Tales of the Underground: Crestfallen - 22. Survivor's Guilt

I looked back at Eli and nodded, he returned the nod signaling that we were still cool. It’s funny, if that was anyone else I would feel like I would need to apologize over and over and over again, but Eli, he’s not like that. Maybe he just wants to be left alone, maybe he’s just used to people treating him like an animal, or maybe, just maybe the old forgiving Eli was in there still calling the shots for at least a few minutes.

I quickly made my way down the hall and into the lunchroom, I knew I didn’t have enough time to eat, but I just needed to spend a few minutes with my friends…with Jayden. Out of breathe I fell into my chair, and instantly all eyes were one me.

“Where the hell were you?” Henry spit, with food in his mouth. I waved my hand, to try and get him to drop it. “Does this have to do with that fight with Eli this morning? Oh my god, did you actually fight him?”

“What fight?” Jayden asked, glancing from Henry to me. I felt his eyes burning a hole into the side of my face, desperately trying to piece things together. “Are you in trouble? Are you going to get detention or suspended?” His words raced on, as his mind went through a million of possibilities.

I let out a frustrated groan and turned towards Henry “There was no fight! He and I are cool again, and no J I’m not in any trouble.”

Ivy laughed as everything unfolded in front of her “You boys are so stupid. What did you get into another pissing contest with him?”

“oh I get it now!” Henry shouted “You and him were fighting over who gets to be top or bottom.”

“Henry!” I yelled, kicking him from under the table. I felt my face turning red, and glanced over to see how Jayden was reacting. At first he didn’t quite get the joke, but when he finally figured out what it meant he looked over at me with concerned eyes.

“Oh come on” Henry continued “It’s going to happen eventually! You’re the only person anyone ever actually sees him talking to, and you’re gay? That’s not just a coincidence my friend, that’s fate…or just Eli seeking out…” This time I actually gave Henry a decent shot to the leg “Son of a bitch!” he yelped in pain “Calm the hell down, it was just a joke!” he cried out, rubbing the afflicted leg “You over react to everything Taylor, you’re going to have to get comfortable talking about hooking up sooner or later.”

I sighed and shook my head; I noticed Jayden trying to hide growing concern, but heard Ivy let out a similar sigh, as she noticed what was happening. “You talk way too much Henry.” She spit elbowing him.

“You’re seriously taking his side! He really kicked me this time! I think I have a bruise.” He yelped. Ivy discreetly looked at me then Jayden.

“Oh please” I sighed, trying to defuse the situation before Jayden noticed “That was halfhearted, if I really wanted to kick you…trust me you would know.”

Jayden peeked up from his food, and my heart froze “What was that?” he exhaled, looking at Ivy.

“What was what?” She let out with an innocent smile.

“You just looked at Aidan then me…why?” He forced out. I could feel the nerves coming off of him, and his voice started to grow a bit shaky.

“That was nothing.” She shrugged “I just didn’t want their gross conversation to make you uncomfortable is all.”

He shot her a skeptical look then looked at me. “That’s really it?”

I shrugged just as clueless as him. “Yes” Ivy interjected “Someone’s on edge. You got a secret to share?” she devilishly spit.

“No” he returned a little to quick.

“You do!” She said, jumping onto his case “Please Jayden share!”

He looked at them then me trying to find some sort of support. “Ughh…ughh…” he began “Ughh…”

“Ughh is the sound in dumb!” Henry spit with a laugh shaking Jayden even more.

“Leave him be” I defended “I’m trying to teach him how to fight thank you very much. It was to try and help him build confidence, but obviously you two crappy friends can’t see that.”

Jayden shot me a confused look, but I nudged his foot with mine trying to signal for him to go with it “Yeah…we’re…ugh…working together.”

“Woh!” Henry excitedly let out “That’s so cool! How do you like it so far Jayden?”

“It’s alright” he shrugged

“Just alright?” I spit defensively “Well sorry for trying to help you!” I laughed

He giggled along, but tried to regain composure “We’ll see, spending time with Aidan can be a bit…”

“Difficult!” Henry finished

“You said it not me!” Jayden joked finally finding comfort again.

“Oh okay” I teased “I see how it is Sanders. Maybe we’ll stop “training”.”

He let out a small laugh “yeah right! You can’t accept the word no, I’m supposed to think you would ever just quit something?”

I started to beam with pride, as Jayden acknowledged my persistence. “Way to feed his ego” Ivy sighed.

“God damn it Jayden, you may still be getting comfortable with us, but remember we all have to deal with Aidan equally, you pumping up his ego only hurts the group!” Henry spit, staring me down.

“Well I think he’s great.” Jayden teased “He’s friendly, and nice, and a good fighter.” Jayden spit laughing, in an attempt to push Henry’s buttons.

“I liked it better when you were the shy kid!” Henry joked, he looked over at Jayden and nodded his head “It’s good to see you actually cool with us.”

