Geeks - 15. Christmas

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: CHRISTMAS

Mikeal was woken up, groggy but clear-headed, by the cheerful cacophony of a houseful of young children discovering presents. He felt Adam stir next to him and turned to kiss him awake.

“Merry Christmas,” he whispered and Adam gave him a sleepy smile as he opened his eyes and stretched.

“What time is it?” he mumbled, turning onto his stomach and pressing his face into the pillow.

“5:20.”

“Christ, someone needs to make that illegal. No noise on Christmas morning until after eight.”

Mikeal saw Adam’s foot poking out the edge of the coverlet and reached over to tickle it. “C’mon grumpy pants,” he teased as Adam wriggled his foot away from Mikeal’s fingers. “Or did we have too much champagne last night?”

“I had as much as you did,” Adam grumbled, but got up from the bed. Pulling on pajamas and robes, they joined the rest of the noisy company downstairs. Mikeal detoured to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. Olivia, bleary-eyed, passed him a mug from the cabinet and they shared a mutual look of resigned exhaustion.

“Sorry. I hoped they would be quiet this year.”

Mikeal took the mug and waved her apology aside. “They’re kids on Christmas morning. It’s normal.”

Mikeal settled himself on the couch next to Adam and watched the kids tear open wrapping paper and shout in delight. Mikeal felt warm and content, drinking his coffee and watching Adam open his gifts. He liked seeing this side of his boyfriend, seeing the things that his family and friends bought for him, what they thought he would like. He was surprised, then, when one of the kids pulled a box from under the tree and hollered his name.

“What?”

The box landed in his lap and Mikeal checked the nametag. Olivia and Charles. He felt his face flame up in embarrassment. He had given his sister some money to pick up a nice bottle of wine for them, but in all the chaos from home, he had forgotten it. He opened the box and found an apron, fashioned to look like the front of Darth Vader’s armor suit. He laughed and refolded it back into the box carefully. “Thank you!”

“I want to see!” Emily called out and he had to pass it around the crowded room before everyone was satisfied.

“Adam told us that you loved Star Wars and was learning to cook,” Olivia explained. “Consider it a ‘welcome to the family’ gift. We are glad you were able to visit us for the holiday Mikeal.”

“Thanks,” Mikeal said again. He was touched, not only by the gift, but the fact that Adam had been talking about him to his parents. He was suddenly fiercely glad that he had introduced Adam to his father and found himself looking forward to his own visit home.

After the gifts had been unwrapped, the kids fed and then sent outside to play with their new toys, Adam and Mikeal supervised for a few hours so his parents could catch a nap, then left for Mikeal’s house. Mikeal felt his nervousness creep back during the ride, but tried to keep it in check. Surely Jamison had told his mom about his boyfriend. His mom. That was the source of his nervousness, not his boyfriend.

He glanced over at Adam, who looked handsome in his new scarf. Adam glanced over, saw Mikeal watching him, and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Nervous?”

“Nope,” Mikeal lied. “You?”

“Nope.”

They glanced at each other again and then dissolved into laughter.

“So, I am meeting your mom.”

Mikeal nodded. “Yes. Lily and her husband might be there too. Hyacinth and her family probably won’t be. Dad asked them to leave after what she told me.”

Adam let out a low whistle. “Your dad must have been pissed.”

“I guess,” Mikeal said. “Lily said it wasn’t her place to say what she said. But if she hadn’t, I could still be living in ignorance.”

“Maybe,” Adam mused.

He didn’t press the issue as they continued on their way and soon Mikeal was directing him through the turns of his neighborhood. Adam felt a little intimidated by the large houses and the one that he pulled up to was more modest in comparison, but still much bigger than his place. He had a suspicion that Mikeal might come from money, but seeing where he lived confirmed it. He accompanied Mikeal to the front door and kissed him before he reached up to knock the door. Mikeal smiled and took his hand.

The door opened.

Jamison beamed as he saw Mikeal standing there. “Merry Christmas, Dad.” Mikeal hugged him, and Jamison ruffled his hair. “I’m glad you came.” Then he looked up at Adam and moved forward to shake his hand. “And I’m glad you made it too. Marigold has been anxious to meet you.”

