Shattering - 8. Chapter 8 - Lucky

The doorbell rang as I buttoned up my shirt. It was a casual but nice with a grey and pink madras plaid pattern. It suited me well, especially with the dark navy jeans I was wearing below. Looking in the mirror at myself, I sighed. I looked just as exhausted as I felt. I wasn’t sure if I had the energy for this party, or for much of anything today. It was my own damn fault, though.

 

I heard Mike answer the door and the familiar sound of greetings from Rain. There was a part of me that felt on edge about him being here for a short visit before everyone else arrived, and I wasn’t really sure why. Maybe it had to do with the last time Mike, Rain and I were together in the same place. Maybe it was because of the admission Vicky forced out of me yesterday before I drank myself into an emotional trainwreck waiting for Mike to get home so we could celebrate. What a fucking celebration that turned out to be.

 

Their voices came to a halt as I descended the stairs. Their eyes were on me with anticipation writ clear. That, and myriad other emotions. Happiness, contentment, goodwill, and tenderness in Rain’s eyes. In Mike’s, worry, ache, frustration, but also a deep love beneath a smile that became a touch forced when it had turned to me. Their eyes both reached out to me, called to me, and I felt consumed. For a short moment I paused on the stairs, suddenly wondering why I felt no ambivalence, no inequality in that pull. It was like falling into some strange equilibrium with those gazes. It was like…

 

“Tere hommikust, David.”1

 

I smiled softly. “Tere tulemast, Rain. Pole ammu näinud.”2

 

Rain chuckled. “Kas sa ei saanud mind juuba?”3

 

“Ma ei tea. Kas sa ei ole üks tulevad minu maja see varahommikul?”4 I sassed back, arriving to stand next to them.

 

Rain laughed. “If eleven o’clock is early in the morning for you, I’d hate to see you waking up on a work day!”

 

Mike smirked, catching on. “Oh, he’s a complete bear in the morning. Some days I’d rather just let him stay sleeping if I can help it.”

 

“Shut up, you!” I protested, giving Mike a playful shove, drawing laughter from them both.

 

“Come on inside, Rain,” Mike gestured. “Let me take your beer.”

 

Rain handed him the 6-pack of Kronenbourg 1664 Blanc. We followed Mike into the kitchen, where he loaded the 6 beer into the fridge. Mike had spent part of the morning clearing out space in the fridge for any drinks the guests decided to bring, right after we had a talk about what happened last night. Mike already had two coolers prepped with a variety of beer, ciders and sodas over ice, but people always brought more. We had a fair amount of space in the spare fridge downstairs, so it wasn’t a big deal to move a few things into it. I stayed out of the preparations at his insistence. It was a party for me, he insisted, even if it was structured to be just a quasi ‘guys hang out and watch the game’ day.

 

After my outburst and storming upstairs last night, I’d wept in the shower for half an hour before falling into a deep alcoholic slumber. I woke this morning to a headache and an empty bed, the sheets and comforter twisted up around me. I’m not sure if Mike even came to bed with me last night. I’m not sure if I could have handled him being there if I’d woken in the middle of the night. To be honest, I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to sleep together after my attempt to win the Oscar for Dramatic Performance, either. I saw that the bed in the guest room was made up when I walked by earlier. It had been left messy yesterday after Mike left in the morning and I had not bothered to make it up, so maybe he did sleep in there. By himself.. Again. But Mike also could have made it this morning and still have slept in our bed with me. He’d already done some cleaning around the house before he woke me at nine, so he could conceivably have made the bed up then. I don’t know. He didn’t say earlier and I didn’t ask. I don’t want to ask. It’s better if I don’t ask.

 

“Did you want a beer now, or would you like something else to drink? I know it’s a little early for alcohol,” Mike asked before he shut the fridge door.

 

“You wouldn’t happen to have any of your morning coffee left, would you?” Rain asked.

 

I shook my head. “No, but I definitely could use another one so I’ll make a fresh pot. What kind of a roast would you like? Something light? Dark? We’ve got a medium-light Tarrazù, a medium Yirgachefe and a Maui Mokka dark roast.”

 

“The Tarrazù sounds good.”

 

“Cool. Mike, do you want any?”

 

“Might as well,” he replied, then gestured for Rain to take a seat with him at the breakfast bar while I prepared our drinks.

 

“So how was dinner with the in-laws last night?” I asked Rain, filling the base of our Moka pot with water.

 

“In-laws?” Mike interjected before Rain could answer. “Did I miss something?”

 

“No, Laleh and I are far from ready to be engaged. Well, I’m not ready, anyway. Last night’s dinner was just an opportunity to meet Laleh’s parents for the first time. At least, that’s what it was supposed to be,” Rain replied, shaking his head.

 

“Now this sounds like a story definitely worthy of a fresh pot of coffee,” I quipped as I filled the pot’s filter with coffee grinds. After leveling off the excess, I assembled the pot and placed it on the stove over low flame.

 

Rain smiled half-heartedly, running a hand through his hair. “More like one worthy of a stiff drink. It was overwhelming. I swear to you, it was like they’d planned for this to be more like Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Along with Laleh’s parents there were his father’s sister and her husband, her mother’s two brothers and their wives, one of her grandmothers, Laleh’s sister and her brother and their spouses and a gaggle of kids whose names I will never remember.”

