Still You Want Me - 10. Chapter 10 - The breakup

* * COLIN * *

I’m standing in front of the mirror and trying to finish getting ready for dinner. It’s not any dinner; it’s the ‘Meet the Parents’ dinner. Charlie doesn’t seem nervous at all, in fact, he’s so beside himself with excitement, he can’t hold still for more than a few seconds. One second, he’s sitting on the bed, then he’s standing next to me, then he’s pacing around the room, sitting, standing, pacing, and so on repeats the loop. The only thing that doesn’t change is the giant grin on his face.

“Stop smiling, it’s making me nervous.”

I don’t know why he’s so happy. I’m almost positive his parents will be disappointed with me, but I’m not about to tell him that. Honestly, I think he enjoys watching me squirm. He knows I’m nervous and I think the whole thing amuses him.

“They’ll love you because I love you. Also, you’re Stanley Clarke’s son, so there’s that.”

That’s one of the things I’m nervous about. I don’t want them to like me because I’m Stanley Clarke’s son. I want them to see me as Colin, Charles’ boyfriend.

Charlie wraps his arms around my waist, presses his cheek to mine, and looks at our reflection in the mirror.

We look good together. Well, he looks good. Fuck, he looks amazing. I on the other hand look kind of geeky. I catch Charlie’s eyes in the mirror and he says.

“You know, I’ve never had a boyfriend to introduce to my parents before. You get to set the bar.”

He lightly kisses my cheek. He’s so sweet and calming.

Okay. I think I can do this.

“I know, but it feels like a lot to handle. You were lucky because you already knew my parents so the pressure wasn’t there for you.”

I hold his hands over my stomach, not allowing him to let go. I need his embrace to anchor me. He looks at me as if I’m insane, which is probably more accurate than I want to admit.

“You can’t be serious. I knew your parents on a social level and I doubt I came off as someone they’d want their perfect son to be with. They knew I was a playboy and I was focused on all of the wrong things. I was terrified they’d be unhappy about us dating. In my head, I knew they’d think I wasn’t good enough for you.”

I can see the trepidation on his face.

“To be honest, I still don’t feel like they approve of me. I’m nervous to see them tonight, even though dinner, a few weeks ago, was great. Let’s face it, my past isn’t pristine and I feel as though I need to constantly prove my self-worth to you and your parents.”

I turn around in his arms so I can see him in person instead of his reflection. Here’s the thing about Charlie—not only is he ridiculously attractive, but there’s something about his beautiful face that magnifies his emotions tenfold.

When he’s happy, he could light a small village. He positively glows. From his singular dimple to the way his blonde hair highlights his masculine jaw, he radiates happiness and joy. When we’re in bed! Well, damn, he can power a city with his looks! His laugh? Oh, man, I love to make him laugh and I love the way he makes me feel.

But not now. When Charlie’s sad—well, I’d move mountains to turn his frown upside down. I cup his face so we’re only inches apart.

“Look at me.”

His sad, blue eyes hesitantly meet mine and his insecurities are bubbling to the surface. It’s hard for me to think of Charlie as a person who has a single sliver of insecurity, but selfishly, I’m glad he does because it makes me feel less of a loser.

“Charlie, your past is in the past and I’m not dwelling on it. I’m quite fond of the guy standing in front of me. We’re still learning about each other, but we’re getting there! I don’t want you to prove anything; I only want you to be authentic. Please, don’t be someone you think I or my parents might want you to be. Be the person you want to be. That’ll make everyone happy.”

I finish straightening his jacket and kiss him while trying to convey something I haven’t yet communicated…love.

Charlie tightens his fingers around my waist and looks deep into my eyes.

“Well, it looks as though we’re both nervous about dinner.”

Something flashes in Charlie the predator’s eyes.

“The only people we need to impress is each other.”

He covers my mouth with his and pushes me against the wall as all of his needs are coming through loud and clear.

He needs me.

I allow him to dominate me for a minute. Well, I don’t have much of a choice since Charlie is incredibly difficult to say no to, not that I usually want to or try to.

We don’t really need to go to dinner.

I love the way Charlie feels under my fingers, how I feel under his, and the way our bodies feel while pressed together. I finally find the willpower to push him off and it’s not as hard as I’d expected. The looming knowledge that I’m meeting his parents cools Junior down pretty quickly.

“We have to leave. I don’t want to get all riled up before meeting your parents. I’m already nervous as fuck. Don’t make it worse.”

I punch his shoulder and walk away.

“Ouch! What the heck? I was only kissing my boyfriend. It was totally innocent.”

Innocent my ass.

I flip him the bird on my way out.

* * *

Mike says.

“I think this is exciting. You guys will be royalty and, together, you’ll easily create an empire.”

I can see the happy visions of the future dancing in his eyes—his son at the head of a billion dollar company. Imagine all of the attention and praise he’ll get.

I’ll bet all of this hypothetical success has given him a solid chub. He might even be half-mast, which makes me think of Charlie because Mike is a fifty-two-year-old version of Charles. He’s the spitting image.

The fact I’m thinking about boning Charlie in twenty-five years has nothing to do with my not knowing how to respond to Mike’s comment. This whole conversation is the reason I didn’t want to date someone from a similar background so I try to downplay his dreams of grandeur.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. I don’t know if I’ll be running the company or if we’ll have the same visions for the future.”

“Nonsense. You’ll take over ClarkeCo and there are lots of ways to expand. I can’t wait to start working together.”

I’m meeting him for the first time and I feel as if he’s trying to strong arm the relationship to favor him. I want Charles to step in and stand in solidarity with me so I look at him, but he only smiles, as a good son does, and stays outside of the conversation. Dad interjects.

“Who knows what the company will look like when, and if, Colin takes over. His passions and visions are a lot different than mine. He doesn’t want to grow up and out. He’d prefer to fine tune or even downsize so he can focus everything on specific areas of his passion, such as helping small businesses and startups.”

That’s my dad for you. He builds a Fortune 500 company and has no qualms about what happens to it once he retires. Everything is temporary in his mind. He’s had a fun run in the business and made billions. If the company goes under tomorrow, he’d only be sad about the loss of jobs and not being able to help other people realize their dreams.

“I, for one, would love to see where Colin decides to take this company, if that’s what it comes down to. He has potential to completely reinvent what ClarkeCo is known for.”

