Dustin's World - 16. The Light in the Darkness

Dustin Smith awoke to find himself in the arms of Nate Stevens, just as he had every morning since they’d become a couple. They were both naked. Dustin had never slept naked before, but he was getting used to it. They hadn’t even made love the night before, nor did they feel the expectation to do so every single night. When they did have sex, it was fun and playful, and both enjoyed the carefree attitude of the other. Dustin hadn’t yet built up the nerve to bottom, but the fact that he actually wanted to do it was a step in the right direction.

It hadn’t taken them long to find themselves a nice little place to stay together in Belle Vernon, which was close enough to the school yet on the other side of the river from Charleroi. It wasn’t quite out of the Mon Valley yet, but it was a step in the right direction. Mike’s boyfriend, Jake, had found the place for them. Turns out he worked for a realtor. It had taken Dustin maybe three hours or so to pack up his stuff, give Craig back his gun, and move out of the apartment he’d called home for almost three years. He was disappointed that Mr. Johnston hadn’t been around to see him off. He was going to miss the old man. Nate got his shit out of Billy’s old room in like five minutes or so, much to Billy’s joy. Apparently, Billy had spent the rest of that afternoon putting everything back where it belonged in his old room while Brett helped Dustin and Nate move into their new place.

“Was he always this bad?” Dustin asked.

“He’s just being pissy about you getting together with the preacher’s kid.”

“He does realize Nate isn’t his father, right?”

“It’s complicated,” Brett replied.

“It’s Billy. Of course it’s complicated,” Dustin replied.

The school term had wrapped up without incident. Luke never returned to Dr. Thompson’s class and Dustin hadn’t seen him in weeks. He’d heard rumors that he was going to continue his education at a different college.

Life was going better than it ever had for Dustin, and he was happier than he’d ever been. There was just one little thing still hanging over his head…

“Today’s the day of my hearing,” Dustin told Nate as they had breakfast together.

“I know,” Nate replied. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about.”

“That’d make quite a Christmas present, huh? I could spend next year in jail.”

“I don’t think it will come to that.”

“No? Assaulting a police officer is a big deal, Nate. I could go to jail for years!”

“You just poked the guy. It’s not like you shot his car or anything,” Nate said with a grin.

“Still… It’s the Mon Valley. Anything could happen. The magistrate could send it to a jury trial. I should have just pled guilty.”

“But you’re not guilty, Dusty! All you did was drive recklessly. Everything else was crap! You were angry but not violent. You barely touched the guy. It was one finger. He was being ridiculous!”

“Well, he had a badge, so he gets to be ridiculous. I’m just some loser river rat. They’ll probably think they’re doing everyone a favor by locking me up.”

Dustin’s nerves had reached their breaking point by the time the boys met Brett and Billy at the magistrate’s office. He was afraid of what would happen. He didn’t want to go to jail, and it’s not like he could afford a big fine. Dustin didn’t have money to afford a suit, so Brett had gone with him to buy it, a black coat and pants with a nice tie and shirt. The four of them waited for what seemed like an eternity for Dustin’s case to be heard. The hearing was scheduled to begin at ten o’clock, but it was almost half past and still they were waiting for everything to get started. Finally, forty-five minutes late, the clerk asked to see Dustin. All four boys got up, but the clerk insisted only Dustin could go into the hearing room.

Dustin walked into the small courtroom where the magistrate was sitting behind a big desk, robed and waiting. The officer who had arrested Dustin sat at one table, and at another table sat Mr. Johnston!

“Come be seated, Mr. Smith,” the magistrate said. A bailiff instructed Dustin to have a seat at the table next to Mr. Johnston.

“What are you doing here?” Dustin whispered to the old man, who acted as if he couldn’t hear Dustin (probably because he really couldn’t hear!)

“In the matter of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania versus Dustin Dwayne Smith, let the record show Mr. Smith is charged with disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, and driving at an unsafe speed for road conditions. Mr. Smith, how do you plead to these charges?”

“Plead guilty…” Mr. Johnston whispered, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.

