Unexpected - 9. Chapter 9

Callen has been home from the hospital a few weeks now. I can’t believe how quickly he recovered. He blew threw his rehab, and back on his home turf within a week of release. He goes back to work tomorrow and he is chomping at the bit to get there. Our relationship is still strained and I think it’s time for me to think about going back to Pensacola.

We are sitting down to dinner, and I mention my migration back north. Clearly this does not sit well with Callen.

“You don’t need to go back to Pensacola. Your place is here with your family,” he stated firmly.

“What family, you are my brother. Yes. But you have barely been civil to me since you got home. I think it’s time I go back to Robby and my job. I don’t know what I did to you, but I’m old enough to not have to take it. We used to be so close and I miss that, more than you know. Adapting to this new us is something I am only willing to deal with on major holidays.”

I leave the table to go to my room. My phone rings on the way, its Robby. I lay on my bed.

“Hey!”

“How are you?”

“Ok, I guess. I’ll be back soon. Callen’s recovery has gone well. I just need to organise all of my stuff for the move.”

“Listen Trace, that’s why I’m calling. I don’t think we are right for each other. I have met someone else…..”

Cutting him off I answer with an ok. Wish him well and hang up. It is one of those nights. Now what will I do. I could go back and keep on living. Maybe I should stay here and do exactly as Callen wants. Grabbing my phone I dial Alex.

“Hi Tracy.”

“Hey Chewy! Do you mind terribly if I speak to Benny?”

“No of course not, please don’t be long it’s his bed time.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

I can hear Alex handing the phone to Benny. “It’s Poppy, for you don’t be very long. It’s time for bed young one.”

“Hello Poppy, is you comin’ to play wiff me.”

“Not tonight baby boy. I just wanted to talk to you before you went to bed.”

“Really! When can we play?”

“How ‘bout we go on a date on Sunday. We can go to the arcade and get pizza.”

“Yay! I ask Daddy.”

“Ok! Goodnight my beautiful boy.”

“Night Poppy, love you lots.”

Benny then hung up the phone. It made me smile for a minute. I’m not sure I can leave that little boy. He has to be my favourite person on the planet. I thought speaking with him would help me decide what to do. I think about how my life is at the moment, my stomach sinks and a lump forms in my throat. And here come the tears. Finding it hard to breathe I sit on the side of my bed, with my head in my hands.

My sadness is overwhelming; my simple tears turn into sobbing. Ace wanders in and gets up on the bed, followed by Callen. I look at him, his eyes are red and swollen.

“I’m so sorry Trace. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you. I was angry, but not with you. I just took it out on you. When Sasha outed me and Jase, the way you looked at me. I felt my whole world crashing around me. I had never told you I was gay.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me? It’s something we have in common?”

He sat there for a few minutes, looking at his hands.

“I don’t know why I never told you. Maybe because I was so used to being the guardian, it didn’t feel like something I could share with you. My job was to protect you, take care of you. Not the other way around. I am apparently having a lot of trouble letting go of the guardian role.”

“I guess so. You are the one who moved us down here together. You are the one who wanted us to get to know each other like brothers and adults. Instead of turning to me for support, you shut me out. You took all your frustrations out on me. It felt like you blamed me for what happened.”

Both Callen and I were crying. It’s like the damn broke and there was no relief in sight. Callen hugged me so tight. He tucks my head under his chin; I put my arms around him.

“I’m so sorry Tracy. I can’t believe I have hurt you like this. I was stubborn when you went away. At first and wouldn’t ring you. Then when I finally gave in I couldn’t find you and panicked. I tried to find you but I couldn’t. You have no idea the relief I felt when Alex and Jase found you by accident. Jase kept telling me to come and get you but I wouldn’t. I was mad that you left. But really I was angry with myself. I wish I could take it all back. I love you so much.”

He kisses the top of my head and just holds me there.

“I love you too.”

