Storms - 32. Michael

I never was a violent person. I didn’t have to be. I was naturally tall and strong, I enjoyed playing ball almost as much as I enjoyed video games. I’d go running a couple of evenings a week (though I hadn’t so much lately, not since Daniel happened). I looked like I could take you in a fight, and so I never had to because no one ever tried anything, and I had no desire of starting anything myself. Violence never solved anything.

It was a testament to my anger, therefore, that when I saw Patrick in Additional Science Monday morning, I wanted to beat the shit out of him. I wanted to introduce his face to my fist and refresh the bruise around his eye and nose that had almost healed in the two weeks he’d been away. I wanted to hurt him.

I didn’t. And when he saw me, he got this look on his face, like he was afraid I might do exactly what I had just imagined doing. So I decided to talk to him instead. He looked terrified when I approached him, and that gave me no small amount of pleasure.

‘Hey,’ I said, my mouth set in a thin line.

Patrick swallowed. ‘Hey.’ His friends backed away. They seemed to try to blend into the background to keep out of the line of fire.

I didn’t waste time on preamble. ‘What you did was just about the sickest thing I have ever seen anyone do. And not in the good way. You know that?’

Patrick nodded. ‘Yeah. I know. I was . . . I was a twat.’ I hadn’t expected the sincerity in his voice and was slightly taken aback for a moment. ‘I dunno . . . Dunno what I was even thinking. Honestly, when I realised that snap had spread all over school, I didn’t know what to do and . . . the beating I took was kind of a wake-up call.’

‘This something you’re saying cause you’re scared of another beating?’ I cocked an eyebrow.

Patrick shook his head and looked away. ‘Nah, mate. Just . . .’ He worked his jaw for a moment, his tongue flicked out to wet his lips. I crossed my arms, waiting for the rest of what he was gonna say. ‘It was fucked up. Like you said, it was sick. Who does that? I mean, me, clearly. I was hammered, that probably didn’t help, but . . .’ He shook his head again. ‘I dunno what to say. Not sure if anything I say can even change anything, but . . .’ He looked up at me again. ‘Will you tell him I’m sorry?’

I pursed my lips. Then I said, ‘I’ll consider it.’

He nodded. ‘Yeah. Thanks. More than I deserve, that.’

* * *

We were sitting at dinner when Oliver approached us all. Julie was home with a cold, but the rest of us were chatting and waiting for Daniel to show up. ‘Hey, guys. Thought you’d like to know that Dan ran off before PE and didn’t come back. Not sure what happened, but . . . He probably went home with Griffiths, cause he didn’t turn up either, we got a temp.’

Cold dread filled my chest then. Loz was returning to school today, same as Patrick. Had something happened? Had he done something again? I looked around, but couldn’t see him anywhere. That same violent rage rose up in me. I wanted to find him and kill him. Instead, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and typed out a text.

Oliver says you went home. You okay?? x

‘Thanks, Oliver,’ I said. ‘Thanks for telling me.’

‘No worries.’ He glanced around him, and then he sat down in the chair we had been saving for Daniel and leaned close. ‘Listen . . . Daniel said he was out to you guys. And don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m pretty sure . . . I mean you and him, you’re together, right?’

I blinked. I hadn’t expected the question. Were we that obvious, or was Oliver just unusually observant? Maybe it didn’t matter. I nodded.

‘Thought so. Anyway, he seemed really freaked out, whatever was going on. Like he was fine and then he just bolted. So, when you talk to him, just . . . give him my best, okay? I’m worried about him, so . . . Take care of him.’

‘Yeah. I will. Thanks, Oliver. Really.’

Oliver nodded once, and then he stood and walked away.

‘Nice guy, that one,’ said Amy.

I smiled. ‘Yeah, him and his friends have really come through for Danny. They’re good people.’

It took a few minutes for Daniel to answer. Yeah. No. Not really. Come over after school and I’ll tell you.

I hesitated. Then I wrote, Is this about Loz?

Yeah, came the reply. Don’t want to talk about it now. I’ll tell you later, k?

Okay. I’ll see you after school. xoxo

The rest of the day was torture. I couldn’t focus on anything, just knew I had to go and be with Daniel and take care of him. I knew Griffiths and Lewis were already doing that, but I needed to. He was my boyfriend. I was in love with him. I’d never felt this way before, and he deserved so much better than what he’d got so far.

As soon as the school day was over, I headed to Griffiths’s house. It had started to snow again, and it was cold enough that it stayed on the ground. I nearly ran and made it in record time, barely managing to type a text to Liz telling her where I was going. When I got there I rang the doorbell, though I wanted to just tear open the door and run inside. Thankfully, it didn’t take long before Griffiths let me in.

‘Michael. Come on in. Danny said you were coming.’

‘Is he okay?’ I asked, not even managing a polite greeting.

‘Mostly.’ Griffiths looked grim. ‘He’ll be okay, anyway. He wants to see you. He’s in his room.’

‘Okay. Thanks.’ I took a step towards the stairs, but Griffiths grabbed my shoulder.

