The Holly and the Ivy - 7. Thinking Out Loud

The Holly and the Ivy

Chapter Seven – Thinking Out Loud

I sat down in one of the lounge chairs on the deck outside the living room, wrapped in the woolen blanket I’d snatched from Diarmad’s bed. It was cold and smelled of snow and log fire. Landyn had drawn the curtains a while ago, making this the perfect hide-out to sort through the jumbled mess my life had become.

I had to get my head around the facts. The Seraei have been living on Earth for centuries - still a strange concept to me. However, Nana’s letter and Diarmad’s stories had convinced me that these aliens existed. Not forgetting Keelan McGill. And then there were my own problems with Luis and Tristan. My healing was better than normal and I had thrown Moira around with a mere snap of my finger. These abilities weren’t human. They weren’t mine. But….everyone said I lifted my left eyebrow just like dad. And I waved my hands around when I was excited - like grandma. The list could go on and on; fact was it had never bothered me. So, maybe I could accept Luis and Tristan as a part of me, just like I had with the rest of my family. But what about when it came to making decisions? Was I still in charge of those? Or could Luis and Tristan overrule me? The letter had said the final mate needed to be strong. We would merge and they would make themselves available, but I would have the final say. Obviously. I was strong enough, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I had to trust the…Seraei method for obtaining mates. A comforting idea. I pushed away the ‘are you sure this isn’t them telling you this is okay’ feeling.

Still, if it wasn’t the aliens-are-on-Earth, or the three-souls business, why did I feel this inner resistance? Why couldn’t I just let it happen?

It was Diarmad. His health had improved tremendously since I became close to him. Another fact. We slept in the same bed, cuddled on the couch, and it felt strangely right. How could this be right? Two days and some five-minute conversations after Christmas Mass weren’t enough to get to know someone, to feel— No!

Admit it!

I felt drawn to him. I wanted to be there for him, heal him when he was hurt, protect him. A man who was hundreds of years older than I was, a stranger. And a fucking alien king.

Ridiculous!

Yet, here I was, seeing myself by his side, ready to fight what or whoever stood in our way. Even drinking his blood didn’t disgust me anymore. I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to press my lips on his pulsing vein, scrape my teeth over the skin of his throat, feel them elongate, bite him, taste him for God’s sake!

Shit! Will my teeth elongate before I bite him? I started to giggle uncontrollably. I truly was going mad. What an idiotic question.

I knew nothing. They had told me nothing and expected me to follow along anyway. Two days. “Nobody can fall for someone in two fucking days. Right?” Groaning, I hid my face in my hands. I wanted to bite someone, drink their blood. Where did this come from? I had no fucking clue.

The glass door from the kitchen slid open and closed again. Someone had found me at last, and they were coming in my direction. I lifted my head. A tall, blond man – Simon –rounded the corner.

“Hey, I thought you could use this.” The heavenly aroma of hot cocoa and marshmallows wafted through the air. “It’s cold. Winter is close.”

“Thank you.” I had problems detangling my hand from the blanket so that I could reach for the mug he was holding patiently. Simon’s behavior towards me had taken an inexplicable turn into nice since this morning. Why?

He leaned his back against the railing, both hands cradling his cup, and watched me for so long I started to squirm. “So, I guess he finally told you, yes?”

I blew into the wafting steam, trying to figure out how to answer that. “He told me a lot, actually.”

But Simon wasn’t in the mood for guessing games. “Did Sire tell you about the joining ritual?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“You’re tucking your tail between your legs and running like a wee puppy?” He continued in a high-pitched voice, “Oh my God! No! I can’t do this! I can’t drink blood!”

I knew he was trying to get me riled up by questioning my pride; only that had never worked with me. I simply went with the truth and I could see it surprised him. “I don’t know Simon. I’m… I’m confused and angry and… ahhh this is so fucked up!” I took a too large sip from the hot cocoa and burned my tongue. “Fuck!”

I was sure he was rolling his eyes at my stupidity. His voice though, was much kinder than before. “Want to tell me?”

I looked at him, momentarily distracted by how tall he was - even taller than Landyn, though not as broad and muscular – and he was being nice. Again. Why? “You made clear from the moment we met that you didn’t like me. So what’s with the hot cocoa? Want me to burn my tongue and shut me up?”

He snorted. “A tempting idea.” Then he set his mug on the banister beside him, and shoved his hands in his pants pockets. “You’re right. I always hated you.” Now we were getting somewhere. “Did Sire tell you about my brother, Tristan?”

Huh? “Yes. Diarmad told me Tristan died saving his life.” I watched him closely, trying to gauge his mood, before I added, “And… that you didn’t take it well.”

He laughed, but it was a harsh sound. “You could say that." I waited for more, but nothing came. On the contrary, after a few moments, he even turned his back to me. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded detached. "Tristan was a little over a year younger than I was. He was small when he was born, a scrawny little thing, but that changed when he hit puberty. He became stronger and bigger than me, of which he was insanely proud.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “He loved to compete, loved to fight, there was no weapon Tristan couldn’t wield.”

