Being Cam - 9. October 9th

Cornering Alexa was harder than I thought it would be. She never seemed to be alone. Always flanked by her friends and whichever boy was fighting for her attention that week. I was starting to feel like a stalker, lurking through the hallways trying to catch her alone.

It took three days but I finally found her during lunch. My new spot was hanging out in the courtyard, listening to the chaotic buzz in the distance. Being around my friends was hard right now. Isaac and Emma were in the loveydovey stage and Nate was still being completely silent about everything.

And me? I just needed a break from it all. The list had consumed my life as I desperately tried to track her down. My moment had come. Alexa was wondering around putting poster up for her new club she was starting, finally alone from her posse.

“Hey Alexa can we talk for a sec?”

She jumped out of her skin, not realizing I was leaning against the wall she was about to post on.

“I’m really busy right now, maybe later?”

I wasn’t going to give up that easy.

“I’ll be super quick. I just have to ask you about something. Please?”

I could see the tension bubbling beneath the surface as she looked around for any other excuse to get out of this.

“Fine. What’s up?”

I handed her the paper and her face fell.

“Where did you get this?”

“You dropped it the other day in the hallway. I’ve been trying to get it back to you.”

I almost felt bad for her. Her face was burning red and you could literally feel the panic she was going through.

“What is it Alexa?”

Tears welled in her eyes, she could barely look up from the ground.

“Please Cam. Don’t tell him about this. I was just upset and I started noticing things after he told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore. I got upset and just started writing things.”

Now I definitely felt bad for her. I would have felt the same way. Everyone says girls are more emotional and do crazy things, but have you ever seen a heartbroken boy? Boys are a disaster zone in need of Red Cross relief.

“I’m not gonna tell Nate I promise, I just…”

My courage was fading fast.

“I just wanted to know if this stuff about me was true. Did he really talk about me?”

Alexa started laughing and I could feel my face on fire this time.

“Oh my god! You like him, don’t you?”

Literally bursting into flames now. I hope there was a fire extinguisher nearby.

“Umm…”

“Your secret is safe with me. I promise Cam. Talk to me.”

She seemed so eager and genuine.

“Yeah, I think I do. I don’t think I’m gay or that he’s gay though. Like he’s literally the only person I’ve ever developed feelings for. Like ever.”

I always sounded like that stereotypical girl with all the likes and umms when I got nervous. I hated it. Alexa scrutinized me for a while before saying anything, carefully choosing her words in her head.

“Honestly Cam, I think Nate has feelings for you. I’m not just saying that as the girl he dumped either. I could see it at the dance and when he talks to you. His eyes light up, like you’re the greatest things he’s ever seen.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, or more like scoff, and Alexa just frowned.

“He won’t even talk to me since the dance. We were supposed to hang out the next day and he flaked. We like almost said we liked each other and he panicked.”

“He’s a boy Cam. Get used to it. You all are horrible at expressing anything, especially feelings.”

Maybe she was right. We really did suck. I know I was very guilty of it. Feelings were hard, especially when you were going through all the changes of teenagehood.

“What do I do?”

Somehow I felt safe with Alexa. She wasn’t a bad person, she was just hurt like me.

“Cam. Man up and tell him how you feel. He’s supposed to be your friend. Corner him like you cornered me and tell him what’s on your mind. You can’t force him to reciprocate but at least it’s off your chest.”

That sounded like a nightmare but she was right.

“Why are you helping me, Alexa?”

She smiled and it was so warm and inviting, like when your Grandma welcomes you into the kitchen for freshly baked cookies.

“Because I know what it’s like to feel something towards someone and not know what to do. Just follow your heart.”

It was like the ending of cheesy greeting card and it made everything feel better.

“Thank you. I owe you big time.”

“I know you do. Believe me, I’ll be expecting a favor in return in the future.”

She winked and disappeared down the hallway, like a ghost fading in the morning light.