Into the Fire - 1. Into the Fire

The Carny

“What do the four H’s represent?” the tall man at the front of the group asked.

“I pledge my head to clearer thinking,
My heart to greater loyalty,
My hands to larger service,
and my health to better living,
for my family, my club, my community, and my country.” The group chanted in unison.

Delbert chuckled as he heard his buddy Orv add, “and for hot dames.” He was always making a joke. Sometimes they were even funny but Del always had to laugh at him. Always.

The seventeen year old farm boy looked around the room of the Freeborn elementary school. None of the country girls in 4-H sitting around here could be characterized as ‘dames.’ They were more like gals than women, dressed in the polka dots and prints of day dresses they’d sewn themselves. These girls would never wear furs and silk like Greta Garbo and Jean Harlow. They’d marry one of the boys sitting around the room, become farm wives with a few screaming kids and can peaches in July. Del wondered which one he’d end up with.

It was with that thought, Del realized he didn’t care much. That surprised him.

The other guys talked about which girl they thought was the finest, who had the hottest patootie and while Del would go along with them, he thought the gals were okay-looking but not glamorous like those in the movies. Well, except maybe Mabel Norquist. She was a fine-looking doll he’d love to get to know better. She had a nice set of knockers and some pretty curvy hips, perfect for child bearing.

Del stopped that thinking right quick. He was thinking about Mabel like she was a prize heifer ready for the fair, not a girlfriend or more. It seemed like he always appraised girls that way. He didn’t know why. Del never really tried to get to know them. Not like he did the guys, Orv especially. Orville Egge wasn’t even his best friend yet he did everything he could to be near the guy.

He had to play it cool though. Two summers before he’d blown it, embarrassing himself and making Orv look at him funny. Del’s cousin Harold was coming for a month long stay. Del’s parents agreed the boys could go camping with friends for an entire weekend. Orv and Del’s best friend Johnny O’Malley were going as well. Del had gotten so excited he couldn’t contain his glee. He talked to Orv constantly about the stupid camping trip until the boy told him he couldn’t go. Del had freaked him out.

Even Johnny said Del had gone overboard.

After that incident, well non-incident, Del made sure his contact with Orv was cool, calm, and as indifferent as he could make it. That was hard since whenever he saw the blond boy, his heart raced.

Like when he watched Orv play football. The young man would spin and pull away while running the ball down the field. His movements were like a dance. When Orv would break free from the other side, his form would take on a new resonance. Del would stand up and scream for his friend, his heart would pound with excitement. It was okay to do that in the crowd because everyone else cheering on the Albert Lea team was doing the same. Only then could Del let loose and express how thrilled he was and overjoyed at his fellow student’s performance. Orv embodied football, he didn’t play it. On the field, his long muscular legs pumped his hefty form past the defenders. It was like a show.

Orv desperately wanted to go to the University of Minnesota and play football. He went on and on about the “Golden Gophers” and how they’d been picked as the best college football team in 1936. Orv would then rant about how unfair it was the Big Ten wouldn’t let their conference members play in a bowl game. He’d get so worked up. It was kind of funny actually.

Orv’s dream of college was impossible, his parents didn’t have a pot to piss in, to hear his dad talk. Del’s parents, his father especially, practically begged him to go to the university, but the farm boy had no desire to attend college. It was bad enough he had to finish high school. Most boys didn’t go past the eighth grade. In Freeborn, the only boys who went were he, Orv, and Johnny. His dad was so proud of him though. Del would be the first boy in their family to graduate from high school.

“So, the next thing on the agenda is the state fair rules,” he heard Mr. Sorenson say loudly over the whispering girls. “Does everyone going have a way up there and back?”

Del didn’t know if he did. His parents were thrilled he was showing both a hog and his steer. They’d both won Grand Champion ribbons so he was representing Freeborn County in two categories. Last year, his parents got his uncle to do the milking and chores while they were gone for five days. This year, Del needed to be there the whole week and a half. Hog competition was early on while showing the steer wouldn’t be until Labor Day weekend.

“Do you think I could catch a ride with you up there?” Orville whispered to him. The boy’s breath smelled minty and tickled his nose. Del felt goose pimples rise on his forearm.

“I’m not sure what the plan is yet. My cousin’s showing his rooster so my aunt and uncle can’t do chores for us.”

“Darnit!” Orville swore. “How am I gonna get up there?”

“Let me talk to my parents,” Del said quickly. The thought of spending that much time with his hero was too tempting to let pass. “We’ll figure out something.”

“Thanks Del. You’re a real pal.”

****************

“Pass me the roasting ears,” Del’s father said. Del picked up the heavy platter as if it was nothing and handed it to him. The young man was nervous about the current discussion because so much relied on it. His parents were arguing about him going to the state fair basically by himself, at least for the first half.

“He’s too young Gabe,” Del’s mother said, her voice almost squeaking.

“Another year and he’ll be graduating Clara. You’re gonna have to cut the apron strings sometime. Our boy’s becoming a man now,” his father grunted. Del didn’t think he looked too happy about it either. That’s what made him so anxious.

“It’s a dangerous place for a boy,” his mother said. “There are all those thieves around and you know what those carnies are like. Most of them are perverts and cheats.”

“He can take care of himself,” his father muttered. “Best get a start on it now. Del?”

“I can take care of myself,” he said looking at his fourth ear of corn. It was almost gone; only a couple of rows of niblets were left on it.

“Nell said he could ride up with them. He’s staying at the dorms anyway and they have monitors keeping an eye out for the kids. It’s only a few days Mother,” Del’s father argued. Del was afraid to speak. His dad was in his corner while his mother vacillated.

Finally, after some silence, she spoke. “All right. I’ll agree to it on a few conditions.”