Oh boy, Adam thought.

He followed Mikeal and Jamison down the shining hardwood floors of the main hall, noting the expensive looking rugs and furniture. Everything was perfectly placed and perfectly designed and made Adam feel a little bit like he was in a museum.

In the living room, he saw a small group sitting in front of the fire. Nearby, a large Christmas tree towered up towards the rafters. On the couch sat an older woman in a tasteful green and gold dress with elegantly coiffed blond hair and in an armchair, another much younger blond was sitting with a handsomely bearded man. The older woman looked up as they entered and stood.

“Mikeal,” she said, her voice shaking as she crossed the room. She looked for a minute like she was going to embrace him, then faltered, let her arms drop, and reached for his hands instead. “It’s so good to see you. Thank you for coming by for Christmas, it wouldn’t have been the same without you here.” She gripped his hand and Mikeal could feel how cold they were and how they shook. When he glanced back at her face, he saw that she was crying. She gave him an embarrassed smile and lifted a hand to wipe a tear off her cheek. Mikeal felt frozen in shock, not quite sure what to do. He hadn’t seen his mother cry in years. “Can you give your mother a hug?” she whispered, still looking embarrassed, and shifting her gaze away from him.

Oh hell, Mikeal thought and gathered her up in his arms. He could feel her trembling as he hugged her close and felt the warm, wiry strength of her arms coiling around his shoulders and back.

“Merry Christmas, Mom,” he said. Over her shoulder he saw Lily wink at him from her seat near the fireplace.

Marigold finally stepped back, still blushing and wiping furiously at her cheeks. “I just get so emotional during the holidays,” she said, sounding embarrassed and a little exasperated. She turned to Adam.

“You must be Adam,” she said, extending her hand. “I’m Marigold, Mikeal’s mother. It’s good to meet you.”

Adam shook her hand and Marigold relaxed back into the role of hostess, inviting Adam to have a seat and getting him a drink. He had just settled down next to Mikeal on the couch when the younger blond turned to him.

“Hi, I’m Lily.”

Adam extended his hand. “I’m Adam, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Mikeal’s older sister,” she added, then gestured to the man with her. “And this is my husband Reggie.”

The man nodded.

“So…” Lily leaned forward a little more, watching him with obvious interest. “You're Mikeal’s boyfriend?”

Adam glanced at Mikeal for a second before nodding. “Yes, I am.”

“That is so cool!” She bounced excitedly next to her husband. “My little brother is gay!”

“Lily!” Mikeal exclaimed, reddening.

“No, no, I like it,” Lily insisted.

“That’s enough,” Marigold said, coming back into the room with a tray of glasses. “Don’t embarrass your brother or his friend.” She passed a ginger ale to Mikeal and Adam. “Adam, Jamison told me a little bit from when he met you with Mikeal, but I would love to know some more about you.”

Adam had steeled himself for this type of conversation and answered her questions. While Jamison’s had been more about his career and future, Marigold’s leaned more towards his family, which made him wary. But Lily’s teasing of Mikeal and the way Jamison egged her on helped make the whole situation less formal and nerve-wracking than it would have normally been and Adam was soon enjoying himself. It didn’t hurt that Marigold was a fantastic cook and Adam was soon stuffing himself with Christmas Eve leftovers while he watched Mikeal open his Christmas presents with his parents and his sister. There was a small pile of unopened gifts set off to the side and he wondered if these belonged to the infamous Hyacinth. He wasn't sure if he was anxious to meet her or not. There were plenty of pictures of her though, with Lily and Mikeal.

Getting up to take a closer look at a family photo on the wall, he could see now, how obviously out of place Mikeal appeared as he got older. Marigold, Lily, and Hyacinth were all beautiful, willowy blondes. Jamison did have darker hair, but none of them shared Mikeal’s coal black curls and Adam found it hard to ignore the distinctive Asian set of Mikeal’s features.

I guess you didn’t want to see it either, baby.

He saw the reflection of Jamison approaching behind him and colored slightly, feeling guilty although he wasn’t sure why.

“Hyacinth is the one in the red,” Jamison noted. “Always her favorite color.” He sighed a little. “We miss having her here, but it was high time she started sharing holidays with her husband. And after what she did…well I guess Mikeal told you.”

