Dustin's World - 6. The Lost Souls in the Fishbowl

Dustin grabbed the Sunday paper and scanned the obituaries and the crime pages, hoping against hope that his father had met a bad end, but no luck. He was working a long shift at Janet’s Diner and had made some decent tip money. The church crowd were some of the worst tippers, but he’d made out okay. Sundays were family days at the diner. Sometimes it made him sad to see the happy families enjoying their happy little meals together… Moms and dads who actually gave a fuck about their kids… Sometimes he recognized the dads from his previous life as a rent boy. Sometimes he saw a glimmer of recognition in their eyes as he took their order. Their wives sat there oblivious, and the kids had no clue that daddy and the waiter were having a whole secret conversation without saying a word.

 

“Please, it would ruin my life!” his eyes would plead.

 

“Hey, I’m cool,” Dustin would suggest with a smile.

 

“What do you recommend?” the wife would ask.

 

“You have to try the special, ma’am,” Dustin would reply.

 

When his shift ended, Dustin sat down in one of the booths to enjoy a meal himself before going home. It was the same booth he’d had his conversation with Sarah. He thought about how odd it was that the guys he’d been with in his younger days could pretend to be happy little husbands and fathers. He wondered if the wives sat alone at night while daddy was out doing ‘business.’ How satisfying could their perfect little lives really be?

 

Just as he was finishing his meal, he saw Nate Stevens walk into the diner and look around. He asked the hostess a question and she pointed him toward Dustin. Dustin smiled as Nate walked toward him.

 

“Hey, you got a minute?” Nate asked.

 

“For you? I might even have two minutes,” Dustin replied.

 

Nate smiled and sat in the booth across from Dustin.

 

“Were you by my apartment yesterday?” Dustin asked.

 

“Yeah. The old man next door to you said you worked here.”

 

“Oh he did, did he?”

 

“Yeah. Nice guy.”

 

“So what? Are you looking for round two or are you stalking me or something?”

 

“Huh? Oh…” Nate blushed. “Oh wow, that must be what this looks like… No, I came here to ask you about Luke.”

 

Dustin sighed. “Luke? What? You want to know if I’m sleeping with him too?”

 

“No. Well now that you mention it…” Nate thought about it. “No. I’m guessing if you were sleeping with him you’d be honest with me if I asked you.”

 

“What makes you think that?”

 

“I don’t see you as the kind of guy who’d lie about something like that.”

 

“Really? Wow, you must be pretty good to know all that about me considering we’ve only known each other for about an hour or so and most of that time was spent fucking.”

 

Nate laughed. “Yeah. I know how this must sound. I just feel like I know you a lot more than that. Like as soon as I met you I had this really good feeling.”

 

“That was called an orgasm,” Dustin said.

 

Nate laughed again. “No, it was something deeper than that. I mean don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, but this was a connection that was more than just two bodies bumping into each other. Maybe it was just me?”

 

“No, it wasn’t,” Dustin admitted. “I don’t know what it was either. It felt really good, like I’ve known you forever or something. Maybe my neighbor was toking and we got a contact high? I don’t know. Anyway, what’s this have to do with Luke?”

 

“Luke? Oh yeah! Luke… Anyway, I wanted to ask you... Okay, so since the night we were together Luke’s been kinda weird. We’ve had sex maybe once since then and it was terrible. I mean, he’s a good guy and I know I cheated on him, but…”

 

“So you’re hoping to have a repeat of last time?”

 

“No, that’s not why I came here. It’s not like Luke to not want sex. Something’s off and I was wondering if you knew anything about him and Dr. Thompson.”

 

“Dr. Thompson?” Dustin asked.

 

“Yeah. Luke had a big affair with him last semester and ever since then… Well, he said he’d called it off but…”

 

“He had an affair with Dr. Thompson?” Dustin asked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well shit! So did I!” Dustin exclaimed.

 

“Are you serious?” Nate replied.

 

“Wow, that makes two guys Luke and I have in common. Wonder how many other guys we’ve been with?”

 

“I hate to think about it. He’s only admitted to the affair last spring with Dr. Thompson, but I think he’s still sleeping with him.”

 

“Okay, I’ll be completely honest with you, your boyfriend is smoking hot.”

 

“And this is supposed to ease my mind?” Nate asked.

 

“No, it’s supposed to make you think. I have no knowledge of Luke and Dr. Thompson sleeping with each other. If I did, I’d tell you. I’m just saying that if I could, I’d sleep with him myself because he’s hot.”

 

“And him being in a relationship wouldn’t stop you?”