“Please, please, please don’t go back to Pensacola. I need you here with me. Please promise you won’t go back. We all need you here. If you don’t want to live here with us, I understand. Jase still has his house, you can live there. And you can still use downstairs as your work space. Just please don’t leave again. I don’t think my heart can take it.”

We stay here hugging until Ace can’t take being left out. He has to be in on the action, giving us kisses with his big slobbery tongue. I think his kisses must help because we both giggle, stand up and wipe our faces. We hug, and give a kiss on the cheek. Callen holds my face in the palm of his hand. Tells me he loves me and leaves my room.

I turn back to my bed and find Ace spread right down the middle of my bed. Great! It takes me nearly fifteen minutes to get the big bugger to move over and share. He was not happy with this concept. On the bright side I have a nice big furry pillow to cuddle.

I lay in bed thinking about what Callen had said. It can’t hurt to wait and see what happens. Our little pow wow didn’t explain everything but it went a long way to fixing the hurt.

My date with Benny went famously. We had the best time. He beat me at all the games, which meant I had to pay for pizza. I wonder if I won he would have made me pay because I won. Ha! Of course I would pay, he’s little with big doe eyes that I can’t ever say no to. Hehehehe. I love that kid. He is so much fun to be around.

Weeks flew by, I moved into Jase’s old house. I didn’t move to be away from them. They are a family and shouldn’t have anyone else living with them. It also meant that I had my own privacy. Not that I really needed it. But it is nice to know you can wander around in the buff.

Benny and I continued our weekly dates. Benny also babysat me when Alex was busy. Alex was still seeing the pilot.

Callen and I had done some major work to repair our relationship. He is trying his hardest to let go of his guardian mentality. I am doing my best to forgive him and forget the hurt. I can’t say it was the same as before. I still love my brother more than ever but it’s different. I am still grateful for everything he sacrificed for me. Maybe we are moving in the direction of an adult brother relationship. A lot of the hurt has dwindled away and we are getting along like a house on fire.

<>-<>-<>

I have breakfast with them every Sunday morning, before I pick up Benny. Today is the first hockey game of the season. My date with Benny today starts when I pick him up at the locker room.

I’m eating cereal and reading the paper, minding my own business. Callen sits down across from me at the table; he thrusts a small jewellery box where I’m reading. Opening the box, I see two platinum rings. They are simple, with the exception of three diamonds embedded in each of them. Definitely suit Jase and Callen to a tee.

“I can’t marry you, you are my brother. There are laws about this type of thing. But I’m flattered, honestly.”

“Shut up, you goof! I’m going to ask Jase. What do you think?”

“I’m not sure you’re good enough for him really,” I say smirking.

“Will you be serious! Asshole!” he exclaims, smacking me on the arm.

“They’re beautiful Cal, he loves you so much. Please make sure you do it right. That man is crazy about you, your life and the family you’re building together.”

“I hope so.”

“I know so,” giving the rings back to him.

“Congrats Cal, to both of you. I couldn’t be happier for either of you.”

I stand up and hug my brother. Both of us teary eyed.

“Everything ok you two?”

We mumble ok’s as we break the hug. Cal walks over to say goodbye to Jase, we are going separately from him to the game. Thankfully, we don’t have to leave for another hour. We are going to hockey today, to watch the guys play. It’s the first game of the season today, neither Callen nor I are playing this season. Young Cory seems to be getting into it. He has been training with the JV team at school; he hopes to play this year. They have taken him in as part of the team, even though he doesn’t play. He helps them train and they build his skills. They are nice kids, which is a change for adolescent jocks.

<>-<>-<>

We enter the rink, I point to the locker room and Callen nods. He was held up by one of the Ref’s for a chat. Entering the locker room I call out a hello to all.

“Hey, Trace!”

It was deafening, the entire team had shout out the greeting at the same time. I laugh.

“You planned that, Mongrels!” The team laugh nodding in unison.

“Alrighty, where is my munchkin?”

Benny runs to me, I pick him up, kiss him on the cheek and cuddle him.