“Anything.” Del perked up. This was what he was waiting for. He knew there would be rules but no one to enforce them. This would be a great adventure. It felt good to know he would be free to do whatever he pleased, well, within reason. There was livestock to tend to and shows to attend. But, otherwise, he’d be practically alone in the big city surrounded by fun and new things. Best of all, nobody would know him. Here he knew everyone and felt like eyes constantly spied on him.

“First. Every morning you have breakfast at the church stand with your aunt and uncle. Every evening you have supper with them too. After supper, promise me you’ll go to the dorms and stay there. No evenings at the midway, at least, not until we’re there to go with you,” his mother ordered. She was actually shaking her finger at him.

“That sounds like a fair plan,” his father said nodding. “What do you think?”

Del nodded enthusiastically. He’d agree to anything as long as he got to go. It wasn’t like his parents would know if he sneaked off. Everybody slipped out of the dorms and played games and rode the Tilt-A-Whirl. None of the other kids would rat on him. They’d all be running wild too.

“I promise,” he said crossing his heart with his finger. “Breakfast and supper with Uncle Hugo and Aunt Nell and then back to the dorms afterwards, got it.” He couldn’t stifle his excited grin.

“I could go with them and make sure he minds the rules,” his sister Lois said. She was teasing of course. She couldn’t stay at the dorms. Lois’ preserves hadn’t won any awards.

“I’m sure he’ll follow the rules,” his father said looking at him sharply. “Del wouldn’t break a promise to his mother.”

“Course not,” Del said quickly. “I’ll do exactly what you say, as long as I get to go.”

The plan was pretty straight forward. His uncle and aunt were going up for the opening of the state fair. While they were gone, Del’s parents would mind their chores. After the first five days, they’d come back and Gabe and Clara would come up and join him. The cows still needed to be milked and fed. The eggs needed to be gathered. All the animals needed their water tanks replenished twice a day.

“It’s settled then,” Del’s father said setting an empty cob on his plate. He wiped the melted butter from his chin with a napkin.

Del got up and smiled his thanks to his father. The man just waved him away. The young man walked over to his mother and hugged her tight from behind. Her apron was moist with sweat and she smelled like boiled corn and vinegar. “Thanks Mom. I won’t let you down,” he whispered in her ear.

Clara tried not to smile but Del was such a sweet boy. He knew how to make her feel special. “Mind that you do,” she giggled. “Don’t eat just wieners Del. I know they’re your favorite but you need more than that to survive a week and a half of the fair.”

“I promise. I’ll eat other things too.”

****************

“How many of those have you had?” Orville asked Del. He’d just popped the last of the hot dog into his mouth. Del couldn’t get enough wieners at the state fair. They were nothing like his mother’s homemade sausages. These had a tight, snappy skin and after biting into it, the center was creamy and juicy. His mother’s attempts were coarse and mealy. These were so smooth and tender.

Some of the other kids from Freeborn liked them buried with sweet pickle relish, onions, and drowning in tomato ketchup. Del liked them naked on the warm, steamed bun with just a little streak of mustard to cut the richness.

“This is my fourth,” Del laughed. “They’re so damned good.”

“You’re gonna make yourself sick on them,” he heard a girl nearby say. Del turned and saw it was Mabel. She was looking very pretty in her brown dress with white polka dots. Over that, she was wearing a neatly pressed floral apron. Her hands were in the apron pockets and her smile teased him.

Del grinned back. “I eat eggs and bacon every morning and beef and potatoes every night. I won’t get sick.”

“I work at the stand Delbert Peterson. I see you grab a couple long johns in the morning and you don’t eat any vegetables at night. Your mom will need to give you castor oil for a week,” Mabel said loudly. She was looking at him funny though. It was like she was flirting with him or something.

Del looked at her standing there, telling him off, and realized the girl was around him a lot. Sure, the Freeborn girls would come down afternoons while the boys worked on brushing and caring for the animals. Mabel was different. She was down in the mornings too, as they cleaned out the manure and lay down fresh straw. After dinner at noon, she would hang around the barns and chat with them. It wasn’t always Del she talked to. It was other boys as well, but Mabel watched him out of the corner of her eye.

It made him wonder.

“Better get going. We need to fill the water tank,” Del said grabbing Orv’s arm. “No rest for the wicked.”

“Definitely not,” Orv said grinning mischievously. “Are you going to the midway tonight with anyone special? Gladys is going with me tonight. I found the perfect spot to bring her.”

Del shook his head. Orv had spent the last two nights since they’d arrived dragging girls to the midway. The boy had a very dirty mind and told him all about getting into the girls’ blouses. Gladys Mortenson was a particularly friendly girl he’d talked about non-stop.

Del was no prude. No farmer could be. They all knew where babies come from. As his father said, ‘be fruitful and multiply’ was the motto of a farmer. It was all about sex and the coupling of male and female animals to reproduce. The same was true of people though Del thought Orv’s obsession with getting girls to open their tops was particularly single-minded.

“I’m not sure,” Del said. “I’m not supposed to go out after supper.” Del had no intention of staying in the dorms. He’d snuck out each night and walked around feeling as free and light as he ever had. While Orv was playing around with girls, he was soaking up the games, the rides, and the dark corners of the midway where people gathered and smoked. The carnies fascinated him, and while he kept his distance, he was intrigued by their brightly colored tattoos and earrings. Especially on the men.

“Mabel’s sweet on you, you know that right?” Orv whispered to him. The young man’s breath caressed his cheek. Del jumped.

“Do you think?” he responded with surprise.

“Gladys said she talks about you all the time.”

“I don’t know,” Del said. “Maybe when my parents get up here . . ..”

“Man, that’s dumb. Step out with Mabel while your parents aren’t here. When my mom and dad get here, they’ll be watching me like a hawk. It’s 1936 and those old courting rules don’t matter anymore. It’s not like it was with our parents. You don’t need a chaperone. You’ll never have a better chance to see how far you can get.” Orv elbowed Del and wagged his eyebrows.