‘You knew. Didn’t you? About Loz, about the—’ He cut himself off, working his jaw. He looked angry, but his voice was calm. I hesitated a moment.

‘Yes,’ I said finally.

‘Why didn’t you tell anyone?’ he hissed. ‘You should have told someone, so we could help him!’

‘Don’t you think I wanted to?’ I shook off his hand. ‘He asked me not to. He f—he begged me, okay? I couldn’t betray his trust like that. I told him he should tell someone.’

‘You still could have—’

‘Stephen.’ Lewis stepped out of the front room. ‘It’s not Michael’s fault.’

Griffiths shuddered slightly, and then he turned to Lewis and I heard him take a shaky breath. Lewis put his arms around him, hugged him close. ‘It’s not your fault, either,’ he said softly. He looked at me. ‘You go upstairs, Michael. Danny needs you.’

I didn’t need telling twice, though I felt sort of bad for Griffiths. Casting a final glance at him and his husband, I could tell that the former was crying, his back and shoulders shaking. It was odd to see him that way, but then, in the past week I had learned a lot about who he was. He wasn’t just my teacher anymore.

I ascended the stairs and knocked on Daniel’s door. ‘Danny? It’s me.’

‘Come in.’ He sounded tired. I opened the door. Daniel was lying curled up on the bed in his pyjamas. He smiled when he saw me. ‘Hey. I’m glad you’re here.’

Crossing the room, I sat down on the bed next to him and stroked his cheek and his hair. ‘You okay?’

Daniel nodded. ‘Yeah. Kind of. Better.’ He took my hand. ‘Lie down with me?’

I did as he asked, kicking off my boots and climbing up on the bed. I lay down facing him, and he buried his face in my chest, taking a deep breath through his nose. I put my arms around him and kissed his forehead. ‘What happened?’ I asked softly.

‘Saw Loz. In the changing rooms at school. He . . . hadn’t been around earlier so I thought maybe he wasn’t even coming.’ Daniel sighed. ‘I ran. I couldn’t see him without . . . not in there. It was too much. I ran straight into Stephen. We talked and he sent me home.’

‘You told him about Loz.’

‘I told him some of what’s been going on. Didn’t tell him it was Loz, not . . . not then. Lewis came and picked me up. I told him . . . the rest. And who it was. And when Stephen came home, we told him too.’ He played with the hem of my sweatshirt. His voice was thick when he spoke next. ‘I wish I hadn’t told him. He . . . he blames himself and it’s not his fault.’ A sob shook his body, and I held him closer, stroking his back.

‘I know. He . . . I saw, downstairs. Lewis is looking after him.’

‘And you’re looking after me,’ Daniel murmured. He raised his gaze to meet mine. I leaned down and kissed him softly.

‘Always,’ I said. ‘And it’s a good thing you told them. Now they can help you.’

Daniel nodded, and then he brought his lips to mine. His kiss was hard and needy, his lips parted as he sought out my tongue. I kissed him back, pulled him closer still, and when he rolled over on his back and pulled at my shoulder so I’d follow, I rolled on top of him, kissing him deeper.

‘Will you . . . would you take your top off?’ he breathed against my lips. ‘I just, I want to feel . . . your skin.’

I pulled back a bit and searched his face. ‘You sure you want that?’

He gave me a half smile. ‘It’s not like I haven’t seen you without your shirt on before. I’ll . . . I’ll take mine off, too. I don’t want . . . it’s not like that, I just want to . . .’ He fell silent, chewing his lip.

Sitting up, thighs on either side of Daniel’s waist, I pulled off my sweatshirt and the t-shirt underneath. I felt oddly self-conscious. Daniel was right, he’d seen me without my shirt on loads of times. It really was nothing new. Now, though, it felt a lot more intimate, somehow.

He sat up as well, and I scooted back a bit. He smiled shyly and pulled his t-shirt off. Daniel looked up at me with his wide hazel eyes, put his arms around me, and pulled me closer so we were skin to skin. He lay down, and I followed so I was on top of him again. His skin was so warm. There were things I wanted that we were in no way ready to do, him especially. But I could kiss him, so I did. He kissed me back, and then he kissed my cheek, and my neck, and it was utterly impossible to prevent my body from reacting to that, along with his soft hands caressing the skin of my back. His body reacted, too. We both ignored it. It so wasn’t time for that yet, especially right now.

Kissing him was enough. Feeling his body against mine was enough. Being with him, it was enough.

We lay together like that for a long time, and then I rolled off and lay down next to him, just cuddling him for a good half hour. At some point, he fell asleep and I pulled the covers over us both before dozing off for a little while, too.

I was roused by a knock at the door, and then it opened, Lewis stepping inside the room. I blinked a few times before I realised that Daniel and I were both naked from the waist up, and that as far as Lewis could tell we had no clothes on at all.

‘We didn’t do anything!’ I blurted, before I could think properly. ‘We were just—’

Lewis smiled. ‘It’s all right. You’re allowed to be affectionate, Michael.’