“I’s here Poppy, I not chikin.”

“No I suppose you’re not, you’re a big boy now.”

Benny is nodding at me all serious. I laugh and rub the back of his head. God knew what he was doing when he made this boy.

“Have a good game guys. Kick their as…um butts!”

Leaving the locker room, Benny looks at me waving his pointy finger.

“You were gonna say a bad word Poppy.”

“Nuh! Ah! I never say bad words.”

Cal and Cory were watching the Zamboni. It looks like he is trying to explain how it all worked to him. As I approach them, they swagger off in front and move toward the visitors stand. We manage to find a space big enough for the four of us to sit together. I could see a boy trying to get Cory’s attention and point him out.

“Daddy, would you mind if I sit with the team and meet you back here after.”

Callen turn to see where the boys are sitting and nods.

“That’s fine; don’t go running off anywhere else. If they leave; come straight back here ok?”

“I will. Thanks.”

He took off like a teenager should, to be with his friends.

“Cory is such a nice kid. So different; well no, happier is a better word, from when I first got here.”

“Greatest kid ever, couldn’t love him more if he were my own. He is my own. You know what I mean.”

I hugged Benny round the shoulder.

“Sure do.”

We turn back to the game, I pull out the sign Benny has made. Every time Alex comes onto the ice he would wave it around. Because Benny is only little I have convinced him ‘Go Chewy’ was ‘Go Daddy’. This way I got to have some fun too. When Alex saw it he bangs on the Perspex with his stick. Points a finger at me and made the cut throat sign. I just laugh, and then help Benny wave it higher. I am so gonna pay for this but Ah! Who cares.

Alex and I were in a better place. We’ve managed to put some things behind us. Mostly for Benny’s sake I reckon. He has managed to get me to call him Alex again. It’s been so hard to put away the feelings I felt before. The man still gives me the butterflies. When I make him laugh or smile, my belly does flip flops. Sometimes I wish it would all go away. Unfortunately you don’t really choose those feelings, you can suppress them. Maybe sometimes maintain them. But never do you get to pick what you want to feel for someone.

<>-<>-<>

The team and families are at Alex’s after the game. The place is a little sombre from their loss. As I’m grabbing a drink from the cooler, I see Alex come from the hallway. Our eyes meet and I grin at him. He lunges in my direction so I take off out back, around the pool. He caught my arm and spun me into the cool water. I manage to latch onto his arm and bring him with me. We tussle in the pool, chasing each other around, bobbing and weaving. Finally, I was able to dunk him.

We both surface laughing. At the edge of the pool is Alex’s pilot boyfriend. Ugh! I forgot about him. His arms are crossed over his chest and shaking his head. I exit the pool, grab a towel and make my way to the spare room to change. Callen brought me in some spare clothes. I’ve only met the pilot a couple of times. I definitely do not like him. Stuck up, ass hat. I picked Benny up to hang out while they went on a date once. Long story short; he threw babysitting money at me, called me a Manny and completely ignored Benny.

I sit down at the Euchre table, Jason to my right, Dom across from me and Joe to my left. Looking around the table; I get that eerie feeling, from the last time we played together. Huh! It’s like time stood still. I wonder what evil will happen tonight.

“Ugh! This feels horribly familiar.”

Joe chuckles, “I have no idea what you mean.”

“All we need now is Sasha to come and completely end me”

“Well that’s not likely.”

“Yeah?..... Why?..... Did someone drop a house on her?”

“Fuck you crack me up. It’s a shame you were gone so long. You were definitely missed around here. Glad your back,” Joe chuckles. Dom is sitting with a smile on his face.

Joe daps me on the shoulder. I give him a smile of thanks. They all talk about my leaving as if I did something wrong. It’s easy to forget, they all distanced themselves from me, made me feel alone and invisible.

Being back in his house with the hockey team stirs old feelings I have for Alex. I’m pretty sure I’m still in love with him. Nothing I can do about it though.

