My Brother Daniel - 9. Chapter 9

I’m pacing around the office when it hits me. It really should have hit me sooner but, in my defence, I was almost raped, beaten up and dragged away to wait for the police and the prospect of a night behind bars. When it hits it hits me hard; bloody hard.

“Daniel,” I gasp and lunge for the door. I find myself flying. Someone had grabbed me by the collar and swung me. The next thing I know I’m slamming face first against the wall. Fuck it hurts. I seem to have hurt my ribs somewhere along the way and suddenly I can’t breathe. “Daniel,” I manage to gasp. “Please. Daniel.”

“Try that again and I’ll break your legs.”

“Please. My boyfriend. He saw. He’s not…. He won’t understand. Please let me just talk to him.”

“The only people you’ll be talking to is the police now sit down and shut up or I’ll gag you and tie you to the chair.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Try me.”

Andy, the bastard, is eating this up. He’s smirking at me, confident he’s going to talk his way out of this and leave me taking the wrap, as usual. I can’t sit down. I have to pace. Everyone’s watching me like a hawk and one of the waiters is standing in front of the door.

“At least let me make a call.”

The nod and I take out my phone. I call Daniel’s phone but he doesn’t answer. Sara doesn’t answer hers either. I send a text saying ‘please call. It wasn’t what it seemed. I can explain. Being retained for police. I’ll explain when released.’ I don’t get a response.

Finally, the police arrive. They question us separately and I can see from the very beginning they don’t believe a word I say. Andy, that smug bastard is chatting to the policeman as if they’re old friends. I can see them casting glances. I realise I’ve cut my own throat by admitting I have a boyfriend. I’ve admitted I’m gay and played into Andy’s hands.

“If you wouldn’t mind coming down to the station we’ll see if we can get this ironed out.”

“Are you arresting me?”

“We’re simply asking you to come down to the station and have a little chat.”

“And if I refuse?”

“Then we’ll arrest you.”

“On what charge?”

“Assault. If you’re lucky we might throw in affray and breach of the peace for good measure.”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“Mr Braxton says differently and I’m sure you’ll appreciate we have to get to the bottom of this. If nothing else the restaurant management want to bring charges for breach of the peace.”

“But it wasn’t me. He was going to—. Oh, what’s the point. Alright, I’ll come with you. Are you going to put the handcuffs on?”

“Of course not. You’re not under arrest. We’re just going to have a chat, sort this all out.”

“Yeah right. You don’t know him like I do. He lies like he breaths.”

At the police station I got myself a solicitor who was pretty useless. He tried to convince me to admit to breach of the peace and walk away with a caution. The last thing I want is a criminal conviction, even a caution. My past is chequered enough as it is. Besides, it wasn’t my fault and I was still naïve enough to believe justice would be done.

After a night in the cells I’m not so sure.

I’ve never been inside a police cell before and I hope I never am again. I’d though the rooms in the hospital were bad but nothing prepared me for the squalor of a police cell. Thank god they didn’t put me in with Andy. I’d have killed him. Although, I’d be surprised if they kept him in at all. He probably sweet talked them and spent the night in his own bed.

It would almost have been bearable – the urine soaked mattress, the stench of vomit and the terror of an enclosed space in utter darkness – if I’d known for sure Andy was suffering the same fate. It would have been so much worse for him, fastidious as he is.

The light came on hours ago. I have no way of telling time. They took my phone and I have never worn a watch. It could be any time from morning to early afternoon, or so I’ve deduced. The slot in the door at eye level slides open. Someone peeps through the door and a moment later the bolt slides and the door swings open. I barely have the energy to get to my feet but figure I better had.

For once the policeman is smiling. “Out we go, sunshine,” he says.

“What time is it?”

“Time for you to get back out there and go on with your life.”

“I don’t understand.” And I don’t. things have been so crazy, going so fast I don’t know which way is up and I wouldn’t be surprised at anything that happens now.

“You’re free to go. Just call at the desk for your things. Your fingerprints will be destroyed within the next seven days. You can ring and check.”

“But…. What about the charges? The fight?”

“You’re lucky. One of the people at the restaurant came forward and told us what actually happened.”

“What did they tell you?”

“That the jerk cornered you and forced himself on you. I don’t blame you for kicking off.”

I drop my head, ashamed of the fact that tears sting my eyes. Then, suddenly, I get angry. “The bastard assaulted me, sexually assaulted me. If it hadn’t been for Daniel coming out of the restaurant I think he would have raped me. My boyfriend saw us….” I close my eyes and take a breath. “They wouldn’t even let me find him and explain. I’ve been locked up all night and if someone hadn’t come forward to say they saw it, I might have ended up in court this morning. What kind of justice is that?”

