Subtle Beauty - 10. Chapter 10

For the first time, I looked at Mich without fear of being caught. His cheeks further reddened to the point of being… unnatural. I didn’t care, he started this, right? He could have let me walk away, but he had to go kiss me. Those damned lips! Those damn lips. I wonder what he’d do if I kiss him?

“Stop it already.” He didn’t seem irritated. Instead, he sounded embarrassed. Cute.

“I’m not doing—”

“Hell you’re not. I feel like a fish in an aquarium or an animal in the zoo the way you’re gawking at me. Can you ease off a little? You’re making me uncomfortable.”

“I’ll stop staring if you stop blushing.” You’re mean, Coop. Give the guy a break.

Mich grabbed the towel wrapped around me and draped it over his head. “There, that’s better. Go ahead, stare all you want.”

“The towel looks good,” I teased. To be honest, I hated the towel like I’d never hated an inanimate object before. For one thing, it perfectly covered Mich’s handsome face and toned chest. More importantly, I envied the fact that it could touch his warm skin and I couldn’t.

“Are you ok, Coop?” When I looked up, Mich’s hooded figure met my gaze.

“Sorry, I just remembered something important I have to do.” Liar. Well not really. Thinking of a hundred and one ways to destroy a towel felt very important to me at that moment.

“In that case, let’s go change.” Mich got up and let the towel slide down his shoulders. Better, the towel got spared forty nine gruesome means of obliteration.

A mischievous smile played on my lips. “Hold on, rosy cheeks. You’re not getting off that easily. You still haven’t answered my questions.”

“What questions?” It felt to me like our positions had been changed. Mich usually did the teasing. Funny what a kiss could do to a guy. I felt liberated, unafraid of voicing my thoughts.

“You can start by telling me where these feelings for me came from.” Making Mich uncomfortable is fun. Payback for all those weeks he’d made me feel the same.

“What feelings?” He wore a straight face, but I saw right through it. The player is being played.

Better play along then. “Mich, if you won’t tell me then I’ll just go. Thanks for the, uh,” I brushed my fingers lightly against my lips then got up, but Mich gripped my wrist before I could walk away. I forced myself not to smile by biting my tongue, an old trick I learned through regular interaction with Vern.

“Sit down.” He saw the rebellious look on my face. “Please.”

Reluctantly, I did.

“Coop, I really don’t know where to begin. And you’re not helping me relax with your little tricks.”

I felt horrible. More so when I noticed him nervously tapping his chair in time with the jittery shake of his right leg.

“I’m sorry, Mich. Tell me when you’re ready, ok? No rush. I guess I just can’t believe that you like me that way too so some sort of explanation may convince me that this is really happening. That my fantasy somehow came true.” I said more than enough, but some truth might help Mich relax.

“It’s the way you look at me.” He seemed like he couldn’t believe what he said. Or most probably, he couldn’t make sense of his words, I sure as hell couldn’t.

“What?” Note of confusion, checked.

“I can’t explain. I mean, I don’t know how. Actually, I don’t know what I mean. Fuck, this is so hard.” He covered his head with his hands.

I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but couldn’t. After a couple of minutes, he still cradled his head in his hands. Closing my eyes, I slowly—gently—took his hand and wrapped it in mine. At first, Mich didn’t seem to notice. When he did, he couldn’t take his eyes away from our locked hands. He only peeled off his gaze to look at me questioningly. Our eyes met.

“That’s it.” He bit his lower lip. “Wish you could see what I see when you look at me. It’s those eyes. You gaze at me and I feel wanted. Do you know what I see on other people’s faces when they look at me? Absolutely nothing. My best bet, they’re thinking ‘There goes another jock,’ ‘Another one of those pretty boys,’ or ‘Make way for another blondie.’ You’re different, you make me feel special. The first time we met, those eyes comforted me when I felt particularly dejected. I couldn’t get enough of them, of you. I knew you had a crush on me, at least I had some suspicion.”

My hold on Mich’s hand relaxed, but he tightened his grip before I could slip away.

“No, Coop. Don’t. Don’t you dare feel sorry for yourself. I forbid it. You weren’t obvious. I noticed because I looked for signs. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” His eyes questioned mine.

Um, no.What you said made a little sense, but I’m still confused. Does this mean you’re gay? “Tell me more.”

“Damn, Coop, you’re so demanding. Ok, if this is what it takes. Remember when I invited you here for the first time?” How could I forget? “The truth was I felt at a loss that day. But you were there and it just happened. That first moment when our eyes met for an instant, I felt a connection with you. I had this weird feeling of wanting to be with you, get to know you better. As the day progressed, the feeling just got stronger. When I was finally alone in the car after I dropped you off, I got confused. You see, I realized that I was missing you.”

He went through the same things as I did. “Mich—”

“Whatever you’re going to say can wait.” He sighed. “So after our first meeting, the days that followed were more confusing. I was happy when I was with you and I think an attraction towards you developed in me. The realization scared me. And then you got sick. That wasn’t just scary, it was frightening. What if something happened to you? It was only after that when I admitted to myself that I like you. Then everything wasn’t as confusing as they were before that. But I was still afraid to tell you how I felt.” Mich bowed his head in shame.