Daniel yawned and rolled over onto his back. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured. ‘Got sleepy.’ His gaze shifted to Lewis, and then his expression changed into what I assumed was an approximation of how I had looked a moment ago. He sat up hurriedly. ‘Lewis! We’re not, we’re wearing clothes . . .’

This time, Lewis laughed. ‘Tea’s almost ready. Get dressed and come downstairs and eat, okay?’

I felt myself blush bright red as he closed the door. Daniel lay back and covered his face with his hands. ‘That was so embarrassing!’ he whined.

We glanced at each other, and then we both burst out laughing. ‘“We’re wearing clothes”,’ I said. ‘You actually said that!’

‘You should see your face,’ Daniel giggled. ‘You’re so red! So happy I don’t blush . . .’

‘You do, actually,’ I told him. ‘Sort of. Not your face, but the back of your neck turns sort of reddish when you’re embarrassed, like now.’ I smiled. ‘It’s cute.’

He looked away shyly, a small smile playing on his lips. Then his face grew serious, and he sighed. ‘I’m probably staying home again tomorrow.’

‘You should,’ I said. ‘You need some time. Going to see your shrink again on Wednesday?’

Daniel nodded. ‘Yeah. Guess we’ll have a lot to talk about.’

‘So, what’s gonna . . .’ I hesitated. ‘Are you, like, going to the police?’

He shook his head. ‘I told them no. I don’t want to. The school can deal with this. It’s not . . . it’s fucked up, but I don’t think he’ll do it again. I don’t think he wants to. The look on his face today, he just seemed really freaked out. I think he . . . I mean, he can get better. I think he gets it now. They’ll expel him, probably. I asked Stephen to leave it until tomorrow. Lewis agrees, says he’s still too worked up. Not like Loz is going anywhere.’

‘Only you, Danny.’ I shook my head in disbelief. ‘Only you could feel compassion for that bastard after . . .’ I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. ‘He doesn’t deserve it.’

Daniel shrugged. ‘It’s not about deserving it. I need to let this go, too. Stephen and Lewis, they could inform the police if they wanted to, as my guardians, no matter how I feel about it, but I’ve asked them not to. He’s . . . I mean, he’s fifteen. He can be better.’

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I kissed him again, and we got out of bed and put our shirts on. It was hard to process all of this. Daniel had sounded so calm, so sure that he didn’t want Loz charged. It was eerie. I had seen what Loz had done to him, had seen how it affected him, and knew it still affected him. I’d seen his panic attacks, his tears, his despair. Where was all that now? Locked away somewhere, no doubt. Along with his feelings about his stepfather and his mum’s old boyfriends. He was rationalising it.

Before we went downstairs I gave Daniel a lingering hug. ‘Do you realise how I feel about you? How much I care about you? I’m so in love with you I sometimes feel like it’ll kill me.’

He sighed against my shoulder. ‘Me too.’

‘It will get better,’ I promised. I wasn’t quite sure to what I was referring, but I knew I meant it. ‘All of it.’

Daniel pulled away and looked up at me with a small smile. ‘It already has.’

* * *

I was exhausted when I got home. Liz came out of the kitchen with a large cup of tea when she heard the front door close. ‘Hey, bear. Take it you’ve eaten at Daniel’s?’

I nodded. ‘Yeah.’

‘You okay?’

‘Yeah. Kind of. There’s . . . a lot going on just now, for Danny. It all sort of came to a head today, I guess.’ I grimaced.

‘Is Dan okay?’ she asked. She looked concerned. She cared about Daniel, too. I knew that. ‘Do you wanna tell me about it?’

‘Not just now,’ I said with a sigh. ‘I will, though. He’s been through a lot. He’s okay, all things considered.’ I yawned. ‘I’m tired. Think I’ll just head to bed.’

‘All right.’ She kissed my cheek. ‘Goodnight, bear.’

I went upstairs and entered my room. I was tired, but I felt too agitated to sleep. I was angry. Angry with Loz, angry with Patrick even though he’d apologised . . . And I was angry with myself. Mr. Griffiths had been right. I ought to have gone and told someone, or at the very least worked harder to make Daniel tell someone.

In my anger, I wanted to destroy something. I had felt like that a lot lately. It was just so unfair, all of it. I considered punching a pillow. Maybe find something I could break. But I’d read somewhere that that sort of thing just served to make people more violent. I didn’t want to be violent. There was enough violence in the world.

So I did the next best thing. I went over to my piano, put on a headset, and played. I sat there for at least an hour, playing through every classical piece I could accurately recall before moving on to some blues. I wasn’t much of a singer, so I didn’t do that, but it felt good to play. It felt like I could release something through all those notes and chords. It felt like I was going somewhere.

When I couldn’t think of anything more to play, I took off my headset and went for a shower. In spite of everything else, the memory of Daniel’s naked chest pressed against mine soon had me half hard, and so I decided to do something about it. It felt good, another release. I imagined doing this with him, being naked together, touching each other. It was getting harder and harder to ignore how much I wanted him. After I came I leaned my forehead against the tiles, breathing heavily. This would have to do, for now, or maybe forever. It didn’t matter.

I texted Daniel goodnight and went to bed, falling asleep almost immediately.