Storms - 19. Michael

For a moment I thought I must still be asleep, dreaming. But Daniel’s lips were soft, and his breath was warm. I couldn’t help myself. I pulled him closer, and I kissed him back, moving my lips against his. He responded immediately, and when I opened my mouth, so did he, so that I could slide my tongue inside. His breath was terrible, but I didn’t care, couldn’t care, because I was finally kissing him, and to me he tasted sweet.

The kiss deepened and intensified, and I felt my heart pound in my chest. The sweet taste of his mouth turned salty, and he put his arm around my waist, caressing the skin of my back with his fingertips. Then he sobbed audibly, and I pulled back a bit to look at him. He looked sort of overwhelmed, and I kissed away the tears on his cheeks. I wanted to tell him, through those kisses, everything I was scared to say out loud. I think he understood, because he found my lips again and kissed me harder.

Afterwards, we lay still in the semi-darkness. I had my arms around him, nuzzling the top of his head. I didn’t speak, and neither did he, but the silence felt comfortable. Comforting.

After a long while, Daniel finally spoke. ‘So . . . What happens now?’

I shifted a bit so I could look into his hazel eyes. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean . . . Everything.’ He fidgeted a little. ‘My memory from last night is a bit fuzzy, but I do remember what I . . . That I accidentally . . .’

‘That you told me about Loz,’ I finished darkly. ‘Yeah, I remember. Death would be too good for that fucker. What he’s put you through—’

Daniel shook his head. ‘It’s not like that, though. It’s . . . It’s complicated.’

‘Danny, he raped you!’

‘I’m okay,’ he said in a small voice.

‘Like bloody hell you are! Don’t pretend with me, Danny. This is the one place where you should never have to pretend.’

Daniel nodded. ‘Yeah, all right, so I’m not okay. But this, what’s happened to me . . . I mean, let’s face it, it is nothing compared to what other kids go through every day. At least I have a home. Food and shelter . . . And you,’ he added, looking embarrassed at his own boldness, and I hugged him tighter.

‘Bloody right you do,’ I murmured into his hair. ‘But you can’t put a first world problem label on this, Danny. No one should have to go through the kind of stuff you have.’

‘Well, it’s not like it’s anything new.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m used to violence and threats. I’m used to pain.’

I rubbed circles into his shoulder with my thumb. ‘D’you want to tell me about it?’

He nodded. ‘I’ve never actually told anyone, so . . . Yeah. I think I do.’ He met my eyes again. ‘It’s a lot. I won’t blame you if you don’t want to hear it all.’

‘Well, I want to,’ I said firmly and kissed his forehead. ‘I want to know anything you want to tell me. I can handle it.’

‘All right,’ he said. ‘Well, I already told you that I don’t know who my dad was. Mum was sixteen when I was born. She left home when she found out she was pregnant. I’ve never met or spoken to my grandparents. Pretty sure they disowned her.

‘Mum ran off to London, but she really couldn’t take care of herself at all . . . So she had boyfriends. She was pretty and young, so it can’t have been hard to find guys who’d take her in. The first few years I don’t know much about. I was too young to remember. But when I was four we lived with this one guy who used to lock me in the closet while they shagged. Mum was taking too many drugs at that point to even notice, I think. I think the guy was a drug dealer. I remember being terrified of him . . . Used to piss myself whenever I saw him. Don’t know if he ever actually hurt me. All I remember is being trapped in that closet, in the dark. Sometimes they just . . . left me in there. Forgot I was there.’

He spoke in such a calm, matter-of-fact tone that I could hardly believe he was recounting his own memories, but I kept quiet and listened.

‘When I was about seven or eight, Mum had her act together a bit more, and she had a job. Worked night shifts a lot. But she was still a loser magnet, and she had this one boyfriend who moved in with us. He was supposed to watch me while she was at work, but instead he’d drink and smoke pot. Sometimes he had friends over. On a good night, he’d just ignore me. But then, on a not so good night, he’d shout at me, make fun of me, threaten me . . . He threw a bottle at my head once. And then, sometimes, he’d beat me, just for shits and giggles. Not really cause I’d done anything wrong. Just because he could.

