Dustin's World - 4. The Comfort in the Queen

Dustin somehow made it back to his Charleroi apartment, soaked with sweat and blood and shivering from the chilly late summer air. He was thankful he had a place to call his own so he could escape the abuse of his past which had reared its ugly head once again. It’d been a few years since his father had beaten him up. Dustin couldn’t say he missed it. He limped into his apartment building and left a trail of blood drops behind him as he climbed the stairs and shuffled to his apartment door.

“Jesus what the fuck happened to you, Red?” Mr. Johnston asked, his voice full of concern. “You get beat up?”

Dustin snapped. “Why don’t you mind your own fucking business you stupid asshole? I didn’t ask you for your opinion on my life! Why don’t you shut your fucking mouth and leave me the fuck alone?!? You hear me?”

Mr. Johnston was taken aback by the normally pleasant and playful young man’s explosive reaction. “Whoa! Easy there, Red! Everything okay, buddy? You need any help?”

“I just need to be left alone! Stay out of my fucking business!” Dustin slipped inside the refuge of his apartment and slammed the door before Mr. Johnston could ask him any more questions. Dustin slowly made it to his bathroom and turned on the shower. He wished he could soak in a bathtub. He peeled off his clothes and climbed into the shower. The blood rinsed off him and swirled down the drain. He knelt there for a long time, just letting the water flow over him. Overwhelmed, he began to sob uncontrollably. He was glad the sound of the water masked his weeping.

He eventually managed to get the bleeding stopped. He figured he probably had a concussion. He’d had enough of them to know what they felt like. He set his alarm clock to wake him up in a couple of hours and laid on his bed naked. Every few hours, his alarm would wake him. He took a few aspirins and went back to sleep. It would be better in the morning, he told himself.

He awoke in the morning with a massive headache. His arms and legs felt heavy. He didn’t have to look in the mirror to know he had a nasty-looking black eye. The whole left side of his face was swelled and bruised, as was his side where his ribs had been busted. He winced as he looked at the damage his father had done. When he was younger, his father had always avoided hitting him in the face to keep people from asking questions. Dustin guessed his father had no such qualms now that he was twenty-one.

Dustin didn’t have class that day, and he was glad. The swelling would be gone by the time he was back to school. He still had to work though. He thought about calling his best friend for so many years, Billy. Billy understood. Billy knew what his dad was like. He’d witnessed it. Unfortunately, he didn’t have Billy’s phone number anymore and he hadn’t seen Billy since high school. Dustin tried to think. He just needed someone to talk to. He felt so lonely.

“Mike!” he said aloud. He dialed Mike’s number on his phone but there was no answer.

“He’s probably still ignoring me because of last time,” Dustin said to himself. “He can’t avoid me if I just show up at his house.”

 

He was glad there was no one in the hallway as he left his apartment. He got on his bike and rode to Mike’s house on the other side of the river in Belle Vernon. He pulled up to the front of Mike’s house and parked on the street. He knocked on the door.

 

“Mike please be home,” Dustin said to himself.

 

The door opened.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Dustin asked.

 

“I’m Jake,” the man who answered the door replied. “Wow you don’t look too good kid!”

 

“Where’s Mike?”

 

“Oh, you must be that Dustin kid,” Jake said. “Come on in.”

 

Dustin followed Jake inside, unsure of what was going on. All of Mike’s stuff was still there, but now there was a lot more stuff that he didn’t recognize. Jake offered Dustin a can of Pepsi.

 

“Mike! Your friend Dustin is here!”

 

Jake handed Dustin the soda as Mike came down the stairs, dressed only in a bathrobe he was tying as he walked.

 

“Hey Dustin! Whoa! You look like hell! What happened?”

 

“I fell off my bike,” Dustin lied. “Who the hell is this?” Dustin asked, scowling at the strange man whose name he’d already forgotten.

 

“You met Jake? Jake’s my boyfriend. He’s been living here about a month now.”