“You’re gonna get one of these girls preggers and then you’ll have to marry her,” Del warned trying to divert the subject. Orv got a strange look on his face at that thought.

“I’m not doing that yet,” he said after some pause.

“I’m not sure you’ll know if you can stop it once it starts,” Del said. “We gotta use a hose on the dogs when they get started. I’m not sure it’s much easier for people.”

Orv walked beside him as they approached the water tank. He didn’t say anything more about sneaking into spots with girls who were friendly. Del ignored his silence and started up the pump on the truck. He climbed up and grabbed the hose.

“Get the nozzle in the top,” he ordered Orv. The boy grabbed the end unlatched the lid. He snaked the hose inside.

“Let ‘er rip,” Orv shouted over the noise of the motor.

*********************

Del finished his mashed potatoes and pushed the plate to the side. It was steamy hot in the shack, and gloomy. His aunt and uncle were still eating their roast turkey and stuffing with green beans. Uncle Hugo was sopping up gravy with the corner of a thick slice of bread. When he tore another chunk, the warm yeasty smell filled the air.

“You staying in the dorms like you promised?” Del’s uncle asked with a smirk.

“Yes sir. That’s where I’m going right after I finish my pie.” Del pulled the slice of peach pie over in front of him. The juices flowed all over the plate escaping the brown, flaky crust. Del took a bite of the pie, crust first and it’s rich, oily texture spread all throughout his mouth.

“I’m glad to hear it. Lots of trouble in the midway at night,” Aunt Nell said with a frown. “We heard some of those leather jacket gangs are walking around robbing good folk. Nettie Miller said her son got his wallet stolen.”

Ike Miller didn’t have his wallet stolen by any leather jacket gang at all. Del heard the moron lost all his money in a poker game with some kids from Ellendale. A bunch of the guys had been talking about it but no one would call them out on it. If adults heard about gambling, they’d know the dorms emptied every night after dark.

“Make sure you stay away from those thugs and punks,” Uncle Hugo said. Then he belched.

“Hugo!” his wife said slapping his arm.

“Not bad manners, just good beer,” he chuckled and leaned back in the chair. “Right Del?”

“I guess so. I’ve never drank beer so I wouldn’t know,” he said with a sheepish grin. Del had drunk beer. In fact, Orv had some he was sharing tonight. They were warm but it gave them some extra courage when it came time to sneaking out.

“If you do want to get outta the dorms for a spell, come by the tent. We’re having a bonfire tonight,” his uncle said. “It must get boring all cooped up like that.”

“I’m fine. The boys play cards and stuff,” Del said.

“I’m sure a boy or two tries to sneak into the girls’ dorm as well,” his uncle’s eye was on him now. Del tried not to squirm. He didn’t succeed.

“Del’s a good boy. He wouldn’t do that,” his aunt said.

“Even good boys get a little curious at about his age,” his uncle replied.

“I might ask Mabel Norquist to step out with me after mom and dad get here,” Del said. He didn’t know why he said it but his uncle’s comments were making him feel he needed to. After his conversation with Orv that afternoon, he did see Mabel coming around more often. She was very sly about it but she looked at him, a lot.

“That sounds like a good plan,” his aunt said. “Mabel’s folks are really good people. I’m sure she is too.”

Del finished the last bite of his pie. The peach juice was still on his tongue as he bid them a good night. He shook his uncle’s hand and kissed Aunt Nell on the cheek. After saying goodbye to his cousins, he left the church dining hall and walked back through the fairgrounds towards the dorms.

The distance from the church dining hall to the dorms wasn’t far. Along the way were other squat wood buildings with canvas awnings over seating areas. They were all dining halls; one with the Kiwanis, one the Knights of Columbus, and at the end, right before the dorms, was the big ice cream stand. There were always a lot of people around the stand. It was run by the dairy board and you could get vanilla, chocolate, or mint cones. On hot days, the line would extend down the dusty gravel road. It was closing soon and Del felt a nickel in his pocket. It would get him a triple dipper.

He stopped at the end of the line and waited. Del could smell the slight odor of rancid milk and horse manure in the air. It was tough finding a place at the fair that didn’t smell like some kind of manure but as a farm kid, he was used to it. There was something that did make him uncomfortable.

What sometimes scared him were the oceans of people flooding around them. It was more people than he’d ever seen before. Their feet kicked up a fog of dust that permeated the area. The flood of bodies flowed around him at the back of the line, but it was unnerving.

“Are you going to the dirt car races on Labor Day?” he heard a voice behind him.

“Well, yeah,” Del answered and looked behind him. It was Orv, Johnnie, Mabel, Gladys and another girl he didn’t recognize. “Isn’t everybody?”

“I’d say so,” Johnny said happily. He’d gotten there today. The O’Malley’s were staying in the campground. He hadn’t won any ribbons so he was just here for the fun. “I’m going to see the freak shows tonight. Wanna come?”

“Better not,” Del said. “I’m getting a cone and going to bed. The early mornings are brutal.”

“You sound like an old man,” Orv joked. Mabel was smiling at Del. She’d lost her apron since the afternoon. She looked at him shyly and shuffled her left foot.

“Are you getting ice cream?” Del asked the fidgeting girl.

“I don’t have any money,” she said, frowning.

“I’ll buy you a cone,” Del said automatically. “My treat.”

“That would be swell,” she said and stepped next to him.

Del could hear Orv and Johnny whispering. The girls tittered amongst one another but he ignored them. Other boys always acted so strangely when girls were around. They’d puff up their chests and talk a little too loudly. Del didn’t feel anxious at all. Mabel was a friend. He was buying her an ice cream cone, nothing more.