‘The next boyfriend was an utter train wreck. He’d lock me in the bathroom while he snorted coke or shot up heroin in the front room. Sometimes he’d just forget about me. Other times, he’d come in for a piss, discover I was there, and smack me for being in the way.’

He took a breath, and I kissed him on the forehead. I wanted to cry, but I kept it in for him, waiting for him to continue.

‘I think all Mum’s boyfriends beat her,’ he went on. ‘I doubt she’s ever been in a normal relationship, so she somehow thinks that’s okay. In a way, the worst of them was my stepdad, though. I was about ten when they got married. It happened pretty quickly. They met, fell in love, the whole fairytale deal, is what Mum thought. It started small, with him just picking at everything she did, wanting her to do things just a bit differently. Then he’d start shouting abuse at her, tell her she was fat, and she’d stop eating and drop lots of weight, and it would never be enough.

‘Then he’d get physical and beat the stuffing out of her. He broke her down completely, wrecked her self-esteem. Told her no one else would want her, that he was stuck with her, and what a nice bloke he was for sticking with such an ugly bitch. It would all end in a huge physical fight when she finally lost it, and then he’d promise to get better, and she would believe him.

‘Four years, it went on. Every time she’d been out, he’d question her, accuse her of shagging other blokes. And when she wasn’t home, he’d take it out on me. He didn’t beat me often, but enough. I made the mistake once of trying to stick up for her. That time he dragged me into the bathroom, stripped me down and lashed me with his belt before locking me in there so he could give her a thrashing in the next room.

‘After, Mum told me it was my fault for “disrespecting my father”. I told her he wasn’t my father, and then she hit me. Only time she ever did, though. Just smacked me upside the face. Nothing painful . . . But it hurt that she did it. On the inside, I mean.

‘He’d discipline me when I did poorly in school, too. And she just . . . let him. I think that was what hurt the most. She let him hurt me. I guess she was scared.’ He took a deep breath and looked up at me. I realised I had tears in my eyes, and I swallowed a sob, stroking his back to urge him to go on.

‘Anyway,’ he continued, ‘you’d think after all that she’d eventually choose to leave him, but in the end he’s the one who left her. He’d been shagging some twenty-year-old for a while, and one day he just kicked us out. They’re not actually divorced yet. Just separated. I actually think Mum’s still waiting for him to take her back.’ He let out a sigh. ‘If anyone knew about all this, they’d take me away from her. And, as much as I love her, I’m not sure I’d actually mind. I’m pretty sure foster care would be better than this. But I don’t think she could manage without me.’

‘That shouldn’t be your concern,’ I told him. ‘She’s the grown-up. You’re the kid.’

‘Yeah, well it is,’ he mumbled. ‘She’s my mum. She’s all the family I’ve got.’

I hugged him tighter still, not knowing what else I could do.

‘I guess I can’t really remember ever being happy,’ he said after a while.

‘Well,’ I murmured, ‘maybe that, at least, I can do something about.’

I kissed him again, softly and tenderly, and he relaxed in my arms, letting out a soft sigh of what could almost pass for contentment. Then he broke the kiss and looked at me.

‘Are . . . Are you doing this to comfort me?’

‘No,’ I told him truthfully. ‘I mean, yeah, I want to comfort you, but I also really want to kiss you. As much as possible. I’ve kind of wanted to kiss you for a while.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

Daniel’s face split into a grin that was almost too big for it, and then a laugh bubbled forth. ‘I’m sorry,’ he giggled. ‘It’s just . . . It’s kind of funny cause . . .’

‘Cause you like me too?’

‘Well, yeah, that too, but cause I was so afraid that you’d, you know . . . find out. That I was gay.’

‘Well, I’m not sure how to tell you this,’ I said seriously, ‘but I’m pretty sure I am too.’

He laughed. ‘For a bit there, I wondered if maybe you and Jasper were actually together . . .’

