Under My Skin - 11. Part II, chapter 1

PART II

- I -

It’s been more than two months since Amber hung herself, and my numbness finally started to disappear. I was thinking of following Amber’s example for two or so weeks after her funeral, and I was so serious about it that it scared me. So I started drawing even more than I used to. I would go to school, go to work, and I would feel like I was on an autopilot, as if I was doing everything because someone programmed me. But then I would come back home and start drawing, and pain would lessen almost immediately. I could draw all night long, simply forgetting about sleep, and finally, Sam told me that if I didn’t start sleeping, I would probably kill someone when I passed out behind the wheel of my car. The thought was scary, and I started setting an alarm clock for my drawing sessions. I would set it for 2:30 in the morning, and once it went off, I would unwillingly put away my pencils and go to bed, where I would fall asleep almost instantly.

By the end of January, I applied to three different art colleges. Two of them were local, and the third one was in Arizona. Christy and I hung out less than we used to, because she would spend all her time with Alex. It was really bizarre, but ever since Amber’s funeral, I didn’t feel as crazy as I used to about Alex. I still found him incredibly attractive, and I would still long for him, but now it wasn’t the same desperate love that was torturing me since September.

I was really surprised when I never dreamt of Amber. I would dream of Alex, Christy, Sam, and even Matt, but never of Amber. It was as if God had finally decided to show some mercy and not torture me in my sleep. I was really grateful for that, and I started to say a short prayer every night before I went to bed. Somehow, it was making me feel better.

Sam and I talked a lot lately, and I felt really good after our conversations. I guess it was somewhat inevitable for us to end up in bed together, which happened on the last day of January, and there were no wine or drugs to blame. It just happened. I couldn’t believe how right and normal it felt to me. We were talking about something (I don’t even remember what it was right now), and then both of us fell silent at the same time, and the next thing I knew, his mouth was caressing mine, and my hands were all over him.

Then, some hazy time later, we ended up in his bedroom, and soon after that, we stripped each other somewhat hastily. I remember how badly my hands were shaking. It was weird, but the thought of Alex Landon hadn’t occurred to me even once. It was Sam I was seeing; it was Sam I was inhaling and tasting; it was Sam I craved right then.

After that happened, I was really afraid that things would get weird between us, but Sam just shrugged and said that nothing would change unless I started freaking out again. I laughed at that and was enormously relieved when nothing changed.

Life was slowly returning back to normal – or in my case, semi-normal – and on the second week of February, I almost believed that I finally got my redemption. Boy, was I wrong...