 

“Yeah, he told me all about you,” Jake said. Dustin immediately disliked Jake.

 

“You never told me you got a boyfriend!” Dustin said. His head hurt even more than before.

 

“You never asked. You just stormed out of here in a huff and never got back to me. I told you I was looking for something more than what we had.”

 

“Yeah,” Jake chipped in. “Don’t worry though. I’m not one of those boyfriends who gets all jealous and weird about old boyfriends.”

 

“Listen, Jack…”

 

“It’s Jake.”

 

“Whatever!” Dustin snapped. “Mike was never my boyfriend. You understand? More like a fuck buddy. Maybe a friend with benefits. Listen, can you just leave us alone for a minute, Jack?”

 

“Dustin, please don’t be rude,” Mike said. “Jake isn’t going anywhere.”

 

“Guys if you need a minute to talk I can…”

 

“Please do,” Dustin snapped.

 

“Jake,” Mike started.

 

“No no… It’s cool Mikey. I’ll just head upstairs and make the bed. You guys talk.” Jake gave Mike a kiss before he started up the stairs.

 

“What’s with the jag?” Dustin asked as soon as Jake was up the stairs.

 

“Dustin, don’t be a dick.”

 

“What’d you do? Grab the first dork you could find after you dumped me and ask him to move in with you?”

 

“I wasn’t aware I could dump you. I thought we were just fuck buddies. I gave you the chance, but you made it pretty clear you weren’t interested in a relationship so I moved on. I thought you did too.

 

“So what? You’re just going to let him fuck you now?”

 

“No. Actually I was never really all that interested in being a total bottom. I know you have issues with it because of what your dad did to you, but…”

 

“Shut up about my dad,” Dustin warned.

 

“Hey, you’re the one coming over here ripping on my boyfriend. Your problem is you’ve been acting like a fifteen-year-old for six years now. It’s like you just figured out what you can do with your dick and now you can’t stop.”

 

“I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life, Mike! You fucked me when I was just a kid! I was young and stupid and you took advantage of me!”

 

“Okay, what’s really wrong, dude?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Dustin asked.

 

“I know when you start bringing up what we did back then that there’s something wrong.”

 

“Technically, you did rape me,” Dustin said. “I should have you arrested.”

 

“You didn’t fall off your bike, did you? Shit! Your asshole father is back, isn’t he? That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You wanted to numb your pain by getting your rocks off.”

 

“You don’t know shit, Mike!”

 

“Bullshit! I saw what he did to you for too long to miss the signs this time!”

 

“Yeah, and you let him do it to me because you were too ashamed to stop him because you were fucking around with an underage kid!”

 

“Don’t try to make this about me. You have a PFA on him. Call the damn cops and let them deal with him.”

 

“Fuck this! I thought you of all people would understand!” Dustin moved toward the door.

 

“Dustin, you don’t have to leave. You can stay here if you need to.”

 

“Screw that! I wouldn’t want to ruin you and Jason’s happy little life together.”

 

“It’s Jake!” Mike corrected.

 

“I don’t care!” Dustin replied as he slammed the door. He went back to his bike and revved the engine as loudly as he could before squealing his tires as he rode away.

 

“I just need someone to talk to,” Dustin said to himself. He returned to his apartment and sat down at his computer. He wasn’t going to go looking for sex with a nasty black eye and a bruised and hurting side. He put his head in his hands and struggled to stop himself from crying. It was like his whole childhood had come back from the past to get him. He just wanted some company. He even logged on to his chatroom, hoping that maybe a certain CalBoy would be lurking around. No luck.

 

Then he saw the paper with Sarah Taylor’s number written on it. Dustin hadn’t even thought about calling it since the day he’d talked to her at Janet’s Diner. But she had been so easy to talk to, like she really understood him. He’d shared things with her he hadn’t told anyone since Billy. Maybe she would listen to him? Maybe she would understand? Dustin grabbed his cell phone and dialed the number.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Sarah, it’s Dustin Smith.”