“He did.”

“She wasn’t wrong to tell him, and I’m frankly glad that this has finally come out. But she handled it very badly. Telling him like that, while Marigold and I were away. And she certainly had little use for tact.” Jamison rubbed a hand over his forehead, looking rueful. “Anyhow, I was thinking that while you answered most of my questions at the coffee shop a few days ago, we haven’t had a chance to have a really decent talk and I would like to get to know you a little better, since my son is very obviously fond of you. Care to join me in the study for a brandy?”

Oh God. Adam cast about desperately for Mikeal, but he was deep in what looked like an emotional conversation with his mother and he could hardly interrupt that. Having no other choice, he followed the older man out of the room.

Mikeal had a feeling he had been set up. Sometime during the period of time he had been studying the Lego R2-D2 kit that he had been given, his family and even his boyfriend had wandered off somewhere, leaving him alone with his mother. He had looked up to find her sitting nearby, watching him. He gave her an uncertain smile.

“Do you like it?” she asked, gesturing to the box he was holding.

“Yeah,” he said, resting it in his lap. He could smell the perfume that he had given her earlier and the familiar scent calmed his nervousness a little bit.

“I’m glad you came. I was worried when Jamison told me that you had refused,” Marigold finally said.

“I had every right to refuse. Adam was actually the one who suggested I come by today.”

“I like him Mikeal, I really do,” Marigold admitted. “He’s a nice young man, polite and handsome. Your father seemed to think you were a little nervous about telling us.”

“I was.”

Marigold nodded thoughtfully. “I can understand why. You had been dating him a while, correct?”

“Since September.”

“Well, I am glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us. We’re not homophobic and we love you, no matter who you date. We love you Mikeal, and nothing will ever change that.”

Mikeal sighed. He knew where this was going. “I know that. Dad made a very specific point of telling me that. Multiple times.” He looked down at the box on his hands, flipping it around several times, so that the pictures and accompanying text on the box were a nonsensical blur. “Why?” he finally blurted out. “Why didn’t you tell me? I love you and Dad, but damn it, I had a right to know.”

“I know,” Marigold admitted. “And I am sorry baby. I didn’t keep this from you to hurt you and I hated lying to you.”

“Well, you were wildly successful on both fronts.”

Marigold got up from her chair and settled herself down on the floor with Mikeal, a slow and careful movement, tucking the skirt of her dress around her thighs. “The main reason was that I wanted to wait until you were at least eighteen. Sweetie, your adoption was a closed adoption. Do you know what that means?”

Mikeal shook his head. During all the confusion about his adoption and the holidays, he hadn’t even thought to research it at all, which was usually the first avenue Mikeal took for any kind of problem.

“There are two main types of adoption, open and closed. Open means that communication between the adopted child, the adoptive parents and the biological family remain open. Closed is the opposite. In your adoption, we were given only necessary, basic information on your parents, and the rest of the information is closed. Your records are sealed and it would take a court injunction to reopen them, perhaps even now. There are only very specific instances where you can reopen them, like if you got very sick and needed a medical donor, for example. I talked to a counselor when I adopted you and she advised me not to reveal the adoption until you were old enough to chose whether or not to pursue the option of identifying your biological family.”

“Why?”

“A lot of adopted children, when they find out they are adopted, are curious about their biological family, as I imagine you might be. If the information isn’t readily available, then the child will sometimes fantasize and even idealize their biological family, having unrealistic expectations. It can make it difficult for them to wait to get their records unsealed and lead to disappointment if they do find their biological family and they are not what they expected. Can you imagine, if you had spent years and years building up this perfect family in your head and then go to meet them and discover that they are human, just like the rest of us? That they might be drunks or divorced or in jail? Or god-forbid, dead? We waited to make sure you were mature enough to handle that. If you want your records unsealed, we can pursue that, but I wanted to make sure you were ready.”

Mikeal took some time to think that over. It made sense.

“Fine then. I don’t like it and I don’t agree with it, but I understand. But I am nineteen now, and you still haven’t told me, and if Hyacinth hadn’t said anything, I still don’t think you would have.”