 

“Jeez, did you walk into that head first, or did they show up after you arrived?”

 

“Only the grandmother was there ahead of Laleh and I. After I was introduced, the front door opened behind us and more people started coming in. I looked over at Laleh and she just shrugged, smiling. For a few minutes I was okay with the change in plans, but as more and more people kept arriving at the house and I kept having to learn more and more names, I started to get frustrated. I was prepared for a bit of an inquisition, but last night it felt more like I was an animal on display. At one point I heard the word ‘Skype’ and I had momentary visions of being subjected to greetings from the whole of Iran.”

 

Mike shook his head. “Please tell me they didn’t.”

 

“No, they didn’t. I misheard. They were speaking in Farsi a lot, which did nothing to help me feel comfortable. Unless someone was directly addressing me, people that were conversing with me would often code-switch back and forth from English to Farsi amongst the others around us. They weren’t trying to be rude, I know that, but it was a difficult situation to be in when I was already overwhelmed with the change of plans. It also didn't help that I'm not a native English-speaker, so throwing another language into the mix to parse out the English from was an exercise in futility."

 

Rain took a slow breath, his tensed shoulders dropping back down. “It might not seem like it to either of you, but I’m actually rather introverted most of the time. I don’t like meeting large groups of new people all at the same time.”

 

“Really? You definitely seemed quite at home at Vicky’s party,” I pointed out.

 

“That’s because I’d already met at least a third of those people at a Globestar company event I attended with Laleh a couple months ago. That, and I had enough to drink by the time you arrived that I was quite loosened up. I become a lot more gregarious when I’ve been drinking.”

 

And a lot more flirtatious, I thought.

 

“So, did her father end up dragging you away for ‘the talk’?” I asked, remembering Laleh’s warning about what he might face.

 

Rain nodded. “Sort of. It felt a bit strange, but soon after I’d been introduced to everyone the women seemed to gravitate into the kitchen while I was shuffled off down into this den in the basement with the rest of the men. I assumed the separation was just a cultural quirk, a continuation of the Persian culture they emigrated away from. Laleh’s father has a billiards table, a small bar, and a few qalyans in that basement den.”

 

“Qalyans… those are hookahs, right?”

 

“Yes, that’s right. I couldn’t remember what you called them in English. We call them ‘Karim Khans’ in Estonia thanks to Russian cultural influence. I think it has something to do with an old ruler of Persia and his preferred style of qalyan, but don’t quote me on that.”

 

“Did you guys smoke?” Mike inquired.

 

I tried not to scrunch up my face in disgust. I hate tobacco. It’s not the act of smoking itself that bothers me - I’ve inhaled more than enough cannabis smoke over my lifetime that it would be a lie to say otherwise. Just tobacco. I dated a guy for a while back in college, Caleb. He was hot and mysterious, with his jet-black hair, piercings, leather jacket... Well, that’s what I thought at the time. But he smoked like a chimney and always smelled of it and tasted of it. I’d come away smelling like it too just from being around him. Fuck, even his cum tasted extremely bitter because of it, so I ended up always having him finish with his dick stuffed as deep down my throat as I could manage if I was sucking him off. It wasn’t the reason why I broke up with him, but I’ve never gotten into a relationship with anyone who smoked ever again. It was a definite con. A dealbreaker, really, unless the guy was extraordinary. Like Mike. If Mike had been a smoker, I still would have started dating him back then. He would have been worth it, well clearing the hurdle. Mike’s enough of a health nut that smoking’s never been something he considered trying, let alone becoming a habit.

 

“They did, but I did not. I have trouble with smoke. I had asthma as a child and I had great difficulties when we would visit many of my relatives because they would smoke indoors. I tried not to be rude about it last night, and I think they were not offended that I declined. Unfortunately it did not stop them from filling that basement room with a flavoured tobacco haze.”

 

“Were you okay? Did you tell them you have asthma? That’s pretty rude of them!”

 

Rain shook his head. “No I didn’t. If it was just Laleh’s father, or perhaps he and one other I may have but not six people. I don’t know enough about Persian culture, and I did not want to be seen as rude myself. I was in Mehdi Ghorbani’s house and I decided I would respectfully follow his lead and his rules as best as I could.”

 

“That must have been torture,” I empathized, pouring the finished coffee into three small cups and handing them out. “This stuff is prepared pretty strong, Rain. Mike and I drink it black, but I can get you a bigger mug to dilute it, or add extra milk, cream, and/or sugar if you want.”

 

“I generally drink my coffee according to my mood, but I do like strong coffee. It smells too wonderful to mar the taste with anything. Black is fine,” Rain stated. He took up the mug in his hands, inhaled and then took a sip. “Ah, yes this is wonderful. Exactly what I needed.”

 

Mike and I returned his smile as we each sipped our delights.

 

“So, were you okay with all the smoke?” I asked, bringing our conversation back on topic.

 

“I was fine, David. I coughed a few times, but I held it in well for the most part. My lungs aren’t weak now. Not like when I was a child.”

 

“Were many in that family as boisterous and larger-than-life as Laleh?” Mike asked.