Dad winks at me, conveying so much love and support. I know he always has my back.

“I don’t understand why you’d want to change something as big as ClarkeCo. Like I said, there are things to do that will streamline the company and make it more profitable, but to reinvent it? Why would you want to potentially damage the golden calf?”

Mike straightens his place setting, which is a clear sign of frustration. Charlie fidgets when he’s angry, too.

“A company isn’t only about money, it’s a product of your heart and soul. Dad started the company from a passion he had. If I ever take over, I want to run a company that’s fulfilling a passion I have.”

None of this is really any of his business anyway. If things work out with Charlie and me, the company won't be Mike’s.

I’m growing more frustrated as the night continues. I wanted to meet my boyfriend’s parents, not come to a business meeting. Especially for a business that isn’t mine.

I have no control over ClarkeCo. I’m an associate in the marketing department. I’m nobody. He’s talking about hypothetical situations and then getting frustrated because I’m not living in his future.

“We’ll agree to disagree…for now. Tomorrow, during lunch, I’d like to discuss partnering options and also some very good potential investments.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know there were lunch plans tomorrow. I already have plans.”

I look at Charlie to try to figure out if I missed something? He only shrugs, but I’m not surprised as I’ll bet he follows daddy around like a puppy. He probably let’s him schedule his life anyway dad sees fit. Isn’t that why he works? Because he has to keep daddy happy? Mike’s not leaving room for negotiations.

“I’m sure you can rearrange your plans to make yourself available.”

I feel like I’m walking a fine line between punching him and trying to make him like me. I’m not sure which one I want to do more but I’m leaning towards the punching.

“Sure, it’s a possibility, but I’m not going to do it. I’m sorry, Mr. Gabett, I currently have no stake in ClarkeCo and I’m not interested in talking business on behalf of my dad. You should have lunch with him.”

I bite the inside of my cheek. I’m starting to feel like the seventeen-year-old version of myself—unconfident and nothing more than a stepping stool for another’s personal gain.

“I don’t intend to talk about ClarkeCo tomorrow, I have more personal things I want to discuss—”

Okay. Finally! I want to get to know him personally. A weight is lifted from my shoulders and I realize I may have misjudged him. I’m about to tell him I’ll rearrange my day when he speaks.

“I know you have significant personal wealth.”

What the fuck! Did Charles tell him? I’m so fucking pissed. My personal information isn’t casual dinner conversation. Damnit! I can feel my insides starting to boil.

“I’m worried you’re not investing and growing your money to its fullest potential, I’d like--”

Oh, hell no. I refuse to let this continue. I put my hand up and stop him.

“I’m going to cut you off there.”

I get up and ready myself to leave.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to discuss my personal finances with you or anyone else. I came to dinner to meet my boyfriend’s parents. I’m not going to talk shop, future mergers, or anything business related.”

I look at Charlie to see if he’s coming or staying. I don’t care, either way, I just want to leave, but he follows my lead and says goodbye to his parents. I almost forgot his mother is here. She’s been mostly mute all evening because she hasn’t been given a chance to speak.

I walk to my parents, give them both a hug and my mother asks.

“Are we still on for dinner tomorrow?”

I lean in and whisper.

“Is it only us?”

She assures me it is and we leave our parents in the restaurant to finish the evening together.

* * *

As he opens the passenger door for me, Charles says with a smile.

“My dad likes you.”

I wait for him to walk around and get in the other side before I grit my teeth and try not to speak too negatively about his dad.

“You mean he likes my money and my family. Honestly, I haven’t felt so insulted in years. This was the most humiliating evening of my life.”

“What are you talking about? I thought everything went great.”

He puts the key into the ignition, but doesn’t start the car. Instead, he turns and looks at me. My stomach feels tight. It hurts that, after all of these months, he doesn’t know me.

“Really, Charles? I don’t know how to respond. Do you think I wanted to meet your dad so we could talk about business, investments, and empire expansions?”

There was no hiding the hurt in my eyes.

“Of course not, but that’s normal life with my dad. I guess I assumed you’d expected it.”

Charlie’s face drops. He was so happy when we got into the car and now he’s full of regret and remorse. We sit in silence as Charlie starts the car and leaves the parking lot.

My emotions are mixed. I’m angry, upset, frustrated, and hurt. Dinner blindsided me in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

“I’m so sorry, Colin. I became lost in what’s normal for me. I should’ve stopped my dad at the beginning. I should’ve said something. This is going to take time for me to get used to, but I’m working on it.”

I don’t respond right away. I don’t want to say anything irrational because I’m upset, but I feel myself losing the battle.

“I know. I hate the feeling of your dad being happy we’re together because of money and business. He wants us to be a legacy and I worry that’s how you may feel, also.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. I fell in love with you before that part of your life was known. I don’t care about any of that.”

Charles is nervously drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He’s trying to coax something out or, maybe, keep something in.

“Colin, I need you to remember something. I respect you and your desire to reject this social norm, but this is the life I’m used to and I don’t hate it like you do. I’m not asking you to take part in it, but it is part of my life, too. I’m going to socialize, use connections, and work mutually beneficial relationships. Sometimes, you make me feel really crappy about it. You make me feel like a terrible person.”

I take a deep breath. I know he has a valid point.

“No, you’re right. I’ve probably pushed my expectations onto you. I’ll try to remember your life looks different in this aspect and this will be something you do. I don’t want to ever feel like a pawn though, especially from you.”

Charles reaches over and squeezes my hand. I like Charlie—no, I love him, but I never imagined this issue would be part of my life. I thought I was escaping it.

As I watch Charlie drive, I feel conflicted inside. Here’s this beautiful man who has a tight hold on my heart. When we’re together, I feel complete and happy. It’s a feeling that so many people search their whole lives for and I have it.

There’s the other part of me that never wants to be with someone who comes from money. Someone who’s affiliated with the high society, social circle. I hate how I feel knowing Charlie likes this part of his life.

A fear rises within me. I might never have the normal life I want so badly. Charlie will never be happy on the outside and I’ll never be happy trapped on the inside. Is this something I’d be okay with? I don’t know. I’ve worked so hard to build a protective barrier into my life that allows me to be happy.

I don’t know if it’s this revelation alone or the horrid evening that’s taken place, but I’m not feeling very optimistic about our future. Charlie asks.