“Rough justice.”

“What happened to Andy?”

“Oh, he wasn’t very happy about being detained, kicked off pretty bad and had something of a sleepless night. He was even less happy when we confronted him with what the witness had to say. He did everything he could to wriggle off the pin but he is in court this morning and, if you want to press charges for the sexual assault he could be in court this afternoon too.”

The temptation was enormous. I want Andy to pay for everything, but there’s something else I want more. “Just give me my stuff. I have to get to Daniel.”

“If you change your mind you can always come back.”

“Yeah, right. Can’t wait.”

I grab my things and head for the door. As soon as I hit the air I call Daniel. I call him five times but there’s no answer. I call Sara and she doesn’t answer either. Just great. Well, I have to go to his place to pick up my car. If I have to I’ll camp on the doorstep. He has to come out eventually.

No one comes out. I wait for two hours, then I check again but the house looks deserted so I search the car and find a pen and some paper. I write a quick note

Daniel, it wasn’t what it seemed. That was Andy who hurt me and he hurt me again. I tried to fight him and the police came. I spent the night in the cells. I love you. Rayn.

It’s hard to walk away, well drive away, but I don’t see I have much choice. They’re obviously out and who knows when they’ll be back. My heart suddenly turns over. What if they’ve gone back with their mother? What if Daniel is going to live with her again? What if I’ve lost him? No, I have to have faith that when he reads the note he’ll understand. That he’ll give me a chance. I know I hurt him. I can’t imagine how much I hurt him and it doesn’t make it any easier, make me feel any less guilty, that it was totally not my fault.

When I get home I go straight into the shower and try to wash away the stench of the police cell. I feel like throwing away all the clothes I was wearing but I put them on to wash instead. Once I’m clean enough, I settle on the sofa and ring Daniel again. There’s no answer. I ring Sara. There’s no answer. Ten minutes later, I get a text.

You’ve no idea what you’ve done. Leave him alone. You’ve done enough.

My heart pounding I text back.

It’s not what it seemed. It was my ex. He attacked me. I fought back. Spent a night in the cells.

Another ten minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour. The temptation to text again was huge but what was the point? If she wasn’t impressed with the last text what else could I say?

It’s horrible. I can’t settle to anything. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m supposed to be working on an essay but, after an hour staring at the same page I thrust the book across the desk and give up. It’s still only midday and the last thing I feel like doing is eating, so I decide to go for a walk. There’s a park not so far away and I wander through it. I don’t know what it is, whether there really are more couples today or, whether I’m just noticing them but everywhere I look there are people holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes, which is exactly what I’d been doing the last time I was here.

Thinking about Daniel’s eyes really doesn’t make me feel any better. I love Daniel’s eyes. They’re such an unusual shade of blue and so expressive. I can always tell how Daniel’s feeling from his eyes. They’re so full of light and fun. I smile to myself just thinking of them, but the smile fades quickly as I think about what might be in those eyes right now. They’re likely to be red and puffy from crying, and dull. Daniel’s moods are like quicksilver but I doubt much is going to be able to shift him out of the doldrums this time.

Guilt washes over me and that makes me angry. It’s so unfair. The whole situation is so unfair. None of it was my fault. Dammit, I almost got raped, got into a fight and spent a night in the police station. I don’t think I’ll ever get the stink of that cell out of my nose. I went through so much last night but the worse of it all was seeing Daniel’s face and knowing how hurt and upset he’d have been.

I start walking faster. It’s so unfair. I’m shaking inside as memories of the previous night pop back into my mind. I haven’t seen Andy since before and he was pretty much the cause of my breakdown. Now he was back and he’d touched me and kissed me and…. Overwhelmed with horror at what happened and what could have happened I have just enough time to turn sharply before vomiting into the flowerbed. Some joggers make noises of disgust and disapproval as they pass, probably thinking I’m a drunk or something.

I’m shaking by the time I finish and just manage to stumble to a bench before my legs give way. Andy’s back. Andy’s back. Andy’s back and he touched me. He was going to rape me. I’m sure he was. Well, not rape me, not exactly but he would have made me come and that’s as good as rape. Worst. I know what he would have with his finger, too. We’ve done it like that often enough. He knows what I like, what I can’t resist and he would have turned me to jelly even though I didn’t want it.

