Subtle Beauty - 24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

What now? It took every ounce of my strength not to look back. The faintest of sounds made me think of him; he’s coming after me. A dying man’s wish perhaps? I whispered his name in the wind as I quickened my steps.

My feet brought me to the beach and without a second thought, I slipped out of my shoes and socks. The sand warmed my feet as I trudged on, the cold water barely making it to my ankle.

Inhaling a lungful of air, I looked back at the prints I made in the sand. Before long, a wave came in, erasing my footprints. I laughed and shed a tear at the irony of it. I am so like those prints, waiting for my own wave to take me away.

I knew I should be scared, but fear eluded me. The first time the doctor told me about the tumor in my brain, I felt nothing but sadness. Maybe if I felt more, a tiny speck of worry, perhaps things would be better. I’m in denial… Yeah, right.

Finding a section of the beach shaded by trees, I let go of my shoes and laid down face up. Blue sky specked with fluffy clouds; could anything be as beautiful? Closing my eyes, the calming sound of the ebb and flow of water reached my ears. A bird squawking to my left made me move my head to the side. I could even detect the faint roar of a plane’s engine as it flew by.

Slowly, I opened my eyes to bright sunlight. Propping myself on my elbows, I looked at the horizon and caught sight of the lighthouse.

Him I thought of the most.

The calm before a violent storm, this felt like that. When I arrive home… No, I’d worry about that later. Let me enjoy this moment first. Allow me my make believe reality. He would be waiting for me at home with my family. The tumor in my brain wouldn’t be an issue. I’d be happy until… until…

Sighing, I scooped up a handful of sand. My brows furrowed when a droplet of water darkened a tiny part of the sand I held. Another drop made me look up, expecting raindrops to pelt my face. Nothing except a gentle breeze caressed my skin. The drip of water continued when I lowered my gaze. Tears.

Then I couldn’t hold them back. Times spent with him flashed through my mind. At least I have memories. But what about him, what did I leave him with? Heartache, false hope, broken promises. Letting him go was the right choice; I’d given him a chance to a better life without me in it. After all, he had been through a lot—too many deaths. It would be cruel to have him go through another one.

The handful of sand had slipped through my fingers by the time I peeled my eyes off the lighthouse. I wondered where he is. On his way home, most probably. Grandpa would take care of him, he always had. Another promise I couldn’t keep; I’m sorry, Grandpa.

With sand clinging to my hair and clothes, I picked up my shoes and started the trek home.

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I gently knocked on the front door, hoping no one would hear me. A few seconds passed and the door remained closed. Heart pounding, my hand flew to my hair and I consciously ran my fingers through them. The sand that clung to me had long been brushed off. The door opened just as I straightened my shirt.

“Hi, Mom.” The wrinkled eyes looking back at me held a glint of fondness. Placing a kiss on her forehead, I sidled pass her and plopped down on the carpeted living room floor. In a matter of seconds, a cat with different colored eyes jumped on my lap.

Mom closed the door gently. “Where’s Mich? Why did you two run off before he could unload his luggage?”

Keeping my back to her, I caressed Seb’s neck with my fingers. “Sorry about that. I showed him… around. Some stuff came up that made him decide to go home. Anyway, I hope you don’t mind me bringing Seb. Mi—a friend gave him to me.”

“Is everything ok, Cooper?” I felt Mom standing behind me and heard her going down on her knees. Stroking my back, she placed her chin on my shoulder. “What happened?”

“Mom…” The circular movement of her hand on my back paused when a shudder rippled through my body. Fearing my voice would crack, I decided to hold my tongue. Seb had finished cleaning himself before I opened my mouth again. “I’d like to talk to you, Dad and Ben. Ellie too if she’s here.”

To my surprise, Mom wrapped her arms around me. “It’s so good to have you back. You’ve no idea how much we’ve missed you. How I wish you can stay.” I felt her lips brush against my shoulder. A single tear fell from my eye and I turned my face away to hide it from her. “Stay here while I call your father and siblings.”

Two minutes later, a whoop of joy came from upstairs followed by loud footsteps against the wooden stairs. The frightened Seb hid from under the sofa as the noise came nearer. Turning toward the source of the sound, I smiled as I gazed at eyes which had the same color as mine. The grin on the face of the boy before me widened as he charged me at full speed. I staggered backwards when his body hit me. “Ben, you’re crushing me.”

“Coop, you’re finally here! You missed my birthday, but that’s ok. You’re here now and I’m not letting you go away again.” As if to prove he meant business, Ben locked his arms around my body knocking the wind out of me.

“Ben, get off of your brother. You’ll have plenty of time to kill him later.” Gasping for air, I watched as my father helped Ben on his feet.

“Thanks, Dad. Nice to see you too, Ben.” My brother poked his tongue at me as I winked at him. One by one, they sat on the sofa with my parents on either side of Ben. I stayed on the floor and waited for another sound of footsteps, but none came. Turning to my mother, she shrugged as her lips formed into an uneasy smile.

Looking at their expectant faces, I asked myself whether this was the right thing to do. I didn’t come up with any answer, but a resolve formed from within me. Despite his actions, Ben had grown up. He needed to know the truth, as did my parents.

“Hey guys, I’m back.” The slight tension which settled in the room due to my silence dissipated. Ben moved to get up, but he stopped when I put my hand in the air.