The perfect mate.

“He was also loyal to his family and friends. When the time came to choose a career path, he trained in becoming a valet; today you would say bodyguard. He accompanied his master everywhere, took care of his belongings, helped him dress, managed his dates and whatnot, but most importantly, he protected him.” Simon’s grip on the banister had tightened. I wanted to go over, comfort him, but there was nothing I could say that would console him. He hated me. So instead, because I desperately needed something to do, I drank some of the now lukewarm cocoa, forcing the remnants of slimy marshmallows down my throat. I knew what he would say next.

“When I became Landyn’s final mate and learned I would live indefinitely, I didn’t think much about it at first. Then Tristan turned out to be the King’s mate and I realized how important it was for me to have him by my side. My brother wouldn’t die and forget me like the rest of my family.”

“But—”

Simon made a cutting gesture with his hand. “Only then did they tell me their precious King needed three souls. There was someone still to come. Someone, who was supposed to be better than Tristan.”

Fuck! Here it comes.

“How could someone be more worthy to be the King’s final mate than my brother?”

Sitting down I felt at a disadvantage I couldn’t tolerate. I got up, and went over to stand beside Simon. He ignored me. Now I could see how he was fighting with his emotions. His voice shook when he finally whispered, “Why did he have to leave me behind?” I saw tears glittering in his eyes before he could turn his face away from me.

I hadn’t thought about that before. As Diarmad’s mate, I would outlive my family, a notion I hadn’t considered before. They would die, generation after generation, and I would live. They would forget me, had to forget me so the secrets of the Seraei could stay hidden. All the family I would have would be Diarmad. Shit! "I understand." And I did. If there was any chance that one of my brothers could stay with me, be the same as I was…

Simon didn’t react to my words. It was as if he hadn’t heard them. “I began to hate you long before you were born.”

“Okay…”

“When rumors came up you had been found, I doubted it. I doubted everything about you. You needed protection? Why? Tristan should be enough. The logical conclusion: You couldn’t be the King’s Mate. If you were, he would be there to protect you.”

“But he wasn’t awake! He didn’t—”

“I was in denial, Noël! I wasn’t thinking straight! It wasn’t a logical conclusion at all!”

“But through me—”

Finally, he turned around and stepped forward until he was almost touching me. He was so close, I could feel his body heat. I had to control myself not to flinch. “Did you take a look at yourself lately? You’re small! Scrawny! A baby. I didn’t want you to be the King’s Mate! You’re not worthy!”

“I’m not weak!” I pushed him hard and he stumbled back. I followed. His words had awakened something in me and for a short moment, I pictured his bloody face after I had clocked him with my fist. A satisfying feeling. I took in a deep breath, tried to calm down. “Your brother just has to make do with the space I give him.”

Simon snorted. “You better grow some more, otherwise it gets awfully crowded in there when he fully awakens.” He waved his hands at my body, but when he tried to touch me, I backed away from him. “I’m explaining why I hated you, Noël. Hated, as in the past! I’m not doing that anymore.”

I scoffed. “Sure.”

“Well, you made it difficult for me to like you. Landyn volunteered to be your bodyguard. All I saw was I could lose him too, because of you. First Tristan, then him…”

“I would have hated me too.”

Simon turned his head and moonlight shone directly on his face. I could see he wasn’t angry anymore. He even smiled, albeit a sad smile. “No, you wouldn’t.”

“I wouldn’t?”

“No. You wouldn’t selfishly think of yourself. You would see the bigger picture.”

“Um…I don’t know about that.”

“I know.” An expression I couldn’t decipher darted over his face. “I don’t know how to say this right Noël, but I finally realized that devotion, and protectiveness isn’t enough to be the King's Mate. There has to be more. Landyn tried to explain this to me again and again, but I wouldn’t listen. Until today."

Devotion and protectiveness? Luis and Tristan?

“Tristan was rash sometimes, acted without thinking, depended too much on his physical strength. Had it been him and not you in the study today, it could have ended in a disaster. At the first sign of a threat, he would have stepped in front of the King, maybe even drawn a weapon. By not trusting the King to handle the situation himself, he would have let him appear weak. You, on the other side, let Sire be in control, supported him from the background only.” I could see a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Aside from one snarky remark, I heard."

I shrugged. “I only–”

“It worked perfectly. McGill was shocked at how fast the King had recovered, that’s why he reacted this strongly, even foolishly threatened you, a grave tactical error that will cost him.”

I wanted to tell Simon I did nothing special, that they weren’t conscious decisions I made, but he didn’t let me. Pacing in front of me, he continued with this strange hymn of praise. “Next you saved the King by risking your life, something Tristan would have done without hesitation of course, but afterwards you got angry with the King, forbade him to do something like this again. You demanded answers to all your questions. You were his true equal at this moment, something neither Tristan nor Luis could have ever been."

“I was just worried.” I smiled. “And nobody has praised me for yelling at people before.”