“So the ‘I like you like a brother’ comment …?” I left the question hanging.

“It showed how confused I was at that time. I’m sorry. You have no idea how I wanted to beat up myself after saying that. Forgive me?”

“Beat yourself up and I’ll forgive you.” When I looked at him, I added, “Ok, I forgive you.”

“Good,” he said while gently nodding his head. “I am so glad you were brave enough to admit that you like me.”

We both studied each other’s faces. “For someone who’s perfect, you sure do have a lot of hang-ups about yourself. I mean, at least people look at you when you walk in a room, regardless of what YOU assume they think about you.”

“Let me just make one thing clear. I’m not perfect. No one’s perfect, Coop, didn’t you know that?” Wrong, to me, you’re perfect. “I thought you knew everything.” Wait a minute, did he just make a dig at me? “I wish I had a six pack going for me, actually.” He rubbed his flat belly. So perfect for him is limited to physical attributes? Vain. “I’m kidding.” Oh. “Do you really care that people don’t notice you? My guess is you don’t let other’s opinion of you affect how you view yourself. I admire that about you.” I felt him gently press my hand. “You’re unusually quiet. Anyway, it’s my turn to ask. Don’t worry, unlike you, I only have one question. Why do you like me?” Wait, what?

“Coop?”

“Where did you get the idea that I like you?” Good thinking. If I distract him enough, he will forget about the question.

“Coop!”

Didn’t work. “Ok, relax. You’re good looking, that’s why.”

“You like me for my looks, how romantic. In other words, if I start getting fat or suddenly turn ugly, you won’t like me? I must make sure not to let go of myself then.” I chose not to react. “Coop, please?”

“Why do you say my name so much? First, ‘Coop?’ Then, ‘Coop!’ Now, ‘Coop, please?’ Do you like my name so much that you just have to say it over and over?”

“Yes, I like saying your name. Coop. You’re so cute, you’re blushing because I said I like your name. I can say a lot of things to make you blush even more so why don’t you just answer my question?”

The memory of my finding out that I had clean underwear after being sick flashed in my head. “I like you because even though you tease me a lot, I feel that you actually care for me.”

“Well I do.”

I’m thankful, Mich.

“I wish to know what’s going on in that head of yours. At least give me an idea what you’re thinking.”

“Mich, how can you be ga—um, how can you like someone like me?” My heart skipped a beat. I almost referred to him as gay.

“What? I think I already explained that. It has to do with your eyes, remember?” Mich fixed me a confused and helpless look.

How do I make myself clear? “Vern?”

“What has she got to do with me liking you?” He scanned my face for the answer. “Don’t tell me you like her too?”

“You dated her.” And you told me you like her a lot which made me jealous, by the way.

“So? I’ve dated other girls, Coop.” In spite of his growing frustration, he kept a firm hold on my hand.

“Exactly, you dated girls, Mich, GIRLS. I’m not one.”

“No, you’re not. You know what you are, Coop? You’re” he’s going to say ‘gay,’ of course, “the only one who stuck around. Took the time to get to know me. You didn’t leave.”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend?” What am I doing?

“No. No one liked me enough to agree to be my girlfriend.”

“And that’s why you asked me out on a date? Because I’m willing, is that it?” Shit, I’m so easy.

“Coop, I didn’t mean it like that. Oh god, I’m a jerk. I’m not thinking. I just wanted to let you know that I don’t care you’re a guy. If that means I’m gay then fine. I’m gay and I like you Cooper.”

He finally said it. Now I’m convinced. I lightly caressed the back of his hand with my thumb in response.

He smiled affectionately. “That feels good, Coop.”

“Glad you like it.” A sudden thought occurred to me. “Um, Mich?” His eyes moved from our clasped hands to my face, a satisfied smile on his lips. “How do you propose we go on with dating? And don’t try to be funny, I’m serious.”

“Ok. If you think it necessary for us to come out, then let’s. Let’s tell the whole world we’re gay and that we’re dating.” He brushed his lips against the back of my hand which made me shiver. In one swift movement, Mich sat beside me and wrapped the towel around both of us.

“Better?”

I nodded while my thoughts focused on the closeness of our bodies. “Mich, I’m scared and I know you are too. Sure gayness is not as taboo as before, but there will be people who won’t understand. I don’t want you to come out, Mich. You’ll risk a lot if you do that. On the other hand, people won’t care if I’m gay. Except maybe my family.”

His arm wrapped itself around me, bringing our bodies closer.

“All that matters is we like each other, right?” I moved my head to look at him, his face inches from mine.

“But so you know, if I have to choose between telling everyone but keeping you and not telling people but losing you, I’d rather tell.” His warm breath felt good on my face, its sweetness penetrating me.

Blue eyes, same as the sky and the sea. “I want to kiss you so bad.”

A small smile appeared on his lips. I just gave him permission to kiss me. Our lips met, a tingling sensation started from my stomach and spread throughout my entire body.

“What are you boys doing?”

I pushed Mich away from me, hard. As my eyes focused on the owner of the familiar voice that spoke the words, my knees went limp. Grandpa.