“So what happened to her?”

Dom, Joe, and Jase all look at each other, then chuckle.

“Well, it seems when she left here. Sasha went to a bar, got loaded and drove home. She lost control and hit a parked car. Thankfully no one got hurt. Anyway; she ended up unconscious, so the cops managed to arrest her. Her Daddy tried everything in his power to bail her out. The Judge must have been on our side though. He sentenced her to 8 months house arrest & 400 hrs community service to fulfil in 6 months consecutively. If she fails any of these, she faces doing her full sentence of 5 years in prison. Apparently it was not her first offense. ”

While Dom is explaining, I watch as the pilot leaves quietly. No-one took one bit of notice.

“Yeah! Well it couldn’t have happened to a nicer chick,” I reply.

Alex re-appeared in the room, he had a smile on his face. I guess their talk went ok then. He grabs the meat and heads down to the grill.

“Excuse me guys, back in a sec.”

I walk down to the grill, where Alex is now cooking the late lunch.

“Is everything ok, with the pilot?”

He shrugs his shoulders and keeps cooking.

As I’m walking off I mumble, “Sorry, just checking on ya.”

I can hear Alex call after me, but I keep walking. I’m a bit fed up with all the back and forth. They all seem to be back on track and I’m swinging in the wind. It kind of burns a little. Jeez, I’m such a fucking whiner. I find Benny in his room playing lego, with Dom’s youngest Hayley. After I give them a hug each and Benny a kiss goodnight, I leave to go home.

<>-<>-<>

I haven’t really seen any of the guys for a while. I’ve been withdrawing more and more. Even though my relationships with Callen, Jase and Alex are doing better; I just can’t seem to let go of my anger. I fill my days at the workshop creating artwork and fulfilling commissioned pieces. Being alone a lot is great, no drama, no-one to answer to. Well, except Ace. The big ol’ brut. It’s about four in the afternoon when my phone rings and the caller ID announces; Ugh! It’s Alex.

“Hello.”

“Poppy?”

“Benny! My man. What are you up to?”

“Are you mad at me?” He’s crying through the phone.

I’m an asshole. In my bid to crawl inside myself, I’ve been neglecting my only friend. I love this little boy and there is no excuse for my behaviour toward him. I complain about the others and I go and do this.

“Oh! My Benny, no; I’m not mad at you I love you.”

I can feel tears burning my eyes. Crap! Crap! Crap! How could I do this to him?

“Will you play with me? Go to the park?”

“Sure kiddo, let me clean up and I’ll be right there.”

“I love you, Poppy.”

“Oh! I love you more than anything else in the world my Benny. See you soon.”

I pull myself together, clean and close the workshop. I fix myself up, put Ace in the back and drive as quickly as I can over to my friend.

I knock on the door, with butterflies going crazy in my belly. With my trusty Mutt, sitting on my feet. Alex answers, tilts his head to the side. My stomach switches from butterflies to doing flip flops, damn trader.

“Come in,” he says. “Is everything ok Trace?”

“Huh! Oh! Yeah! Everything is fine. Benny rang and wants me to take him to the park. Is he ready?”

“Probably not, since I didn’t know he was going.”

“Sorry, I didn’t even think to check he asked you. We haven’t played in a while and I kind of got excited to see him.”

“He’s in his room. I’ll have a talk with him tomorrow about his phone usage,” He chuckles. “Actually if you’re not busy I will cancel the babysitter for tonight. I have to go to the city hall meeting at eight. You three can spend time together.”

“That would be great, thanks.”

<>-<>-<>

I wake on the couch, the next morning. There is two big beautiful eyes staring at me a couple of inches from my face.

A voice whispers, “Poppy, get up! We is going out?”

I roll on my back. I hear myself complaining about coffee. Ooh! I can smell coffee. Sitting up I peer over into the kitchen, Alex shows me a cup. That’s how every morning should start; Alex naked, handing me a cup of coffee. Aaah! Stop with the thinking. I hop up and wander over and grab the cup from him, pity he is fully dressed. I fill a bowl with water and put in on the floor for Ace.