 

“It seems she gets that from her mother’s side of the family. Her father has good humour, but he is much more measured. His word commands a deep respect among that family, that was clear enough. I believe he was satisfied with my responses to his questions about my background, my current life, and my aspirations. He did chide me for not having brought my business cards with me, but I did not think such a gathering was the appropriate place for those things. Not a first meeting, anyway.”

 

“So you passed the test, then?”

 

“Well, I received a big hug from Sanaz - that’s Laleh’s mother - and a pat on the cheek from her grandmother and some soft words in Persian since the woman doesn’t speak much English. Laleh seemed pleased on the way back to her apartment.”

 

“That must have been a big relief,” Mike said, shaking his head.

 

“Yes, it was. Though to be honest at the time I was more glad to be getting out of there than whether or not it had gone well. It seems that Laleh had more surprises in store for people than just your interview yesterday. When I pressed her about it, she admitted that she knew that her parents were turning the dinner into a large family event. It wasn’t supposed to be. They had only agreed to dinner at first, but earlier this week when she called her mother to confirm the details her mother had escalated the scope of everything and invited the whole family. Laleh said she couldn’t really argue with her mother about it, and it would have caused a major issue with her parents if she backed out of the dinner because of her mother’s meddling. It would have reflected poorly on me. Laleh said she was worried it would scare me off if I knew what I was up against ahead of time, but she felt trapped.

 

“That rankled me. I’m a grown man, and if that was the way her family wanted to do things then I’d have been fine with it. She didn’t need to mask it. I am not the type of man that insists on having my way all the time, on having my partners acquiesce to my desires whether they are comfortable with them or not. Laleh may have grown up amongst a culture where the man of the household has all the authority, but that is not who I am. I thought she’d have known that by now,” Rain bemoaned. Sighing, he shook his head. “Maybe I am not being completely fair to Laleh. Her feelings about how to deal with the event didn’t come out of nowhere. I am sure that in her mind she had very good reason to worry, and perhaps it wasn’t about me so much as about her parents. I can live with that. It’s just frustrating. I want her to feel like we can communicate honestly with one another and move forward in life from a place of open truth, not keep things from one another because we are worried about hurt feelings or negative reactions.”

 

I swallowed, my eyes meeting Mike’s gaze. “Yeah, I can understand that. It’s something all of us have to work for in our relationships.”

 

Mike nodded in agreement, the sad ache in his expression tugging at me.

 

“Well, I don’t know about you two, but I’d love to see this large comics collection you’ve amassed, Mike,” Rain proposed, diverting us away from a topic that was clearly bringing our moods down.

 

Mike’s eyes lit up, breaking into a bright smile. I took their empty coffee cups and told them I’d join them in a moment once I’d cleaned up. Mike practically bounded downstairs to our ‘library’ - the main room in the basement was filled with our individual shrines to nerd-dom in paper, DVD and video game format. Mike’s side being much larger, of course, given all his goddamned comics. Rain followed at a more respectable scamper, eliciting a chuckle from my lips. It was good to see Mike relaxed and happy, especially after having to deal with my insecurities and his work troubles yesterday. And then this morning...

 

As I washed out the cups I tried to keep my thoughts from straying towards the talk we had earlier. If I thought more about it now, then I wouldn’t make it through this party let alone this period with Rain here. Fuck. I stared at the kettle for a moment, considering brewing up an herbal relaxant tea like the one I used before my job interview yesterday, but decided to wait on that for now. I didn’t want to tarry up here too long. I was having the urge to fix us all some sandwiches but Mark was supposed to be picking up some pizza and wings for the party on his the way here, and Mike had some boxes of frozen potstickers, spring rolls, mini thai curry bites, filled phyllo pastry triangles, samosas, mozza sticks and God knows what else down in the basement chest freezer. I haven’t looked, and I have a feeling we are going to be eating the remainders as appetizers before dinner for a month..

 

I headed downstairs after I’d dumped the coffee grinds in the compost bin out back and cleaned the moka pot. I stopped at the bottom stair, watching the two of them seated next to one another on the floor sorting through some old stuff Mike bought with his allowance when was a kid. Over the years he’d spent a lot of time trying to track down missing issues to fill the many gaps in his favourite Batman and Justice League story arcs. Seeing the shared joy passing between the two of them… I’m not really sure what I was feeling, to be honest. It felt good, like it was right and everything fit together, somehow. At the same time, I felt this anxiousness that was hard to place. I came and sat down with them, mostly just enjoying their banter. Mike had shared all of these with me at one time or another, but it was good to see him able to do so with someone else. His eyes were shining, his smile true. Rain seemed to be just as excited. Mike had a lot of stuff that Rain had never had a chance to read when he was younger, and from the sounds of it Mike had missed out on a lot of things that were Rain’s mainstays - the Green Lantern books being the largest example. Mike has purchased collected volumes of a lot of his comics so he can still re-read them without disturbing the condition of his valued collection, and he put together a small stack of books for Rain to take home with him as a much appreciated loan.