“What about…”

“Just plead guilty, boy!” Mr. Johnston insisted in yet another overly loud whisper.

“Uh… I plead guilty, I guess…”

“Your plea of guilty to these charges is hereby registered with the clerk of the courts, I fine you fifty dollars for each offense for a total amount of one hundred fifty dollars. Lieutenant Johnston, is there any other business for the court regarding this case?”

“No sir, your honor,” the police officer replied.

“That concludes our business regarding the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania versus Dustin Dwayne Smith. Mr. Smith, you can make arrangements for the payment of your fine with the clerk. This matter is resolved and the case is closed. Let’s take a lunch recess.”

“What just happened?” Dustin asked.

After the magistrate left the room, Dustin just stood there, unsure of what had happened. The police officer walked over to Dustin and Mr. Johnston.

“You better be more careful in the future, Mr. Smith. Next time you might not have such a good advocate.” He turned to Mr. Johnston. “You want to catch lunch, Pops?”

“Pops?” Dustin said.

“Lunch with my favorite grandson? I’d be honored. Just give me a minute with the kid,” Mr. Johnston replied.

Lieutenant Johnston headed for the exit, while Dustin’s head was still spinning over everything that had just happened.

“Your grandson is…”

“The officer who arrested you,” Mr. Johnston said with a smile. “The grandson who lives in my old house, to be particular. It pays to be nice to an old man like me, Red.”

“What about the other charges?”

“Summarily dismissed. Seems my grandson tends to be a bit over zealous when they drag him out from behind his desk and make him work traffic duty. And I do know a thing or two about the legal system from watching all those Matlock reruns,” Mr. Johnston said with a wink.

“I… I don’t know how to thank you!” Dustin said, his eyes beginning to water.

“You just keep being nice to people for no other reason than because they’re your neighbors, Red. You’re a good kid, I could see that right away. Troubled, but a sweet and kind boy. You were a good neighbor. The place isn’t the same without you. Now I’ve got some lady and her kid to deal with. They’re not nearly as exciting.”

Unable to contain his happiness, Dustin hugged Mr. Johnston and allowed the tears he’d been trying to keep bottled up to flow. Mr. Johnston returned the hug, knowing the young man he was hugging hadn’t received nearly as many of them as he should’ve in his young life.

“I love you, old man,” Dustin said.

“I love you too, kiddo,” Mr. Johnston replied. “You keep in touch, okay? Now… Let’s not keep that nice young man you’ve found for yourself waiting. I’m sure he’ll want to know how it all went.”

Before Dustin knew it, he’d paid his fine and was standing outside the magistrate’s office with his friends and boyfriend.

“That’s it?” Billy asked. “It took longer to drive here than the hearing lasted!”

“I’m glad you were here though,” Dustin said. “You guys want to do lunch?”

It wasn’t hard to choose a place for the four boys to celebrate Dustin’s freedom. They ended up at Janet’s Diner of course. Dustin told Janet Rush the news that everything had worked out, and the boys sat at what was becoming their usual booth. It was a celebration, and everyone was joyful, except…

“For god’s sake, Billy, smile!” Brett scolded. “Your best friend is finally happy. You’ve been a dick ever since Nate stayed in your old room.”

“That was my refuge from the life his father made miserable,” Billy replied.

“You realize I’m not my father right?” Nate replied. “He made my life a living hell too.”

“So why would you want to do the same thing he did?”

“I don’t.”

“So why are you studying to become a preacher?” Billy asked.

“Oh…” Nate said. “Guys you mind if me and Billy go talk for a minute?”

“It’s ‘Billy and I,’” Billy snipped.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Nate replied. “Seriously, can we go talk for a few minutes?”

“Whatever,” Billy replied. He followed Nate outside and they stood on the corner as Brett and Dustin looked on.

“So, is this going to be a train wreck or what?” Dustin asked.

“I don’t know,” Brett replied as he craned his neck to watch out the window. “I’m sure it’ll be entertaining though…”

Outside on the corner, Billy scowled at Nate.

“You don’t like me much, do you?” Nate said.

“Don’t have much reason to,” Billy replied.