“Are you having a good time?” Mabel asked quietly. “I won a blue ribbon with my strawberry jam. It was a complete surprise.”

“That’s grand,” he said. “I guess you’re showing up all the other dames.”

“My sweet pickles didn’t win anything. My dill ones did get a red ribbon. It was fun just coming up here,” she said. Mabel put her hand on Del’s arm. Her skin was moist and clammy. It made Del’s stomach turn a little. He couldn’t understand his visceral reaction. The other boys seemed to light up from the contact with girls in the steamy afternoon heat. He shook it off.

Del congratulated her again and after a few minutes, they got to the front of the line. “What kind do you want?”

“I’ll take mint. It’s my favorite,” Mabel said and slipped her arm under his. It was too hot out for her closeness Del thought, but Gladys was doing the same to Orv and he looked like a pig in a mud puddle. Maybe he’d get used to it.

“One mint, one chocolate please,” he asked and slid the nickel to the man running the booth. After getting the penny back, he took the cones and handed one to her. Mabel licked the green ice cream and rolled her eyes.

“Thank you Del. Nothing like a cold treat on a hot day.” Mabel fluttered her lashes. At first Del thought she had something in her eye like a bug or some dust. After a few seconds of pondering, he realized she was flirting again. He smiled back.

They walked to the side and ate their cones in silence. Del decided he might as well make his thoughts into reality. He supposed she’d say yes, given the treat he bought her and her flirtatious behavior, but you never know with girls.

“After my parents get here, would you step out to the midway with me?” he asked. His voice sounded clear. Her eyes got big.

“I’d love to,” she said. There was a tremor in her voice. Del wondered why.

After the others got their ice creams, the girls headed towards their dorm. Johnny promised to meet Orv later and Del and his friend sauntered over to the brick building.

“Did you ask her out?” Orv queried. “It looked like she was pretty happy.”

“Yeah, I did.” Del smiled and pushed down the sigh he wanted to make.

“You don’t seem very happy about it,” Orv said looking at him funny.

“No. I was nervous,” Del lied.

All he wanted to do was get into his cot in the dorms and close his eyes. He felt like this was a turning point in his life. Everything would spiral out of control from here. Mabel was a nice girl from a good family. They’d go out, get to know one another, he’d propose, and they’d get married. It was all preordained. His life would be a measured series of events that were beyond his ability to change. Even Orv’s presence didn’t make it much better.

Del walked up the stairs to his bunk and crawled in. His feelings were so muddled and conflicted. He was confused by his errant reaction to Mabel’s attraction and attention. Life was a series of stages, everybody knew that. Sure, there were good times and bad while life extracted its price. Why was he so depressed about it? Mabel would make a fine wife and they’d have wonderful children. Del felt nothing but emptiness about it though. It seemed a hollow existence for some reason.

***************

Del snuck through the unlocked fire door at the base of the steps. All the other 4-H kids had already left for the midway. He wasn’t going to the midway. He was going to the area behind the midway where the trailers sat on cinder blocks. That was where the carnies lived during the fair.

Del had seen them gathered from afar, standing together laughing. They drank from something in paper sacks, smoked, and looked ominous. Could laughing people really be so dangerous? In the daylight on the midway, they looked like ordinary people, only sort of like pirates. Del loved the pictures in “Treasure Island.”

He walked from shadow to shadow along the edge of the fairgrounds. Once he thought he saw Johnny and a girl he didn’t know, but he stood still until they passed. As he neared the back lot the fence became more ramshackle. The edges of the magical fairgrounds became more sordid, with weeds and broken down fencing. Del was venturing into foreign territory, a forbidden area. The tickle in his stomach urged him forward.

“What the hell do we have here?” Del stopped and looked around seeing no one.

“We got ourselves a country boy sneaking around,” he heard from the shadows. Two figures emerged from behind a tent and in the scant light seemed to simply appear out of thin air.

“What’re you doing back here country?” Del’s breath was caught in his throat. They both had on brown leather jackets, short with strange looking buckles on them. The metal gleamed in the moonlight, as did their teeth.

“Answer the question country. Why are you sneaking around here?” the other man asked. He had a vicious looking face, bearded and his lips curled in a snarl.

“I’m just checking things out,” Del said, his voice cracking.

“No reason to be sniffing around the carnies now, is there?” the first leather jacketed man said stepping closer. Del could smell whiskey and stale tobacco smoke.

“I’ll leave.” Del sounded childish. These men were so creepy looking and in the light ….

A fist smashed into his face. Del could feel the impact of a ring digging into his cheek. He was stunned and fell back a step. “Asked you a simple fucking question,” the man said as he raised his fist again.

“What’re you two doing here?” Del heard another voice ring out. A group of people were running towards them from the carny campground. “Get the hell away from here!”

“Holy shit,” one of the leather jacketed men said. “Duane! They’ll kick our behinds.”

The two men ran into the shadows of the nearby buildings. Del was about to run when the first carny came up and looked at him.

“Did they rob ya?” he asked. He was old, at least in his fifties. Something seemed strange about his mouth. Del couldn’t figure out what it was at first.

“No. They punched me, that’s all,” Del said. “I’m sorry. I better go.”

“Hold on son,” the old man scowled. That was it. The guy had no front teeth. “You got hit pretty hard. You’s bleeding and you’s cheek’s cut open.”

“I shouldn’t have been here,” Del said. He could feel his tears welling up. He was scared to death.

“Chaz, get this boy outta here,” the old man said. Another man, much bigger came closer. Del gasped. He was so handsome; the moonlight was bathing his face with a silvery glow. His only flaw was a long ragged scar running down his left cheek from his eye to the corner of his mouth.