“There’s something I want to say and I’d appreciate it if you listen.” I intently looked from one face to another to convey I didn’t want to be interrupted. “I’m not going back to school, not really sure if my grades will be good enough to allow me to continue my scholarship. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to stay here. For as long as possible.”

Ben fidgeted in his seat, but he kept his mouth shut. Meanwhile, my parents looked at each other before their eyes settled on me.

Unable to meet their gaze, my linked hands suddenly took my interest. “My memory’s not as good as it used to be and I suffer from occasional headaches. After consulting a doctor, I was told I have… brain tumor.”

Mom gasped while Ben sobbed, but I kept my gaze lowered. The banging of the front door the only thing which made me look up. Ellie. Where did she go?

All eyes focused on me; Mom wiped her tears as she held Dad’s hand. My father’s unusually impassive face masked his feelings.

I tried to get up, but found I couldn’t. Beside me sat my mother, her left hand clinging at my arm. “Are you going to...?”

“Yes.” Her face faltered, the pastiness of her skin making me worry she’d faint. Mustering what self-control I had left, I put on a brave expression for her. “It’s going to be ok, Mom. The doctor gave me medicines to keep me going. I’ll be fine.”

“Fine? How can you be fine?” A fiery glint appeared in her eyes. “And what makes you so sure? Maybe they made a mistake. Who gave them the right to tell you you’re... you’re...”

She couldn’t make herself say it, probably thinking if she did, it would come true. I did nothing when she broke down in front of me except watch her. Her tears flowed freely and every part of me wanted to cry with her. But I remained strong; I had to, for their sake. After minutes of inaction, Dad rose from his seat and comforted Mom.

When I placed a hand on my father’s shoulder, he turned to me with saddened eyes. Holding his gaze, I tried to communicate with him with my eyes and a silent understanding passed between us.

“Ok, buddy, I believe you.” He let out a long sigh as he patted Mom’s back. “But you can’t expect us to do nothing about your situation. We’re your parents and we love you so much. Your Mom and I will think of something to make you better.”

“But—”

“Coop, please.” The pleading tone in his voice silenced me.

Cautiously, I stood up on unsteady legs as I stared at Ben’s wide-eyed and tear-streaked face. None of them made a move as I went upstairs. Closing the door to my bedroom, I collapsed on the wooden floor. I felt drained and unfeeling.

When I came to, darkness filled the room; I must’ve dozed off. I felt a dull ache on my left shoulder, the result of being slumped on the floor. Shifting my body, I thought I heard a sob somewhere in the room. With ears strained, I listened for the sound and where it came from. A minute passed, perhaps more, but the room stayed quiet. Just my imagination.

“Coop…” The tiny voice came from the bed.

Sitting up, I saw a dark silhouette leaning against the wall. “Ben, why didn’t you wake me up? You should have turned the light on at least.”

“I thought… I thought…” He kept whatever he thought to himself. After a while, he continued sobbing.

My brows furrowed before it hit me. I imagined Ben coming into my room and finding me unmoving on the floor. Standing up, I turned the light on. “Hey, it’s ok. Look at me.” My brother’s head inched up from being hidden in his arms. “See, I’m still alive. I fell asleep on the floor, that’s all.”

Slowly, I moved to the bed and sat beside him. Wrapping my arms around him, I hugged his small body tightly. “I’m sorry for scaring you Ben. Sorry for laying this down on you like this. But you’re a grown up now, I knew you’d understand. You’ll have to take care of Dad, Mom and Ellie when I’m… gone.”

“But who’d take care of you?” He burrowed his face against my chest as he bawled. Unsure what to do, I ran my hand against his hair and decided to wait until his tears ran out. After a long while, he calmed down, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. “Are you going to die, Coop?”

I could feel his eyes boring on me as he sniffled and continued to wipe his face. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. “Yes.”

His tight grip on my arm made me look at him. “Is it my fault? Did I make you sick? I’m so sorry.”

My jaw dropped while my brows crumpled. “What are you talking about? My sickness is not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault really. There’s nothing that can be done about it.”

“But earlier, when I jumped you. Maybe you got the tumor because you hit your head on the floor.” Ben’s eyes were widened in fear and his small body trembled slightly.

Placing my hands on his shoulders, I shook him gently. “Oh Ben, don’t be silly. I was sick before I came here.”

“Maybe I made it worse because of what I did earlier.”

“Stop. Please, stop.” I bit my lower lip to hold back the tears threatening to gush out. “If you don’t stop this nonsense, I’m going to be very sad. I came home because I knew you’re going to take care of me. I can count on you, right?”

Before Ben could answer, a knock came on the door. When the door opened, Ellie walked in, her eyes reddened. “Coop, I’m so sorry. I know you won’t ever admit it, but I’m the reason you went away. Because of my selfishness, stubbornness and stupidity. You probably hate me and you have every reason to be, but I want you to know that I love you so much.”

“Oh Ellie, I don’t hate you. I never did. And I love you too.” Despite the tears falling down my cheeks, I felt a smile on my lips.

Ellie came closer, gently dropped on the floor and hugged my midsection. “I don’t know how to make you better, but I figured you might like to see him so I searched around and brought him over.”

Him? Surely she didn’t mean him. He’d be far away by now unless he stayed on. It’s not impossible.

“Hey, Coop,” a deep familiar voice said.