 

“Dustin? Oh! Dustin! Hi, how are you?

 

“Hey… I… Can we meet and talk? I just… I need somebody to talk to and you were so nice to me…”

 

“Oh… Sure. I guess. Do you want to come over here?”

 

“I don’t know… I don’t think your dad likes me too much.”

 

“Daddy went to Harrisburg with mom for a school board convention. Why don’t you come over here and we can talk?”

 

“Okay. I really appreciate it.”

 

Dustin washed his face and then got on his bike and rode to Sarah’s house. Usually a river rat like him wouldn’t be welcome in a neighborhood like Sarah’s. Every house was worth more than everything Dustin would ever own. He could live in one of their garages with room to spare. This neighborhood was where the people who had made it but didn’t want to leave their power behind lived. One house was the home of the state representative. The superintendent of the school system lived in another house. The county sheriff lived down the block. And Sarah’s dad, the president of the school board and highly successful businessman lived in one of the nicest houses of them all. Dustin felt small and out of place as he tried to keep his bike as quiet as possible as he rode through the neighborhood. He pulled into the Taylors’ driveway and took in the extravagance of Sarah’s home. He’d been there before, during that summer fling with Sarah’s brother. He avoided the front door and instinctively went to the door where the Taylors met company. Nobody in a neighborhood like this used their front door for anything other than decoration.

 

Before he could even ring the bell, Sarah opened the door wearing a silk teddy.

 

“Well hey there, stranger!” Sarah said seductively.

 

Dustin gulped. “Uh… I think you have the wrong idea. When I said I wanted to talk I really did mean I wanted to talk.”

 

“Oh,” Sarah said, looking slightly embarrassed. “I just assumed…”

 

Dustin took a step closer to her into the light.

 

“Oh my god! Dustin, what happened to your face?”

 

“That’s what I wanted to talk about,” Dustin said.

 

“Oh Dustin! Come in!” Sarah led Dustin inside and guided him up to her room. He couldn’t help but notice she wasn’t wearing anything under the teddy. She sat down on her bed and invited Dustin to sit next to her. “Tell me what happened.”

 

“My whole life’s gone to fuck,” Dustin said. “My dad showed up at my mom’s house last night and beat the shit out of me. God, it was like being a kid again.”

 

“He should be in jail!” Sarah said. “I know some people if you…”

 

“No, I just… I thought I had gotten over everything that happened to me. I did all that therapy and I worked really hard to get beyond my past, and then it all came back. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

 

“You were raped, Dustin. You don’t just get over that, no matter how much therapy you do.”

 

“I wish he’d just killed me that night instead of what he did.”

 

“You’re not think about suicide again, are you?”

 

“I think about it every day, even before last night. My life is so fucked up. If I had a gun, I’d do it. I don’t want to mess it up again.”

 

“When was the last time you went to therapy?”

 

“Brett Reilly’s mom paid for my therapy last time. After she moved away, it wouldn’t have been right to ask her to keep doing it.”

 

“So you’ve gone three years without talking to somebody about this?”

 

“Yeah I guess. I just… What would someone like you have done to me in high school if you had known about all this?”

 

“I probably would have been nice to your face and talked about you behind your back. But I already did that, so nothing would have changed. Dustin, what happened to you wasn’t your fault. You have to know that. There’s nothing you could have done.”

 

“I could have stopped him. I should have.”

 

“You were just a kid!”

 

“I’m six feet tall. I’m real good with a baseball bat. I could’ve beat the shit out of him. I could kick anyone’s ass I wanted to.”

 

“But there’s a big difference between beating anybody you want and facing your own father. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was tell daddy I was coming home from Stanford.”

 

“Yeah, but you didn’t want to kill your father. I do. I want to kill him.”

 

“You’re not going to kill anybody.”

 

“Yes I am. You just watch me!”

 

“You know what men in prison would do to a pretty boy like you? You may think you’re tough, but they’d see right through you. You think what your father did to you was bad? You’re a lover not a fighter, Dustin.”