“We’ll get blamed for him even if it was those hoods that did it,” the old man said. The young scarred man stepped closer and Del could see he wasn’t much older than he was. The other boy reached out and gently touched his skin. “That’s gonna be quite the shiner.”

“Get the mark outta here,” the old man grunted. “He’ll cause us nothing but heartache.”

Chaz, the younger scarred man, nodded once to the old man. “Sure Sam. I’ll get him outta here.”

Del felt his arm pinched tight by the other boy and he dragged him toward the shadows.

“I’ll go back. I’m sorry ….”

“Shhh!” Chaz interrupted him. “You need tending to. Just stay quiet for a minute.”

The two boys stood in the darkness behind the building and waited until the carnies had walked away, grumbling about marks, their word for fairgoers.

“Follow me,” Chaz whispered. “You need some ice on that eye.”

The other boy led him back to the side of the carny camp to a broken down trailer with a screen door that flapped shut after them.”

“Ma!” he called out. There was no need. The one room trailer was barely ten feet by ten feet. No one else was there.

“Let’s get some light,” the other boy said. He quickly lit a match and put it to an old, dented kerosene lamp. Chaz grabbed a small tin kettle and ladled some water in it from a pail by the window. He lit a spirit lamp and set the kettle on the stand above it. “I’ll get you some ice.”

Del silently watched as the man ducked his head and disappeared out the door. He looked around the gloomy insides of the trailer. A couple of cots lined two of the walls with a little table sitting in between. A deeply scarred bureau and a tiny dresser were against the far wall. In the murky light he saw a couple of pictures hung on the walls, old circus posters with outlandish colors that were faded in the lamp light.

The kettle had just begun to whistle when Chaz came in from outside carrying a bucket with a chunk of ice peeking out of it.

“I really should go,” Del said making his way towards the door.

“No. They hurt you. I’m mending ya,” Chaz said chipping away at the ice and putting the shards into a small cloth bag. “Them leather jacket gang boys are dangerous. You got lucky we saw ‘em.”

“Thank you,” Del said.

Chaz sat on one of the cots and patted the blanket next to him. “Sit down. Put this on your cheek,” he ordered.

Del hesitated then followed the larger boy’s orders. He sat down taking care not to be too close. Chaz scooted closer and placed the bag in his hand. Del looked at it dumbly.

“Put it on your eye, like this,” Chaz said taking Del’s hand and lifting it to his face. Chaz’s hands were rough and calloused though his touch was light and delicate. He gently pushed Del’s hand with the bag onto his face. The boy’s hand paused after letting go of Del’s.

“I better get this wound washed out. Who knows what kind of germs that boy’s ring had in it.” Chaz got up and took the kettle off the spirit lamp stand pouring the steaming water into a basin. He ladled a few more cups of water and grabbed a small rag. Chaz stepped toward Del and stopped.

“I won’t hurt you,” he promised.

Del nodded and the other boy sat down next to him, close. He could smell the boy’s sweat, not acrid like most, almost musky and rich. Del could also smell cabbage wafting off of him and Chaz’s breath had a hint of tobacco to it.

“It’s just soap and water,” Chaz promised wringing out the rag. “Let me get to it.”

Del lifted the icebag from his face. The scarred boy leaned even closer and gentle dabbed at the wound. Screwing up his face, Chaz shuddered.

“That ring ripped you up something fierce.”

Del winced once when the dabbing was a little too probing but he was also mesmerized by Chaz’s face. The other boy was concentrating so hard on cleaning Del’s skin, eyes squinting in the meager light from the one lamp.

“There,” Chaz said with a grin. The boy looked at Del’s eyes and something changed. Del could see something different, a gleam of pain reflected back at him. “How’re you feeling?”

“I’m, um, I’m okay,” Del croaked.

Chaz wasn’t pulling back. He was still close, his breath felt like feathers on Del’s cheek.

“What happened to your face?” Del asked. He tugged his eyes from Chaz’s chocolate brown ones.

The boy didn’t answer but stood up and put the basin on the table.

“Ddddddo you need more ice?” Chaz stammered. “I’m sorry. I get awkward sometimes.”

“I do too,” Del said quietly. “I’m told I’m at an awkward age.”

“How old are you?” Chaz asked. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m just asking.”

“I’m seventeen,” Del answered. He wondered if the buzzing feeling in his head was due to the impact of the punch. He felt light headed. It wasn’t a bad feeling though.

“I am too,” Chaz said. “That’s why I live here with Tansey. She’s kind of like my mom.”

“How long have you worked for the carnies?” Del asked. After he said it, he wanted to slap himself. What a rude way to refer to them. Chaz didn’t even blink though.

“Two years. We work the northern circuit early on and move down south later in the year. It’s a great way to see the country,” he said. His finger ran the length of his scar. Del couldn’t help but stare.

“What happened to your face? Was it a knife fight?” Del asked him again. He couldn’t help it. Del had to know though he wanted to take back the words. Chaz just shrugged and answered him.

“It was a chain off the Tilt-A-Whirl that broke. I’m lucky ‘cause it coulda took my eye.”

Del didn’t know how to respond to that. Farm accidents were pretty common and seeing a farmer with a missing limb or scarred face wasn’t rare. Something about it happening to Chaz hurt deep inside though. Del felt his insides turn as he imagined the gaping wound on the boy’s face.

“I should go,” Del said after some time. “I’ve preyed upon your hospitality long enough.”

“Please stay a little while longer,” Chaz begged. “Most of the other carnies are older and treat me like a kid.”

Del could see the eagerness, the desperation in his face. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to talk to Chaz and find out everything about him. Del felt the overwhelming urge to discover everything that Chaz thought about, dreamed of, and loved. The only other time he’d felt like this was around Orv sometimes. But unlike Orv, Chaz seemed to want to give of himself, without boundaries.

