Paper Walls - 18. Chapter 18

“You sure you don’t want to go with the rest of the team and celebrate?” my Dad asks, as he locks the field house.

“No,” I say, moving the strap of my bag to my other shoulder. I don’t really want to have a heart to heart with him. It’s not that I dislike him I love him, I just don’t know if I will get my dad or the coach.

He looks at me with a concerned look on his face, “Son, it’s going to be ok.”

“Dad, it’s just been a long week,” I tell him shoving my hands in my pockets so he won’t notice how anxious I am getting

His eyes go straight to my pockets. “I agree, but you seem upset, so I want to talk about it.”

“I completely messed up on four plays!” I yell.

“Yes, I saw, but we also shut the other team out tonight,” he counters.

“I could have been better!” I say.

He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Want to tell me why you are really upset?”

“Because I lost focus,” I tell him, putting my head down looking up at him to see if he is going to say something about how I did lose focus

“Care to elaborate?” he asks repositioning his hat on his head

“Ryder?” a voice asks, as someone steps around the corner.

“Tyler? What are you doing here?” I ask.

He puts his hands in his pockets. I take his skinny frame in. He is wearing a long sleeve shirt and khaki pants that fit really good on him. I can smell his cologne from where I am standing. “I came to your game.”

“You did?”

He shrugs his shoulders, “Yeah, thought maybe we could hang out after, if you wanted. So I was waiting, and I didn’t see you come out, and I thought maybe I missed you, so I came over here to see if you were gone.

“Mr. Ryder’s dad, hey, I am Tyler,” he says to my dad, putting out his hand.

“Coach Kessler. I don’t know you, do I?” my dad asks, grasping Tyler’s hand

“No sir, I don’t go to this school. I know Ryder from the hangout,” he says.

“The hangout?” my dad asks.

“The thing I went to that Dr. Decker mentioned,” I cut in.

“Ah, I see. Were you the one who caused him to have an anxiety attack?”

“No sir, I was there to help him through it,” he says.

“You play football, Son?” My dad asks, and I just roll my eyes.

Tyler lets out his goofy laugh. “Not a day in my life.”

“Hmphh,” my dad says.

“But I play a real mean game of chess if you ever feel like testing your wits,” he says.

My dad actually cracks a smile. “So you’re smart?”

“Most days. I can’t be smart all the time - then people would feel inferior, and treat me different. Then there are days that I act extremely blonde, unless it’s for school, then I am smart, because I want to get into UT. I hear they have an insane Frisbee club, and that’s fantastic!” he says.

My dad is laughing at this point. “Boy the world needs to watch out for you. You can charm a snake, can’t you?”

“I wouldn’t want to be in contact with one. They kind of really freak me out. It’s terrible, when I do see one, it gets embarrassing.”

“So, Ryder, do you want to hang out with this guy here?” my dad asks.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess I could,” I say, looking at the ground.

“Well, give me your bag, then, boy,” my dad says.

“One a.m. tonight,” he says, looking at me.

“Really?” I ask.

“Yes, you had a rough week, played a damn good game, son, and Tyler, just one condition - you have to have dinner with us one day so I can get to know you. I like to know anyone who is in my son’s life.”

“Would be a pleasure,” he says.

My dad hugs me. “Be careful, have fun. Here is a few bucks,” he says, slipping me some money.

I watch my dad walk away, and I look back at Tyler, who is looking out at the field. “So…,” I say.

“Sooooo, how are you?”

“A bit sore, was tackled a few times,” I say.

“I saw that.”

“How’d you know I play football, let alone what school I go to?”

He kicks the ground. “I kind of read your file….”

“Why would you do that?!” I say, getting angry.

He puts up his hands. “No, wait, I didn’t read anything other than your name, how old you are, and what school you go to - basic stuff. I promise, I would never disrespect anyone ever like that,” he says.

“Dr. Decker would be pissed if she knew?”

“I don’t know if that would cover it. It’s also kind of illegal,” he says.

“Man, you are a bad person…,” I say, smiling.

He finally smiles. “So, good game. I didn’t know you were, like, this huge football god.”

I blush. “I am okay,” I say.