“I’m glad to be” Jayden shrugged, finally feeling the love in the group. I scooted back in my chair and watched as they all interacted with one another. It was good to see them all getting along. My best friends and my new…well…we don’t have a label yet, but you get the point! It felt like magic to see them all joking around. The bell rang, and the rest of the day took its course. The word tough doesn’t even begin to describe what having class with Jayden was like. He was such a perfect student, organized notes, asking questions through a shuddery voice, and doing his best to answer whatever got thrown our way. Whenever he saw me struggling, he would whisper an explanation or flash me his notes. Some moments were louder than other, but Mr. Jones never seemed to mind, deep down I think he understood we weren’t trying to disrupt class. As we left class, I walked him to his locker, a habit I was slowly forming since he gave me my week.

He turned towards me and I saw the same concerned look from before, I saw him think for a few seconds before taking a breath. “That joke Henry made before…”

“It was just a joke” I said with a shrug of my shoulders, don’t read into it.

“But It’s kinda true…I mean you’re gay…he’s gay, and you both spend a lot of time together.” He sighed

I shot him a peculiar look “No we don’t.”

“More than you do with me.” He nervously shrugged, blush starting to grow.

“Jayden Sanders! Are you jealous?” I teased in shock.

“NO..no, it’s just, I’m just making a point is all.” He exhaled, hiding his face in his now open locker.

“You are! Oh my god, that’s so cute!” I said, heart beginning to beat faster.

“I’m not jealous!” he insisted “I just like you a bit and all.”

I gave him a light shove “If you’re worried about losing me than you’re crazy. I mean Eli’s my mentor, and sure he’s becoming important to me, but only as a friend, I promise.” Jayden peeked out of his locker and nodded. “So about spending more time with you” I playfully began.

“Forget it!” he joked “I see you enough as it is!”

“Really because I don’t” I flirtingly teased.

“Ughhh” Jayden groaned “Are you always going to be this annoying about this stuff.”

“Yup” I laughed, as he closed his locker.

“I gotta go catch my bus. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said beginning to walk away.

“Ohhh speaking of things I like to see!” I teased, I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell that made him blush and maybe even smile a bit.

I shook my head, and began the short walk to my locker. As I approached it I saw Eli leaning up against it, with head phones in.

He pulled them out as I walked up to it and made an odd face. I could tell something had him a bit nervous “Hey rook” he began “Do you think.” he stopped himself and rephrased his words “Can I meet your sister? I just need to actually see her. I need to meet her for real.”

I exhaled a deep breath, pulled out my phone and texted Brooke. “She’s on her way” I spit

“Really?” he let out, kind shocked “Just like that?”

“Just like that” I confirmed “I trust you Eli, I didn’t do a great job of showing that today, but I do. If this can help you to keep the past in the past…then it’s the least I can do.”

Before I knew it I saw Brooke walking down the hallway. She stopped dead a few steps away as she saw who was standing outside it. She regained her composure and walked up. “This is why you texted me?” she sighed.

I nodded my head and looked over at Eli. He nervously looked her up and down “It’s good to see you again.” He half smiled as though he was seeing an old friend.

“You too…Velocity.” She spit, returning the smile.

He let out another sigh as that name hit the air “So you remember that night then.”

“Every second of it” she confirmed “I even recognized you that night, I just wasn’t sure where from.”

“I…” he stopped himself to think “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Same here” she said, starting to grow comfortable “I’m about everything that’s happened, Jamie…he was a nice guy.” She nodded “A little crude, and hot tempered, but kind, and welcoming. Racing him was an honor, even if it ended poorly.”

“He never got over that accident” Eli confessed “He was…we were all worried about you, the whole team.”

“We all knew what we were getting into when we started racing…it was an unspoken creed. I tried to pull ahead of him and paid for it. Do yourself a favor, and forget everything that happened down there, no matter how tragic. It brought out the worst in people.” I tried to hide a gasp as I saw a side of my sister I didn’t know existed.

Eli’s eyes drifted away, and he sighed “Easier said than done” he let out “It was good getting to see you.”

“You too Eli” she returned “Can I just say one last honest thing?” He nodded to her request, and I held my breath, knowing that Brooke can be a little…forward. “You’ve probably heard this a million times before, but you can’t let what happened define you. When I saw that picture of you on the news, my heart broke for you. I immediately remembered who you were…all those times seeing you laugh and smile in the hallways. All the great rumors about you and how kind hearted you are. Hell people used to tell me to seek you out when I was struggling in math…that you tutored kids for free, just because you could.” I could tell she was doing her best to break through to him “Deep down that kids still there, don’t lose him.”

He took a breath, and nodded his head “You really are Aidan’s sister.” He spit “That kid’s already long gone. I’m what’s left.” He looked over to me “and I guess I’ll just have to make do with what I’ve got.”

Brooke let out a deep breathe “You be careful around my brother Eli, he’s not like us.” Eli laughed, and I did my best to let that comment slide off “Goodbye Eli, I’ll see you at home Aidan.”

I made a face, and raised my eyebrows as she walked away “Bring any closure?”

“A little” he nodded

“It’s funny; you almost seemed human there for a few minutes.” I teased.