Tears prickly my eyes and my stomach turns again. I’ve been thinking about Daniel so much I haven’t had time to think about me and now….

When the phone rings I answer it absently. “Hello, Rayn.” I have to resist the temptation to throw the phone across the path.

“Leave me alone,” I hiss. “Call me again and I’ll get the police on to you for harassment.”

“I’m not harassing you. I’m simply ringing to see if you’re okay after last night.”

“Of course I’m not okay. You know I’m not okay. Leave me alone Andy.” I’m about to disconnect the call when something occurs to me. “How did you get my number?”

“They might have left the bag with your belongings around on the desk last night and maybe I persuaded the young lady behind the desk to look the other way for a few minutes.”

“That’s…that…. Just leave me alone Andy. Get the message. I hate you. I don’t want anything to do with you. Get out of my life and stay out. I have someone else now. I have a boyfriend.”

“Not anymore.”

“Don’t say that. I’ll sort it out with Daniel.”

“You’re not with him right now are you? It’s been a whole day and you haven’t managed to talk your way back into his pants yet.”

“You’re disgusting. What’s going on between me and Daniel is nothing to do with you. We’re going to sort it out and even if we don’t there’s no room for you in my life anymore. Get the message, Andy, just go away and leave me alone.”

“I’m never going to leave you alone, Rayn. You’re mine.”

Growling with anger I disconnect the call and thrust it into my pocket. Almost immediately it rings again. “When will you get the fucking message. Go away and leave me alone. I don’t want anything more to do with you?”

“R…Rayn?”

“Daniel?”

“No, it’s Sara. Did you think you were speaking to Daniel because if you were going to say those things—.”

“No, Sara, oh god no. I was saying them to Andy. He’s been calling and he won’t take no for an answer. Please believe me. I want nothing to do with him. I haven’t since I left. I don’t know how he found me but… last night…”

“I got your message.”

“Sara, I…. You’ve got to believe me. You’ve got to make Daniel believe me. I didn’t do anything. It was him. It was all Andy. I tried to fight him. I tried my best to fight him but he was…. If Daniel hadn’t come out he would have….” I swallow hard, the nausea rising in me again. “Daniel gave me the strength to fight harder. I got away but Andy wouldn’t let me go and I fought him like crazy, but the guys in the restaurant called the police and they wouldn’t let us go. They took my phone and threw me in the cells and I…. I….” Tears start rolling down my face and I sniff them away.

“You’re in a bit of a state, aren’t you,” she says, her voice softening considerably. That softness almost makes me fall apart completely. We’ve grown a lot closer in the time I’ve been with Daniel and she’s the closest thing to family I have now.

“Yes.”

“You’d better come round.”

“Now?”

“No, next week. Of course now.”

“I…I’ll be right there.”

“Drive carefully. I don’t want both of you laid up.”

The meaning of her words don’t sink in until I’m actually driving. I’m so excited and happy that Sara, at least is okay with me that it doesn’t hit me until I’m within shouting distance of the house. Both laid up? What does that mean?

As soon as I see Sara I start blubbing like a baby. The fear, guilt, pain and hurt comes bubbling out like pus from a lanced boil, and I sob all over her. Somehow, she manoeuvres me into the house and into the living room where she sits me in a chair.

“Stay there and don’t move.”

What can I do but obey. I put my throbbing head in my hands and try to get a grip.

“Here, drink this.”

I take the glass that’s thrust into my hands and take a long drink. Too late, I realise it’s brandy and almost choke to death.

When I’m breathing again, Sara perches on the edge of the sofa. “So tell me about it.”

“Where’s Daniel?”

“He’s not here, I am. Tell me what happened.”

I start with when Andy and I were together. I’ve told Daniel some of it but I tell Sara the whole story. How he bullied me and manipulated me. How he wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed to go out with him, then wouldn’t leave me alone period. The one thing I stood up to him for was not telling my family I’m gay. He hated the fact that I said no to him about anything and hounded me mercilessly. When I wouldn’t give in he took the choice out of my hands and told them himself.

“That was a terrible thing to do.”

“It ruined my life. It almost ended it.”

“I know. I can’t imagine what it must have been like. I admire you a lot for managing to get over something like that so well.”

“Get over it? Have I? I’ve learned to live with it.” I smile. “Actually, I’ve learned to live. I don’t think I really ever did, not until Daniel. Oh God, Sara, the look on his face last night. I’d have poked my eyes out rather than see that look on his face. It’s haunted me ever since and if you knew how hard I tried to go to him…. I just couldn’t get away.”