“I know we didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, but I don’t even know what I did,” Nate protested.

“No? I’ll tell you why I don’t like you. You’re a scuzz bucket like your old man. You just mooch off of everybody, my mother and step-father, then my cousin, now my best friend.”

“Oh, that’s right. You and Luke are related.”

“Yeah. I mean, I barely knew him anyway, but still. You used him. He’s transferring to Slippery Rock because of you,” Billy said. “Seems to me he paid for everything for you, place to stay, food to eat, and then you cheated on him with Dustin. Then you dumped him. Now, I agree, he was a real shithead for telling Dustin you had AIDS, but you kind of deserved it.”

“Yeah, I guess I did,” Nate replied. “But I’ve got to tell you, Billy, our relationship died long before I cheated on him. I’m not perfect, not by a long shot. You haven’t even scratched the surface on the things I’ve done. I’m no saint. But Luke and I were through before Dustin even came into the picture.”

“He fucked the professor. I know that. It still doesn’t make it right what you did. Just because he cheated didn’t mean you had to cheat too. What are you going to do when Dustin fucks up? Because you know he will. He’s never been in a relationship in his life that wasn’t fucked up. He’s going to make a lot of mistakes. He needs someone who understands him and is strong enough to fight for him and with him, not against him. So what are you going to do when he fucks up? You going to cheat on him too?”

“I don’t know,” Nate admitted. “I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but I’m pretty fucked up in the head myself. All I know is that this feels different from any relationship I’ve ever had before. I’ve had more respect from Dustin in one month together than I’ve ever had in my whole life. If you asked him, I think he’d tell you the same thing. We’re together because we want to be, not because it’s convenient. And both of us are invested in this thing. That’s why we moved to the apartment. I’m not mooching.”

“I just don’t want to see my best friend get hurt again. He’s been through enough.”

“Believe me, Billy. The last thing I want to do is hurt Dustin. I love him.”

“If you love him, then why would you want to do what your father did? When I look at you all I think about is the guy who tried to ruin my life and brainwash my mother with a bunch of phony mumbo jumbo about Jesus and God hating fags. How could you want to follow in his footsteps after what he did to you because of his stupid religious garbage?”

“You don’t believe in God, do you?” Nate asked.

“I don’t believe in fairies either,” Billy replied. “Neither one has had much impact on my life.”

“So you don’t have much respect for believers then?”

“That’s not what I said at all. Brett believes in that stuff. He goes to church every week, prays every night… I respect his beliefs even if I don’t understand them. I’m willing to go with him to church even. I see how religion brings structure and order to his life, and he thinks it’s important. I just don’t believe like he does. I don’t get it.”

“Okay, well, what if I told you that’s how I feel about my father’s religion? I understand why he believes the things he does, but I disagree at a fundamental level with him. I believe God is a mystery, and we’ve all just been guessing for centuries at how to approach the mystery. I believe God is bigger than any one person’s interpretation of the mystery. My father took the law and order aspects of God’s nature and threw out God’s loving nature. He hurt a lot of people, not just me and you. And when he wore out his welcome here, he skipped town for the next group of rubes like a traveling snake oil salesman. Someone has to work to bring some healing to the souls he damaged. Someone has to try to undo the damage he did. So that’s why I’m studying to become a pastor, so I can bring some peace where my father brought anger and destruction. I want to bring light to the darkness. I can reach people my father abused.”

“I can respect that.”

“I’m glad. See, we all handle the mystery differently. You reject the supernatural and stick with only what you can see and feel with your senses. You’re a logic and science guy and I respect you for that. Brett finds peace in the structures and routines of Catholicism, and I respect him too. From what I understand, his mother professed to believe in those same things, but she betrayed him and everything he stands for. That should have caused a huge crisis in his life, but it didn’t because he had you. It’s the same for me. My father tried to aggressively destroy every connection I have to God and my family. He told me I couldn’t even have a connection to them because of my so-called ‘lifestyle choices.’ But now I have someone who has been through a similar situation. My dad didn’t rape me, but he violated my soul. Dustin gets it like no one ever has before. Right from the start I felt that deep connection in my soul to him. You know what that’s like, don’t you?”