“I know.” Marigold bit her lip and looked contrite for the first time since this happened. “Oh Mikeal, your father and I had such an awful row over it, but I didn’t want to drop this on you right before you left for school. Not when you needed security and stability so you could focus on your academics. You know how important that is to your father. And I thought, maybe, once you were settled in at school-“

“Stop.” Mikeal shook his head. “I don’t believe you. I don’t think you ever had any intention of telling me, not when you could keep on finding excuses to put it off. For God’s sake, it sure as hell wasn’t easy trying to work up the nerve to tell Dad that I was gay, but I did it. I did it because I didn’t like lying to you. Because you raised me to be fucking honest-“

“Watch your mouth young man!” Marigold snapped. “I understand that you are upset but you will not use that kind of language in this house!”

Mikeal shook his head. “You are such hypocrites, all of you! Preaching honesty, tell the truth, do the right thing, and then this? How can you tell me to be honest when you have done nothing but lie to me for my entire life?”

“One thing, Mikeal. One thing that I kept from you, for your own good, and you are ready to brand me as a perjurer? Do you want me to bring up every mistake that you ever made and hold it over your head forever?”

“That’s not what I am doing here, and you know it,” Mikeal said. “This is not like breaking a mug, or failing a test because you didn’t study enough or drinking too much at a party! This wasn’t “just a mistake”. This was lying, purposefully, knowingly lying and deceiving me about who I am and where I came from! It’s completely different. And you’ve done it for years.”

“We were protecting you!” Marigold insisted. “For heaven’s sake Mikeal, you were happy, well-adjusted, and intelligent. Everything was fine. Why should we tell you when there was no harm in letting you live happily the way you were?”

Mikeal shook his head. “I can’t believe this, I really can’t believe this. What is wrong with you people? You sit there and act like as long as I was happy, it was okay to lie to me, to string me along and to let me blissfully float along with the wool over my eyes? Did you seriously think, that sooner or later I wouldn’t find out, or question it?”

Marigold diverted her eyes.

Mikeal sighed and shook his head. “I can’t believe this, I really can’t.”

He got to his feet and stalked out the front door, going straight to Adam’s car and shutting himself inside before sending Adam a text with weak fingers.

I need to go. Now.

Adam came jogging out a few moments later, slightly flushed but clear eyed as he got into the driver’s seat.

“Okay?”

“No.”

Adam glanced at the box Mikeal was holding. “What do you have there baby?”

Mikeal glanced down at the Lego set that he was still holding. He didn’t even realize that he still had it when he left the house. He tossed it in the back with a little more vehemence than was strictly necessary. “Doesn’t matter. Let’s go.”

* * *

Adam waited a little bit, before gently delving into the subject again. “So things didn’t go as planned?”

“Well, after you abandoned me-“

“Your father kidnapped me,” Adam spoke up in defense. “Made me sit there and hold a snifter of brandy while he talked stock markets and sports.”

Mikeal didn’t even crack a smile. “And then I was talking to Mom. It was okay at first. She explained why she hadn’t told me when I was little.”

“Why was that?” Adam asked curiously. Mikeal relayed the conversation they had.

“And then I asked her why she hadn’t told me now that I am an adult,” Mikeal continued. “And then the excuses started. So I got fed up and told her that she shouldn’t have tried to raise me to be an honest person if she wasn’t going to be honest in return.”

Ouch, Adam thought, but kept that one to himself.

“Then she accused me of “holding this over her head” and I told her it was not the same and then she goes on about protecting me, and I just-“ Mikeal threw up his hands. “It went just how I expected it to go, to be honest. She didn’t want to seriously talk, all she did was make excuses and expected me to just swallow them like I was still a dumb gullible five year old.”

“Like what?”

Mikeal glanced over. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you said that she kept giving you excuses. What were they?”

“She said that she didn’t want to tell me now because I was starting college and didn’t want to distract me. She said that she and Dad fought about it.”

“Hmmm. Well, she does have a point.”

“Don’t you dare defend her-”

“I’m not. Stop being so defensive baby. I’m just trying to see things from her perspective so you can understand better. You don’t handle change very well. This is your freshman year, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you imagine trying to adjust to a new school, new living conditions, a new program of study and having the adoption news on top of all that? I can’t see the future, but I think I could see someone like you cracking underneath all that pressure and quite possibly dropping out of school. Nice way to screw up your future.”

