Subtle Beauty - 8. Chapter 8

“What’s with the scowl this early in the morning?”

I stopped looking out the car window. Mich picked me up from my apartment—again—and we were on our way to school. More than anything, I wished I could be as far away from him as possible. It was the only way I could think of for me to get over my feelings for him. Moving to another continent would help. Big time. But how would I do that when I had school?

“The inside of your car stinks.” Seeing him frown made me feel worse. You’re hopeless, Coop.

“Geez, Coop, what’s up?” He kept his eyes on the road, but I felt his attention was on me. “Your mood seems off lately. The whole week, actually.”

You’re like a brother to me. I kept hearing those words whenever I was with him and the feeling of emptiness always followed. Impossible as it seemed, I hoped he liked me more than as a friend, but definitely not as a brother. If only this sensation of being alone would go away... No, I want not to feel altogether.

“Sorry, Mich, I’m just...”

“What?” Mich’s voice strained. “You’re just what, exactly? Let me guess, tired? That was what you were going to say, right? You give that excuse everyday. I believed you the first time, but I’m not so sure anymore.”

After some pause, he added, “I thought we were friends.”

Guilt seeped its way deep inside me. He noticed? Of course he did, how could he not? We were together most of the time. If only he knew how hard it was for me to be around him when what I really wanted was for him to be mine. He’s driving me crazy.

My mouth opened, but no words came out. Mich turned to me for a second and he looked disappointed, like I just let him down.

“Just tell me what’s wrong. Please?”

His downcast eyes sealed the deal. My heart ached like never before. His lips seemed odd without his goofy smile in it, the one I made myself believe he reserved only for me. I’d do anything to bring it back.

Without any further hesitation, I said, “If we’re going to do this, can you wait until a little bit later?”

“Ok, but you have to tell me everything.”

Mich smiled at me, an expectant look on his face. My gaze lingered as I made a mental image of him. Would he look at me the same way after today? A sense of foreboding silenced me.

“Coop,” his voice held a note of concern, “are you ok?”

Of course not. How could I possibly be okay by the prospect of outing myself to the person I like? If only I handled my feelings better. All he wanted was friendship, but I wanted more. Now I risked losing everything.

“Don’t worry about me.” I faked a laugh. “I’ll see you after your match?”

Mich braked suddenly. Good thing we were on school grounds already. With both hands, he gripped the wheel tight. He seemed afraid, but of what? And why?

“Mich?”

He must have held his breath because he exhaled long before looking at me. “I... I’m a nervous wreck before my matches.”

An embarrassed smile played on his lips. How could it be? He’s always so confident. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

“I’ll feel better if someone will be there to cheer me on.” A touch of red streaked his cheeks.

“Won’t your parents be there?” My intention was good, but I made things worse. Mich avoided talking about his parents. He acts as if they don’t exist.

“I have no control over my nerves before a match. But you’re right, I’ll be fine. It would mean a lot to me if you’re there though.”

This wasn’t the first time he asked and I always declined each of his invitations. What made today any different? I’d no idea how to handle an almost naked Mich, I’d make a fool of myself for sure.

“I’ll be there.”

He didn’t try to hide his surprise. “Damn. You’re going to tell me something big later, I know it. I feel like this will be the last time I see you.”

You’re right. “I’ll see you later.” Without a sideways glance at him, I got off his car.

********************

Lunch. With Vern. At the cafeteria. Whoopee.

“Are you even listening to me, Coop?”

“Of course.” It’s not like I’m dreading talking to Mich later. I would just be outing myself to him. Not a big deal really. Just another uneventful affair in Cooperville. Make that Loserville.

“What’s bugging you?” She faced me with her brows raised slightly.

“Nothing. The usual. School. Stuff. You know?” Vern, I’d really appreciate it if you back off just this once.

“No, I don’t know.” While looking at me, she absent-mindedly played with her salad.

“You don’t tell me anything anymore. I’m still your friend, Coop. Just because you have a ‘new friend’ doesn’t mean you have to forget your old friends. Friends who’ve been with you for years. And by friends, I mean me.”

New friend? Why did she say it that way? Like she knew. Preposterous. She doesn’t. I made sure of that, didn’t I? Kept that part of myself secret from her.

“You know what,” with her hand, she swept her tray to the side and fixed me a thoughtful gaze, “screw this. Just tell him and be done with it. I’m here no matter what happens.”

“Who are you talking about? And what am I going to tell him?” Fuck, it couldn’t be. Please let this be about something else.

“Mich. Tell Mich how you feel about him.” She said in a lowered voice. Almost a whisper.

“What? How...” did you know? I peered deep into her eyes. She didn’t blink nor avert her gaze, just stared back at me.

“I had my suspicion ever since that day.” That day, huh? So I wasn’t very good at hiding it as I thought I was. “I only knew for sure when I saw you with Mich.”

My eyes, the ones that held her gaze, lowered in shame. I slowly pulled my hand which rested on the table toward me, but Vern caught it and held it. A simple gesture really, but I felt her acceptance. She’s not mad at me, still wants to be my friend in spite of my sexuality. Watching her grip my hand gave me hope, a small one, but it gave me courage.

“I promised to tell him later about... me.” Vern nodded her head slightly when I gave her a meaningful look.