“What’s going on in your head? Not only do you feel far away, but you’re radiating negativity.”

I don’t want to tell him the truth, but I also don’t want to lie to him. If there’s any hope for our future, it’s going to be a product of open and honest communication.

“I’m sorry. Before dinner, I was feeling so hopeful and happy, but suddenly, I’ve become worried. I’ve worked so hard for a simple kind of life. How can we both have what we want? How can you have the life you’ve grown to love when it’s the same life I’ve worked so hard to escape? We’d have to live completely separate lives. I feel like I’ve invited trouble in because our lifestyles are too different.”

As I lean my head against the window, any trace of optimism I may have had is dissipating with each passing street light.

 

* * CHARLES * *

Fuck! Where did this come from?

I didn’t think dinner was that bad. I mean, I could tell Colin was getting frustrated, but he knows this is the reality of our life. These kinds of dinners are unavoidable. This is my dad, there’s no escaping my dad. Regardless, if I agree with him or not, I can’t change him.

To grab Colin’s attention, I squeeze his hand and I sternly say.

“Hey! Look at me. I know dinner didn’t go the way you planned, but that doesn’t mean anything. We can have any future we want and I want a future with you.”

I squeeze his hand again for support.

“I know. Me, too, but would you be okay having a life without the monetary benefits?”

I’m pretty sure I know what he’s asking, but I want to fully understand what he’s implying before answering because we’re already treading in choppy water.

“What do you mean?”

“Would you be okay with: living in my apartment and not having a new car every year? Not going to all of the social events? Not throwing your name around? Not living like you have millions? That kind of thing?”

“To a certain extent, but I can’t completely answer that right now because we’re not at that point, but yes, there’s a lot of stuff I’d be okay with.”

I’ve already changed so much because of Colin and for Colin, but not in a bad way. I love him and he’s shown me a happiness I’ve never known, but I’m not willing to be the one to give up everything, there’s no compromise for that. I don’t feel we have to pick one or the other because, I think, there has to be a blend that’ll work for both of us. Compromise is what relationships are based on.

“We don’t have to be at the point of living together to know what we’re willing to give up or what we have no intentions of changing. I can tell you, right now, that I have zero desire to change my life. I have worked hard for the anonymity I have. I don’t want to change that. Not even for you.”

“I’m not asking you to change.”

I didn’t mean to yell, but I feel as if I’m fighting for something I wasn’t in danger of losing a few hours ago. It’s as if everything we had is gone and he’s given up and there’s nothing I can say or do.

“If anything, I’m the one who’s been changing. I don’t go out nearly as much as I used to and I’ve passed on a lot of big events that I would have benefited from. The thought of building relationships that don’t involve you doesn’t have the same appeal they had a year ago.”

It’s true, my whole life has been transformed because of Colin. The things I think about now have to do with Colin and me. Where we’re going to sleep, how I’m going to hold him, the way he looks when he’s brushing his teeth, how efficient he is at laundry, and the fact he changes his bed sheets, without a maid, at least once a week, but more often now that we’re constantly making them dirty.

“Okay, but what happens a year from now when the newness wears off and real life comes knocking on the door? Will you be okay with never being able to introduce me at events and only being together outside the life you grew up in?”

His whole body’s limp in his seat, it’s almost as if he’s given up entirely.

I hope not.

I pull into the garage and turn to him.

“Baby, I can’t sit here and tell you the future. I don’t know what next month holds or next year. I’ve never loved anyone before, but I love you and that means something to me. I’m not going to change who I am for you, but I can say you’ve changed who I want to be. I feel as if you’re trying to make a decision that doesn’t need to be made, yet. Can we go inside, go to bed, and try tomorrow after a full night’s sleep?”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

He silently unbuckles and walks into the house. It’s hard not to sit here and over analyze what’s happened or what’s potentially happening. I waited so long for him to be mine and now I feel him slipping away.

I respect Colin more than anyone else. He has integrity, he’s respectful, funny, kind, and humble...just to name a few. I wouldn’t ask him to change anything, but I don’t want to live separate lives, either. I never imagined my family background and money would be a catastrophic issue to the most important relationship I’ve ever had.

Surely, Colin understands he can’t totally escape the thing he hates. He’s admitted he can't! Where’s the happy medium?

We both get ready for bed in silence, other than only a handful of words spoken. I crawl into bed and need to desperately break the awkward silence and close the distance, physically and emotionally, between us so I ask.

“Did you say you had plans for tomorrow?”

He fluffs his pillow and takes a minute to get comfortable.

“I found roof racks for the Outback and I’m supposed to meet the guy around twelve thirty in the afternoon. Then, dinner with my parents. I really need to talk to them about tonight. They understand me and I need their encouragement.”

Ouch! I take a deep breath. I know he’s upset and probably doesn't mean anything by it, but regardless of the sting, I’m feeling beaten by his comment and I respond with a timid voice.

“I understand you, too, you know. You’re not exactly a stranger to me.”

“I know you try, but I don’t know that you actually understand. My parents really get me in a way you don’t, at least, not yet.”

I don’t know what to say so I offer a neutral answer.

“Maybe.”

Maybe my ass! I know Colin very well. I know him enough to know I’m not going to argue about it. He can pout all he wants, but he can’t tell me I don’t get him.

“Am I going with you to your parents?”

“Of course.”

He moves closer, not snuggling against me as usual, but closing the distance anyway.

“Okay, good. I’d like that. I want to be a part of the conversation with your parents and I want to know you better so I’ll be able to support you better.”

I curl myself against his side and move his face so he’s looking at me.

“I love you. I really mean it.”

I kiss him. It’s not passionate or explosive, but enough to convey my love. I know he hasn’t said it back to me, yet, and I’d like to say I’m okay with it, but it hurts. I know he and Jesse dated for a couple of months before they said it to each other, but Colin told me how much he loved Jesse after six weeks.

It’s hard not to compare. I’m always comparing and failing to live up to Jesse’s level. Plus the fact that Colin apparently hates my life. I can’t change who I am or how I grew up any more than he can.

* * *

I wake up earlier than normal, probably due to the stress of last night weighing too heavily on my mind, and lie here as I stare at Colin’s sleeping figure. I haven’t looked at the time, but the sky is still dark. The moonlight is giving off only enough light for me to see his silhouette, but my memory fills in the blanks.