“Whatever!” He nods his head and I follow him up the bleachers. He sits down, and I sit next to him. I can feel the heat coming off of him. “So this is your element, huh?”

I shrug. “Guess so, but I don’t know. Some of the people I met here, they keep telling me I need to find myself outside of the field, like my ex… he was football crazed, as well, so it was like I was dating a really good friend, and it was weird for me. I mean, Shawn, who used to be the old quarterback here, had family issues, and he had to move, and I miss him, even though it was strange at times. He pushed me to find myself outside of football because I am the football machine, like, I can call the plays before the coaches, and I can see who messes up where on the sidelines, as soon as they take two steps, so I kind of found myself a weirdo here at first, even though I am widely known for my football skills. I just want to know who I am outside of the field. There has to be more to me than just that, right? I’m sorry, I am just rambling. Sorry.”

“No, please keep talking. I mean, this is great to hear you talking, and not so defensive,” he says, looking at me.

I let out a breath. “Sorry I was a dick Sunday.”

“It’s all good, man, I would have been the same if it was me. So you are this insane football god, and you are really hot. I mean, you should have a ton of friends. Why do I feel like you are probably the loneliest person in this school?”

“For all those reasons, when my dad first got here, the team hated me, because they thought I was out to take quarterback position, and granted, I wanted it, but my dad never would have allowed that until the position was open. Back in Dallas, I was popular, I had a ton of friends. I loved it. I was confident, I was cocky. I had the perfect life.”

“What happened? I mean, I can see the confident person every now and then, at times, but you seem like you are scared of everything anymore.”

“Just since I was adopted, everything has always been the same for me. It was super structured, I knew who I was, and yeah, I would have these nightmares of when I was in Russia and the stuff that happened to me, but I had a counselor I could talk with, and trusted. I guess this just shook me up a lot more than I would have liked, and with that, the nightmares started getting worse. Plus, I started to doubt myself.,” I tell him.

“All this was when you first moved here?”

“Yeah. I felt like I had this huge crushing weight on me, like it was on my chest and it was always so hard to breath. Plus I had no one to talk to and everything was just getting worse.

“How is it now?”

“Getting better,” I say, shooting him a smile.

“I want to apologize again about Jaxson. He does feel bad about how much of a dick he was. Just, you will never get him to show it.”

“Why?”

He lets out a little laugh. “That’s just Jaxson. He’s young and cocky, plus he’s cute and he knows it, so he uses it every single way he can.” He chuckles and makes direct eye contact with me.

“I still can’t like, process you came to my game.”

“Truthfully? Me either. I figured I would try to see if I could catch you on your way out, I mean, damn, I have no idea what is going on with football. I mean, I kinda just cheered when everyone on your side did. I mean, I know you have a lot of fans.”

“What do you mean by that?” I ask.

“A lot of people were cheering for you.”

“Were you one of them?” I ask.

I can see his smile in the glow of the stadium lights. “I’m not saying I wasn’t cheering… got a few looks, too, especially when you ran it all the way down the field for the goal,” he says.

“The touchdown,” I correct him.

“Like I said, I don’t know anything about football.”

“When are you gonna tell me more about you?” I press.

“I told you a lot about me Sunday,” he says.

“Then why are you living with Dr. Decker?” I ask.

“Okay, if we are gonna do this, then if I tell you stuff, you have to tell me stuff.”

“Deal.”

“I tried to commit suicide the first time three years ago, and I was committed to Austin State Hospital, and I met Dr. Decker there.”

“The first time?” I ask.

“Now your turn - why are you seeing Dr. Decker?”

I let out a breath. “I was adopted from Russia, and the things that happened to me, well, they have started to unravel from the mental block I created. So why did you try to commit suicide?”

“I didn’t know how to come to terms with being gay,” he says. “Now why is the mental block going away?”

“Because now that I am getting older, I want to learn more about who I am… where I come from, and I have never told anyone that,” I say and laugh. “So you tried to commit suicide, but how did you come to live with Dr. Decker?”

He moves in front of me and sits on the rails on the bleachers and grabs my hands. “Promise you won’t judge me?”