He looked up at me with an angry scowl “If you tell anyone about this…”

“I won’t” I laughed “Chill out, you do realize you are actually human right?”

“I prefer to forget” he snidely answered “Seeing her did bring up an old memory though.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” I asked, genuinely curious

“Matty had a crush on her.” He laughed

“I guess Sanders and Taylors were meant for each other.” I joked

Eli nodded his head, but caught himself “Maybe in a different life kid, maybe in a different life.” I felt him leave behind an overwhelming sorrow as he walked away. The regret in him was overwhelming, and I noticed that even though he’s called Matty a rat, that he still misses him. I guess they were friends after all. I turned down the stairs to head towards the gym, but noticed a scrawny small figure sitting on a bench near the door.

“Hey you” I said pouncing onto the bench next to him “I thought you had a bus to catch.”

“I missed it” he sighed “My mom’s on her way.”

“Oh yeah?” I laughed “You left so early, how did you miss it?”

“Stuff happens I guess.” He exhaled, looking away.

“Something made you miss it.” I let out with a determined look “Who did it?”

“No one” he muttered in a low voice

“Who did this?” I insisted “Was it that jerk from last week? I swear I’ll…”

“You’ll just make it worse.” He pouted “Bigger kids will find me alone at some point of the school week. You can’t always be there to protect me.”

“Like hell I can’t.” I spit, starting to grow angry “I’ll make an example out of a few of them. The rest will follow.”

Jayden shook his head “Just go to practice already, you’re gonna be late.”

I stood up thinking he was right. “Look at me J” I insisted getting low to the floor “Not matter what happens…no matter what anyone tells you…you matter okay?” I did my best to fight back any emotions “You have a family and friends who love you. I guess you’re right, I can’t always be there to protect you, but I can always be there to put you back together.”

He looked over at me and I offered him a warm smile. “You’re so weird.” He joked, starting to lighten up

“I’m here for you now and always.” I reached out and gently rubbed his arm. Suddenly Jayden seemed to crash down lower than before. I looked up at the clock, and realized I still had another 15 minutes before I had to be in the gym. I quickly jumped up and sat back onto the bench. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong” he interrupted.

“Then what’s up?” I sighed.

“Just go already, you’re going to get in trouble.” He mumbled, keeping his head down.

“Nah, I got another 15 minutes to try and crack this.” I warmly reached out “Talk to me, it’s okay.”

He pouted his lip, and began to radiate sorrow just like Eli does “I…it’s just…I…you know everything that happened with the racing at this school last year right?”

“A little too well.” I sighed, recalling the conversation I had just witnessed.

“Well I watched that all go down almost first hand…my brother…he would come home, and he would tell me stories, it was like I was in on the secret, and sometimes when he would have his friends over, they would include me, and Jamie, would tell me all about racing, and all about his boyfriend. I’ve heard it all from the best to the worst…I just…I know how bad someone can weigh you down. I know that trying to put someone back together…if you can’t figure it out…it can leave you wishing you were dead.” His voice began to crack with emotions as he confessed what was deep within his heart “The only time I ever meet Eli was at Jamie’s funeral…he was so distraught…so disturbed. I don’t want to be the reason that happens to you. I’m broken glass Aidan, if you try and piece me together I’m only going to cut you.”

I reached over and wrapped my arms around him, not caring who was watching “Is that what you think? You think you’re unfixable?” I shook my head in disbelief “You’re not even broken! I mean look at you today…the way you were talking at lunch. You were one of the group! You ARE one of the group!. We’re nothing like they were; we’re not in danger, or risking our lives. We’ll all figure it out okay?” he pushed off of me, and nodded his head. I fought back emotions so strong they almost broke through, and felt my own voice begin to shake “Do you think about hurting yourself Jayden? Why do you think you’re going to leave me broken?”

“I don’t…I mean…not like often…and I see a therapist and all. It’s just…what if something real bad happens? What if I wind up alone again?” I saw a few stray tears fall from his eyes “My brother…” he let out in a heavy breathe “he did it, and he was stronger than me. What if I get put in that position?”

I lifted his chin, and wiped his tears away “You’re not your brother, and you can’t live your life wondering what if. Look I didn’t know him, but I know you. I know you’re resilient, I know you’ve made it this far…and you didn’t come this far to fall.” I sighed “You’ll get better…it may not be today or tomorrow…hell it might not be for a few months or a year, but you’ll get better. Hang on tightly, keep going to therapy, and fight with me J. I’ll be right here walking with you the whole way, and if there are days you can’t walk… I’ll carry you! You understand me?” I said starting to get more frustrated than sad “I don’t give up, and I’ll be damned before I let you.”

Jayden shrugged not knowing what to say, but immediately returned the hug from before “Thank you Aidan.” He held on for another minute before letting go “Now go, I’ll be okay, you have practice.”

I nodded, and entered into the gym doors that laid a few steps away from us. That day I worked my ass off for my coaches and my teammates. I made it a point to show why they allowed me to walk onto varsity. I won’t let Jayden down, and I won’t let them down.