The two of them talked without pausing. Chaz got Del more ice and even a frosty cold root beer. The scarred boy told him how he’d grown up on a little farm in Michigan and ran away with the carnies. He lived and worked with them and though it was hard, they’d become his family.

Del told the carny about his animals and high school. He couldn’t say enough about his life though he wanted to know more about Chaz’s. It was surprising how open and free he felt. He could tell the carny anything and Chaz wouldn’t think badly of him. With every revelation, Del could see the other boy soaking it up with care. Soon the words began to run out while the feelings just seemed to get denser.

Seeing the time in the old clock on the table, Del said he had to go. Chaz looked forlorn about it.

The carny walked Del out the screen door. The moon was up above and the silvery gleam illuminated Chaz’s face. “Let me take one last look,” his carny said. He stepped closer and looked at it, touching Del’s cheek. “Would you come back tomorrow night?”

“I guess if you’re not sick of me,” Del said. His heart pounded and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know why but he’d started thinking of the scarred boy as his carny, Chaz as his own.

“No. Not at all,” Chaz said and he leaned closer. Del wasn’t sure what was happening but when the other boy’s lips brushed against his, an explosion went off in his head. He leaned into the kiss, Chaz tasted like root beer. He liked it and pushed Chaz against the side of the trailer. Chaz pushed him gently away from him though his hands clenched the farm boy’s shirt. Del was rocked by the raw, desperate look in the other boy’s eyes. It was ravenous. Del felt his arm tremble.

“What just happened?” Del asked. “I didn’t mean that to happen.”

“I’m sorry. I just had to do it,” Chaz said. His face was so sad. Del couldn’t take his eyes off the boy’s scarred cheek.

“Good night,” Del said kissing him quickly. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

Del raced through the night back to the dorms.

*****************

Del looked around and wondered why everything was so much more there today. The candied apples in the window of the white-painted stand were so red, redder than it seemed possible. Del took a deep breath and the aroma of the caramel popcorn coming from there was so rich and mouthwatering, more than it had the day before.

“You’re such an oaf,” Orv said coming from behind him. “I can’t believe you tripped and fell on a fence post.”

Orv smelled more rank than he ever had, his sweat stung Del’s eyes. He’d noticed the hay smelled more perfumed, the manure more acrid, and even the oats had such a dusty, airy scent to them. It was like his senses had come alive; while before, yesterday, everything was ordinary. Today it all was so much more alive and vibrant.

“What were you doing again?” Mabel asked him.

Del could see confusion and concern etched into her look. She didn’t believe the fence post story, not at first. Now she was staring at him, noticing the differences in his mind. Del could tell.

“I snuck out to get some popcorn and tripped on it in the dark. That’s how clumsy I am,” Del said with a grin.

That was the other thing. He couldn’t stop smiling. Even carrying water to his animals had seemed like less work. The heavy buckets were light in his hands. Del felt like he had more energy and it was wonderful. He couldn’t figure out why exactly, except he felt different, somehow.

Mabel was still puzzling as she looked at him. Orv was sitting on a pile of bales, chewing on a blade of grass. Mabel looked so washed out, less vibrant, while Orv’s presence loomed in Del’s eyes. He wished Chaz was here. How could he get Mabel to fulfill his need to be with Chaz?

“You shouldn’t go out in the dark Del,” Mabel warned. “It looks like someone punched you in the eye.”

“Naw. I’m just a clod-hopper,” Del chuckled. “Say, can I ask you a question Mabel? You know, over there.”

Everyone around looked at him but Del didn’t feel one speck of embarrassment. He felt like he could take on the world and that’s exactly what he was going to do.

“What?” Mabel asked quietly.

“I was thinking we could take a little stroll tonight, just you and me,” Del whispered. “If you’d like.”

Mabel’s face changed completely. Her look of concern became one of delight. “Really!”

“I thought we could check out those black cows they make at the midway. You like root beer right? I know you like ice cream,” Del said moving closer. “I’d like to treat you to one.”

“That would be nice,” Mabel said and she even squeezed his forearm with her hand. “I’d like that Del.”

*****************

Del wondered if he could get Mabel into the shadows. She’d held onto his arm the whole time as they walked over to the ice cream stand amongst the flashing lights and loud music of the rides. They’d paused only once to watch as the carousel went round and round, the horses and cows, pigs and sheep rode up and down on the brass poles. The sounds of the calliope rang in their ears with frivolity and gaiety.

“Can I ask you a question?” Mabel asked pulling on Del’s arm to get his attention.

“Sure thing,” he answered watching the other boys and girls their age go round and round.

“What really happened last night? You’re different today. You’ve got a look in your eye that wasn’t there before,” she asked.

Del stopped seeing the carousel; his breath became heavy in his chest. “What do you mean?”

“You seem happier today,” Mabel said. “More confident.”

“Well, that’s easy to explain,” Del said letting his breath go. “I got the prettiest girl in Freeborn County to step out with me.”

Mabel hugged his side. “That’s quite the line you’ve got Mr. Peterson. I hadn’t agreed to go out yet, but this morning you were acting like the cock of the walk.”

“You told me last night you’d step out with me later this week. I just got a little more courage knowing you were willing,” Del lied. “I slept good knowing my best gal thought I was an okay guy.”

Mabel seemed to accept that answer and got a little closer. She laid her head on his shoulder.

“Do you think I could kiss you Mabel Norquist?” Del whispered into her ear. “I promise I just want a little kiss to finish out a pretty darned good day.”

Mabel looked up at him; her blue eyes shimmered in the sparkling midway lights. “Maybe just one would be okay.”

The two of them wandered slowly towards the back of a game tent. They rounded the corner to find another couple kissing. Startled, the other two ran off. Mabel and Del chuckled at them.

“You may kiss me Mr. Peterson,” she said shyly.