 

“You don’t know what I’m capable of. My neighbor has a gun. He’s a stoner kid. If I wanted to, I could kick his ass and take his gun. It’d be easy.”

 

“Or he could shoot you!” Sarah said sternly. “Dustin, you’re scaring me. All this talk of killing your father…”

 

“Look what he did to me!” Dustin said, pointing to his face. “This is nothing! I got off easy this time! He’s not a man, he’s a monster! I’d be doing the world a favor! Look what he turned me into! I shouldn’t be a nobody with no future! I should have been like you. I should have been normal! I should have been the one to live a nice happy life! I should have been the one going to Stanford! Instead, my life fucking sucks and it always will! You had the golden fucking ticket, Sarah, and you blew it! And when you did, your father was right there to pick you up and carry you through! My father didn’t give me anything but a black eye! I’d give anything to have your life!”

 

“That’s not fair, Dustin. I didn’t get to decide what family I was born into and neither did you. It’s not our past that should define us, but what we do in the future! You can’t do anything about what your parents did, but you can change your tomorrow. But you’re the one talking about throwing everything away. You think killing yourself will make anything better? You think killing your father will make your life better? All it would do is ruin your life! That would mean he would win! It’s time to stop being his victim forever!”

 

“You think you’re so smart, don’t you! It’s not that fucking easy! I’ve been trying to get over this my whole life! He took my childhood and took a big steaming shit on it! He turned sex into a weapon to use against me! You think someday I’ll just magically get over that? You think if I go back to therapy I’ll be magically cured? I’ll never get over it! Never! I don’t just want to kill him, I want to take a shit on his goddamn grave! You hear me?”

 

“And when you do you’ll be even more of a victim than you are now, because you’ll have let him totally destroy your life. Do you hear me?”

 

“My father has no control over me. He’s a worthless drunk who can barely take care of himself!”

 

“Dustin, it’s obvious what he’s doing to you. Your father hurt you and you want so badly to hurt him in return. But you can’t, so you hurt everybody else in your life because you can. Your pain is too much for you to bear, so it spills out and harms everyone and everything in your life. You’ve pushed away everyone close to you and now you’re bitter and alone. You can’t keep running away from the people who love you. You’re so stuck on revenge that it’s turned you into the very thing you hate! Don’t you see? You’re becoming your father!”

 

“I ought to slap you stupid for saying that!” Dustin scowled. “I’m nothing like that son of a bitch!”

 

“Why do you think you have had all that sex with older men?”

 

“Because I enjoy it.”

 

“Really? Or is it because it gives you the control you never had over your father? See, I think every time you have sex with a man you subconsciously think you’re getting revenge on your father for what he did to you. It gives you power you never had over him. But you can’t fuck your way out of what happened to you.”

 

“That’s stupid! I’ve had more doctors and psychiatrists try to analyze me than you can imagine! You’re projecting your daddy issues on to me. Your dad, as awful as he is, at least loves you. Your dad dried your tears. My dad caused them.”

 

“Okay, then answer me this question: Why haven’t you ever even tried to be with a woman?”

 

“Because I’m gay!”

 

“I think that you have sex with men because you want to feel like you’re better than your father.”

 

“I am better than him.”

 

“And how do you feel after you’ve had sex?”

 

“I feel like I had sex.”

 

“Not with your body. What’s the first emotion you feel after you finish?”

 

“Uh… Satisfaction I guess… Happy?”

 

“And do you feel anything for the other guy?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Would you like to know what I feel after I’ve had sex with someone I don’t love? Disgust. I just want to take a shower and wash his scent off of me.”

 

“Yeah…” Dustin said.

 

“If I’ve been with someone I truly love, I could lay there all night with his sweat and scent all over me. I might not even shower until the next morning so I can feel his essence on me a little longer. Have you ever felt that way about a man?”

 

Dustin thought. “Maybe once,” he replied.

