirdo!

I'm like, "Get out of here! Go! I'll see you tomorrow or something. K?"

He said, "Staying super loyal to Jimmy, huh? No, it's ok, I get it. No cheating on your new sweetheart. Good plan. Hehehe!"

I'm like, "OUT!!!" Giving him a kick in the butt as he bolted out of the door, looking back over his shoulder to laugh at me.

The strange thing is, he hadn't even been gone five minutes before my mood began to darken all over again. I think I just need to stop thinking about all this. Detach somehow. I think, deep down, maybe getting Sam to talk to Joanna would have given me some hope that I'd be able to talk to Brandon again too. That those wounds would have healed. And there was a chance for things to maybe rebuild themselves from the ashes.

But maybe Sam is right. Maybe it's best to try getting used to Brandon being gone. Despite what Stevie may say, I doubt that I can expect some magical reunion that will take back all the nasty things that we said to each other in a single conversation. I don't know...I'm hardly in the mood to concentrate on this today anyway. I'll think about it tomorrow.

Right now, it's back to the TV and whatever junk they can mind-fuck me with between commercial breaks.

Gotta run.

Later.

- Billy