 

“It didn’t stop me from fucking you, did it?” Dustin said. “Look Nate, I think you’re a good guy. I like you. But you’ve got to know something about guys like me. If I get the chance, I’m going to fuck anything that moves. And sorry, but I’m getting that vibe from Luke.”

 

“Well I went out and cheated on Luke with you! Doesn’t that make me like you?”

 

“No. See, you actually care. You only cheated because you were hurt. He cheated on you, so you cheated on him. But I know guys like Luke. They don’t care about relationships, they just want laid. I know because I’m just like him. I don’t care if the guy’s got a boyfriend, girlfriend, or wife… Whatever! I just like fucking. You’re not like me. You’re looking for a connection. You’re looking for that special buzz you got when you were with me that was deeper than two bodies bumping together.”

 

“And what are you looking for, Dustin?”

 

“Me? I’m just looking to get my rocks off. Sorry, I have sex to get laid, not to fall madly in love. I don’t believe in love.”

 

“You weren’t always like that though, were you?”

 

Dustin looked at Nate quizzically. “What makes you say that?”

 

Nate took Dustin’s arms and turned them over on the table, exposing his wrists. “Scars never lie,” Nate said. “Even if you try to cover them with tattoos.”

 

Dustin pulled his arms back and put them under the table. No one had ever been so bold with him before. “You literally know nothing about my life,” Dustin snapped.

 

“Someone broke you. Didn’t they?” Nate pressed. “Someone close to you hurt you so deeply that you didn’t want to go on living. They didn’t just hurt you, they robbed you of your ability to love again because the risk was too great! They broke your soul. So now you feel like you don’t even have a soul anymore because of what they did to you.”

 

“Who are you?” Dustin asked. No one had ever gotten so deep behind his mask so quickly before.

 

“I’m someone who understands because I’ve been there before. You’re not like Lucas, Dustin. You’re like me. You have a beautiful fragile soul that’s been so wounded and frightened that you’re afraid to let anyone see it. But I saw it that night. It wasn’t our bodies that connected that night, it was your soul connecting with mine. That’s why you’re all I’ve thought about since that night. And I’ll bet you’ve thought about me too.”

 

Dustin laughed nervously. “This is crazy! All this ‘soul talk’ is nuts! Look, I get it, you think something magical happened that night and you want it again. Happens all the time. I’m very good. But all that happened was that we had really great sex. You’d been so sex starved by your boyfriend that when someone finally gave it to you properly it overwhelmed you.”

 

Nate sighed. “As soon as someone gets too close to you, you try to push them away. You’re scared because you don’t want to take the risk of getting hurt again.”

 

“Of course I don’t want to be hurt! Who would want that? Why is that so wrong?”

 

“Because you’ve closed yourself off to everything! You’re trying to guard yourself by pretending to be this big tough guy who doesn’t care about love, but that’s only because you’re afraid to be hurt again!”

 

“Look, you really don’t know what it’s like. You think you do, but you don’t. You’ve never felt my pain. You’ve never felt the emptiness I’ve felt. My life has been shit since the day I was born. You’ll never understand me! You don’t want to understand me! You’re messing with things you don’t understand. There are things in my life that’ll make you want to go back to church. Stay out of it. You hear me?”

 

“One last question then. What did you expect to see when you opened your eyes after you tried to kill yourself?”

 

“Huh? Open my eyes? I didn’t expect to open my eyes. I expected to die.”

 

“I thought I’d see Hell,” Nate replied.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Three bottles of sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack. I thought that would do the trick. Instead, I woke up in a puddle of puke the next morning. I thought I’d wake up in Hell. All my life, I’d been told my feelings were wrong. All my life I’d been told I was a mistake, that God hated me because of my thoughts and feelings. I expected to wake up in Hell when I died. But I didn’t. After that, I realized I’d been lied to my whole life. My feelings weren’t evil. My thoughts weren’t bad. That was when I finally realized that life is so much bigger than I’d ever thought possible. It’s bigger than all of us. It’s more than just two bodies bumping together on a random night. See, I do understand, Dustin. Maybe my scars aren’t on my flesh, but they’re there, and they’re just as real as yours. You’re not a soulless monster, Dustin. It’s your soul that’s the most wounded thing about you, just like me. But the emptiness doesn’t have to win. You’re worthy of love.”

 

“This is crazy,” Dustin said. “I thought I’d be trying to half-heartedly convince you to go back to your boyfriend but trying to discover my non-existent inner person. There is no deeper person lurking within me. I’m just who I am. Look, I appreciate where you’re coming from, Nate, but I didn’t need to die to wake up in Hell. I was already there when I decided to end things. Maybe someday I’ll tell you why I did it. I like talking to you. Now, can I ask you something?”

