Tales of the Underground: Crestfallen - 38. Forgiveness

As we broke away from the short embrace I looked into her eyes, and finally understood everything that happened. I understood the pain and suffering that Eli was going through…that Jayden was going through. As I walked towards the door I turned back and nodded, I can do this. I can right the ship. That night I barely slept, I was just too busy running through all the different ways to talk to Eli…all the different possible conversations…all the different arguments…I’ll get through to him, I swear.

As night finally turned to day, and my bed turned into the high school hallways I couldn’t help but feel my heart race. There he was standing at his locker, long dirty blonde hair, worn out red jacket, and a big fuck you vibe radiating off of him. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself, it’s like day one all over again, except this time I understand him…I understand where all the pain and anger is coming from, and most importantly I’m going to figure out how to fight it.

“Eli” I called out, mustering all the strength I could manage.

He looked over to me and rolled his eyes “What do you want rookie?”

“We need to talk.” I exhaled, doing my best to keep a calm tone.

He turned and looked me up and down “We don’t need to do jack shit.”

“We do.” I insisted, trying to show I was coming from a loving place “Last night…seeing you in that state…I couldn’t get you out of my head. I mean you were just so so…”

“Save it” he interrupted slamming his locker door “For the last time I don’t need your sympathy.”

“It’s not sympathy.” I protested keeping a calm voice “It’s concern…I don’t want to lose my friend.”

“Why? Is Henry going somewhere?” he teased, playing it all off as one big joke.

I felt a frown grow across my face as I looked into his dead eyes “Eli I’m being serious. Seeing you that drunk or whatever you were…it was terrifying. You drove like that! Do you realize how dangerous that is?”

He rolled his eyes and leaned back against his locker “It’s nothing I haven’t done before.” He muttered.

“Well it’s going to stop.” I argued starting to lose my composure “I spoke to Jess last night and she told me…”

“Jess?” he demanded as anger crept into his eyes “Jess who?”

“Free.” I responded, more sad than angry.

His face turned a bright shade of red, and I saw a look in his eyes I didn’t recognize “What the fuck Aidan!” he screamed “What the hell gives you the right to go and do that? Who the fuck do you think you are? The world doesn’t revolve around you! You…you…you ungrateful brat! Do you have any fucking clue what thinking about the past must’ve done to her? Do you even realize how fucking painful that must’ve been?”

“Do you honestly think I wanted to do it?” I spit back, starting to match his intensity “Do you think I wanted to go McDonalds at midnight on a school night? You Eli! You were the reason I did that! You forced my hand!”

“Oh that’s just fucking rich!” he snickered “No one asked you to get involved, no one asked you to give a shit, no one asked you to to…”

“Care.” I let out in sadness, the anger on his face grew but I simply shook my head “that’s the word you used last night…you said I’m the only who cares, well that’s a god damn lie and I know you know that!”

He did his best to escape from my words, but I could tell they were starting to hit him “I was drunk.”

“Drunk words are sober thoughts.” I retaliated, landing yet another blow “You meant them, you want help…you want forgiveness.”

“I don’t want any of that.” He muttered throwing his façade right back on “For the last god damn time I’m not someone who needs to be saved.”

“Jess wasn’t mad at you, she was concerned, and the Sanders…they don’t hold anything against you. They actually…”

Eli reached over and hit me with a hard shove before I could finish “Shut the fuck up.” He growled

I shook my head in sorrow “Please Eli, don’t do this.”

“I said shut the fuck up!” he screamed connecting with another hit.

I stood still and let the blows hit “Please!” I pleaded feeling tears beginning to form. Finally he reached up and went to hit my head. Before I could stop myself I grabbed onto his arm and threw him to the ground. Rage swelled up inside me, and I finally lost control of myself “Fine! You know what? Fuck you Eli! Fuck you!” I yelped “You want to go around feeling sorry for yourself, well go ahead, be my freakin guest! You’re so hell bent on running from it all...I can’t do it Eli!” I cried out, tears beginning to fall “I can’t sit here and slowly watch you kill yourself! If that’s what you really want…well there’s a big enough plot of land next to Jamie, go ahead! Be my freakin guest!” I took one last look at the dejected kid in front of me and walked down the hall.