He’s sleeping on his stomach with one knee pulled up, his pillow is pushed out of the way, and the sheets are, once again, bunched at his hips. This is a typical sleep position of Colin’s that I’ve become very familiar with.

The soft glow of the moon bounces off of his skin and is highlighting all of his curves and dips.

I prop myself up and run my finger down his spine to the cleft of his perfect butt. I know, for a fact, he went to bed wearing underwear, but he must’ve lost them during the night. I can’t help myself as I run my open hand over his mounds and I feel something deep within me shudder.

He doesn’t see how perfect he is. My body responds to the flesh beneath my fingers and I try to put the thoughts away because they’re not what I want to focus on. I only want to savor this perfect moment.

The calm before the storm.

I continue to tour his body with my hand. My fingers feel the smooth and soft surface of the man I love so deeply.

Again, I return my focus to his waist and butt, to the dimples between, and the perfect cleft that breaks and leads to his sweet rosebud. I pepper his body with soft kisses because I need to taste and touch all of him.

I’m lost in the moment of silently worshiping his body when I feel small movements followed by a barely audible moan. I know this moan—it’s Colin’s arousal. I smile.

I once again try to cast my inappropriate thoughts to the side, but my body’s not listening anymore, it’s waited long enough. His noises are calling me home.

My hand continues to trace the crack of his ass, but never breaking deeper than the soft, supple, outer mounds. I reach for the lube with my other hand and warm a small amount on my fingers.

His body’s shifting under my fingers, which silently encourages me.

His body pushes back against me as I slip my finger deeper between his butt cheeks, until I reach his entrance and then I push through, to give his unconscious mind what it’s begging for. I take my time as I slowly work him until I’m three fingers deep inside of Colin’s perfect, tight ass.

I hear him mumbling words, but nothing he’s saying is coherent. I don’t think he’s awake. His body’s awake to my touch, but his mind assumes he’s in a dream state and he refuses to wake up from this fantasy.

I warm more lube and generously apply it to both of us before I hover over his body, gently lift his hips, and place his discarded pillow underneath him. I gently spread his cheeks and slowly slide myself inside of him until I’m completely seated. I can hear Colin let out a long, deep groan as his body trembles under my invasion. I whisper in his ear.

“Good morning.”

He moans with approval.

“Mm-hmm.”

While I keep our bodies flush, to keep myself deep inside of him, I start moving and continue whispering into his ear.

“I love you.”

I lick his ear.

“God, you’re perfect.”

I’m so turned on, I start grinding harder as his moans increase. Colin grips the sheets as he tries to grind his erection into the bed. His mumbles are soft, yet deep from sleep, and demanding from need, but coherent enough for me to hear and understand.

“Oh, god. I need friction. It feels so good. Harder. Please, Charlie, deeper.”

I pick up my pace and forcefully pound him deeper into the mattress. He changes the angle of my penetration by arching his ass up higher.

“Harder. I’m so close. I need more.”

He pushes his ass against me as I hook my arms under his armpits, to brace his shoulders, and press my head against the base of his neck. I continue to pound as sweat starts to gather between us and I can feel his ass muscles constricting around my hard cock which tells me he’s getting closer.

My body’s humming and I can feel my orgasm starting in my toes. I reach under Colin, grab his aching hard-on, and it only takes a few tugs before he starts releasing cum onto the sheets. His asshole tightly grips my cock and I manage a few more thrusts before his screams of pleasure send me over the edge and I follow him into the endless valley of pleasure. I gently lie on him and I can feel his body pulsing underneath mine as he mumbles.

He sounds half asleep, but I’m sure his body’s returning to a sated state of relaxation.

“It’s so rare that the reality is better than the dream.”

I lie beside him, kiss his shoulders and neck, and enjoy the closeness, but I’m needing more. I gently nudge him to roll over and he groans in protest. I doubt he wants to move from his perfect state of bliss. I know I don’t.

There’s an intimacy I love when we have sex like this. I can’t see his face, but our bodies are connecting at every point and I love it, but I need to see him. I need to see his eyes and know he’s okay and that we’re okay so I softy tease him.

“I know. I’m sorry for waking you up, baby.”

He turns onto his side to face me.

“Yeah, you’re a real meanie.”

He slowly opens his eyes and looks at me. It’s my first look of the day at those beautiful hazel eyes I love so much. I love his morning eyes, full of sleep and innocence.

I lean forward to take his lips and feel them part for me before our tongues dance together in unison. We stay like this for a while to enjoy the closeness of each other.

I’m feeling very needy and I don’t like it. I need sex, I need his eyes, I need his kisses, I need his presence, and most of all…I need him! But I don’t feel I can tell him any of this because I don’t understand why I’m having these sudden and overwhelming feelings.

Actually, I do. It’s fear. The fear of everything we have is going to disappear.

Much to my objection we pull apart.

“How are you feeling this morning, Colin?”

I touch my nose to his and watch my question stir in his mind.

“Better, I guess. I’m not nearly as pessimistic as last night.”

He kisses my neck and settles close to my body.

“Good.”

I gently rub my hand up and down his back as his breathing steadies. The sun’s barely starting to come up. It’s still early so we fall back asleep wrapped around each other.

 

* * COLIN * *

 

“It was in terrible shape and I’m really bummed! I want to hit the mountain, soon, but I need a roof rack for my car because I don’t want to ruin my seats with snow melt.”

I was supposed to get a roof rack from a Craigslist ad. It wasn’t as advertised and several brackets were broken.

Dad empathizes.

“That’s frustrating. Hopefully something else will pop up, soon.”

Mom suggests.

“Why not buy it new?”

“No.”

“You’re so weird about this stuff. We can never buy you anything. I don’t understand your strong feelings about this and it’s rather annoying.”

“Speaking of things you have strong feelings about...how are you feeling after dinner last night?”

I knew Dad would eventually bring that up. Charlie gives my parents a look that tells them, not good.

“Dad, that’s a stupid question. Obviously, I wasn’t happy.”

“Oh, stop. You know what I mean.”

He rolls his eyes and leans his back toward mom. Charlie relays very matter-of-factly.

“It didn’t go well. He was angry at my dad and rightfully so. Then the rest of the evening was spent trying to convince him our relationship isn’t doomed to crash and burn, it really dampened our evening significantly.”

