Tough Love - 1. Tough Love

Tough Love

Curt slid his key into the lock and turned the knob, pushing at the door with his knee. “Trey, I’m home. I did a little Christmas shopping today and bought homemade chili down at Mamie’s Diner for dinner tonight. Trey?” Frowning, Curt kicked the door shut, dropping his shopping bags carelessly onto the rug in the den before carrying the bag that contained the container of chili into the kitchen. Depositing it onto the counter, he searched the counter and front of the refrigerator for a note from Trey, his boyfriend of three years.

Feeling concerned, he pulled his cellphone from his coat pocket and dialed Micky, his friend and Trey’s therapist. “Hey, bud. Did Trey have an appointment with you this evening?”

“It’s Friday, Curt. You know I see him on Thursday evenings so he doesn’t miss any work. Why? What’s up?”

Curt, feeling a little overprotective sighed before speaking into the phone. “I’m a little worried. It’s not like him not to leave a note if he goes somewhere after work. I’d told him I was going to the mall when I got off and would be home by seven. It’s a little after that now and he’s not here.”

“Do you think he stopped off for a beer at Crossroads?”

“I don’t know. If I go looking for him or call him, he’ll think I’m checking up on him. He’s been pretty touchy since the attack.”

Micky heard the pain in his friend’s voice. “Tell you what. Why don’t I meet you there and if he’s there we’ll say I called and asked the two of you to come have a drink with me since Joel’s out of town. Whadda you think?”

“I think I’d go regardless, but your plan sounds better. See you there in a few minutes. Wherever he went, he took a taxi because his truck is in the garage. The bar sounds like a good place to start.” Curt clicked his phone off and went to relieve himself before heading back out in the snow.

***

The drive to Crossroads took longer than Curt anticipated. Even his Jeep didn’t help much with the snow falling as heavily as it was now. Catching sight of the large orange light that blinked the name of the bar, he braked gently. Easing his Jeep into the small parking lot, he had to drive around to the back of the bar to find a place to park. He got out of his Jeep and locked it, pulling the collar of his leather jacket up around his cheeks, the cold air biting at his face.

Micky watched the door for Curt, worried because Trey wasn’t in the bar. When the door opened to admit Curt, snow covering his black hair, the other man wanted to go and hug him. His friend seemed to have aged years in the months since the attack on Trey. Raising his hand in the air to get Curt’s attention, he noticed Curt’s eyes flit around the bar in search of his boyfriend.

“He’s not here.” Curt stated the obvious as he sat down on the bar stool beside Micky. “I’m going to text him and let him know where I am.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly texted Trey, his forehead wrinkled with worry.

“Maybe he and Sara went out for a bite or something.” Micky grasped at straws to ease Curt’s fears.

Curt shook his head sadly. “Sara told me that Trey has hardly talked to her since the attack. The only time they speak more than a few words is if they are working on a project together. She said his work isn’t suffering at all. I figure it’s his outlet because he sure as hell isn’t talking to me. We’re like a couple of strangers until we go to bed at night. When I turn off the light, he spoons me from behind. I don’t mean in a sexual way either. I feel like he’s hiding behind me or something. It’s killing me to see him this way, Micky. Has he talked to you at all about the attack yet?”

“You know I can’t tell you what we talk about. I’ve wanted to talk to you for the past couple of months but I kept thinking that maybe Trey would break. It’s not happening though. Trey agreed to let a colleague of mine that’s dealt with cases like his sit in on a couple of our sessions. Dr. Foster is concerned that Trey may be suicidal… Now don’t look like that. Ninety percent of gay men that are victims of hate crimes become suicidal at some point after the attack. They don’t all commit suicide. We talked about using a different approach with Trey, but we’ll need your help and it’s not going to be easy.”

Curt sat up straighter on his stool. “I’ll do anything if it will help Trey. That goes unsaid. Just tell me what you want me to do and when.”