Del leaned down, his lips touched hers. He pressed against her and their mouths opened slightly. Mabel pulled back, her cheeks flush, eyes glistening in the gloom.

“Thank you,” Del said after a moment. “That was real nice.”

“We should be getting back to the dorms,” Mabel said breathlessly. She seemed more animated, a little scattered. “We mustn’t get carried away.”

They walked toward the dorms, Mabel almost pulling on his arm. Del thought she seemed overly eager to get rid of him. It kind of hurt in his chest.

When they got to the area between the boy’s and girl’s dorms, they stopped and looked at each other. Mabel was breathing heavily, looking around wildly, and tugging on his sleeve.

“Thank you for being a gentleman and restraining yourself,” Mabel said. “For that you get a goodnight kiss.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “That was really special Del.”

“Good night Mabel,” Del said woodenly.

“Good night,” she said waving to him. Del watched as she walked toward the door, looking back and smiling.

Del turned and walked over to the boy’s dorm, his head feeling heavy and dense.

‘What had she meant by restrain himself?’ Del thought. ‘I was pushing her to get a kiss and she felt I restrained myself?’

Del walked by the entrance to the dorms and continued on in a daze. He was so confused. Kissing Mabel should have been electric, thrilling. He should be dancing and feeling lighter than air. Del’s heart should be skipping like it did last night.

Like after he kissed that boy, the carny. But he wasn’t. He felt dead and heavy. When he kissed Chaz the world opened up and sang to him. When he kissed Mabel, it felt nice, warm, but not like the world was lit with a thousand lanterns or filled with fireworks going off in all directions.

Del walked along with his thoughts until he found he was near the edge of the carny camp. He’d promised Chaz he’d come by and see him, but he couldn’t. Del watched as the carnies sat around their fire and tipped back bottles, all laughing. He was outside their world. He was alone.

“Psst!” Del heard. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

“Chaz?” he asked, his voice becoming animated again. “Are you out here?”

“Yeah. Come with me,” he said. Del looked over and saw the boy with the scarred cheek grinning at him and beckoning. “Hurry up!”

Del followed, his legs strong and agile again. Chaz led him past a line of bushes around to the far edge of the carny camp.

“This way, quick like a bunny,” Chaz whispered. “In here.”

Del followed the boy into a trailer that looked even more decrepit than the one last night. He stepped over the threshold and saw Chaz sit down cross legged on a pile of blankets. Next to him was an old barn lantern, little ribbons of light escaped the slotted tin walls.

“They won’t find us here,” Chaz gestured for Del to come in. “Shut the door.”

Del paused, battling his own instincts. The boy could rob him or beat him or…no, it was Chaz. He looked magnificent bathed in the splinters of light the lantern gave the room.

“I’m so glad you came,” Chaz giggled. “I missed you today.”

“I’m not sure how to answer that,” Del said haltingly.

“Never mind. Sit next to me,” Chaz said patting the blankets.

Del crawled closer and as he neared the boy, his senses came aroused again. The smells of the must and mildew, the smoke from the lantern, and especially the spicy, rich smell of Chaz enveloped him. Before he even got settled, his carny was on him, touching him, kissing his lips, his cheeks. It was amazing. Del couldn’t stop himself as he grappled with Chaz. The boy’s body was so tight, but soft to the touch.

“I’ve been thinking about you all day,” Chaz said softly. “Have you thought about me?”

Del couldn’t answer. He had thought about Chaz and the emotions welling from that kiss last night. The farm boy dove back into the carny’s face. “Less talking, more kissing,” he grunted pushing the other boy over.

“What the hell?” they both heard as the door slammed open. “Chaz, what the tarnation!”

A woman shaped figured was standing before them with a man next to her. “I told you this better not happen again,” the male voice said.

“But, he’s okay. He’s not gonna cause trouble,” Chaz cried. “Let him stay.”

“I said no marks in the camp and I meant it. They cause nothing but trouble,” the toothless man ordered. “Get the hell outta here.”

“Tansey, don’t do this,” Chaz sobbed. “Don’t make him leave!”

“Get going townie,” the woman said calmly. “You’re not welcome here.”

Del got quickly to his feet. He rushed past the woman. She was young, maybe in her twenties. Her face was a twisted mass of emotions. Sam’s face was furious. His eyes darted back and forth between the woman and Chaz, pointedly ignoring Del.

Del rushed into the night and raced back to the dorms. He thought he was going to die.

***************

Del watched as Chaz opened the door letting the giggling girls out of the Tilt-A-Whirl seat. He looked radiant in the bright sunlight, his hair gleaming and his face a deep chestnut brown. Chaz looked up and saw him standing there. He smiled and gestured for Del to come over.

He didn’t want to acknowledge the carny. Del had been avoiding the midway, staying as far away as he could. He was scared he’d see Tansey or Sam, or even worse Chaz. The farm boy had tried to pretend the two of them getting caught hadn’t happened. He was pretty good at pretending except the world became gray again.

The sensations, the colors, had all faded after that night. He awoke the next day and did his chores, brushed his animals, talked with Orv, Mabel, Johnny and it was all a blur. The candied apples were dusty rose. The caramel corn smelled sickeningly sweet. Even the calliope annoyed him, its song now sounded like a funeral march.

Del had even kissed Mabel a couple more times but that made it worse. The world was washed empty of vitality. He had to push himself to kiss her. Del had to restrain himself from running to Chaz, even now with people all around. Chaz frowned at the farm boy and beckoned him again.

Del looked over and saw his parents and sisters were busy getting freshly roasted peanuts from a vendor. He ran over to see the boy, probably for the last time. The state fair only had one day left. Tomorrow was the American Dirt Car Race. It would decide who had the fastest car in the country. Everyone was going and then it would be time to head home to the farm. It would all be over.