Billy smiled. “Yeah… Wow, you really are good. I thought it was just Dustin being all smitten with you, but you really do have a way with helping people see things more deeply. You’re alright, Nate.”

“You’re alright too, Billy. I’d like to get to know you better, because you seem like a pretty cool guy.”

“Now you’re just trying to butter me up,” Billy laughed. “I’ve never been cool a day in my life.”

“No seriously! You’re my boyfriend’s best friend. You guys have been through a lot together and I’ve only heard Dustin’s side of things. I’d like to hear things from your perspective – what it was like for you growing up in this crazy town. I’ll bet a lot of people would like to hear your story.”

“Who’d want to read a story about a kid with autism falling in love with a kid with ADHD? Hell, I didn’t even know I was autistic until I was almost out of school.”

“If you wrote it, I’d read it. I think you should.”

“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Billy said.

“I’ll bet if you think about it, you’ll figure it out. I’ll bet if you let Brett read it, it’d really help him understand you better. It’d help a lot of people understand what you guys went through.”

“Okay, I’ll do it under one condition,” Billy said.

“What’s that?”

“Okay, Brett has this crazy idea that someday the country will finally accept gay marriage and make it legal. He wants to have a big ceremony at this little park where we first kissed. If I write the story, you have to be the preacher who marries us. Okay?”

Nate smiled. “It’s a deal. Any ideas for a title?”

“I don’t know. There’ll be a lot of sex. We fucked a lot in high school. Maybe the Erotic Adventures of an Autistic Teenager?”

“It needs some work,” Nate said. “Maybe a little less focus on the whole autism thing right off the bat. If you didn’t even know about it then there’s no reason to dwell on it. Let the readers discover that with you along the way…”

“’Right off the bat…’” Billy said. “That gives me an idea…”

When they returned to the booth, both Dustin and Brett wanted to know what the conversation had been about. But neither Billy nor Nate would tell their partners what they’d talked about.

(And they wouldn’t until much later when I gave them each a copy of a little story I wrote called W.A.R.. And the rest, as they say, is history. Of course, it took a little bit of work to get all the details to write the story of how Dustin and Nate fell in love and of how Brett lost one brother but gained two more, but I think I did a pretty good job. Oh, are you surprised it’s me, your old friend Billy, who wrote this one too? Thought I could only write in the first person point of view, did you? It’s amazing what you can do with a little help from your friends. And wouldn’t you know it, Nate has become one of the best friends I’ve ever had, even if the first time I met him I threatened to punch him right in his stupid face… Anyway, back to the story…)

Later that evening, after the dust had settled and a busy and tiring day had passed, Dustin and Nate sat together on the small couch they’d bought and watched tv together in the little apartment they’d made into their home together. The Christmas tree they’d decorated provided a soft light which filled the room. Nate nestled himself tightly against Dustin’s chest and listened to the beating of his partner’s heart, and felt his chest rise and fall as he breathed peacefully. Oh, there would be challenges ahead, there always are. There would be occasions for fighting, and making up, and arguments about silly things. But for that moment, there was nothing but a sense of peace that felt like a refreshing spring.

“This is the night,” Dustin said.

“The night for what?” Nate asked.

“I think you know,” Dustin replied.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything. I love you Nathaniel. I want to show you how completely in love I am with you, with my body and with my soul. You’ve helped me heal with your patience, your kindness, and with your goodness. I never thought I would ever love again. But now, I don’t know how I ever lived without you. I can’t remember what it was like before you walked into my life. And now, I want you to have what I have never given to anyone in love before. I want you to make love to me.”

Nate smiled and held Dustin’s hand as they walked together into their bedroom, where they expressed with their bodies the true love within their souls. They both wept as they gave themselves to each other, the happiest tears either of them had ever shed. And afterward, with a portion of Nate’s essence within his body, Dustin slept as peacefully as he ever had. The scars had faded and the nightmares of his past had disappeared at last.

And though they never left the Mon Valley, they brought the light of love into the darkness. And the darkness will never overcome the light.

The End