 

Mike’s stomach growled just as I heard the doorbell chime. When I answered the door, Mark was there carrying six boxes of pizza. There were another four boxes of wings and a couple six-packs of Mill St. Organic beer still in his car, too. Holy Hannah, there was a lot of food for this party! How many people had Mike invited, anyway? Mike and Rain arrived and helped get the food into the kitchen. Hugs and handshakes were exchanged, and the first beers of the afternoon were cracked open. The smell of the food too enticing, so we ended up stealing a few slices before more of the guests arrived.

 

“So have you finished Vicky’s master plan for your garden yet?” I asked, smirking.

 

Mark groaned, eliciting laughter from the rest of us. “I have the feeling that it’s never going to end.”

 

“Not until winter sets in, and then you are going to have to deal with her ideas for outdoor Christmas decorations,” I jibed, waggling my eyebrows.

 

Mark muttered something softly under his breath, but he was smiling at the same time.

 

“Now let me guess! Right now you are removing all the bulbs you had in the garden earlier in the spring and are setting the beds up for early summer flowers now.”

 

“Yeah, that and I’m going to be taking a couple overgrown shrubs out of the backyard tomorrow, too.”

 

“I’ll try and convince Vicky to go easy on you,” I promised.

 

Mark shrugged. “I don’t mind when she’s around and helping.”

 

“Let me guess! Good company and even better benefits?” Rain ribbed.

 

Mark rolled his eyes, his face flushing the slightest bit. He was about to reply when the doorbell rang again. This time it was Bobby and Brian, bearing a 12-pack of some of Unibroue’s best offerings. I love their Blanche de Chambly, but the Ephemère series of fruit-infused beers is pretty great too and this collection had the cassis version - my favourite! Now that things were starting to get started, Mike went into the living room and got the entertainment centre fired up onto one of the sports channels while I got Bobby and Brian started with a beer and some eats.

 

The next to arrive were Cody Travers, Derek Styles and Miles Edgeworth, some classmates of Mike’s from their law school days at the University of Toronto. The three had formed their own firm together, along with another classmate Felix Beausoleil, Miles’ husband Phoenix who graduated from Osgoode, and Cody’s friend Kyle Hyde doing paralegal and some investigative work. I’ve never really understood why Mike chose not to join them, but Mike’s always been the type to want to forge ahead under his own power. His competitive side could have become a source of conflict among his friends, maybe. I guess that might be why the two big business law firms Mike has worked at have met his needs - there was that competition to move up to partner, instead of starting as one from the ground up if he went in with his friends. Mike also told me he was uncomfortable with the amount of seed money they were borrowing from Miles’ father Gregory, given how difficult it can be for new, young firms to stay in business.

 

I was glad to see that they each only brought a single large bottle of a craft brew, because if they brought much more than what we already had this party had the potential to out-do Victoria’s hot mess a few weeks ago. Uber drivers would be making a fortune. Well, maybe not a fortune, but they’d do well from us. After Mike brought them in to do some quick introductions with the others, I showed them into the kitchen so they could put their beers into the fridge and pick out some eats.

 

“You know you can come back for more any time,” I joked with Miles as he held back trying to decide between adding some of the hot wings or the dry-baked cajun wings to his already overflowing plate. It always surprised me how much food he could pack away for such a slight man - although he was 6’2”, he probably weighed in at 175 lbs on a ‘fat’ day.

 

Miles laughed. “Oh, I know, but I don’t trust there to be any left by the time I’m back in here. Oh, before I forget, Phoenix and the twins send their regards. It’s his mother June’s birthday today, so they headed up to Kingston since we haven’t had a chance to visit his parents since Christmas.”

 

“You should have gone with them, Miles! I mean, family’s more important than some silly party over me getting a job,” I admonished.

 

Miles shrugged. “David, like it or not your friends care about you and we are glad to see things getting back on track for you. I have to confess, though, that I am looking forward to having a quiet, kids-free day tomorrow. I’ve got a lot of work that needs to be done, both around the house and for one of my cases. It will be good to be able to work nice and relaxed at home without a bunch of distractions for once.”

 

“Well, I appreciate you taking the time to come, considering you probably could have used today for it as well. Do you know if Felix and Alex are coming too? Mike didn’t mention who all he’d invited, and we haven’t seen them in forever.”

 

Miles’ smile dropped and he sighed, shaking his head. “I’m not sure about Felix. Mike invited him, but… Well, David, he and Alex broke up. Things really aren’t good for him right now.”

 

“Oh my! That’s… I mean… Wow.”

 

“Yeah, sixteen years of Felix’s life, right down the drain.”

 

“Do you know what happened?”

 

Miles’ frown deepened. “Yeah, the bastard cheated on him with some kid barely out of high school. To be perfectly honest, David, I think Alex’s been cheating on Felix for a long time. And by a long time, I mean for at least the past six years of their relationship, off and on. Some of the things Felix has mentioned in passing kept setting off red flags for me, but he’s always been able to explain them away.”

 

“Jesus… Felix must be devastated.”

 

“Devastated is putting it lightly. He’s been off work for the past month or so since it happened. He just can’t do it right now. Alex filled his head with lies about how nothing in their relationship was fair and that Felix wasn’t giving him enough attention, and what else was he supposed to do? He told Felix he’s a retired sixty-six year old spending all day by his lonesome and if Felix couldn’t give him even a normal person’s after-work time and sex-drive, he felt entitled to the right to look elsewhere for some other young thing to meet his needs.