“Whatever. You didn’t exactly step in and ward off your dad. In fact, you seemed happy with everything your dad was saying.”

Oh great, we’re going to fight in front of my parents. Fuck. Pulling up his knees and curling up on the couch, Charlie says.

“No. I already told you I’m used to the way my dad is. Last night’s conversation was his habit. I already apologized and promised I’d say something next time.”

The tension between us is thick. At least, it feels that way to me. All of the frustration from last night is creeping back in. Seeing what’s about to happen, dad quickly jumps in.

“Whoa, boys. Stan, you need to stop…right now! Don’t let this come between you two. This is a learning curve in your relationship and it won’t be the last time you’re both in a similar situation.”

Isn’t that the whole point? This is exactly what I’m afraid of.

“You need to talk and communicate through this. I know enough about both of you to know this is going to be a big deal, but it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It’ll all depend on how you handle this. Charles is right, though, that’s how Mike works. There’s nothing Charles could’ve done.”

“I know, but that’s part of the problem and that’s why I’m so frustrated. If Charlie wasn’t a Gabett, then his parents would’ve been more interested in me as a person and not me as a Clarke. This is exactly the thing I never wanted! This was never supposed to be an issue for me. I know I’ll probably eventually have to do it for the business, but not in my personal relationship. That’s supposed to be my safe place.”

Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! The truth doesn’t always set you free. The look on Charlie’s face is total devastation and I’m instantly filled with regret. I apologize.

“Oh, God. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it. It came out wrong.”

Charlie’s sitting silently on the couch. He’s turned away from me and is staring out of the window and looking at anything—as long as it’s not me. His eyes are blank as he blocks out all his emotion.

The look on my parents’ faces isn’t much better.

Oh, boy! You’ve gone and fucked shit up.

This is not the boy I raised. Shame on you. Fix this, now.

“I think this is a good time to let you two talk.”

My parents are anxious to leave and start to get up, but Charlie motions for them to sit as he gets up.

“No. You two stay, please. I’ll leave you three to talk, there’s not much conversation for me, here.”

He looks at me for a moment. There’s no light in those hollow, blue eyes. I say.

“No, you should stay.”

“No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have come and we both know it. I’m going to sit outside for a while and let you guys have some time together.”

Before I can protest, he disappears downstairs. I’m sitting with my parents, in silence. I can feel their stares penetrating my very soul. I don’t dare look at them, but I finally break the silence. I don’t know where I intend the conversation to go, but I know I need the silence to end before it kills me.

“I know. I shouldn’t have spoken so hastily.”

Duh.

I finally look at my parents and I was right—they’re both staring at me. I know mom won’t say anything because she’s too angry, but my dad, on the other hand, looks annoyed so I know he will.

“Don’t hold back now, son. Tell us how you really feel! What on God’s green earth compelled you to speak like that?”

I slap my palm against my forehead and look up.

“I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it or maybe I should’ve said it differently, but it’s how I feel. I was so angry at dinner. As I said, this is everything I never wanted, especially not when meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the first time or ever.”

My dad says.

“I understand you and I understand why dinner was difficult for you. You handled yourself great, by the way! You were kind, yet firm. You have the ability to shut down those conversations on your own. You didn’t need my help last night and you didn’t need Charles’ help, either.”

He moves away from mom and sits next to me.

“Why are you angry with Charles?”

Because!

“He likes that kind of thing. He likes the wheeling and dealing, the schmoozing, the rubbing of elbows, the social jungle gym—all of it. And he didn’t defend me last night, he just let his dad do whatever he wanted.”

“Charles does all of this stuff to you? He forces you to participate? Okay, I understand now. That would be hard.”

Dad’s blue eyes are full of sympathy and compassion.

“No. He doesn’t exactly involve me in it, but it’ll always be a part of my life as long as he’s a part of my life.”

He doesn’t reply right away, but studies me in the terrifying way only parents can. His eyes are holding a thousand apologies.

“I don’t know, Colin. I think you’re way off point, which is strange because normally, you’re very intentional, thoughtful, and thorough about everything you do. I get jealous, sometimes. You have a gift! But you’re a stinking idiot when it comes to Charles.”

He squeezes my shoulder to comfort and brace me.

“You’re angry with Charles because he didn’t defend you? Against what?! You didn’t need help. Mike is who he is. Actually, he was very easy last night. That might not seem like good news, but it’s true! He’ll always talk business. That’s who he is. Charles has never done that, at least, not in this house.”

He moves his face toward me to let me know his next words are important and I need to listen closely.

“Charles is not his dad. I know how disappointing dinner was for you, but it wasn’t Charles’ fault. You get to choose who you’re in a relationship with, you get to choose who you love, but you don’t get to choose the family that comes with that person. Charles was raised the way he was raised and you were raised the way you were raised. He’s been respectful of you, he hasn’t pressured you, and he hasn’t forced you to do anything you don’t want to do. If anything, he’s been bending in your direction. He’s changed, a lot, since he’s known you.”

Mom stands up and interrupts dad before storming downstairs.

“And, yet, you’re the one who’s being a self-centered, hypocritical ass!”

Dad shrugs and says.

“She’s not wrong.”

 

* * CHARLES * *

“February is cold so I brought you a blanket.”

Angie sits next to me on the deck swing that overlooks Portland. It’s beautiful bug freezing cold, but I couldn’t go back in so I’m suffering in silence. I smile, but I don’t look away from the view. I don’t know if I can look at her because I’m so embarrassed.

“Thank you. It is pretty cold out.”

“My son’s a real piece of work, isn’t he?”

I wave her off.

“No, he’s great. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Nope. No big deal. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Yeah, right.

“You don’t have to defend him. I was there and he was a real prick.”

She covers us with the blanket and puts her hand on my leg in a motherly and supportive way.

“I’m not, I don’t think. I understand what he’s saying and I know there’s a big issue here...for him anyway. I can’t change who I am so I think we’re at an impasse.”

It’s no big deal, we’re at an impasse is all. So what if we breakup? Spff.

“You know, my Stan doesn’t think clearly around you. Love has his brain firing on all of the wrong cylinders.”

“I don’t know.”

I pause, not sure how to continue.

“He doesn’t love me so that might be part of the problem.”

Silence weighs heavy over us. There’s so much to look at, which is great because I have so little to say. Angie’s sigh cuts through the air.