“Want me to come with you?” she asked.

Smiling, I said, “Ok who are you, and what have you done with my best friend?”

My hand dropped hard on the table when she let go of it. “I’m just being nice so I offered. You of all people should know that I’m avoiding Mich.”

Aside from hurting a bit, my hand seemed fine. “Thanks for the offer, but I think I’d prefer to do this alone.”

Vern smiled and nothing more was said about my sexuality or anything related to it during the rest of lunch period. Would it be wishful thinking if I hoped things would go this way with Mich?

********************

Of all the fucked up things in my life, never in my wildest dreams had I pictured myself inside a crowded gym. So why did I agree to watch his match? Simple, I wanted to see Mich doing what he loved for the last time. Students abound, but some parents were also present. My eyes darted from one grown up face to another, searching for a couple who looked like older versions of Mich.

The announcement of the name ‘Anderson, Michael’ made me focus my attention on the starting line. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him. He looked so serious, almost—dejected? His somber face scanned the crowd and his eyes lit up when he saw me. Mich glowed, what a difference a smile made. My inhibitions dissipated. It didn’t matter anymore that he wore skimpy blue trunks. (Damn, he looks hot!) I’m here for him and my presence just put him at ease.

I found it weird that I wasn’t interested in any of the other young guys to the right and left of Mich. They wore the same skimpy trunks and had the same defined body, but with one problem: They’re not Mich. As I reasoned with myself, I found that it wasn’t weird at all. There were plenty of good looking guys in school, but I was only attracted to Mich. He’s special. At least to me.

A shot signaled the start of the match. Open-mouthed, I watched as Mich deftly treaded the water with ease. He swam with grace. I saw his arm muscle bulge as he strained himself to go faster. The crowd cheered and I joined them, I chanted Mich’s name over and over. In my exhilaration, I didn’t realize that somebody else reached the finish line before Mich. He came in second.

The other matches ended and gradually, the crowd thinned until I was one of the few left. Where’s Mich? Panicking, I made for the shower room.

Please be okay. I hesitated at the entrance, but steeled myself when no Mich came out after ten minutes.

“Mich?” He sat on a bench with his head on his hands. “I’m sorry you didn’t win.”

When Mich looked up, he had a big grin on his face. “Are you kidding me? I always come in fourth. This is my best finish yet. I won.”

With his eyes glued to mine, he got up and wrapped his arms around me. He whispered in my ear, “Your presence made all the difference. Thank you.”

Okay, how do I react to a guy hugging me in a deserted shower room while wearing only a towel around his waist?

I came up with clearing my throat. Go figure.

“Something wrong?” he asked while letting me go.

My hands went to my face when I felt myself blush. It was only then that Mich realized what he just did, because his cheeks turned red too.

“I’ll wait for you outside while you ah,” fuck, my eyes automatically scanned his naked upper body, “change.” I turned on my heels and almost tripped over myself as I made my way out.

Mich joined me outside after five minutes and together we made our way to his car, both avoiding each other’s gaze. Thinking that Grandpa would be at home, I didn’t complain when Mich suggested we go to his place.

We drove in silence, the shower scene playing repeatedly in my head. His smell, his warmth, his breathe against my ear as he thanked me—would he ever hold me like that after today?

Upon arrival at his place, I frowned as I watched Mich open the front door with his spare key. Something’s wrong in this picture.

“Where’s Grandpa?” I croaked.

A smiling Mich said, “He went out to visit some friends. We have the place for ourselves, at least for a while.”

Oh no. “Um, Mich, I think I’ll be more comfortable telling you what was bothering me earlier at my place.”

“We’re already here,” he replied. “Besides, you haven’t been in our backyard pool yet.”

“I don’t know how to swim.” Cool, saved by my incompetence at sports.

“Great, I’ll teach you then. And don’t worry, I have spare board shorts you can borrow.”

********************

Mich banged on the bathroom door. “Coop, are you planning to stay the rest of the afternoon in there? I’m going down now, but I’m giving you only five minutes to follow. If not, I’m going to bring you to the pool by force, understood?”

I heard Mich sigh when I didn’t answer then he shuffled his way downstairs. Grabbing a towel, I wrapped it around myself then made my way to the pool. Mich floated face up on the water when I arrived.

“Come on in, the water’s fine,” he invited upon noticing me.

Mich watched as I removed the towel from around me and draped it on the chair. The water reached my legs when I sat on the pool’s edge. My heart pumped faster when I saw Mich examining my body.

I frowned at the weird glint in his eyes as he told me to jump in. Lowering myself in the water, Mich swam toward me.

“So what were you going to tell me?” His voice sounded weird and his breath was labored.

Better get this over with.

I swallowed, looked into his eyes, quickly glanced away again. Letting out a shaky breath, and distancing myself, I let the words fall from my lips. “I—I like you, Mich. I like you enough to resent that you look at me as a brother. I’m sorry.”

He remained impassive as I examined his face for signs of rejection or anger. In spite of the warm weather, I shivered.

“I’m sorry.” Clumsily, I made my way toward the pool’s edge.

“Let’s go out.”

Cringing, I turned to face him. “So you can beat me up? Go ahead, I deserve it.”

An amused smile played on his lips. “I’m asking you out on a date, what do you say?”