 

“Felix has been questioning everything now, and nothing we do seems to be able to convince him that none of this was his fault. Alex is a selfish prick. I know you and Mike have disliked him just as much as the rest of us, but goddamn it! I wish we could have gotten Felix away from him long ago. Fuck, I wish Cody and I had been able to convince him to not get into a relationship with that asshole when they started seeing one another back when we were in undergrad!”

 

“Hey, there’s only so much you can do. Love is a tough thing, right? Push too hard and you alienate the very person you were trying to help.”

 

“I know, David. It’s why we never did push him hard and why we’ve been supportive of him whenever Felix has admitted that the two of them were fighting over the years. Fuck, I’ve wanted him to divorce the bastard for ten years. Did I ever tell you how hard it was for me to stand up as his best man at their wedding?”

 

“I know. Mike’s told me he had a hard time of it too. Where is Felix staying? With you and Phoenix?”

 

“I wanted him too, but he thought it would be too disruptive to add another body to the house. I don’t think the twins would have minded having Uncle Felix around one bit. No, he’s been staying with Cody and Jessica, but it sounds like he’s got an apartment lined up to move into at the end of the month. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with him being alone yet, but he did agree to get counselling. I wasn’t sure if we were going to be able to get him to agree to it, but Angie came to the rescue on that one.”

 

“That woman is a force to be reckoned with, that’s for sure,” I commented. Derek might be a legal genius, but his wife Angela definitely wore the pants in that household.

 

Miles chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t know what Derek would do without her. Even full of hormones with baby number two on the way, she still manages to keep his head on straight. Anyway, I tried to convince Felix it would be good for him to come out to see everyone, but I don’t think I got through to him. I think he’s just trying to get himself ready for tomorrow. Derek and I are going to be going with Felix to their condo to pick up some of his things that he didn’t get when he left. Alex supposedly won’t be there, but I wouldn’t put it past him to show up in the middle of things, if he doesn’t just happen to be hanging around there right from the start.”

 

“I hope everything will go okay…”

 

“It will be fine. Well, as fine as it could be. Alex wouldn’t dare force a confrontation in front of the two of us, and I don’t think Alex is stupid enough to have done anything to Felix’s things. He should damn well know that if he makes any missteps at all, we will bury him in court. I want to take him to the cleaners, regardless, but I’m not sure what Felix is going to be feeling when we finally get to that stage.”

 

“Well, give him a humongous hug for me tomorrow. Mike and I are going to have to have him over or take him out for dinner sometime soon if he feels up to it.”

 

“I’m sure Felix would appreciate it.”

 

We chatted a bit more while the back of my mind whirled away with thoughts about Felix’s situation. A relationship deteriorating under tensions after so long together? One partner demanding more time from the other, and the other unwilling to compromise? Was it really that? Or was Alex really just a piece of shit and had been stringing Felix along all this time while going out behind his back and fucking the next pretty young boy in search of his perfect daddy?

 

It was hitting far too close to home. Too familiar a feeling. But I’m no Alex. I’m not a person who drew my partner in by acting as a security blanket when they were vulnerable. Mike is not willfully blind of me like we’ve seen Felix be with Alex. Fuck, Felix was always justifying things Alex did in their relationship. He seemed to think that Alex always had an acceptable explanation, and that it was Felix himself that was being selfish or foolish. Alex was convincing Felix of that, when nothing could be further from the truth most of the time. No, I’m not gaslighting Mike and taking advantage of his insecurities like Alex did to Felix. And I’m not cheating on him. Never. But why does this… why can’t I help but feel this turn of events stabbing into my heart, weighing me down like a metal jacket?

 

My chat with Miles was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell, this time heralding the arrival of Mitchell and Emily.

 

“Congratulations, David!” Mitch cheered, pulling me into a bear hug.

 

“Yes, über-congrats!” Em echoed, taking her turn and giving me a kiss on the cheek as well.

 

Hearing us, Mike emerged from the living room to similarly greet his brother and sister-in-law. Thankfully they had not brought any extra alcohol. Mike apparently had called him earlier and told him to hold back. We went into the kitchen to get them set up with some food. Mike and Mitch had barely gotten their plates filled when Bobby hollered from the living room that the game was starting. They quickly booked it in there, leaving Em and I giggling at their haste. It was rare for anything to happen in the first few minutes of a hockey game, and to be honest I wanted to chat with her for a bit before sitting down with the others.

 

“Can I get you anything to drink? I know you aren’t much of a beer drinker, but I’ve got a bottle of white wine in the fridge that we can open,” I offered.

 

Em shook her head, waving a negative. “Do you have anything non-alcoholic?”

 

“I’ve got a few cans of different sparkling waters,” I replied, walking over to the fridge. “Let’s see… blackberry, blood orange, cucumber-juniper and grapefruit. Any of those hit your fancy?”

 

Em smiled. “The cucumber-juniper one sounds interesting. I’ll try that.”

 

I took the can and poured it into a fluted glass. Handing it to her, I gave her a discerning look. “So, should we start celebrating?”

