The Year I Stopped Being Invisible - 19. Chapter 19

Taine felt so good in my arms. This was a position I could never grow tired of, and I kissed his hair gently as he nestled against my chest. All of the loneliness and despair which I had once felt in my own life had been lifted from my shoulders and carried away by the strength of this moment. I had never felt so calm, so sure that happiness and love were within my reach, literally within my arms.

As I held my angel close, I began to come back to reality, as if being pulled from a deep and wonderful sleep. I resisted, of course, but pretty soon the wheels started turning, bringing with them all my doubts, fears and questions...

Had I pushed Taine into this? Would he now push me away if I had gotten too close? What had brought him to this point?

I felt like I knew what had brought me to this point...it was indisputably true that I needed him. I also felt like he needed me, or at least like he needed somebody. He had never answered my question and I still didn't know what had made him so upset. His breathing had steadied and I hated to break the moment, but I needed to understand him better.

"Taine, please tell me what's wrong."

I whispered it into his ear softly, pulling my head from his shoulder just far enough to direct the words.

His response came in the form of a tightened grip of his arms around my back, sinking deeper against me and trying to escape my request. I returned his strength and tucked my head into the curve of his beautiful neck, offering a silent apology and acknowledgement of his answer.

We stayed like this, locked in a tight embrace, for several more minutes before I felt him loosen his grip and separate himself from me, just far enough to rest his forehead at a slight angle onto mine.

"What isn't wrong?"

The question was also the answer, and I understood it perfectly well.

"Somehow," I ventured softly, "everything will be all right, Taine. I don't know how, but it will."

"No it won't," Taine sighed in despair. "It's too late. Everything will never be all right. I've screwed so many things up. My mom..."

He was openly sobbing again, pressing his forehead into mine so hard that it hurt. My words hesitated for fear of opening a wound so deep that it couldn't be closed.

"That wasn't your fault, Taine. People get sick. People die. It happens to everyone. Why do you think you had anything to do with it?"

As I asked, his fingers clenched together, pinching clumps of my sweatshirt. He wasn't ready to go there and I wished I hadn't asked. It was too much for him.

Eventually, he eased again and began to calm.

Most of the major calamities in his life were well-ingrained. Lives don't get screwed up overnight, nor do they get fixed that way. Taine had showed so much bravery, but he had now broken down. Something had pushed him over the edge...maybe the fight, maybe something else.

"Babes, did something else happen yesterday that upset you, something with your dad?"

"Nothing happened, Rick," Taine sighed after a time. "I don't even try anymore. He just doesn't understand me. I can't explain it. When I'm at home, even when he's there, I just feel so...so alone. If we're not in front of you or other people, it's just so silent and empty and lonely. I don't know what I've done. I must have done something to deserve..."

"NO!"

I shocked him as much as I shocked myself. It was a reflex statement, and was out of my mouth long before I could reel it back in. I took a deep breath and gave him a humble look, my eyes pleading with him to believe me. My hands moved to both sides of his face, my thumbs gently wiping his eyes clear before my hands resettled softly at the rear of his neck.

"No."

Softly this time, quiet, my voice and eyes now pleading together.

"No, Taine. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve any of this. But, look...he's grieving, too. He's trying not to show it, but he's grieving too, like you. It's nobody's fault. But..."

My own eyes refilled with tears so thick I could barely see him, and I had to blink hard to release the flow before refocusing.

"You deserve so much more."

My head was now gently shaking sideways and a tight-lipped, loving smile tried to take grip on my quivering face. There was a look in his eyes that wanted to believe me. But other forces -- ghosts of the past, fears of the present, despair of the future -- were also at work deep within him, pulling him away.

"I'm trouble, Rick," he said flatly. "I don't want you to get hurt, too. So many things are already destroyed..."

He hadn't moved an inch but I could feel him drifting away from me. He was shaking. I felt like I had failed him...or at least my words had.

I decided to just gently lean into him, resting our foreheads back together. I could only hope to soothe him again with my touch. I closed my eyes and softly and slowly stroked the back of his head, gently combing my fingers through his soft, silky hair. His quivering relented, but he felt cold and lifeless in my arms.

He had receded deep within himself -- summoned there by fear, I believed. He didn't want me to get hurt too. I truly believed that he couldn't even bear the thought of hurting me somehow.

How could he possibly hurt me? Was he afraid he would disappoint me? Couldn't he know that he deserved every bit of the confidence and faith I had in him?

I had found it within myself to really believe in Taine. He had been emptied so mercilessly and thoroughly by the many wounds in his life. Did he really feel responsible for all that had gone wrong around him? His beautiful head was filled with lies and truths all tangled together, his mind unable to untie the knots and sort out the difference. I felt completely overwhelmed and under-equipped for the project that lay ahead.

I barely heard him when he said it. He spoke it in such a soft voice.

"Thanks, Rick."

Again, he clenched me tight one last time before gathering himself and pulling back, boring into me with those X-ray eyes just like he had done many times before. This time though, his eyes were in role-reversal, sending an answer to an unasked question.

I felt warm. I felt loved. I also felt reassured, having begun to wonder how Taine would respond to me when this was over. I knew that what we had communicated was real, but I was afraid that it wouldn't be an easy adjustment for him. He may have sensed my unease, but no matter, his reassurance was much welcomed.

As he broke his stare and we lost touch for the first time in what must have been at least an hour, my eyes detected movement in the background through the window, out in the yard.

I tried to sharpen my focus, but was unable to pick up where the movement had come from. My eyes were now sore from their intense efforts. Could they have been playing tricks on me? The rain was subsiding, but the wind was still howling in the dark Texas night.

I stepped up to the window and peered deep into the back yard. Nothing. I decided to keep this to myself. Even if someone had been there, how could they see us if I couldn't see them? There was plenty of wildlife in our yard, too, I thought.

We stepped out of the bedroom and began making our way back to the front of the house. I couldn't help but look back inside, knowing that what had happened in that room would change my life forever.

I felt taller, stronger, even older, and definitely more mature. I was in love and determined to win. I was no longer locked in a petty battle with someone like Coach Keith, though. Or even Kevin. I was already making plans to deal with him.

I was now locked in a much larger and more important battle, to help win back the life of the boy I loved. I didn't know how long it would take, how hard the battle would be fought, or where it would take me. I only knew that I would win or die trying.

I would leave nothing on the battlefield. Whatever sacrifice I had to make, whatever pain I had to suffer, I would do so in the all-powerful name of love. What I had always wanted was within my sights. My life had found new purpose.

When I turned back, Taine was staring at me curiously. I smiled at him, what I hoped was a strong, assuring smile.

"Rick?"

"Yes, angel?"

"Tell me what you're thinking."

I walked him to the front door, never breaking contact with his beautiful, hurt eyes. As we reached the door, I again took his face in both my hands and kissed his soft, perfect lips.

"I'm thinking that I love you," I told him.

He opened the door, looking out into the night. Before he left, he looked back with a pleading, serious look in his eyes.

"More than anything?" Taine asked.

I smiled then, and it wasn't to reassure him or show strength for him. My smile was filled with all the emotion and compassion and warmth in my heart for the love of my life.

"More than everything," I replied.