“Do you really believe that?”

“I didn’t, but now? Yeah, I think I do.”

Maybe it’s always been my hopeful side reading into things that weren’t there. She frowns.

“Well, that’s too bad. Do you think you can give him anymore time?”

“Yes? No? I don’t know. I want to give him all of the time in the world, but I also don’t deserve to feel this way. He has some illusion that I don’t respect him, but he’s the one that doesn’t respect me.”

I lean my head back and give the swing a little momentum by pushing off from the ground.

“That’s not true. I do respect you.”

Angie and I turn to see Colin standing at the French doors. I quickly return my gaze to the city skyline because I still can’t look at him.

“I’m going to see what your dad’s doing. I imagine he needs me...for something.”

I use my foot to stop the swing so she can get up and Angie gives my knee a gentle pat before she disappears into the house.

“Can I sit?”

I shrug indifferently to the question, wave my hand to indicate it’s available, and I keep my eyes on the river that divides Portland in half as Colin sits down and covers himself with the heavy blanket.

“It’s freezing out here.”

I can see movement under the blanket as he warms his hands and he cautiously smiles.

“You’ve been out here for a while, do you want me to warm you up?”

I snap.

“Don’t! Just say what you came to say.”

I want to get this over with. Between last night and today, Colin has made his intentions crystal clear. He leans his head back with frustration.

“God, you’re right. Mom’s right, too. I’m a fucking hypocrite!”

I don’t bother denying it because I’m not in the mood to stroke his ego.

“How deep did I dig myself?”

“I don’t think I can answer that question, Colin. You dug your own metaphorical hole, you’re the one standing in it, and you’re the one who can’t seem to get out. It’s your hole so it’s your problem.”

“Fair enough.”

He rearranges himself under the blanket and, after finding a comfortable spot, turns his head and looks at me.

“How mad are you?”

Still looking out over Portland, I answer.

“I don’t know. I’m not mad, but I’m not going to relive this conversation, situation, issue, or whatever you want to call it, over and over. I love you and completely respect you for who you are. I have never asked you to be anything other than you, but none of that has been reciprocated.”

“That’s not true. I respect you.”

I shout.

“No, you don’t! You only respect me when I’m doing things the way you want. You respect who you want me to be, not who I actually am. Every time the rich, trust fund, business heir, socially elite part of me comes out, you—”

I stop talking because I can’t say it so I stare into nothing. I don’t know how long the silence has been stretching out for before I whisper.

“You reject me. Every time.”

I feel my heart break as I say it out loud. It makes it real and solidified. It’s the truth. I lift the blanket off of my lap and get up.

“I think I’m going to leave.”

As fear fills his hazel eyes, he yells.

“What are you doing? You’re not going to walk out? We’re going to figure this out, together!”

“Colin! There is no us figuring anything out. We both know what I want and where I stand. You’re the one in a hole that you dug in your mind.”

I dig my finger into my temple, hoping to drive my point home, and then I start toward the stairs, leaving him outside.

“Charlie, stop! Fuck.”

Now that we’re in the house, he’s not shouting. I don’t think he wants his parents to hear. I walk through the living room and spot them sitting on the couch together. The looks on their faces makes it obvious they’ve either been listening to us or talking about us…or both.

“Thank you both for a lovely evening. I’m going to take off. I’ll see you both, soon.”

Hopefully not too soon after this disaster. I give both of them a hug and walk toward the door, but Colin grabs my elbow before I have a chance to open it and quietly yells, with a demanding tone, into my ear.

“Charlie!”

I pull away and open the door to leave as he shouts loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Don’t leave. I love you!”

I stop dead in my tracks and turn around. I can’t believe my ears. I feel the anger rising within me.

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you fucking dare!”

My fists are clenched at my sides and my chest is heaving with emotion.

Colin must realize what he just said because his eyes are practically popping out of his head. His parents are sharing a similar shocked expression.

“You go on and on about how rich people or Trust Fund Babies are so fake and they only look out for their own best interest. Do you think you’re better than that, little rich boy? Fuck you, Colin! You only told me you loved me because you thought it would stop me from walking out. If that’s not selfish, then I don’t know what is. You’re no better than any other rich, selfish person out there. You spend all of your time convincing yourself that you’re better than all of the rich people you hate. You think driving an old car and packing lunches every day somehow means you’re not selfish and you’re not a total douchebag. Money doesn’t make you a fucking jerk, Colin! Dropping the L word to manipulate your boyfriend because you messed up and you think it will save the day—that makes you a fucking, hypocritical, douchebag and a coward! You can never take that back. Fuck! I love you, but I deserve so much better than this.”

He’s frozen in place as he’s completely blindsided by my words and reaction.

“Colin, this is why I didn’t want to jump into a relationship with you. This is why I told you to take your time and figure your shit out. This is what I did not want to happen!”

I open the front door and glance at his parents, whose expressions I can’t read, and then I look at Colin, who looks as though he’s going to be sick.

“You don’t respect me. How can you love me?”

 

* * COLIN * *

I stare at the door.

That didn’t go as planned. Fucking dammit.

As mom storms off to the kitchen, she says.

“Money can buy the best education, but it sure doesn’t make you smart.”

She’s not fucking wrong. Maybe I enjoyed gas fumes too much as a child! I don’t know, but I’m fucking stupid as fuck!

I grab my jacket and phone and realize Charlie’s phone is sitting next to mine.

“I’m going to go after him. I need to fix this.”

Dad walks over to me.

“No, that’s a terrible idea. The only thing you’ve accomplished today is proving you’re capable of doing all of the wrong things. If you leave, you’re going to make things worse.”

He pulls the jacket and phones from my hands, sets them down, and gently pulls my elbow toward him.

“Come sit down in the kitchen.”

I grab Charlie’s phone and desperately walk toward the door.

“But he left his phone. I need to get his phone back to him.”

“Let me do it. I’ll take him the phone and I’ll make sure he gets home.”

Before I can protest, dad plucks the phone from my hand and shuts the door behind himself.

* * *

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we say stupid-ass shit.”

Mom looks up from the stove and innocently smiles.

“That’s not very helpful, Mom. I blame you. You clearly made me stupid.”

I slump down on the bar chair.

“I do love him, you know.”

“You do? Huh! That’s weird because you have a very funny way of showing it.”