 

“Of course! I’m so glad you got the job, David. And a promotion! That must be so vindicating after all the shit you went through with your old boss.”

 

I smiled, but shook my head. “Thanks Em, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”

 

Emily chuckled, looking down as she smiled. “No, David. We’re not pregnant yet. Well, not to my knowledge.”

 

“But you two are trying, now?”

 

“Yeah. Hopefully we’ll have a little one to take care of in the next year or so. Ask me again in a few weeks.”

 

I nodded, then suddenly felt myself flushing with embarrassment. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have been asking you in the first place. I’ve been told people are usually pretty private about this stuff, especially in the first two or three months…”

 

“It’s fine, David. I know you’re a pretty perceptive guy, and we’ve talked about this before. I’m sure you noticed I only had one glass of wine the last time we were over for dinner. I decided a week or so ago that I was just going to forego drinking entirely for now, and Mitch isn’t drinking for a couple days before each time we try. I know the risk of fetal alcohol syndrome is still pretty low with only a single drink, but I don’t want to do anything that hurts our chances of having a happy, healthy baby.”

 

I hugged her. “And I know you two will. You two are going to be awesome parents!”

 

“And so will you two, when you finally get around to it,” Emily added.

 

My face fell for a moment before I caught myself, but it was too late. Em had seen it.

 

“David?”

 

“It’s nothing, Em.”

 

“Doesn’t seem like it to me.”

 

I sighed. “Look, with the way things are right now…”

 

“You guys have changed your minds?”

 

“No! That’s not-” I swallowed, sighing. “Look, with the way Mike’s working, I don’t know if we’d be able to handle having kids too. Or maybe I should rephrase that - I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.”

 

“So he’s still working those crazy hours?”

 

I nodded, sighing. “He has to, apparently, or he’s never going to move up in the firm. If anything, it will put his job in jeopardy. I had a not-so-swift moment last night and said some things I shouldn’t have because he got home so late and hadn’t called and… well, I was drunk.”

 

Em bit her lip and put her hand over mine on the counter. Her concern was palpable.

 

“I… Look, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, letting myself get drunk because I was pissed off at him. But he promised me…” I swallowed. “He wasn’t there. No texts. No phone calls. Nothing. I had no contact with him until he got home last night at around ten. I’d gone out without him. First with friends after the interview, then I had a drink here, and then I took myself out for dinner, and then when I got back here I had more to drink…”

 

Emily got up from her stool and hugged me tight. “It sounds like he really let you down.”

 

I shook my head. “I overreacted. I didn’t know he was planning this party for me. If I’d known, maybe I wouldn’t have…”

 

“Have you two talked about it?”

 

I shook my head. “Just a brief apology on both our parts this morning. And a quick explanation from him about what happened, and why he couldn’t just leave after regular work hours finished. I told him I still feel like the way he’s being treated by his boss and the way he’s working himself to the bone is bullshit, but he’s… I mean, it’s his career. I want him to be able to succeed and meet his goals, but… Am I holding him back? Am I weighing him down, being too demanding of him?”

 

Em took a deep breath, looking me in the eyes. “I don’t really have an answer for you, David. I know law is a demanding profession. My sister’s friend Sherry was an associate at a big firm in Montreal for a few years but she burnt out and doesn’t work as a lawyer anymore. She was working hours similar to what it sounds like Mike is and she was hardly ever home. She just got sick of it all because it felt to her like her career wasn’t advancing and neither was the rest of her life because she didn’t have time to date, didn’t have time for family, only rarely got vacation… It just wasn’t worth it to her anymore.”

 

“Yeah, well Mike’s not there yet, if he ever will be. I don’t think I’m asking for too much - just that he try to work from home after normal office hours as much as he can, and to give us at least a half day each weekend for ‘us’ time. And I want him to be a little more responsive if I’m calling him or texting him, or if he’s changing plans from what we’d talked about earlier in the day that he let me know so I can adjust my own schedule. Is that too much?”

 

“It shouldn’t be, David. I’m sure the two of you will get it worked out. Now that you are going to be back at work, maybe having something else to focus on will help keep you from ruminating on this stuff too much and be better able to focus on the two of you when you can both be present.”

 

“I sure hope so.”

 

Some shouts of dismay came from the other room. The Red Wings must have scored the first goal against the Leafs. I smiled wanly at Em, chuckling. She rolled her eyes.

 

“Alright, David. I’m going to head out. There’s too much testosterone in this house, so I’m going shopping for a while. I’ll be back around dinner time. I’m not sure if Mike had planned for people to be around for a meal, or if things will be winding down. Regardless, I’ll be here and ready to cart Mitch’s drunk ass home.”

 

I escorted Emily to the door, sending her off with another hug and kiss on the cheek. God I love that woman. I turned from the door and strode into the living room just as another shout went out, and then some disappointed sighs. The Leafs almost scored. I think that’s going to be a theme for the game today. I mean, it’s the Leafs. Losing is par for the course.

 

“Does anyone want a refill or something else to drink before I sit down?”

 

“Oh! Shit, sorry David. Sit down, babe. I’ll take care of this,” Mike volunteered, popping up out of his seat on the sectional couch next to Rain. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek as he walked by after getting a brief show of hands for more beers.

