Subtle Beauty - 19. Chapter 19

Don’t you know that the pain of his wounds was nothing compared to the hurt you caused when you kicked him out of your life?

Like a broken record, Grandpa’s words repeated themselves inside my head. What have I done? I meant to protect him from further harm, that’s all.

The doubts I kept at bay surrounded and threatened to drown me. If I did the right thing by pushing him away, why does the knowledge that Mich is hurting makes me feel like I’m the biggest jerk in the world? Unbidden, tears flowed freely down my cheeks and the trail they made stung me.

A squeeze on my arm reminded me of Grandpa’s presence. Turning away from him so he couldn’t see my tears, I tried to take control of myself as best I could.

“I’m sorry, Cooper. It seems to me that I always make you cry. Please don’t think badly of me.”

Casually, I wiped the tears off my face. “Grandpa, you did nothing wrong so don’t worry. I’m just a big cry baby, that’s all. I'm messed up.”

“You can still do something about this.” He shook my body gently.

I didn’t allow myself to dream that Mich and I could still get back together. Causing him pain once was enough, he doesn’t need to be hurt again by me. What he deserved was someone better, anyone but me.

A sigh escaped from Grandpa. “Son, look at me. There’s something I want, no, need to tell you.”

With wariness, I turned toward him. His face, which to me always seemed to be painted with a kind smile, was dead serious, its intensity almost frightening. Our gaze met and I felt the gravity of what he was about to say.

“A very young Michael once asked me: ‘Grandpa, why do people I love leave me?’” His eyes glazed over and his hand on my arm trembled. “I didn’t know what to tell him so I just wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. To be honest, I was asking myself the same thing. My wife, Michael’s grandmother, left me early and then his mother, my daughter, was taken away from me. So you see, we were all we had, just the two of us.”

With a tap on my arm, Grandpa straightened up. “For a while, that was fine and we are both happy. But as time goes by, I know in my heart that I cannot protect Michael forever. I am an old man, Cooper.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he stopped me with a smile and shake of his head. “No need to contradict me just to be nice, I am old. I’m thankful I still have almost full control of my faculties, but let’s face the truth, I won’t outlive either you and Michael.”

A strong feeling urged me to embrace Grandpa and I found myself wrapping my arms around his upper body. “Please stop. Let’s not talk about that.”

He stroked my hair with gentleness, bringing tears to my eyes. “Son, it’s ok. Death is a part of this world, you know that. I’m not going to drop dead here so please stop crying. The reason I brought this up is because there’s a favor I want to ask of you.”

Blinking tears away, I let go of Grandpa so I could look at his face. His expression made me dread the favor he was going to ask. I hoped he wouldn’t ask me to get back together with Mich. Anything but that.

“Cooper,” kindness appeared in his eyes as he smiled at me, “I know it’s unfair to ask this of you. If I had any control of the situation, I won’t be burdening you of all people. But you’re the only one I can turn to so I hope you hear me out at least. After I’ve said what I came here to say, you have every right to refuse of course.”

The beat of my heart quickened the more I listened to him. Against my better judgment, I nodded my head once and I saw Grandpa relax his body, which slowly tensed again as he talked.

“Thank you.” He paused and the look on his face gave me the impression that he was trying to decide how to tell me what was on his mind. “I can’t think of a better way to say this so I’ll just get straight to the point. When I... leave, Michael will be all alone. I know he’s old enough to take care of himself, but I’ll rest easier knowing that there’s someone who’ll check up on him once in a while. Can you do that for me, Cooper?”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Grandpa, I don’t think I should be around Mich. He’ll get himself hurt because of me. That’s why I can’t get back with him.”

His eyes studied my face and I stared back at him in confusion. How could he ask something like that from me?

Grandpa’s hand moved to touch my shoulder, but I leaned back to avoid it. Slowly, he retracted his hand. “I’m sorry, Cooper. After assuring myself that you still love Michael, I thought only of my need as a grandfather with little regard to your feelings. I hope you believe me when I say that I’m not asking you to get back together with him. Whether or not you do that is entirely your decision, I’m not going to infringe on that.”

I relaxed a little, but the confusion I felt lingered. What did he want from me then? “I don’t understand.”

He reached for me again, but I let him put his hand on my shoulder this time. “You love him and that’s not going to change even if you two are not together. All I’m asking is that you check up on him. After what you’ve been through, how can the two of you not be friends?”

Thinking over what Grandpa said, I couldn’t see myself being friends with Mich either. Not in the very near future anyway. So since Grandpa wouldn’t... go away anytime soon, I decided to agree to what he wanted. “Ok.”