Micky studied his friend, knowing what he was about to suggest was not going to go over well with Curt. He’d never do anything to hurt Trey and what he was going to suggest would seem like it was going to hurt tremendously, but if it worked, it would do just the opposite.

“Can I ask you a personal question? It’s about you and Trey.” Mickey waited for Curt’s answer. When the other man nodded his head yes, he continued. “Have the two of you had any kind of sexual relations since the attack? I don’t mean just intercourse, but anything beyond kissing or hugging?” Micky trailed off, his professionalism kicking in so he wouldn’t be embarrassed by questioning his friend.

Curt felt his face flush but answered quietly. “No, no more than a peck on the cheek before we both leave for work and sometimes if I do something extra nice for him such as buying flowers or his favorite bourbon, he’ll hug me. If I try to take things farther, he shies away from me. I don’t understand. He says his attackers didn’t rape him. Some people deal with things different than others. I’ll give him all the time he needs. I love him. It’s like something just pulled a curtain shut when it comes to his emotions. I see nothing when I look into his eyes now but an almost blank stare. Since he’s refused meds, I know it’s not that. Another thing is when he used to drink he’d initiate the sex. Now it seems to push him farther away from me. I just don’t know.” Curt’s shoulders slumped, a testament to his feelings of defeat.

“I need you to do something. Sometime this weekend…” Micky trailed off as Curt’s phone beeped signaling an answer to his text.

I’m almost home. Mrs. Dewitt asked me to drive her to the store in her car. Walked over to her house to take her. Walking back home now. I’ll be there when you get there. T.

Curt read the text aloud to Micky.

“Doesn’t Mrs. Dewitt live almost a mile from ya’ll?”

Curt shrugged. “Trey takes long walks all the time, rain, snow or shine. She is actually almost two miles away. He helps her with her yard and keeps her driveway cleared. He’s been over there most Saturdays since the attack.” Realizing what he’d just said, Curt became quiet. Trey was spending more and more time away from him.

“I’m sorry. What were you saying before the text came in?”

Micky continued, “Sometime this weekend, I want you to pick a fight with Trey. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but just something that you can seem irritated about that he doesn’t want to do.”

“Sex is a good start.” Curt mumbled the words but Micky heard them loud and clear.

“Ok, sex then. Try to initiate sex, when he declines, corner him and ask him when you’re going to be lovers again and not just roommates. Word it however you’d normally say it. You don’t have to go over the top with it. If he shies away, which he’ll probably do, let it go. After he goes to bed or the first time he goes out of the house, move your clothes to the guest room. Put them in the closet and in drawers where they can’t be seen. Don’t leave any of them in the room that ya’ll share. Then stay out of sight in the guestroom until he wakes or comes back home.” Micky waited to see if Curt understood what he wanted him to do.

“I don’t think he’d care if I moved to the guestroom at this point. He knows that if he came in there, I’d let him sleep with me.” Curt was obviously puzzled.

“No, when he wakes or comes back to find all of your clothes gone, he’ll immediately think that you’ve left him. If all goes as it has with other patients, he’ll either have a complete meltdown or you’ll see what happens otherwise.” Micky saw the look of horror come across Curt’s face.

“I can’t do that to him. He might do something drastic.”

“Remember, Curt. You’ll be within steps of him. It’s worth a try. Do you want to live with a shell of the man you love or the man you fell in love with? Time to make a choice.” Micky watched the emotions flitting across his friend’s face. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Trey has tuned his emotions out and that’s not good, Curt. If we can evoke the least bit of emotion from him, we’ve started knocking down the wall. If we have to do it little by little, so be it. I need your help to do it.”

“I’m thinking that it’s close to Christmas and I’m fixing to break the heart of the man I love. He could snap and hate me from now on. What then? What if I lose him? I don’t want to be without him.”

“Curt. Both of you look terrible. This can’t go on. Trey is going to snap on his own if we don’t try to help him. Will you at least try?”