“Arghhhh! Dear God, that’s the sh…errr…Shtuff!”

Alex is watching me over his cup grinning.

“Come on Poppy! Daddy is a hooker and we is going out.” I nearly spit my coffee all over the kitchen. Alex hands me a cloth to clean up while near wetting himself.

“What?”

“We are playing hooky, from school and work together. Go home get changed, shorts and a t-shirt. Benny and I will pick you up in thirty mins,” Alex says clearing up the misunderstanding.

I give him a funny look; he just mouths ‘GO’ to me. Who am I to argue, they’re going to spend time with me. Makes a change, I guess.

As we hop out of the car at the mall, both our phones ping with a text.

From: Callen

Message: Tonight is the night. El Salvador’s at 7pm. Where your suit.

Looking over at Alex, he also has a big smile on his face.

“Hey it’s Friday, why don’t we break Cory out of school, I can pack him a bag. He and I will stay at a motel tonight so they can have the place to themselves. We can all get changed at your place for dinner,” I excitedly voice my idea.

“Great, I’ll ring Callen and have him release Cory from school and grab him. I’ll drop you off and you can grab your suits. Pack an overnight bag for you both until Sunday. You’ll both be staying at my place. No arguments.”

“What do you think my Benny?”

Benny sees the excitement in me and his dad so he jumps up and down, squealing. I don’t think he really knows what’s going on but joins in anyway. My god this boy is gorgeous. We all jump back into the truck. Alex drops me at Callen’s to pack Cory’s bag and suit. He took off to pick up Cory then back to get me, so I could get my clothes for the weekend.

My brother is getting engaged TONIGHT!! YAY!!

<>-<>-<>

It’s late in the afternoon; we return to Alex’s from our day of hooky. I let Ace in the house; he can’t get enough attention running from person-to-person to get his fill of love. He’s not used to being left behind. Alex is trying to calm him down. Cory and Benny are trying to agree on a video game. We had a ball today. First we went to see a movie, pizza for lunch and finished with bowling then the arcade. I’m not sure who had more fun the boys or us adults. We were all on a high from the day, but we still have to get through tonight.

I’m standing here taking it all in. Man I wish this was my life, my family. I can feel the unshed tears appear. It was wonderful spending the day next to Alex. Our hands touched, while we shared popcorn. His knee rested against mine for nearly the entire movie. Lunch and bowling, it felt like we were a family. At the arcade the boys split from us promising to stay together. We kept an eye on them – of course. Alex and I were like giant children playing video games together, smack talking when we were in competition and corroborating when we had played against others. It was a perfect day.

I could feel Ace lean against my leg; I reach down and pat him. Alex appears behind me to my right, I could feel his warmth.

“What is your head overthinking?”

“Huh! Oh! Um! Nothing,” I wipe my eyes quickly.

I keep watching the boys. Alex puts his arm round my shoulder and pulls me in for a sideways hug. I can’t help but lean into him. God he smells good. Now the tears are coming down my face. I can’t help the tears, this is what I want. I feel like I’m never going to have it. Excusing myself to the bathroom, I leave the room. After washing my face I stare at myself in the mirror, willing me to keep it together.

Walking back to Cory and Benny, he has this cute little look on his face as he concentrates.

“Ok boys, you have half an hour. This gets shut off, Cory you have homework and school work to do, as does Uncle Alex. Benny and I need a story and a nap before we go out tonight. Agreed, yes?”

The both nod their heads mumbling ‘yes’.

Cory is such a good kid. I didn’t even ask, he pause the game after the half hour. He also explains to Benny their time was up and they could pick it up later where it was paused. They toddle off to their rooms. I follow Benny to his, as promised I read him a story. He picks the big caterpillar book. Sleep took over him about half way through. I lay cuddling with him, just thinking back over the day. The dread in the pit of my stomach returns when my memories end.