Sometimes, I hate my mom’s witty and sarcastic side.

“I know. I hate relationships.”

I lay my head on my folded arms in defeat and she walks over and rubs my back.

“It gets better. I promise. You need to get right with yourself, first. Charles is a great guy, but you need to love all of him or none of him.”

She gently pats my back then walks back to the sink. I mumble into my arms.

“I do. I love everything about him.”

“No, he’s right. There’s a big part of him that you’re not okay with. If you can’t accept it, then you can’t accept him. It’s not fair to keep stringing him along like this. It’s so disrespectful. So, do what he asked. Figure out your shit, even if it takes a few weeks, a month, or longer.”

She holds out a towel so I can dry the pans.

“A few weeks? A month? Longer?! No way. I don’t want to go that long without him.”

“If it takes that long, then so be it. Colin, if you rush back in, before you’re one hundred percent sure, then you’re going to end up right back where you are now, or worse. I promise, he won’t continue to put up with this. Those cocky rich boys know their self-worth.”

I look at her, surprised by her words, to find an evil grin on her face. Leave it to my mom.

“Why’d you do it?”

“Huh?” I ask, confused.

“Why’d you wait until now to tell him you love him?”

“Ugh. I don’t know. I hadn’t said it because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve been nervous that despite my feelings for him, it wasn’t gonna work out. We’re just too different. What happens when the honeymoon phase is over and he wants to drag me to all the things I despise? It would be easier to walk away from the relationship if my heart wasn’t in it. I felt like I was going to die after Jesse let and yet, I feel for him a fraction of what I feel for Charlie. I only told Charlie just now because the fear of losing him was overwhelming. I wasn’t thinking.”

* * *

I don’t have obsessive-compulsive disorder, but when I’m upset—I clean. So, here I am, on a Sunday night, sitting in my perfectly clean apartment. Fresh bed sheets, vacuumed, mopped, dusted, laundry, dishes, wiped my cupboards, the whole shebang. I’m not tired, yet, but I have nothing left to do. That leaves me here thinking about Charlie and debating about whether or not I should text him.

Maybe I can see if he got home okay or apologize, again, for everything. I don’t know, but I hate not being able to talk to him. I guess I should probably tell him I’m going to take his advice and ‘figure my shit out’. I love Charlie so much. I want to get over this obstacle so we can be happy.

[Colin] I hope you got home okay and I’m sorry for everything. I’m going to take your advice and work out my issues because I don’t want to lose you. I love you!

Ugh. Delete.

[Colin] Hey!

Send.

I know he’s responding because I can see the indicator cursor that says he’s typing. I’m stupidly nervous. Come on, man, I’m twenty-six! I’m definitely too old to be affected like this.

Five minutes and a few grey hairs later...

[Charles] Hey.

Really? That’s it? Ugh.

[Colin] I just want to make sure you got home okay.

[Charles] Perfect. Thanks.

[Colin] I’m really sorry. I hope you know that I do love you.

[Charles] WTF, Colin. Via text? Fuck, Off!

[Colin] I’m sorry. That was lame! I’m taking your advice and figuring out my issues.

[Charles] *thumbs up emoji*

Bleh. I set down my phone. That was not the reaction I was hoping for. I thought maybe he’d be his normal and encouraging self, but no such dice. Maybe I shouldn’t have texted him. It’s the coward’s way and now I regret it. I lightly pound my head against the table.

************

It’s been three weeks since that disaster of a weekend. Charles hasn’t ignored me, but he hasn’t gone out of his way to hang-out with me, either. No lunches, no sleepovers, no gym…nothing like that. We’ve talked about work and generic stuff, but not about anything significant. I don’t think we’re broken up, but it kinda feels like it. I mean, I’ve definitely been friend-zoned and I don’t understand why. Who am I kidding! I’d have friend-zoned me, too, if I were him. Figuring out my shit is taking way longer than I expected. I thought it might be a few days or a week but there still this nagging worry in the back of my mind.

I haven’t been to the gym since everything went down. I only started because of Charlie, but I decide to go because I really need to blow off some steam. When I’m not working, I’m thinking about Charlie and when I’m not thinking about Charlie...well, I don’t know because I’ve been thinking about him nonstop and it's stressing me out!

I walk into the gym and I’m surprised to see Charlie’s there and working out. I assumed, since we weren’t working out together, neither of us were coming.

You know what they say about assuming—I make a fucking ass out of myself.

“Oh, hey. I didn’t know you’d be here.”

I’m so fucking articulate, like William Shakespeare. Charlie raises a brow.

“Oh, yeah? I’ve worked out most days of the week for the last ten years, so...”

He continues to adjust his weights. An idea pops in my head, that maybe we could workout together.

“Do you need a—”

I see Shorty, the guy from before we started dating, coming out of the restroom and walking toward Charlie with a smug smile and he says.

“Sorry I took so long. Are you ready to start?”

“Perfect timing,” Charlie lies down on the bench and Shorty McTooHandsy positions himself to spot him.

What. The. Fuck?

I’m standing here looking like an idiot. I don’t know what to do. I know I definitely don’t want Charlie to work out with this guy or any other guy, for that matter. Charlie’s wearing my gym shirt, the one that shows off his entire body. For Shorty? Fuck no! I wave off Shorty McLoser.

“I can spot him.”

He looks at me as if there’s not a chance in hell he’ll be walking away from Charlie. I’m aware of his intentions. He’s planning to plant himself between Charlie and me. He smiles, insincerely, and says.

“It’s okay. I’ve been doing it all week so I’ll happily manage.”

All week? They’ve been working out together all week?

He’s fucking evil and I hate him. I look at Charlie, who’s pretending not see me, and respond.

“Oh, yeah? I’m sure that’s been very helpful, but I’m here now, so I’ve got it.”

I give him my most over the top smile with a look I hope will convey his need to get the fuck away, when Charlie intercedes.

“Colin, it’s fine. He’s got it.”

Shorty McSmugly looks at me and winks.

I’m going to kill him.

Hoping to lighten the mood, I joke.

“You can’t deny your husband.”

He grunts as he pushes his last rep and racks the bar.

“Well, your days of cherry picking are over, Colin. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”

“I was unaware my cake was up for grabs.”

“Oh? Well, I didn’t realize you get to put your cake in a Tupperware container, while you figure out if it’s good enough for you to eat or not, then expect it to be there when you finally decide. Other people like cake, too, you know.”