“You are defending her,” Mikeal said and Adam was worried by the tone of his voice. It sounded almost like awe. Like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

“Not necessarily, just that I agree with that certain timing being off. However, if it were me, I would have told you when you were maybe seventeen or eighteen, in the summertime when you would have time to work through it. That way you would be close enough to make the decision to unseal your documents if you wanted, you would have most of the summer to sort through it, and you would have been home with your family to do the shouting and the arguing thing that you seem to like to do with your mom.”

Adam ducked away from the playful slap that Mikeal directed at him, managing the steering wheel with one hand as he did so. He grinned, glad to see Mikeal in a lighter mood.

“It doesn’t matter,” Mikeal insisted, flopping back in to the seat and growing serious again. “She didn’t, and she didn’t tell me when I was at the age to decide to see my records either. Right now it was the college thing, which, ironically, didn’t turn out how she expected cause I found out anyway. But what if I didn’t know? What would be the next reason to put it off? Graduation, looking for a job? Getting engaged, having kids?”

“Whoa, we’re having kids now?” Adam joked again, and gave his boyfriend’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “You don’t know that for sure-“

“Yes, I do. She said herself that I was better off not knowing. Because I was happy, healthy and developmentally sound and all that crap. I asked her how long she thought she could pull the wool over my eyes and she looked away, wouldn’t answer. That’s when I called you out here to leave.”

Adam gave his hand another squeeze. “I’m sorry baby, that really sucks.”

Mikeal dropped his head down against the dashboard. “I’m just tired. I’m so tired of dealing with all this. I just wanted a nice holiday with my family and my boyfriend. Not all this fighting and this bullshit.”

“I know.” Adam sighed. “So, are you mad at Hyacinth for ruining your holiday?”

Mikeal sat back up. “Strangely, no. I was at first, and so is everyone else from the sound of things. But I am seriously beginning to doubt that mom was ever going to tell me. Dad would have caved eventually, but she is the one who went forward with the adoption, it was her responsibility. Hyacinth did what Mom didn’t have the courage to do. Yes, her timing was god-awful but still—if she had chosen another time, it might have been okay. I mean she knew the same thing that everyone else did, that mom was stringing me along, and she stopped it. She could have just perpetuated the lie, but she didn’t. I can’t fault her for that. Lily told her that it wasn’t her place, but it’s not right for Mom to have them lie to me, no more than it was for her to lie to me for all these years, or for Dad to let her. I’m not saying that they didn’t have good reason, at least initially. But it doesn’t cancel things out. The fact that their reasoning was sound doesn’t excuse their dishonesty. And you know what really gets me?”

“What baby?”

“All the worry and the anxiety I had about telling them I was gay. All I went through because I wanted to be honest and open with them. I was facing the worse fear of my life, thinking that they might hate me or not accept me when they learned the truth. They were going through the same thing but I still chose the truth. I would have told them even if I hadn’t found out about the adoption, so I could be honest to them and open about my relationship with you. And it just hurts that they couldn’t do the same with me. Like I wasn’t worth it.”

Adam pulled over into a state park, closed for the holiday, and parked in an empty spot before turning and cupping Mikeal’s face in his hands. He kissed him gently, deeply, Mikeal opening to his questing tongue. Mikeal’s body was warm and soft as Adam sank into the kiss, embracing him tightly. Adam finally drew back and smiled a little. “How often do you I have to tell you that you are not worthless before you start to believe me?”

Mikeal grinned back at him. “After about 500 more or so of those kisses.”

Adam unbuckled his seat belt and pressed Mikeal’s seat lever. “I’ll give you more than that.”

Mikeal was considerably calmer once they were on the road again, and Adam kept the conversation light-hearted as they completed the last leg of the trip. Once home, Mikeal was quiet as usual, but with the kids still running around and making chaos, he was able to recede to the calm oasis of Adam’s bedroom. Adam cajoled him out to eat and Mikeal noticed how the conversation carefully circumvented his recent visit home.