“How’re you?” Chaz whispered to him. “I’m sorry about that night. Can we meet up later? I got a better place.”

“I can’t. My family’s here and they wouldn’t want me sneaking out,” Del said. “I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Chaz looked like he was about to cry. “Tomorrow then. No one will be around. Meet me at the trailer. I have to talk to you.”

“I can’t,” Del said. “I’m sorry.”

Del turned and saw his family staring at him. His father looked angry, his mother annoyed. “I gotta go.”

“Tomorrow at my trailer,” Chaz said once again. “I have to see you.”

Del shook his head and ran back to his family.

“Why were you talking to him?” his mother asked. “They all pull scams you know.”

“Most of them are perverts and deviants,” his father growled.

“I dropped my wallet and he was giving it back to me,” Del lied. “It was a nice thing to do.”

“Check it. Bet the money’s all gone,” his father said. “Do it now in case it’s missing.”

Del looked up to see Chaz’s face fall. He looked through the wallet and back at the carny. Sam was with him now, yelling at him. The old man cuffed the boy’s ear and yelled some more. Del wanted to cry he was so upset.

“It’s all here,” he muttered to his parents.

“You’re lucky,” his mother said. “Keep it in your front pocket from now on.”

*************

Del slipped away from the dorms. He’d told his parents he had a stomachache and couldn’t go to the race with them. They bought his story after he made himself throw up. Del had to see Chaz and say goodbye. His carny was all he could think about. Chaz’s smile and tears haunted his nights. The ghost of the scarred boy filled his mind.

As Del walked through the midway, he watched as the carnies disassembled the rides. They removed the canvas from the booths and detached the signs. No one looked at him as he passed by. He was no longer a mark, a townie to them. Now, Del was just a nobody.

The camp was deserted. Most of them had gone to take down rides and booths while he supposed others were at the race. There were no people to stand in his way now. Chaz opened the door and Del quickly slipped inside.

The carny had a bruise on his neck and a scab on his ear. “What happened?” Del asked reaching for him.

“I’m done with them, with these people,” Chaz said abruptly. “I’m going to Chicago.”

“Oh,” Del said. “What’s there?”

“No carnies anyway,” he said. “I want you to come with me.”

Del looked at him in surprise. “I can’t go to Chicago with you. I’m not old enough to be on my own.”

“Neither am I, but together we could be,” Chaz said looking down. “I want you with me. Come with me.”

Del thought about his parents, the farm, and his animals. He would marry Mabel and settle down, have kids and be a regular guy.

Or did he have to?

He looked at Chaz. His face looked so defeated, but it was the face that excited him. The boy made him feel like the world was a great place. His kisses made colors sharper, sounds more vibrant, and even manure smelled sweeter. If he left with Chaz, he’d be living on the edge of society, like the carny camp was on the edge of the fairgrounds. It wasn’t a life he could see himself living. Del wasn’t that kind of man, not that he was a man, not yet.

“I can’t Chaz. I wish I could be strong like you but I can’t.”

“I love you,” Chaz muttered. “You don’t know me but I’m real loyal and I’d take care of you.”

“I can’t,” Del said.

“Kiss me,” Chaz said. “Just one last kiss.”

Del moved forward, his hands reached for him but at the last minute, he stopped. If he kissed Chaz, he’d leave with him. He’d forgo a normal life and live on the edge of normality. Del could love this boy, this man, but it would be a hard life. It would be too hard for him to survive.

Del stepped back. “I have to go.”

And then the farm boy fled.

***************

“Dad! It’s time to go to the funeral,” Del heard his daughter call out from the front door.

“Just a minute,” he yelled back at her. He looked at the handwritten pages in his hand. Del thought if he wrote out his story, those scars wouldn’t itch so dang much. It hadn’t helped. If anything, the memory of Chaz and what they’d done, how he’d felt, stung even more acutely. Now Del could almost smell the man’s scent, stale tobacco with a hint of root beer and leather mixed in.

“We’re going to be late,” he heard from the doorway. Del looked up and saw his middle-aged daughter’s tired, sad eyes on him.

“I’ll be just another minute,” he said woodenly looking back at the scribbled pages. “I need to bank the fire before we go.”

“All right. Dad. I know this is hard on you. You and Mom had a long life together and if you cry it’s okay,” Debbie said. “It’s only natural to miss her.”

“I’ll be okay,” Del said. He gave her a half-hearted smile and nod. “I’ll meet you at the car.”

“We’ll go through her things next week. Okay?” Debbie said as she walked away.

Del didn’t feel much sadness considering his companion of almost fifty years was gone. He’d never loved her, not like he did the carny. But he was fond of her and she’d be missed.

Del got up and walked over to the black metal stove and opened the door. The embers of the wood made his face sweat as he tossed each page into the fire. They caught a blaze quickly as each piece of paper entered the maelstrom. The old man supposed it would be cathartic letting his past burn away, each word going up in smoke through the stovepipe. Instead, he felt like it was saying goodbye to the only world he’d ever known.

Tears streamed down his face as the last page went in. He took the long, barbed poker and stirred the ashes. Not a word was left about the love of his life. Del sighed and closed the doors. He didn’t wipe the tears away. He left them on his face for his daughter to see. Let her think they were tears for his wife Mabel, not tears for his carny. She would tell his son Charlie he cried for their mother. It would make them feel better.

Del pulled a piece of newsprint out of his back pocket. It was dated two months ago. He read the words again for the umpteenth time.

“August 15^th, 1996

In Memory of Constance (Tansey) Fitzgerald Pontmercy

Constance is survived by her husband Charles (Chaz), her son Delbert (Bert) and her daughter Emily.”

After the funeral, he was going to Chicago. He already had his train ticket and an address.

Del was going to see his carny. He would never run again.