I untangle from Benny, without waking him. I make coffees for me and Alex, taking his coffee to him in the office. He grumbles thanks when I slide it next to him. As I leave, he grabs my hand and I turn to face him. He has a look in his eyes I can’t decipher; it looks like hurt or anger. I’m not sure what to say. Doesn’t matter, he beats me to it, breaking the silence.

“What’s wrong Tracy? It’s killing me watching you withdraw into yourself?”

I look at our hands together; the damn tears are coming – again. I shrug my shoulders and try to let go, but he won’t let me.

“Tell me, please?” Now he’s holding my hand in both of his, like he’s pleading with me.

My shoulders slump and I tell him everything I’ve been feeling, since I got back. I left nothing out, even that I still love him and how angry I am someone else ruined my happiness and I can’t fix it.

Alex pulls me into his lap, taking my face in his hands and kisses me. An honest to God, kiss full of warmth, love and passion. I follow suit, kissing back trying to show him how much love I have for him. I can feel the electricity between us, from my toes through my heart to my head. I ache for him. Now on sensory overload I push back, breaking the kiss and struggling to get up. He is holding me so tight I can barely breathe.

“What are you doing Alex?”

“Fixing something, that should never have been broken. We should never have been separated. I love you Tracy. More than you know. As much as I love Benny and I’m glad I have him. But this has been the most miserable year of my life. I only felt like I was starting to live, when you came back into it. You belong with me and Benny. I love you, that boy worships you. We, us, together; we are a family.

“I should never have shut you out. You deserved the choice to say whether you wanted to raise a child with me. It was stupid. I actually thought it would make a difference. Every time I watch you two together, my heart swells and sinks. We could have been a family from the start. I have no idea how to fix this. I’m so sorry I robbed you of the opportunity. Please forgive me, I love you so much.”

I start sobbing into his chest. Alex envelopes me in his big strong arms, whispering how much he loves me in my ear. He rubs my back as I calm down in his lap. I can’t believe this is happening, it has to be a dream.

“What about your pilot?”

“I broke up with him that night after hockey. He told me he didn’t have time for someone who acted like a child and didn’t take things seriously. So I told him, life is too short to take seriously and for the jackass to leave. To tell the truth, I have no idea why I was with him.

“Tracy, we are a forever love. There is no denying it. Nothing comes close to what we have, or what we can and will have. Callen and Jase are about as close to it as I have ever seen. But you and me, there will never be another human being or situation that will separate us again. We don’t have a choice because it would break me permanently if we didn’t make it.”

I cry into his chest harder, telling him how much I love him. I’m fisting his shirt and hanging on for dear life. I cannot lose this man again. I reach up with my lips and kiss his jaw. Alex moves his lips to mine and our mouths meet for the most sensual kiss I have ever felt. God, I really do love this man. Please don’t take him away from me, ever. We sit there cuddling for what felt like forever. I see Benny peering around the door.

“Poppy?” I look at him holding my arms open.

“What’s the matter munchkin?” I pick him up and sit him across my lap and his head on the other side of his Daddy’s chest. Alex put an arm around both of us and kisses the top of our heads.

“I not a chikin, Poppy!”

Alex has his cheek rested on the top of my head while he watches me and Benny. He hugs us tight.

“Ok, gentlemen. I would like to debate the chikin issue further, but…. We have a very special night to get ready for.” He lifts us from his lap.

“Benny and I will shower and dress, while you have your shower.”

“Ok, I tell Cory to get ready.” Benny runs off.

“Can we not say anything yet; this is Callen and Jases night?”

“Damn straight it is! I’m so excited for them and jealous all that the time. I love you Trace, please don’t ever doubt that. We are going to have to do better communicating this time. I can’t lose you again because we are too afraid of a conversation.”

“Mmm..hmm, I love you too. I promise to always talk to you first.”

“No more running away from me”

“Not unless you both come with me.”

We have a panty dropping kiss, then move off to get ready.