I shake my head. “No, I wouldn’t do that.”

“I accepted the fact I was gay, I was happy, I had a boyfriend. I thought we were perfect. My father died of a heart attack, and my mom, well, she never approved of me being gay. My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl. I was so heartbroken that when I told my mom, she said that’s what I get for being an abomination, and that I should kill myself. Long story short, I did… well, I tried. A friend found me before long, and I had to have my stomach pumped again, and my mom begged for anyone to take me, so Dr. Decker did,” he says, avoiding my eye.

“How’d you try to commit suicide the first time?” I ask.

“The same as the second time, which is stupid, of course. My mom had a pill problem, so I thought, why not mix them all, and drink alcohol.”

“Are you still….suicidal?” I ask.

Tyler shakes his head. “No! I love my life! Hell, I love myself now more than ever. I am a totally different person than I was back then. I have an amazing support system, and a family that loves me for me. I am in such a better mental and emotional state.”

I look down, and say, “They don’t think I do, but I know what my real parents did to me-they let people use me for drugs, or to get away with things they liked. I can clearly remember everything when my mother OD’d, and my father wasfrantic. He needed to cover it up, because if her family found out, they would have had him killed. In Russia, nothing is free, and everything comes with a cost, well, I was that cost, except I fought back.” I take his hand and slip it under my shirt, and lay his hand on my scar. His touch feels hot, and I feel that jolt course through my body again. I feel him rub the scar. “They stabbed me, trying to get me to stop fighting them. I was left for dead in the streets. I was placed in the orphanage, and that was just as bad. we were beaten a lot. I was small, so I escaped a lot of it. Apparently, I have an aunt who knew Coach and pulled a lot of strings to get me out of there.”

“You remember all of this?”

“Every detail,” I say, looking up at him.

“I am so sorry, Ryder, I had no idea.”

“Not a lot of people do.”

“Have you told anyone this?” he asks, sitting next to me

I shake my head. “I don’t want all this crap to define me. For months, this has eaten at me, and I am so fucking sick of it! I just want to be a normal teenager who like guys, who enjoys playing and watching football!”

He laughs, and not the light one - the full-on laugh where he is clutching his sides. “Well, you can be that teenager, man,” he says.

“I know Dr. Decker is like your foster mom, but I don’t want to see her anymore. I don’t want to see any of them,” I say.

“Well, she hasn’t told you, but she’s planning to retire soon. She’s opening up the hangout as a place where LGBT kids can hang out and relax.”

“What, really?”

“Yeah, man, it should be really cool.”

My stomach grumbles and I want to shoot myself in the face. I hear Tyler crack up laughing again. “You hungry?”

“Starving!” I tell him.

“Come on, lets go get some food,” he says, pulling me up by the hand.

I like how warm his hand feels in mine, and blush as I let go. “Where are we goin’?”

“Steak and shake sound good to you?” he asks.

“I don’t know, never been to one.”

“Dude, they are so good, it’s cheap and amazing,” he says, smiling.

I follow him to the parking lot, and I am waiting for him to go to his car, but he makes his way over to a motorcycle. “This is mine,” he says, smiling.

I look at him like he is crazy. “You don’t drive a motorcycle.”

“Yeah, I do. Mr. Decker actually taught me how and put me through the courses. He actually got me this as a seventeenth birthday gift. It’s a 2016 Yamaha Star bolt C-spec. Granted, it’s not a super fast bike, but it’s nice, I like it.”

“Can you drive with passengers on it?”

“Yeah, I take Jaxson to school with me every day, man,” he says.

“Have you ever had a wreck?” I ask nervously.

He grabs my hand and leads me closer to the bike. “Do you trust me?” he asks.

I shake my head yes. “Honestly, not really,” I say, laughing nervously.

“If the Deckers let me take Jaxson on it, I promise I will be extra careful with you,” he says.

It’s the intensity of his stare that convinces me. He hands me a helmet and he picks up his and puts it on. He gets on the bike and tells me to swing my leg over and hold onto him. I do as he says, and I didn’t realize I would be pressed up against him as much as I am. “Wrap your arms around me waist to keep secure,” he tells me.