The rest of the day I couldn’t help but isolate myself from everyone. I just didn’t want to talk about it. The scene kept playing over and over again in my head. Why did I explode on him like that? Why did I say those terrible things? I don’t want him dead…he’s become like a big brother to me. A big grumpy, crabby, mean older brother…but still a brother none the less. Those 2 times in the underground…he went right back into the mouth of hell for me, he was willing to sell his soul to keep me safe, and now that he needs me…what did I do? Yell at him and throw him onto the god damn ground!

I felt Jayden reach over to me and grab onto my arm “Are you okay?” he whispered, doing his best not to disturb Mr. Jones.

I silently nodded and escaped back into my own world.

When the last bell finally rang I felt Jayden run up and grab onto me tightly “What’s going on with you today?” he poked with concerned eyes “I heard you got into a fight with Eli this morning, was it about last night?”

“Yeah” I exhaled following him like a lost puppy “I was trying to help him but all I did was yell at him…I told him he could go join Jamie in the ground…why did I say something that mean?”

“Eli doesn’t exactly make helping him easy.” Jayden shrugged packing his bag “I mean you’re only human…all the emotion just got the best of you. It’s not too late to give it another try ya know?” I shook my head and went to speak but Jayden shot me a look “You’re really going to give up? Just like that? Man I never thought I’d see you quit, it’s actually kinda unattractive.”

“I don’t quit.” I angrily muttered

“Then go!” he encouraged “Find Eli and fix things!”

I looked at him as doubt filled me “But what if I can’t break through…what if I…”

Before I even had time to finish the sentence I felt someone tap my back. Shock entered Jayden’s face as he turned to look at the figure behind me “Yeah?” I grunted “Can I help…” I started, but the second I turned my voice froze.

“You were right.” Eli softly muttered. His eyes were a bright shade of red, and it was clear he had spent most of the day crying.

I shook my head not understanding “What?”

“Don’t make me say it again.” He pleaded “You just…I don’t want this.” His voice slowly began to break as he spoke “I don’t want to feel like this anymore…I…I don’t know how to put it all back together…how do I handle it…how do I get past it…how?”

I shook my head and went to answer but Jayden took a step forward “You can start by forgiving yourself.” He offered.

“I can’t.” he exhaled in sorrow.

“It’s not your fault.” Jayden comforted, growing a type of strength and courage I didn’t know he held within him, he looked back towards me and smiled “My brother…your boyfriend…we have to live for them.” He nodded quoting my words from last night “They got a shitty end of the stick, they got their lives cut short, but it’s not your fault!” he insisted “When it first happened…for a while…I…I…I blamed myself…I tortured myself…I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things I could’ve done. I could’ve told my dad…I could’ve told my mom…hell I could’ve told the police! But now I know it's because just like them I got wrapped up in it.” He reached out and grasped onto Eli’s hand “We all did.”

Eli quickly pulled it back “Aren’t you mad?” he uttered in shock “I…I yelled at Matty before Jamie stopped racing…I told him that he was leeching off his skill, and after it was all over, after we buried Jamie…I told Matty it was his fault! I threw the weight on his shoulders!”

Jayden shook his head and I saw a stray tear fall “He never took it personally…he knew you were just upset.” Jayden looked to me then to Eli “He told me about you, at first he said you were some annoying gay kid that Jamie used to hang out with, but over time it changed, over time you became his brother…overtime he began to love you just as much he did Jamie and Jacob. I don’t…I don’t know why he…why he…did what he did, but it wasn’t because of you.” Slowly but surely more tears began to fall from his eyes “I don’t blame you, my parents don’t blame you…we’ve all lost too much to hate one another.”

In the blink of an eye Eli lunged forward and embraced Jayden. I watched as they both cried in one another’s arms, as they both let out the pain and weight they had been carrying…as they both began to heal.