It was my turn to laugh. ‘No, that was definitely a joke. We, er, we did kiss, though. At Trev’s party a few weeks ago. No one actually saw it, it was a mock seven minutes in heaven thing playing truth or dare, and it just kind of happened. It’s when I figured out for sure that I was gay, I guess. We’re just friends, though. I don’t . . . I don’t have any feelings for him.’ It was really important to me that Daniel didn’t think there had ever been anything more between Jasper and me, for some reason.

Daniel smiled. ‘That’s good.’ But then his grin vanished and he bit his lip.

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘Do you . . . I mean, do you wanna . . .’ He looked up at me, searching my face for something. ‘Do you want to have sex? With me?’

I licked my lips, considering my answer. I would be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. I did want him. Even now, though I wasn’t fully hard, I was definitely turned on, as any red-blooded sixteen-year-old would be from being kissed by his crush.

I opted for honesty. ‘Yes. I think you’re adorable, and I like you a lot, and let’s be honest, I’m a teenager. It would be kind of weird if I didn’t want to. But that’s a choice you have to make. I mean, you’re not even fifteen, are you? This whole thing, us, anything we do or don’t do . . . You’re in charge, okay? It’s your show. I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and I’ll wait. As long as I have to. And if you decide you never want to, well . . . We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I don’t like you because I want to have sex with you. I like you because you’re you.’

He nodded, and then he hugged me. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

‘What for?’

‘Everything. Being my friend. Wanting to look out for me. No one’s ever done that for me before. No one’s ever . . .’ He seemed to hesitate. ‘No one’s ever cared about me. Not really. Not enough that it mattered. And you . . . You come along and you make everything better just by existing and then, now . . .’ He trailed off, as if he’d simply run out of words to adequately express what he was feeling.

‘You don’t need to thank me for anything,’ I said softly. ‘This isn’t a one-way street. And you don’t owe me anything.’

‘Are you kidding?’ Daniel looked up at me again with glistening hazel eyes. ‘I owe you my life.’

* * *

We must have fallen asleep after that, because the next thing I knew, sunlight was streaming in through a crack in my curtains, and Daniel was snoozing in my arms again. I nuzzled the top of his head, and he woke up, looking up at me, bleary-eyed.

‘Morning,’ I murmured. ‘You feeling okay?’

He seemed to consider for a moment. ‘Yeah, I think so. I mean, I threw it all up last night, so like you said . . .’

I nodded and glanced at my alarm clock. ‘It’s already eleven. You probably slept through your hangover.’

He looked up at me, eyes flitting down to my lips and back up to my eyes. He looked hesitant, like he somehow worried that I wouldn’t want to kiss him again. So I slowly and gently brought my lips to his, and felt him sigh softly, breath tickling my upper lip and back rising and falling in my arms.

I wanted to stay like that forever, and it took every ounce of willpower I had to tear myself away. ‘I should go check on the damage from last night.’

Daniel cast down his eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’

I frowned. ‘What are you sorry for? You’ve done nothing wrong, Danny. You have nothing to apologise for. You didn’t even provoke them, for fuck’s sake. Besides, I didn’t just mean the bathroom door. The house was full of teenagers last night, it’ll be a hell of a mess.’

I pecked him on the lips and got out of bed, finding some clothes to wear and getting dressed. He watched me the entire time, this strange look on his face, as though he couldn’t quite believe what had happened. ‘You hungry?’ I asked. ‘I’ll bring you something to eat. You can just stay here and rest.’

‘Okay,’ he said softly and lay back on the pillow.

Now that I was standing up, I felt a headache coming on. I went over to the bed and kissed Daniel’s forehead, and then I went off in search of Liz and an aspirin.

I found the former in the kitchen, with Jamal, who gave a wave when he saw me. He’d clearly stayed over, and I wondered if they were seeing each other.

‘How’s your friend?’ he asked. ‘That was fucked up, what those guys did to him.’

‘Jamal told me what happened when I got back from Julie’s. Was it Daniel who got . . . whom it happened to? Is he okay?’

I nodded. ‘It was Daniel. He’s okay. Kind of shaken, though. Thanks for helping out, Jamal.’ The kitchen smelled like bacon, and it almost made me hungry. Almost. I got an aspirin out of the cupboard, filled a glass of water, sat down and looked around the kitchen. It looked neat and tidy. ‘Did you guys clean up?’