 

“I think that’s fair,” Nate replied.

 

“Why’d you have sex in your father’s office?”

 

“Honestly? Because I wanted to get caught. I wanted to throw it in his face.”

 

“Was it worth it?”

 

Nate thought about it. “No. It wasn’t worth the pain I caused my family. I wanted to show my father he couldn’t control me. I underestimated how much it would hurt my mother when he threw me out. But I did what I had to do to survive, you know? I’m not proud of a lot of the things I did back then, but I wouldn’t trade it. It made me who I am today.”

 

“You know what the problem with all this soul searching closeness is? Now that we know each other a lot more, I feel like it’d be wrong to try to fuck you now.”

 

“I’ve never wanted it more,” Nate smiled. “I’ve never felt closer to anyone than I do right now. It’s crazy. You’re a beautiful soul, Dustin.”

 

“If you say so.”

 

“I know so.” Nate stood up. “Well, I guess I should head home.”

 

“You don’t have to go back to Luke if you don’t want to, Nate. If he cheated on you once he’ll do it again.”

 

“I know,” Nate said. “It’s okay though. I’ve lived on the streets. I can take care of myself. I’ll see you around.”

 

“Yeah, see you later, Nathaniel…” Dustin said. He sat there for a few minutes, exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. He’d never had so deep a conversation as he’d had with Nate. He wanted to sleep, but he also wanted to do about ten backflips.

    

As he went to leave, Janet caught him. “That boy was a real cutie, Dustin,” she winked.

 

“Yeah. He’s off the table though.”

 

“He was that preacher’s boy, wasn’t he? The one who got kicked out for being like you.”

 

“Yeah… Being like me is pretty dangerous,” he replied.

 

When Dustin got home, he was still trying to process his conversation with Nate while working on an assignment for Dr. Thompson’s class. He’d never found it more difficult to concentrate. He felt like Nate had gotten into places in his head he’d never let anyone near before, and he’d been so easy to talk to. It was like talking to someone he’d known his whole life, who knew him better than he knew himself.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a notification sound on his computer. He’d forgotten he’d even left the chatroom open. At first, he hoped it might be Nate, but then he saw it was a guy he’d been flirting with online for a while now. One thing led to another and soon enough Dustin was on his motorcycle heading to the guy’s house for a hook-up. He found the house easily enough and knocked on the door. The fortyish-looking man who opened the door was fatter and balder than his profile picture had been. That was never surprising. He was wearing an old bathrobe which was barely held together in the front for modesty. Dustin suddenly felt dirty and uncomfortable about the situation. He thought about telling the guy he had the wrong house.

 

“You must be Big Red,” the man said, his voice had the stereotypical gay intonation to it. “Come on in stud. I’m Scott.”

 

Dustin followed Scott into the threshold of the house and Scott closed the door behind him.

 

“What’s your name, stud?” Scott asked.

 

“Dustin.”

 

“Mmmmm… Nice! Can’t wait to see what’s under those clothes, Dustin,” Scott said, groping Dustin’s crotch lewdly. He leaned closer to kiss and Dustin did so reluctantly. Scott’s tongue slipped its way into Dustin’s mouth and his hands slipped up his shirt to squeeze Dustin’s firm chest.

 

“Let’s go upstairs,” Scott suggested.

 

As soon as they entered the bedroom, Scott dropped the robe to the floor. He was pretty large, but Dustin had had worse. Scott’s hands slipped up Dustin’s shirt and took it off and his pants quickly followed. Scott dropped to his knees and gnawed at the bulge in Dustin’s underwear. The underwear dropped to the floor with one firm yank and Dustin’s cock sprang free and bobbed up and down impressively.

 

“What a stud!” Scott remarked. Scott proceeded to give Dustin a very good blow job. Dustin was impressed and began to get more comfortable with the situation. Scott may not have been very attractive, but he sure knew how to handle Dustin’s fully armed weapon of mass reproduction.

 

“Dude, this is an awesome cock,” Scott complimented Dustin, jacking him off and resting his jaw before going back to work. Dustin never got tired of people complimenting his penis. Scott’s hands explored Dustin’s smooth body, kneading his ass. “Dude, you have such a hot ass! Let’s move to the bed,” Scott suggested. Dustin slid onto the bed, and before he knew what happened, Scott climbed on top of him. Suddenly, Scott’s dick and balls were in his face.

 

“Suck me, boy! Suck daddy’s nice cock.”