Pondering Micky’s question, Curt finally whispered, “I’ll do it. But so help me God, if he hurts himself before I can get to him, I’ll never forgive you or myself.” Curt threw some bills on the bar and stalked out the door into the snow, the cold reminding him of the man he was going home to. As he got into his Jeep and drove out of the parking lot, he felt hot tears flood his eyes as he prayed that he wasn’t about to lose the best thing that had ever happened to him. After driving around for a while, he headed home.

***

Curt wasn’t surprised when he walked into a warm, dark house. The fireplace still had a small fire in it and he could smell the chili that Trey had warmed earlier. His stomach turned at the thought of eating anything. He shook the snow from his coat, uncaring that it went onto the rug in front of the fire, taking it and hanging it in the guestroom closet, testing himself to see if had the strength to do what he needed to do. Taking the coward’s way out, he decided not to wait and initiate a confrontation with Trey, but go ahead and carry out the plan while Trey was asleep. There was going to be enough hurt without an argument.

An hour later, he sat in front of the fire, staring into the flames that he’d brought to life with fresh wood. The drink in his hand was his third of the night and over half of his clothes were in the guestroom along with all his toiletries and shoes. He’d put the toiletries out of sight and none of his things could be seen by anyone that glanced into the room. Getting to his feet, he went to finish his task before he himself went to spend the rest of the night in the guestroom.

***

Curt lay on the floor, the bed hiding him lying in the sleeping bag on the other side of the bed. He could see a little bit of the first light of day through the small crack at the bottom of the blinds on the window above him. His back ached from his night on the floor, but it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart. He pulled the zipper of the sleeping bag downward. Easing himself quietly from it, he stood up and went to relieve himself. He was careful to shut the bathroom door so the flush couldn’t be heard from their bedroom. Padding back into the bedroom in his socks, he sat down on the sleeping bag, waiting for daylight. The gray sweats he wore were plenty warm as he put his back against the side of the wall, running the toothpaste around on his teeth that he put on his tongue. He hadn’t wanted to spend too much time in the bathroom, but the bourbon from a few hours before still lingered in his mouth.

“Pleeeease no. Currrrrt…” A moment of silence. “Currrt, please.”

Curt felt his heart clench when he heard Trey wail his name over and over. He clinched his fists to keep from getting up and running to him. He could tell from the up and down volume of the sound that he was walking from the bedroom to the kitchen and was now in the den. He listened intently as his boyfriend sobbed, the sobs becoming smothered as if Trey had put his hands over his face. Unable to withstand anymore, he walked to the door of the guestroom.

Trey sat in front of the fireplace, sobbing into his hands talking almost incoherently. “You wouldn’t have wanted me anyway after what they did…over and over again. They violated me. I’m dirty. Nobody wants me.” Trey buried his face in his knees that he had drawn to his body. His words were muffled but Curt heard them as clearly as the new layer of snow that lay on the ground outside. “I’ll love you forever…forever.”

“I’m here my love, I’m here.” Curt put his arms around Trey from behind, gently turning the man in his arms so that they were facing each other. Pulling Trey’s hands from his face he said, “I’ll always want you…no matter what. Nothing will ever change that. Do you hear me? Nothing.” He slowly leaned toward the sobbing man, still holding his hands and gently kissed him, hoping Trey could feel how much he loved him. Feeling Trey begin to respond, Curt deepened the kiss and pulled him close to his chest.

Trey pulled back and for the first time in eight months, the light had returned to his eyes. His smile, though uncertain, was for the man in front of him, the man he loved.

***

An hour and many tears later, the two men sat on the couch, Curt’s back against Trey’s chest as they let the conversation end, and letting their life begin from there. Feeling Trey’s arms tighten around his chest, Curt kissed the hands he held, caressing the fingers one by one, with love in each touch.

“There’s one thing you haven’t asked.” Trey spoke clearly.