I do as he says. I wrap my arms around his waist and hold onto him. I can feel his stomach move as he breathes. He starts the bike and it roars underneath us. I have to get used to the vibration it is giving off. He starts to accelerate and I tighten my grip around him. I feel him chuckle and I roll my eyes. The ride is smooth, Tyler makes sure to take turns slow. I enjoy the heat that I am feeling coming off his body, and I relax more into him letting my body press against him. Before I know it we are at Steak and Shake.

He parks the bike and takes his helmet off. I take mine off, and he grabs it and locks them into place. “How was it?”

“I liked it a lot, actually,” I tell him.

“Stop being scared?”

“About the time we got here, so I really didn’t get to enjoy it all.”

“Well, we still have the ride to your house,” he says, smiling.

He gets off the bike, and I hop off as well. I am pulling down my shirt, since it rode up a little bit, and I notice I am sporting a hard on. I instantly go red in the face, and turn towards the bike, trying not to freak out.

He walks up behind me. “You okay, Ryder?”

I just nod my head. “I need a minute,” I tell him, and my voice cracks and I want to just die right there.

I hear him laugh. “You have a woody, don’t you?”

“Ugh!” I groan, and put my hand over my face.

“Dude, it’s fine. It happens a lot to Jaxson. It’s the vibration of the bike, man. I am so used to it that it rarely happens to me anymore, but it used to, a lot.”

“So it’s common?”

“For some people, yes. It happens to Jaxson a lot, like I said. It’s all good, man.”

It finally went down, and we went inside. It took them a few minutes to seat us. “I’ll have a water, please,” I ask the waiter.

“Coke for me,” Tyler says.

We watch the waiter walk away and I start to fidget. “Why are you so nervous all of a sudden?”

I shrug my shoulders. “’Cause I am. You’re the only person I know who like, doesn’t know me as the football guy.”

“Well, I mean, I think I am starting to know you well, considering I felt something poking me in the back,” he says and smiles.

I go red in the face, and put my head on the table and groan. “I’m sorry.”

He laughs, and it’s contagious, and I can’t help but laugh, too. “Dude, stop, it’s fine, I told you it happens. Own it, man. Shit, Jaxson does! He’s like, damn! now I can’t take care of it!”

“I would never be that sexual, ever!” I say.

“Why not, man? You’re fifteen. Shit, all I think about is sex at times. I know almost everyone does,” he says.

I go to say something, but I can’t. I just go red in the face. Tyler’s grinning at me. “Oh, so you do? You just want to fake innocent, huh?”

“Shut up!” I tell him, and throw my straw wrapper at him.

“There’s that smile I like,” he says.

“Oh my gawd!” I hear from behind me.

“Oh no,” I say, looking at Tyler.

“Who is that?” he asks.

“It’s Renee. She has like, this weird obsession with me,” I tell him.

“Ryder! What are you doing here?” she says, walking up to our booth with a friend in tow.

“Going to eat with a friend,” I say, avoiding eye contact.

“Can me and my best friend Katy sit with you?” she says, already setting her phone down on the table.

“Hey, don’t I know you?” Katy says, as Tyler moves over.

He looks at her. “No, I don’t think you do.”

“You kind of look like this kid that used to go to my school a few years ago. He had some real issues,” she says.

“I mean, everyone has issues, but I guess I just have that face,” he says.

I move over so Renee can sit next to me. “Ryder, you did such an amazing job tonight!”

“The team did amazing,” I correct her.

“You are just so sweet, sharing the credit with the team,” she says and puts her hand on my thigh.

“Yeah, you did good, but that one receiver was super quick,” Tyler says.

“Jeremy!” I say, smiling.

“I guess, I didn’t catch a name.”

“So who are you?” Renee asks Tyler.

I look over at Tyler to see how he’s going to respond. “Oh, sorry, I’m Tyler. I met Ryder when at community service. My school requires we get so many hours done before we graduate, and well, Ryder here just wanted to get hours in tutoring, just to have on his resume. Did you know he is really smart, like 4.0 gpa level smart?” he says.