 

Dustin opened his mouth. Scott’s dick slid inside. Dustin prided himself on giving a good blow job even if he wasn’t that into it. Scott wrapped his arms around Dustin’s body and they both pumped their cocks rapidly into each other’s mouth. Dustin gazed at the obscene sight of Scott’s hairy balls bouncing above him. He felt trapped.

 

Scott came up for air. “Nice boy! You sure know how to suck a cock!” Scott repositioned himself and Dustin watched Scott’s hairy ass slowly lower toward his face. Now he really felt trapped as Scott told him to lick his asshole. He licked and sucked obediently and wondered how he’d ended up in such a predicament. Scott’s moans encouraged him to go for it.

 

“Goddamn, boy! You are amazing! Kiss daddy’s ass!”

 

Scott reached down and grabbed Dustin’s legs and pulled them toward Dustin’s chest so that his asshole was exposed. Scott leaned down, his weight pressing against Dustin’s naked body. Dustin felt Scott’s tongue tease his asshole, and then a finger sank into him. He panicked!

 

Suddenly he was back in his old bedroom. He was scared. His father had discovered his secret and had caught him at the park! The gig was up! He’d already had his ass kicked at the park when his dad assaulted him and threw him into the car. His mom hadn’t been home and now his dad had ripped his pants and underwear off, exposing him. Dustin prayed that God would save him from his father’s wrath.

 

“Please dad!” Dustin begged. “I’m sorry!”

 

“Quit fucking crying you stupid little faggot!” his father sneered as he slapped him in the face. Another fist landed a heavy blow into his guts. The smell of stale beer overwhelmed Dustin. “You want to sell your ass like a common whore, you fucking faggot?!? You deserve this! I’ll teach you a lesson your bitch ass will never forget!”

 

“No daddy no! Please don’t do this! I’m sorry!”

 

“I told you to shut the fuck up!” Dustin’s father roared. Dustin saw a blinding white light as his father beat him over the head with something. He was pushed viciously onto his bed face down. His legs were pulled violently apart, exposing his asshole.

 

“No dad! No no no!!!!!” Suddenly searing hot pain shot through his body as his ass was impaled by something hard. “Oh god nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!” Dustin cried. Tears streaked his face as his father repeatedly jammed the broomstick into him, violating him, tearing Dustin open inside. “Please God help me!!!!” Dustin begged as the stick turned red with blood.

 

“I’m gonna puke!” Dustin cried, his mind suddenly back in the present. He pushed Scott off of him so hard that Scott almost fell off the bed. Dustin jumped off the bed and ran to Scott’s private bathroom next to his bedroom and violently lost the contents of his stomach. He puked until there was nothing left to vomit, and then he heaved for another minute afterward, crying the whole time. Dustin hugged the toilet and rested his head on the seat.

 

“Oh my God…” Dustin groaned. Tears streaked his face. He managed to sit upright on the floor, leaning against the tub. He grabbed his knees and buried his head between them. Then he bawled. He bawled and bawled and bawled. He hadn’t wept so hard in his life. Then he felt a hand resting on his back. He looked up to see Scott, once again in his bathrobe, sitting on the tub beside him, gently rubbing his back. Dustin rested his head in Scott’s lap.

 

“You going to be okay, dude?” Scott asked.

 

“I wish I were dead,” Dustin moaned.

 

“You’ll be alright,” Scott soothed. He leaned over and flushed the toilet. “What happened?”

 

“Nothing,” Dustin said, “I just feel a little sick…”

 

“Oh shit! I’m sorry kid.”

 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Dustin said. “I just… I couldn’t…” Dustin wiped his eyes. “Can I have some water please?”

 

“Sure,” Scott said. He quickly filled a little Dixie cup with water. Dustin swished the water around his mouth and spit it into the toilet.

 

“God, I just want to die,” Dustin whined. “Guess I ruined the mood tonight, huh?”

 

“It’s okay,” Scott said. “Come on, let’s get you dressed.”

 

Scott helped Dustin to his feet and then helped him get his clothes back on. Dustin felt better, but very weak.

 

“Why don’t you stay here tonight?” Scott offered. “You really shouldn’t ride your bike in your condition.”

 

“I’ll be okay,” Dustin said weakly.

 

“You sure? I could drive you home if…”

 

“Nah, I’ll be okay. If I need to throw up again, I don’t want to mess up your car. Look, I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Maybe some other time.”

 

“Sure thing, dude. I’ll just be on the lookout for BigRed05 in the chatroom.”

 

Dustin slowly walked out to his bike. He had no intention of ever seeing Scott again. He was embarrassed about what had happened. He made it home safely and crawled into bed still dressed. All he wanted to do was go to sleep. He didn’t particularly care if he woke up or not.