I couldn’t make myself add that I’d look after Mich because doing so would be like acknowledging Grandpa’s... death. For some time, Grandpa and I looked at each other, leaving untouched things best left unsaid. He pulled me close to him and we hugged as if we didn’t want to let go. When he patted me on the back, I knew it was time for him to leave.

“Thanks for the visit,” I said as I walked him to the door.

“Take care, Cooper.” He ruffled my hair like a father would do to his son. “And go to the doctor to have your head checked. Your headaches seem really serious.”

It didn’t surprise me that Mich told him. They had that kind of relationship, an open and honest one. Thinking about it, I didn’t mind that Grandpa knew. “I will, Grandpa, promise. If anything, I owe Mich that.”

“Good. We should have lunch together one of these days.” With a kind smile on his face, Grandpa bowed his head slightly before turning his back at me. I sighed when I saw him disappear on a corner.

Together? It seemed important somehow. Racking out my brains with a frown, I pondered over its significance to me. When I had almost given up, it hit me and the realization left me slumping on the couch. We’re in this together, the promise I made to Mich.

*************************

Two weeks had passed since Grandpa’s visit and Finals were scheduled in another two weeks. I'd been too busy with school to go to the doctor. I couldn’t say that the headache was alleviating. In fact, it was worsening. My grades were slipping despite my best efforts to keep them up. It all came down to forgetting things when they mattered most.

I heard a soft knock on the door while memorizing some notes for tomorrow’s quiz, things I’d probably forget when tomorrow comes. Muttering things I’d memorized to myself, I made my way to the door and opened it to find the lobby empty. Leaning against the doorframe, I looked right and as I turned my face to the left, something white on the floor caught my attention.

Looking down, I saw an animal carrier cage lying a few inches away from my feet. I kneeled down and found a gray tabby cat, barely out of kittenhood, as I looked inside. The cat stared at me with different colored eyes, its right eye was blue and the other was green. Fascinated, I put my index finger inside the cage and the furry thing rubbed its face against me.

Grinning like a kid, I watched as it licked its fur. I noticed then that the cat had black stripes all over him. Or her. Feeling foolish, I opened the cage’s door and it tentatively stepped forward. It stretched itself and wagged its tail around while scanning its surroundings. With wonder in my eyes, I sat crosslegged on the floor and observed the cat as it chased its own tail.

In its excitement, the cat rolled on the floor, but stopped when its eyes landed on me. It got up and made its way to me, curling itself on my lap. I stroked its soft fur and I heard it purr appreciatively. My hand grazed against a collar when I rubbed its chin. Turning over the collar’s medal, I saw that the owner of the cat was none other than me. With a big frown on my face, I turned the medal the right side up and the name Sebastian was written on it in script letters. Heart beating fast, I would’ve bolted outside, but I gently picked up the cat--my cat--first and laid it on the floor. Sebastian looked up at me as I got on my feet.

“Mich,” I called out as I stepped outside my apartment. The lobby remained quiet and empty except for Sebastian and I. Seb circled my feet and rubbed itself against my leg. Careful not to step on Seb, I walked halfway down the left lobby and spoke Mich’s name again. This time, he stepped out from a corner.

Seb ran toward Mich and he picked up the cat with one hand and cradled it to his chest. While stroking its fur, he watched me with tired eyes. “How’d you know it was me?”

The lack of the goofy smile on his face brought an ache in my heart. “Hi, Mich. Would you like to come in for a bit?”

He regarded me with guarded eyes. The bags under them made me wonder how many sleepless nights he had. I turned my back to him to hide the tears brimming on my eyes. Walking back to my apartment, I felt rather than saw him following me. As I went in, I picked up the Seb’s carrier cage and laid it on top of the coffee table.

I heard Mich close the door behind him. Spinning on my heels, the first thing I noticed was that his eyes were on me while Seb slept on his arm. A powerful feeling to wrap my arms around him came over me, but the hurt expression painted all over his face had me rooted to the spot.

“Would you like to sit down?” With trembling arms, I pointed toward the couch.

Mich shook his head slightly. “Nah, I just came here to deliver Sebastian. I know you

don’t want me in your life anymore, but I just couldn’t resist watching you. Sebastian is probably just an excuse for me to see you, I just didn’t expect you’d figure out he’s from me.”

Not trusting my legs to support my weight, I backed against the couch and sat down. “How could I not know he’s from you when you gave him your middle name? Mich, is Seb really just an excuse? Why do I get the feeling that he’s more than that?”

He moved toward me in silence and offered me Seb. “It doesn’t matter, Coop. Just please take care of him.”

My hand brushed against his arm as I took Seb from him. The brief touch left me breathless. When I had taken control of my breathing, Mich’s hand was on the doorknob. We’re in this together. “Wait.”