 

Rain patted the seat next to him, smiling warmly at me. I hesitated, caught in those sparkling eyes.

 

“Dude, just sit down. This is your party. You aren’t the host today!” Bobby lightheartedly scolded me.

 

“Yeah buddy! Let Mike play serving boy for once,” Brian agreed. “Or is it butler?”

 

“Or butt butler?” Bobby added, giggling. I rolled my eyes as a bunch of the guys laughed.

 

“I prefer whipping boy,” I corrected dryly, provoking another round of laughter.

 

Mike returned with the drinks and a tray of spring rolls to pass around to a chorus of whip-cracking noises from the peanut gallery. Once everyone had their drinks in hand and attention had returned to the hockey game, Mike sat down on the carpet in front of the couch. He stretched out and let his head rest back on the cushion space between my knee and Rain’s. I took a long swig of my beer and then relaxed back into the couch.

 

Rather, I tried to. Mike would always position himself on the floor between my legs in situations like this. Not beside me. Was he… was he just putting on some sort of act for everyone? Sitting close enough to seem okay, but not as close as usual? I know we still have things to talk about, to work out from last night but…

 

I sighed and turned my attention back to the hockey game. The Red Wings were dominating the ice. It was 1-0, but I was starting to get the feeling that the score was only going to get worse. The Leaf’s new goaltender had been a life-saver for the team during the regular season, but things were heating up now that it was playoffs season. Even his skills wouldn’t make up for the defensive line’s errors and the inability of the offensive line to capitalize on opportunities.

 

Another cry went out as one of the Leafs’ defensemen got hooked before he could break away. The refs called a penalty, though, so maybe the Leafs would be able to take advantage of the power play and get back in the game. Mike had turned and was chatting animatedly with Rain and all the other people on that side of the room. Another shout brought our attention back to the TV. A shot went wide. Way wide. Another missed opportunity, with the Wings sending the puck back into the Leafs’ end.

 

The power play ended, accompanied by a round of soft curses. I rolled my eyes. I usually care more, but I honestly couldn’t give a fuck today. Besides, I grew up with the Jets as my home team - it’s only a four hour drive to Winnipeg, unlike the twenty hour marathon to drive to Toronto. Hell, even flying to Toronto directly from Dryden ends up taking four hours, so why bother? Why bother, except to escape the hell that is being a gay man in a small town in the middle of fucking nowhere surrounded by rock and trees and bears and not much else?

 

I gently stroked my hand through Mike’s hair. He turned and gave me this weak smile and then bumped my hand away. I was about to say something when the Wings scored another goal, drawing a chorus of shouts and swearing from the peanut gallery. Mike started talking to the guys again over the blare of the TV announcers and the loud cheering of Detroit’s hometown crowd in Joe Louis Arena. I leaned back into the seat, turning my head up to the ceiling. The tightening in my chest was bothering me. Fuck, why am I feeling that, of all things, right now? I took a deep breath.

 

Bringing my gaze back down, Mike’s hand was now on Rain’s knee as he’d turned himself to tell people something. No, ask. He was asking people if they needed a refill. He started at the far end of the room, and ended with Rain. He forgot me. He pushed off of the ground, smiling and joking along with people as he headed towards the kitchen. I looked down at my hand gripping the cushion next to me, at how it was alternating between clenching and releasing weakly and shakily.

 

I jumped when a hand brushed onto my shoulder.

 

“Mis on valesti, David?”5 Rain asked, his green eyes full of concern.

 

“Kõik on korras. Ma olen lihtsalt väsinud,”6 I replied lamely. I could tell he didn’t believe me, and I looked away. I couldn’t hide anything from those eyes, could I?

 

“Oled sa kindel? Kas ma saan midagi teha, et aidata?”7 he pressed.

 

“On hea, Rain,” I insisted, shaking my head. “Leafs mängivad kohutavalt. Kui Red Wings võida oleme välja mängudega, eks?”8

 

“Jah, jälle.”9

 

“Estonian again, guys?”

 

I tore my gaze away from Rain. Mike was holding out a large goblet, filled only about a third of the way with a massive head extending up to the brim.

 

“You didn’t!” I exclaimed.

 

Mike smiled softly. “I did.”

 

“Tripel Karmeliet?!”

 

Mike chuckled. “It was supposed to be for your birthday in a couple months, but I figured this was a good enough occasion to surprise you with it now.”

 

This was, without a doubt, my favourite beer of all time. I’d never really been a huge beer drinker. I mean, I’d do it - order your standard Molson, Labatt or Coors, or branch out into the Rickard’s, Keith’s and Heineken once in awhile, but then a friend of Brady’s invited us out to this gastropub on John Street downtown. I don’t even remember this guy’s name. No, wait, it was Joe. Yeah, we used to call him Smokeless Joe because he was always bumming cigarettes off of people. Anyway, this guy described the place as beer heaven. I’d been skeptical, and even more so as we descended down some stairs into a dark basement-level hole-in-the-wall. The beer menu was humongous. I felt like I was swimming in the ocean with no shore in sight, so I asked the guy for recommendations since, according to him, I was still a ‘beer virgin’. So he had me order the Tripel Karmeliet. If I had been skeptical coming into the place, I was even more skeptical when I realized he was asking me to buy a $14 beer. One that I may or may not like. He laughed when he saw the look on my face and said he’d pay for it if I didn’t like it, but if I did then I was buying the first round.