“What did he do to you. It must have been pretty bad to get you in this state?”

I open my mouth to tell her, but shut it again. How can I speak about something like that to her. “I…. He…. There was something he used to do to me. I never liked it but it made him feel…. He…. He liked to control me, make my body do things I didn’t want it to do. He knows exactly what to do to make me…feel out of control. He pinned me against the wall and kissed me and…. Oh God, Sara, I tried but it wasn’t just physical.”

“I understand.”

“No you don’t. He would have raped me, Sara, without getting a hair out of place, without even pulling down my trousers. He already had me hard and helpless and I had no control over it at all. I know it probably sounds extreme, and it technically isn’t rape but that’s how it feels. I feel violated.”

Sara slips off the chair and puts her arms around me. I feel sick again but I swallow it down. I’m trying to make amends and it wouldn’t help if I threw up all over her.

“Have you told the police? Are you pressing charges?”

“I…don’t know. They want me to. Someone saw what happened and reported it, which is why they let me go this morning. The guy I spoke to wants me to press sexual assault charged, but I don’t know if I could handle the investigation, the questions. They’d bring Daniel in too, if they can.”

“We’d all be behind you, darling, you know that. I’m sure Daniel would want to—.”

“No, Daniel won’t understand. He’ll want to and he’ll try to but when the investigators start looking into our relationship and asking questions. I don’t want Daniel to be asked questions like that. No, it’s enough if Andy just gets the hell out of my life and leaves me alone.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then I’ll go the police, I swear. I wouldn’t put Daniel at risk, not for anything. I couldn’t have made myself clearer to Andy. He’s got to know this time he’s not wanted.” With a guilty lurch I remember the telephone call and wonder if I’m telling the truth.

“Alright, it’s up to you. It’s your life and your body.”

“Does Daniel hate me?”

Sara gives me the strangest look, almost as if she’s weighing me up. “No. He doesn’t hate you. He blames himself.”

“Blames himself? For what?”

“For not being good enough for you. For being flawed. He’s got it into his head that he drove you away by being so childish. He tortured himself that he drove you away by the way he behaved at the table, that he’s never going to be good enough for you, never be ‘normal’. He doesn’t…doesn’t blame you for anything. It’s all or nothing with Daniel. If it isn’t your fault it has to be his. It has to be all his fault and he’s taken it all in.”

“Oh god, I have to speak to him. I have to tell him. I love him, Sara. I think he’s perfect as he is. Where is he? I have to talk to him.”

“All in good time. There are some things you need to understand. In situations like this Daniel doesn’t think like other people. He can’t handle crises. His mind won’t let him think things through and it just freezes. His initial reaction was that he’d done something really bad and driven you away, but as soon as he realised what that meant, that you’d gone and weren’t coming back—. No, Rayn,” she says forestalling my protestations. “I know that wasn’t the case and isn’t the case, but in Daniel’s head it was. As soon as he realised that, he froze. He didn’t know what to do, how to process it. He ran, just ran and we had the devil of a job to catch him.”

“But you did catch him?” Unconsciously I reach out and grab her arm. The thought of Daniel out there alone and scared was too much.

“Yes, we caught him. We caught him and tried to talk some sense into him. The problem is that Daniel isn’t rational in situations like this. He is what he is, a child. He hid in his head but…” Sara takes a breath and looks up at me. The look in her eyes makes my stomach flip over again.

“What’s wrong?” I whisper, dreading her answer. All kinds of things fly through my head and none of them good.

“I think it was just too much for him. His mind and body couldn’t cope and…backfired.”

“What do you mean?” Her words from earlier come back to haunt me. ‘both incapacitated’. “Is he alright? Where is he?”

“He’ll be fine. He…had some seizures, bad ones, in quick succession, so we took him to the hospital. They kept him in overnight but he should be home today.”

“He’s in hospital? Daniel’s in hospital? I… I have to go. I have to make this right. I have—.”

“Sit down, Rayn, you’re not going anywhere like this. I’ll drive you to the hospital but you have to get your head together first. Daniel can’t see you like this. He’s struggling enough as it is. When you see him you have to be okay. You have to be together and able to reassure him or you’ll make it worse. Even if they let Daniel out today he’s going to need to be kept calm and quiet. That’s the way it is when he’s a bad attack. You can’t have him worry about you.”

“No. I know. I don’t want him to. I don’t want him to worry about me.”

“Good. Go wash your face in the bathroom and I’ll get my coat.”