Mikeal remained in Adam's room for the most of the evening, but whether he was brooding or just trying to avoid the noisy chaos, Adam was having a hard time determining. Later that evening, he brought the Lego kit out of the car and brought it over.

“Want to put it together?” Adam asked.

Mikeal gave him a ghost of a smile and helped empty out the box and assemble it. Adam helped for a while before he decided he would rather cuddle behind his boyfriend and watch his diligent construction.

“Some help you are,” Mikeal grumbled, as Adam pushed back a lock of hair and kissed his forehead.

“Can’t help it. Too sexy,” Adam mumbled, burying his face in Mikeal’s neck. Mikeal elevated his shoulder, cutting off the narrow band of space and signaling Adam to back off.

“Are you still upset about this afternoon?” Adam asked, rocking back onto his knees.

Mikeal shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Want to talk?”

Mikeal shook his head.

Adam gave up and went to bed.

Adam woke up deep into the night and groped sleepily around for Mikeal, but his bed was empty and cold. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He noticed that he never slept well when Mikeal was supposed to be in bed, but wasn’t. He stumbled out of bed, nearly tripping over the Lego sculpture. The light from the closet was on and in the wide beam he saw that Mikeal was halfway finished with the entire sculpture, an endeavor that Adam was certain would take hours. The small room was empty, though.

He walked through the dark halls, cursing softly as he tripped again, over one of the new toys that Josh hadn’t put away. The TV was flickering quietly in the living room and Adam saw Mikeal lying on the couch, draped in a blanket. His eyes were closed, but when Adam sat down next to him, Mikeal blinked and opened his eyes.

“Hey,” Mikeal said.

“Hey,” Adam responded, playing with Mikeal’s hair. “What are you doing out here?”

“I had a nightmare, didn’t want to go back to sleep.”

Adam climbed onto the couch behind him and Mikeal turned to face him.

“Talk about it. It’ll keep you from having it again.”

Mikeal looked down. “It’s my own fault. I started thinking about earlier, and I started thinking of how my mom was so reluctant and how flimsy her excuses seemed. And then…I started to wonder…well, maybe there was another reason that she didn’t want to tell me, something that she wanted to keep a secret. Maybe something bad about my biological parents?”

“Like what?”

“I started to think of all the reasons that a parent might want to give up a child. Maybe I was the product of an affair. Or a rape.”

“Mikeal-"

“So then I started wondering if my father was a rapist, maybe I would grow up to be a rapist too. And then when I finally fell asleep I had a dream about hurting-hurting you. I woke up and went out here so I wouldn’t wake you up.”

“Promise me, right now, that if you ever have another dream like that, you do wake me up. For Christ’s sake, the last thing I want you to do after having a nightmare is come out here and be alone.” Adam pressed a kiss against Mikeal’s forehead. “It was a dream, baby, a horrible dream. But it’s over now. I’m here, and I’m fine, see?” He took Mikeal’s hand and pressed it against his chest.

“But still, what if what I was thinking is right?” Mikeal asked. “What if my parents were bad people and they passed that down to me through genetics?”

“That’s irrational Mikeal, and you are smarter than that. You know that people aren’t born evil. People who commit violence are either taught by their surroundings or have some kind of mental illness that makes them want to hurt people. You don’t pass down a desire to hurt someone through your offspring. That kind of stuff only happens in television shows or movies.”

“But-“

“Also,” Adam interrupted, “-you have never ever done any violence towards me or Julie or any of your friends or family, remember? If violence was passed down through genes, it would have shown up by now. I don’t think you could ever be a rapist Mikeal. Remember how upset you got with what happened to Julie? You could never do that to someone.”

Mikeal pressed his face into Adam’s chest, his voice muffled. “I want to be a good person. I want my parents to be good people, but I can’t see good people giving up their child.”

“You are a good person,” Adam said, drawing away and tilting Mikeal’s face up. “You are compassionate, and crazy smart, and loving and honest and trustworthy. Your biological parents could both be hardened criminals and it wouldn’t change the person you are. The person that I fell in love with.” Adam kissed him. “And I did fall in love with you. I fell so hard it scared me. And I keep on falling every day, and I hope it never ever stops.”

Mikeal smiled.