Shorty McToothdecay smiles at Charlie then licks his lips as if he can’t get enough and says.

“I love cake!”

I narrow my eyes and growl.

“Are you fucking for real?”

Shorty raises his hands in surrender and walks away. My rage alone would give me enough power to kill him instantly and I know he knows it. I return my attention to Charlie. I’m frustrated. I thought he wanted me to take my time to figure this out. Now I find out he’s not willing to wait!

“What the fuck dude. It’s barely been three weeks. I didn’t realize I was on a time crunch.”

“It’s barely been three weeks?! You’ve had since November! That’s when we first talked about our feelings. It’s March, now, that’s over four months.”

He stops working out at this point and gives me all of his angry attention.

“You can take all of the time you need to figure it out. I’m not going to pressure you or put you on a time crunch. I love you enough to do that.”

He gets off of the weight bench and walks toward me. Sadness, frustration, longing, anger, and impatience all play across his face.

“Colin, I’ve already given you time to figure it out, when I was willing to wait, but you’ve decided not to take it seriously and rush it. Now, you’re on your own time.”

He turns his attention to Shorty McGymslut and says.

“I think I’m done working out for tonight.”

“Sure, no problem. Are we still on for tomorrow?”

He anxiously bites his lip while waiting for Charlie’s response and is clearly hoping for a yes.

“Most likely. I have a few things to do so I’ll let you know.”

Charlie grabs his stuff and walks to the locker room. I stand here, dumbfounded, and feeling as though everything is crumbling around me and I’m helpless to stop it. I look up and see Shorty’s reflection on the wall of mirrors as he’s programming the treadmill.

Charlie has a date tomorrow? What in the actual fuck is happening right now?

 

* * CHARLES * *

It’s taken all of the energy I’ve had these last few weeks to maintain a proper relationship with Colin without having some sort of psychotic breakdown. I don’t know how I feel or, more accurately, if I’m feeling much at all. I’m angry because he’s an idiot, sad because he doesn't feel the same toward me as I do him, and hurt because it’s been three weeks and he still doesn’t know if he can be with me! Those are only the top three, but I can continue adding to the list.

Then there’s the other side of me that’s over this whole thing and simply wants to walk away.

I let the shower beat down onto my face and chest while I replay my most recent encounter with Colin. I can’t believe he’s angry because I’m working out with Lukas.

It’s only been three weeks, he says.

It’s been three, damn weeks! He’s so incredibly selfish. Does he really expect me to stand around and wait, for some unknown length of time, until he figures things out? It’s been almost a year since we’ve met and I’ve known I wanted him. I shake my head.

I love him, I really do, but I’m not going to ruin myself for him. I’ve been a fucking saint for almost a year, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him. I have to face the fact that I’m definitely not enough for him and it really sucks.

I finish my shower, get dressed, and Lukas stops me before I leave the gym.

“Will you call me tomorrow? I hope you can make it.”

“Definitely. Have a goodnight, Lukas.”

I smile and he smiles back. Lukas is nice enough, but he’s not my type at all. He’s an excellent gym buddy, though.

His friend has an art show at a big gallery in town and Lukas invited me to check it out with him, but I don’t plan to go. I don’t want to give Lukas the wrong impression and going to a gallery to meet his friends would be a very bad move. I walk outside and discover Colin is waiting for me.

“Hey.”

I wish he’d leave me completely alone or get over his shit and accept me one hundred percent.

“What do you want, Colin?”

“Can we talk? You can come back to the apartment and we can have dinner.”

I’ll be helpless against any advancement he might make. I know I’ll end up regretting it because he’s still not ready and I doubt he ever will be.

I’m everything he never wanted.

Ouch, the memory stings like alcohol on a cut.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Colin.”

“I only want to talk for a minute.”

“Okay. We can talk here. What’s up?”

Colin looks around. It’s definitely not an ideal place to talk, but I don’t care.

“Can we, at least, go sit on the stairs over there instead of standing in the street?”

We walk half of a block to a large, outdoor, adult park? I don’t know, but it has a bunch of giant steps that people can sit on and hang-out. There’s a small Starbucks and sometimes, like tonight, there’s a live band playing. As we sit down at a semi-remote spot, he asks.

“So, are we not together anymore?”

I shrug.

“I don’t know. I guess we’re not.”

We haven't really discussed it, but after three weeks, it doesn’t feel as though we’re together anymore. I can visibly see the heart break in his eyes as they swell, but he holds it back.

“Really? Why? I mean, I’m working on it, I promise! I really do love everything about you, but it’s only that one thing I’m having trouble with, but I’m really trying. I promise!”

My heart breaks as I see the pain in his eyes. I want to give in, but I know it’ll accomplish nothing.

“I don’t doubt that, but that one thing is a very significant thing. It’s not the same as drinking milk out of the carton or hanging toilet paper under versus over. It’s a large chunk of who I am!”

I realize where this is going and I think he knows it, too.

“Answer me this, Colin. Would you want to be with me if I only wanted you for your money? Would you be okay with that?”

Colin silently shakes his head. He’s not making a sound, but there are tears running down his face as he listens to me.

“Honestly, Colin! What you’re doing to me is no different. It’s only a negative. You hate me for my money, yet, I don’t care about yours and you have more than I do. Jeez, Colin! Tell me—why should I want to stay with you?”

I can feel the emotion building inside of me. The raging war on my heart over the last year, and especially the last three weeks, has torn me down. The look of pain on his face is too much. Minutes pass in silence as I watch him fight his emotions. He’s not alone as I’m on the verge of losing mine, too.

I don’t know what to expect, but I’m hoping he has something to say that I want to hear. His silence only confirms one thing.

“Dammit, Colin!”

I press my palms to my eyes as I try to block the tears from falling. I finally remove my hands, leaving my eyes red, wet, and a little swollen, but I don’t care. Let him see what he’s doing to me! I don’t care anymore.

Nothing’s changed as he’s still crying in silence. I don’t know why he was so desperate to talk. He clearly has nothing to say. I plead with him one last time.

“Please, figure it out one way or another. Be in or be out. If you’re out, we’ll deal with it, but this is purgatory. Don’t leave me here.”

I grab my bag and leave before he can respond, though I doubt he has anything to say.