“You’ll tell me when you’re ready. After what you’ve been through, I can understand your fear right now. I’d never hurt you. You know that.” Curt turned his head to the side and kissed Trey tenderly.

“Yes, I do know and that’s why I want to start working toward it as soon as possible. Our lovemaking was beautiful and I want it again.”

“We have plenty of time Hun, plenty. Now, let’s call Micky and invite him to breakfast. What do you say? He probably didn’t sleep a wink last night.”

“I need to thank him for jarring me. If he hadn’t talked you into ‘tough love’ as it’s called, I’d never be me again. I’d be someone you used to know.”

***

Two Weeks Later (Christmas Eve)

“Are you guys ever going to leave?”

Micky and his boyfriend Joel, both a little tipsy turned to Trey in feigned shock. “Did you just rudely ask us when we were leaving?” Micky hiccupped as he spoke.

“On second thought, Curt, looks like we are going to have company for Christmas. I wouldn’t trust either of these behind a wheel and anyway, they were coming over later tomorrow anyway. Ok then, off to the guestroom you two. My man and I have a little private celebration of our own yet.” Trey looked teasingly at Curt.

“We do, do we? Do tell. I love celebrations, especially private ones.” Curt giggled, a little drunk himself, but hurried the other two men towards the guestroom, telling them where they could find everything. “Oh yeah, there’s spare toothbrushes on the shelf above the towels. See you in the morning. Merry Christmas.” He shut the door to the guestroom and turned to see Trey sitting on the couch, gesturing invitingly towards his lap.

Surprised, Curt sat down on Trey’s lap squirming mischievously. “What can I do for you, handsome?”

“I wanted to give you something in private. Do you remember the first time we met?”

Trying to think straight with the liquor fogging his mind, Curt took a deep breath. “It was at the mayor’s Christmas party three years ago. You were standing out by the pool and it was snowing like hell. I remember watching you as you stood with your face toward the sky, letting the snow pelt your face. You were beautiful. It was stuck to your hair, your black sports coat and even your feet were covered in snow. Why?”

Trey smiled up at Curt. “I thought the same of you as you stood in the picture window with your drink in one hand and the other hand in your pocket. The Christmas tree lights behind you seemed to reflect in the window around you. When I came back in, you met me at the door with a towel and brushed the snow from my tux and wiped my shoes off without saying a word. I think I fell in love with you when you stood up and handed me the towel as you whispered, ‘You’re the most beautiful Snow Fairy I’ve ever seen’.”

“Yeah, when I realized what I’d said I waited for you to punch my lights out. Instead, you asked me what I was doing for New Year’s Eve. It’s a night that I’ll never forget and never want to forget. I found you.” Curt kissed Trey softly on the lips.

“When you shook my hand that night before I left, you noticed something and complimented me on them. Do you remember what they were?” Trey waited, thinking he’d have to remind Curt since they were both drinking that night three years ago.

“Cuff links! You had on beautiful onyx cuff links with a red sapphire in the center. They were exquisite. Whatever happened to them anyway? I’ve never seen you wear them again.”

Trey pulled a small box from his pocket. It was wrapped in silver and had a ribbon shaped like a snowflake on top, glitter falling from it. “The Snow Fairy left this for you.”

Curt gently removed the snowflake, laying it on the coffee table in front of them. He then tore the wrapping paper like a kid on Christmas morning. Opening the black velvet box, the reworked cuff links glittered back at him. The gold trim encasing the onyx was even heavier than before and the red sapphires winked back at him happily. He didn’t realize he was crying until a teardrop fell onto the velvet surface holding the two pieces of jewelry. “Beautiful as you were the night I met you. I’ll treasure them always.” He turned and kissed Trey, not caring that the tears were still flowing. His Trey was back and they were tears of happiness.

In a sweet, husky, confident voice Trey stated, “I thought you might want to wear them at our wedding.”

No words were needed. They both knew their destiny. Even though the scars of the past would always be there, their love would always be stronger.