“I had no idea that you do volunteer hours, Ryder?” Renee says, looking at me.

“Yeah, I like to give back,” I say.

“You are just the best,” she says rubbing my leg.

“I figured you would be at the party,” I say.

“I was going to, but Katy wanted to hang out. She just broke up with her boyfriend. Friends come first.”

“I don’t think I know you?” I say to Katy.

“It’s ‘cause I don’t go to your school. I go to a private catholic school.”

“That must be tons of fun,” Tyler jumps in.

“It gets boring, really,” she says.

I smile because I know Tyler is being sarcastic, and not really wanting to talk about it at all. “So like, we should head to my house. My rents are gone and I have a pool!” Renee says.

“I don’t know. I don’t have a swimsuit or anything,” I tell her.

“Yeah, that makes two of us,” Tyler chips in.

“Silly boys, just swim in your boxers!” Renee says, as if it’s the most common thing in the world.

Before we can answer, the waiter comes back to the table to take the ladies’ orders. They just order a shake. “So what do you say, boys?” Katy asks.

“I can’t tonight,” I say.

“Awe, come on, Ryder!” Renee says, as she grips my thigh. “You always bail on me!”

“We can’t ladies, sorry. I have to get Ryder back to his house in about an hour, anyway,” Tyler says.

“Why do you have a curfew on a Friday?” Renee asks.

“Because I am fifteen and that’s what my dad wants,” I tell her.

She giggles. “I forget you’re fifteen, ‘cause you look and act so much older,” she says, rubbing my thigh more.

I start to get antsy. I don’t like what she’s doing at all. “Hey Tyler, I hate to cut this short, but I’m not feeling so good. You mind taking me home?”

“You okay, man?”

“I just have a headache and kinda nauseous - maybe from the hit I got earlier.”

“Awe, babe, you okay?” Renee says, putting her hand on my cheek.

“I just need some sleep,” I tell her.

“Okay, babe, go get some rest. Me and Katy will cancel your order for you. But call me tomorrow. I want to hang out!”

The girls move and I get out of the booth, and walk with Tyler outside. “What happened in there?”

“She kept taking feels, and I just didn’t feel comfortable with it, and my anxiety was rising about the situation. I feel like a freak - any boy would be so happy that someone was making moves on them!”

“Dude, stop! Look you’re not every other guy! I would probably be the same way. That’s just a natural reaction to get antsy to get out of a situation that you are not comfortable in. You over think this stuff, man. You think there is some major flaw in you, but there isn’t. From what I know, you were raised with morals and rules, and you know how to be a decent teenager, and not some douche bag who is an asshole like every other guy our age. I don’t think you being uncomfortable had anything to do with your anxiety. Your anxiety is triggered when you are pressured about your past, and you feel there is no way to escape out of the situation.”

“How do you know all this stuff? You only met me on Sunday!”

“Can we talk about this somewhere else?” he asks.

“No!” I say firmly.

He sighs, and runs his hands through his hair. I saw you the first time you went to see Dr. Decker. I see her partner across the hall, and I was captivated by you - your lean body, cute nose, and beautiful eyes, and the way your hair looks like it’s unkempt, but it isn’t. I read your file. Not recently, but the first few times, and when I found out you had a boyfriend, I stopped. I just wanted to get to know you. Have you ever seen someone who is so beautiful? Like it felt like I was in school and you were the popular guy, and I couldn’t approach you because we weren’t in the same social class, and yeah….”

I just look at him, and I see it - the vulnerability. I don’t think he meant anything out of malice or hate, but genuinely wanted to get to know me. “You know, you could have talked to me.”

“We couldn’t have been friends since I live with the Deckers, and I would have had no idea what to say to you.”

“So why now?”

“Well, you are single, and you came to the hangout, and Dr. Decker is ’retiring.’” he says.

“I just got out of a good relationship. We just both had so much going on that we couldn’t support each other, or be there besides physical contact, and that’s it,” I tell him.

“I know, I’m not like throwing myself out there. I just want to know you more.”

“How about we hang out tomorrow, you can meet my parents, and then you take me back to your house to officially meet the Deckers and all?”

“I would love that,” he says.