 

“Don’t you think that’s unusual? Of all the sex you’ve had you’ve really only felt love once, maybe? Maybe it’s not that you’re gay, maybe you’re just afraid to love someone so you hide behind your numbers.”

 

“It’s just sex.”

 

“Yes, you’re right! It’s just sex. People do it every day. It can be random and meaningless. It feels good for a moment and then it’s over. Sex isn’t love. Love means you could just lie naked next to each other all night and not want to get dressed a minute after orgasm. We’re not that different Dustin. We both use sex to get what we were never given when we were children. No, my father never hit me, but he never let me become my own person. He controlled everything in my life, so that I never learned how to do anything on my own. I failed because he failed me my whole life. I think because you never experienced love as a child you don’t know how to handle it. You treat sex like a game, always keeping score. It’s childish.”

 

“See, this is why I don’t fuck girls. You just don’t understand. Guys can just fuck without dealing with all this emotional bullshit. Girls want to have all these special feelings. It’s just fucking. That’s all it is.”

 

“But it should be so much more than that!”

 

“Okay. Sure. You want to fuck and prove it?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Look, you wore that teddy for a reason. You didn’t want to talk about philosophy, you wanted to experience what your brother did. You wanted to prove you were better than him.”

 

“I never said I didn’t have issues with sex too, Dustin. I’m almost as screwed up as you are. I think the two of us could have amazing sex, but I think it would be a big mistake. It wouldn’t be love, it’d just be two bodies bumping together. I want more than that. I’ve never been able to have this kind of conversation with someone before.”

 

“Why’d you wear the teddy then?”

 

“Because I wanted you to make love to me. But…”

 

“Okay, that was before you found out how fucked up I really am. You wanted to get fucked, but now you don’t because you know me better than you did before?”

 

“I don’t know. I mean, I do want to. I just think it would be a mistake.”

 

“I’ve made lots of mistakes.”

 

“I just…”

 

“Look, the two of us are never going to be anything more than acquaintances as best. I’m a river rat and you live in a house like this. The most we can be is what we already are. It’s not like we’re going to ruin our relationship. This is our relationship. So why keep talking? Why not do what we do best?”

 

Dustin slid his hand up from Sarah’s knee to her inner thigh. She didn’t stop him. His hands found the place between her legs easily. It was ready and moist. “Yeah,” Dustin said. His fingers sank into her.

 

“The logic behind this is crazy. We really shouldn’t.”

 

“Then tell me to stop.”

 

“I don’t want to stop,” she said. She reached for his zipper. Dustin had been this far with a girl before. His dick strained against the cloth of his underwear. Sarah dropped her knees on the floor between his legs and removed his pants and underwear. Dustin’s dick sprung free, mostly firm but not at full power. Sarah grabbed hold of him and began to gently kiss up and down the length of his cock. Dustin pulled her to her feet and slid the teddy from her body. His shirt followed it to the floor. They held each other in a naked embrace, kissing each other passionately. Dustin gently fondled Sarah’s firm breasts.

 

Both of them kept waiting for the other to say no, to stop this crazy idea. Sarah led Dustin to lay on the bed and the stroking and fondling grew more urgent and intense. She led Dustin’s fingers to explore her dripping pussy. Soon his fingers were covered in her juices. Before either of them knew what was happening, she was sucking his dick and he was eating her pussy. For being his first time, Dustin must have been doing something right because Sarah was begging for more. She gave up all hope of keeping up and rolled onto her back and guided Dustin to feast on her eager pie. His tongue took her to places of bliss she’d only ever managed to find with a vibrator and she screamed in pleasure.

 

“Make love to me,” she begged.

 

Dustin jumped to his knees and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Sarah grabbed his cock and led him into her. He sank easily, yet slowly into her body. He pushed her legs up toward her chest and watched his cock sink into her pussy. He began to rock his hips firmly against her, their bodies colliding more and more rapidly. The harder he gave it the more Sarah seemed to enjoy it. Dustin’s big cock was hitting the perfect place within her, and his expert movements caused her to scream in ecstasy as he gave her yet another orgasm. He sped up the tempo even more and he could feel the powerful rush of hormones filling his mind and body. His dick felt like lightning, as their bodies thundered toward climax.