 

So we placed our drink orders and soon the bar wench returned with them, each in their own glass appropriate for the style of beer. My eyes bugged out when I saw the goblet my beer came in. I picked up the goblet and was about to drink when Joe stopped me. He wanted me to take my time. Look at the beer. Look at the the pale orange/yellow/straw colour of the liquid, the heavy effervescence, the colour and texture of the large, silky foam head. Smell the beer, the aromas of creamy oats, wheat and grainy malts. Citrus oils, herbal orange, lemon tea, fresh lemon juice, lemongrass, and hints of apricots, honey, pepper and alcohol. Fuck, there were some subdued boozy, alcoholic notes, too - it’s 8.4% ABV. On the whole, it’s aroma was fresh, clean, refined, subtle and inviting. And then I took a sip.

 

Epiphany.

 

I set the glass down, my jaw hanging open. “This isn’t beer. This can’t possibly be beer!” I remember saying as Joe guffawed. Brady looked at me in disbelief and then took his own pull of it when I pushed the goblet towards him. He was similarly gobsmacked. I had no idea, absolutely no idea that beer could be that amazing. No, not just amazing, divine. Orgasmic. Transcendental. A decade later, Tripel Karmeliet remains my favourite brew, and rightly so. It is widely considered to be among the top five belgian tripel strong ales in the world. It is also difficult to get ahold of here in Canada.

 

“Are you going to take it?” Mike asked, smirking.

 

“Of course!” I retorted, barely holding myself back from tearing it from his hands if only because I wouldn’t dare commit the sacrilege of letting even a single drop of that heavenly brew fall to the floor. And then it was in my hands. And that beautiful aroma. And the glass touching my lips, and…

 

Mercy.

 

Just… Just kill me now, okay?

 

I could hear laughter around me. Coming back to myself, I realized that all eyes in the room were on me. I could feel the blush rising to my cheeks as the guys started joking around about whether or not Mike should be worried that I’d leave him for a beer, and that I should consider a porn career with the O-face I gave just from taking a sip of that little glass of heaven. Miles wondered loudly if the food-porn world had a niche for recordings of people having tongue orgasms, causing me to blush an even deeper scarlet. Lifting my eyes again, I got caught up in Rain’s sparkling emeralds.

 

I forced myself to look away, turning to face Mike. “Thanks so much, babe. This is wonderful.”

 

Mike smiled softly. He leaned down towards me. “I’m glad,” he whispered as his lips ghosted against mine and then pressed into a soft, lingering kiss. He pulled back, still smiling, and then walked back out to the kitchen, probably to get the rest of the guys their drinks.

 

“Te kaks olete õnnelikud, et on üksteisega.”10

 

Rain was giving me this faraway, bittersweet smile, like something he’d lost was brought forward in his mind but without jealousy.

 

“Ma tean. Ja ma püüan meeles pidada, et isegi siis, kui asjad on karmid. Eriti siis, kui asjad on karm.”11

 

Rain opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by blaring horns and shouts of incompetence as the Leafs gave up yet another goal to the Red Wings. I needed to get out of there. I needed some air. I needed to be away from Rain and his caring, drawing eyes. I needed to be away from their guys and their happy smiles and congratulations and obsession with the game. I needed to be alone. I stood, taking my beer with me and walking out of the room. I could feel Rain’s eyes on me the entire way to the entry into the hallway.

 

“What’s up, babe?” Mike asked as I passed him coming back from the fridge in the kitchen.

 

I shook my head. “Nothing. The Leafs just gave up another goal, and I am feeling a bit hot and maybe a bit jittery too. Just going to go outside for a bit, I think.”

 

“Can I get you anything?”

 

“No, I’m fine. Just need a break from the noise, okay? I’ll be back inside in a few minutes.”

 

“Okay, just let me know if you need anything.”

 

I stepped out onto the back porch. The light was that strange mixture of greys and golds that comes from small intermittent gaps between rainclouds, letting the sun beam in. It was that texture, that feeling of warmth over a cold base. That feeling that made you wonder which one was winning out. I sat down on the porch swing, staring out across our garden towards the edge of the sky. It had rained a little.

 

I brought the goblet to my mouth, inhaled the aromas deeply, and took sip of my beer.

 

I’m lucky. Even when things are tough, especially when things are tough.

 

 

I’m still lucky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

Translations:

 

1 - Good morning, David

2 - Welcome, Rain. Long time no see.

3 - Did you miss me already?

4 - I don’t know. Aren’t you the one coming to my house this early in the morning?

5 - What’s wrong, David?

6 - Everything is fine. I’m just tired.

7 - Are you sure? Is there anything I can do to help?

8 - It’s fine, Rain. The Leafs are playing terribly. If the Red Wing win, we are out of the playoffs, right?”

9 - Yes, again.

10 - You two are lucky to have one another.

11 - I know. And I try to remember that, even when things are tough. Especially when things are tough.