He brushed me off with a wave of his hand, bent forward and grabbed my shoulders. “You are our King’s Mate. It is exactly as Landyn has said. I can glimpse my brother in you and when you’re fully mated, I’m sure I will find more of him. The good things. I know that now. I’ll have my brother back within you.” He let go of me. “Maybe one day we can even be friends. Not now, but soon.” He flicked his finger against my nose and grinned when I scowled at him, quickly becoming serious again. “You are going to stay, aren’t you? Everybody can see you care for the King.”

He startled me with the urgency in his voice. “I don’t know Simon. Really, I simply don’t know.” Now I was pacing. “I have…feelings for him I shouldn’t have, not after knowing him for just two days.”

“Two days?”

“I’ve only seen him once a year at Christmas Eve since I was three and talked to him for five awkward minutes. That doesn’t count. What if this is just a… I don’t know… a big hoax? What if I’m only taken by this whole ‘an alien king is my mate’ thing… I mean honestly…” I ran my hand through my hair repeatedly, tugged at it until it hurt. How could I explain this right? “I’m constantly asking myself, what if those aren’t my feelings but Luis’s and Tristan’s? What if I only… I don’t know… inherited them?”

To his credit, Simon listened to my rant patiently, not interrupting me once. Then he asked, “What kind of feelings do you think you cannot have?”

I didn’t dare spell it out, I couldn’t. I thought if I did, he would laugh. How could I make him see my problem? “I always thought to fall in… I mean to start liking somebody this way, you have to know them. He is attractive, um… hot actually, but to… you know… Considering my feelings have to be genuine for the ritual…” I was rambling.

“Noël, try, only for a moment, to forget what you think you can or can’t feel. Push aside ‘normal’ as you know it, this isn’t any longer the world you knew. With those barriers down, how long have you really known the King? Only for two days?”

It was difficult at first. I had to let go of ‘I cannot’, of ‘impossible’ and listen instead to the feelings inside me. “No, no it feels longer.” I looked at Simon. “This is confusing...”

He shook his head. “For somebody as smart as you are, you can be really dense sometimes. You have known him much longer than two days Noël; think about it. Through Tristan and Luis. Open up to them. Trust them.”

Could it be that easy? I stared out into the forest. I couldn’t think of another way to let them in except by picturing a wall and then breaking it down. One by one I let my barriers fall. For the first time, I welcomed them.

To describe what I felt isn’t easy. I saw Diarmad through their eyes. No, that’s not true. Through their hearts, maybe. The many facets he was. Strong, dominant, kind, a slob? Stubborn, protective, obtuse, caring, brisk. There were feelings too, love, incredulity, happiness, joy, and many more I just soaked up without defining them. Can I trust Luis and Tristan? Maybe I should trust me instead. I would know if they were hiding something. If they were lying.

Simon startled me out of my thoughts. “You said you’re not sure what’s them, and what’s you… well I know one thing, they never had romantic feelings for the King. They were his friends, not his lovers. If you’re falling for him, that’s definitely you.”

Oh…

“One important thing to note is… I don’t even know if I should…” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“What?” I asked annoyed.

“Noël… this Diarmad you see here… he is a, let’s say… subdued version of the real man. Because of his weakness, of the imbalance of his soul, his personality is… muted. He will become himself in time. As a matter of fact, I’m really looking forward to your fights…” Grinning he raised his empty mug, “Come on let's go back inside, it’s getting nippy.”

Only when I stepped into the warm kitchen did I notice how cold I’d become despite being wrapped in a blanket most of the time. I said good night to Simon and went straight to the bedroom, looking forward to take a hot shower. Diarmad wasn’t there.

I woke several times during the night, but Diarmad wasn’t there. Like the idiot I was, I worried he was worse again, and almost went looking for him. If something had happened to him, someone would have told me.

I came into the kitchen the next morning, and found Diarmad at the table with Ronan and Landyn sitting on either side. He didn’t react to my ‘good morning’ and when Landyn offered to give me his chair, he stopped him.

What the fuck? Stepping as close as I could, I demanded, “If you don’t want me sitting with you at the table, just say so. There is no need to bring Landyn or Ronan into this. I’m not the type to force myself on people.”

I could hear the proverbial pin drop. Then, as if there had been a silent command, Landyn and Ronan pushed their chairs back, loud scraping noises interrupting the strained silence. They got up and left the room without saying a word.

I stood still beside his chair, then Diarmad slowly turned around. “Noël… I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I… after you stormed out of the room yesterday and disappeared to God knows where for the rest of the night… I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore. I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke this morning… I thought you... I don’t know what I thought. Just… when I don’t know what to do, where I stand, I tend to lash out lately.” He wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his face in my stomach. “I cannot stand this situation any longer. Will you have me? Are you going to stay? Will you at least try?”

Warmth spread through my whole body at his words, pooling in my stomach. A sense of fierce protectiveness for this man, who allowed himself to be seen in this vulnerable state, rose inside me. I knew I had to take a leap of faith here and simply trust Luis’ and Tristan’s judgment. And mine. “I’ll stay.”