 

“I’m gonna cum,” he announced. He thrust himself firmly as deep as he could root himself inside her and let loose a torrent of his seed into her. Sarah could only whimper as she rode the orgasmic wave to its conclusion.

 

Dustin rolled off of her and the two of them lay there for a moment, catching their breath.

 

“Holy shit…” Dustin sighed.

 

“Mmmm… You can say that again,” Sarah sighed. “I haven’t been fucked like that in years. You are incredible.”

 

“Yeah,” Dustin replied. As exciting as the moment had been, he was already beginning to regret it.

 

“So how do I compare to Kenny?” she asked.

 

Dustin smiled. He hated to tell her she didn’t compare to her brother. So he lied. “Oh, you are so much better than him.”

 

“You liar,” Sarah laughed.

 

“Yeah,” Dustin sat up and crossed his legs. “Sorry. You really need a penis to be able to compare with him. Sorry, guess I really am gay.”

 

“That’s no reason to be sorry. You like what you like, Dustin. I will give you this though, you are an amazing lover, even if girls aren’t your thing. Your cock is the perfect size and you know what to do with it. You can fuck me anytime.” She sat up and kissed him. “Did you enjoy it?”

 

“That’s an understatement.”

 

“Well good. I hope it took your mind off your troubles.”

 

“I guess… Hey, you’re on the pill right?”

 

Sarah smiled. “If I was worried I wouldn’t have let you fill me up like that.”

 

“Okay,” Dustin said. “Where’d you throw my pants?”

 

As they walked to the door, Sarah had wrapped a bathrobe around herself, intending to shower soon after Dustin left. Both of them felt like they needed to say something more to the other, but it had been so much easier to talk before they’d had sex than after. When they reached the door, Sarah pulled Dustin into an embrace and kissed him.

 

“You’re not your father, Dustin.”

 

“I know,” Dustin replied. It had been so easy to talk to her before, but now he felt awkward. “Thanks for tonight. I’m glad we talked. Uh, thanks for the great fuck.”

 

Sarah smiled. “Any time.”

 

Dustin started his bike and rode home. It had felt good to talk to Sarah. He never would have expected that. He’d always thought she was a conceited bitch, but she had listened and they had a good conversation. Dustin hadn’t felt so understood by someone in a long time. He wished he hadn’t had sex with her though. He felt like he’d ruined a good thing. He cursed himself for letting his cock do his thinking for him once again.

 

He was still thinking about it as he walked down the hallway past Mr. Johnston’s room toward his apartment. He stopped in front of Mr. Johnston’s door. He sighed and then knocked. After a moment Mr. Johnston appeared in the doorway.

 

“I don’t want any trouble, Red,” he said.

 

“I know. I just wanted to apologize. I’m sorry I yelled at you. As you can see, I had a bad day.”

 

“It’s okay, Red. Is there anything I can do?”

 

“Yeah. If you happen to see a guy who kind of looks like a smaller, drunken, angry version of me hanging around, can you have Craig shoot him for me?”

 

“I’ll do what I can,” Mr. Johnston replied. “By the way, you left your cell phone in your apartment. It rang a couple times while you were out.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Dustin went into his apartment and checked his phone. He didn’t recognize the number, but they’d left a message so he checked his voicemail and listened to the message.

 

“Hey Dustin. This is Reilly. Hey… Um, Billy’s in the hospital. He’s got a pretty bad kidney thing going on and they’re going to keep him for a day or so here in Allegheny General. I knew if I didn’t tell you you’d probably find out and get mad that I didn’t. Anyway, you can call me back if you want. I think he’d like to see you. It’s been way too long. Anyway, call me.”

 

Dustin sighed. “Guess it’s time to stop running,” he said to himself.