The Tribuo - 45. Part IV, chapter 17

- XVII -

18:25

EMMA

It was raining by the time I got to the bridge. I found it ironic. I couldn’t even cry lately, but the skies did it for me. After my little adventure with sleeping pills, I realized that I couldn't handle this anymore. I couldn't deal with my pathetic self any longer. Failed suicide attempt...? That’s what I am. One failed attempt. At everything. I thought and I thought until my head felt numb. Finally, I knew that I had to end it once and for all.

“Well,” my mother said in my head the minute I made my decision. “The world will be a better place without you, that’s for sure!”

This time, I agreed with her wholeheartedly.

…The bridge was closed down for repairs or something else. It worked out beautifully -- I was the only person there. I turned off my car and climbed out. It was raining pretty heavily by now, but I ignored it. I stepped over the 'Detour' sign and walked up to the rails. I looked down and winced when I saw how dark the water underneath the bridge was, and how far it was all of a sudden. I never realized it was such a distance… Well, the farther the better.

I leaned on the rails and stood still for a couple of minutes. I guess I was saying my goodbyes. I thought of Tara (“Bye, Tara… Sorry for everything…”), my father (“Bye, dad… I am sorry for doubting you, for not believing…”), even Russell (“Bye… I am sorry for throwing myself at you…”). I closed my eyes, and when I heard someone’s voice, I hiccupped from fright. For a second, I could’ve sworn that whoever it was, just said, “Are you deaf or simply rude?” I opened my eyes and whirled around.

“You okay?” he repeated patiently. “I saw your car… Thought that maybe you got stuck or something…”

I stared at him. Oh, God… Will this humiliation ever end? It was the same guy Russell was kissing in that coffee shop. I recognized him immediately, even though I didn’t get a very good look at him through the glass last night.

“I am…” I coughed. “I am fine…”

He nodded thoughtfully.

“Okay… I completely forgot that they closed the bridge,” he grinned. “And I have a whole bunch of ice-cream in the trunk that is melting as we speak… So you don’t need any help?”

“No,” I said shortly and turned away from him. Just go away, I thought. Let me be! Or not be, whatever.

“Do I know you?” he asked suddenly. “You look familiar…”

“I don’t think so,” I said without looking at him.

I waited for him to leave, but instead, he leaned on the rails next to me and looked down.

“You know,” he said suddenly. “I almost jumped off this bridge once…”

I turned my head so quickly, I practically felt something snap in my neck. Is this a joke? Is he making fun of me?! But he was just staring down at the darkness of the water beneath the bridge.

“A year and a half ago or so…” he said thoughtfully, and suddenly grinned. “Well, now I am glad I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you?” I asked in a hoarse voice.

He shrugged without looking at me.

“I guess one of the reasons was that I realized that the black stripe was going to end eventually… Nothing lasts forever, right?”

“What was the other reason?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“The other reason…” he sighed. “The other reason was that I also realized that if I did jump, then I would never be able to wake up and see his face again…” He glanced at me and gave me a crooked smile. “I hated the very thought, so I just went home.”

I looked down. “Nothing lasts forever,” he said. Is he right? Am I doing something that is beyond stupid because it is irreversible? Oh, God… Why, why, why did this guy have to show up here now? I’ve made up my mind, I was certain, and now… “The black stripe was going to end eventually,” he said. Will my black stripe end as well? My entire life was nothing but an endless black stripe. Does it mean that… I closed my eyes when I felt tears burning my cheeks when they crawled down like little drops of acid. That was when my phone started to ring. I opened my eyes and frowned. Weird, I thought I left it at home. I pulled it out of my pocket and flipped it open.

“Hello…” I muttered.

“Emma? Hey!”

It was Tara.

“Oh, hey…” I said and tried not to sniffle.

“Emma,” she said. “Look, I need to talk to you…”

“Okay,” I said numbly.

“Not on the phone,” she laughed nervously. “I am leaving tonight, so I just wanted to say goodbye…”

“Leaving…” I frowned.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “Something came up. Can I stop by your place later?”

“Sure…” I said and immediately bit my lip. Sure? What is wrong with me?

“Great,” she sounded so relieved that I frowned in confusion. “How about in an hour or so?”

I closed my eyes. I guess it’s a sign from God. Or Satan. But it’s a sign, all right…

“Yes,” I said finally. “That sounds good… I’ll make some tea.”

“That would be great,” she said sincerely. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye,” I said numbly and shut my phone.

I looked at the ice-cream guy who was looking down at the water again. He was taller than Russell, just a little. His hair was a dark mess that was ruffled by the wind. He looked at me and smiled.

“Well,” he said and got away from the rail. “I better go before my ice-cream melts…”

“Yeah…” I muttered and shoved my phone into my pocket.

Well, I thought I did. I missed the pocket and the phone fell into the puddle of rainwater. Me and the ice-cream guy went for it at the same time. I guess he just wanted to be nice, but the minute his hand touched mine, I had an impossibly-bright flashback. “Are you deaf or simply rude?” I heard in my head, and then I remembered the hand on my wrist just before he smacked me on the side of my head.

I gasped for air and backpedaled away from him so fast that I lost my balance. I couldn’t even think -- it was just blind panic that makes you run headfirst into roaring fire or off the cliff, just because you don’t even realize what the hell you are doing. The only emotion left in me was fear, and it was eating me alive.

“Hey!” he exclaimed, startled by my reaction. “God, are you okay? What’s wrong? Oh, Jesus, look out!”

I had no idea what he was talking about, and my brain didn’t even register his words. I knew one thing -- get away from this man. Now!

I slipped on something and fell on my butt. Then I ended up sliding towards the rails of the bridge, and then something happened. I guess the bridge really needed to be fixed, because all of a sudden, the rails moaned with vicious strain and came apart. Or maybe it was my fat butt that did it…

The ice-cream guy grabbed me by the arm, and my panic reached its boiling point. I screamed and tried pushing him away, but instead, we both ended up sliding off the damn bridge. It was almost funny how falling down wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. My last thought before I hit the water was, “I feel almost graceful…”