Liz nodded. ‘Seemed like you had more important things to worry about.’

‘Thanks. That’s really nice of you.’ I swallowed down the aspirin. ‘What about the bathroom door? What’s the damage there?’

‘Not too bad,’ said Jamal. ‘The lock was kind of loose already, so the doorframe is mostly intact. What damage there is to the wood can be fixed, probably, though I don’t think the lock is salvageable. Might need to put a latch on the door instead.’

‘I can’t imagine Mum and Dad will be upset,’ Liz added. ‘I mean, they might be disappointed in your choice of friends, but . . .’

‘Patrick’s a classmate, not a friend.’ I stared down at my glass. ‘Fuck that guy, he can go straight to hell. I can’t believe he’d . . . Fuck him, and fuck all his friends, too.’

Liz reached over and ruffled my hair. ‘I love you for caring so much about your friends, you know that?’

I looked up and met her eyes, wondering whether I should share my thoughts. It only took a moment to make up my mind. She’d find out sooner or later anyway. ‘He’s not just a friend.’

She smiled. ‘I know, bear.’

‘I’m in love with him’

‘Knew that, too.’

‘We kissed.’ I felt myself blush.

‘Good for you.’ She smiled even wider.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up at Jamal. I’d almost forgotten that he was there. He was smiling, too. ‘Happy for you, mate. Liz and I kissed, too.’ His smile widened into a grin, and he looked positively giddy.

‘Oh. That’s awesome!’ And I really did think so. Jamal was nice. And Liz deserved someone nice. Her last boyfriend had been a dick. ‘I should get some breakfast for Daniel.’

‘Bacon and scrambled eggs on the cooker,’ said Liz, indicating with her thumb. ‘There’s coffee, too. Does he drink coffee?’

I nodded. ‘Yeah, I’ll bring some of that, too.’

When I returned to my room, Daniel was snoozing again, but he woke up at the sound of the door closing. I brought the tray to the bed and sat next to him, legs outstretched. ‘You hungry?’

‘I can eat,’ he said, and picked up a fork. I had piled the plate high with what was left, and brought two forks, so we could share. ‘Ooh, is that coffee?’ He reached for the mug and took a sip.

‘Yup.’ I smiled. ‘Thought you might like some. Drink some water, too, though.’ I nodded towards the two large glasses on the tray. ‘Coffee dehydrates you, and you really need to hydrate after yesterday.’

Daniel looked up at me with that grin that was too big for his face. ‘Thank you. You’re so nice to me.’ He put some bacon in his mouth and began to chew.

‘Of course I am. I care about you.’ I hesitated. ‘I have feelings for you. A lot of them, actually.’

Daniel swallowed and licked his lips. He glanced sideways at me. ‘Yeah. Me too.’

I kissed him. He tasted like bacon grease and coffee, and I smiled into the kiss. It was more eager than I had intended, and it was hard to pull away. When I did, I’m pretty sure I was blushing a bit, and I turned my attention to the food.

‘Oh, by the way . . .’ I speared a piece of bacon on my fork. ‘I hope you don’t mind too much, but I told Liz. About us. She’s my sister and my best friend, and she’d’ve found out sooner or later anyway. She already knows I’m gay, so . . .’ I knew I was rambling.

Daniel squeezed my hand. ‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘I trust you, and you trust her, so . . .’

‘Amy knows too, kind of. She knows I like you, anyway. Figured it out on her own. She’s sharper than I ever gave her credit for . . . So, I guess it’s time I come out to the rest of them, too. But you don’t have to. If you’d rather we keep this to ourselves for now, that’s totally fine. But. I’d like for this to continue. If you do.’

‘I do,’ Daniel confirmed. ‘And if you want to tell them, that’s okay too. I . . . I trust them.’

‘I want to be your boyfriend.’ I felt my face heat up as I said it, heart racing in my chest.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at Daniel, but I felt him move next to me, and then he kissed my cheek, and whispered, ‘I’d really, really love that.’ I met his gaze again, and brought my lips to his once more. He was so soft, every part of him. Whatever else happened, I knew that I just wanted to be with him.