Under My Skin - 8. Part I, chapter 8

- VIII -

I was right. They made up on Friday of that week, and I almost started praying again when I became so depressed that nothing mattered anymore. Amber was wondering why I was so moody lately, and I kept telling her that it was because of the huge loads of homework, and the fact that I was trying to get more hours at work. It was almost the end of October and I got pretty good about the whole sex thing. Amber couldn’t believe how long I could last now, and I just smirked bitterly in my head. If she’d only known...

On the last week of October, Matt finally introduced me to Sam, and I liked the guy immediately. He was really friendly, soft-spoken, and he had a great sense of humor. He told me that I could move in on the first of November, and I was finally happy. I started getting all my stuff together that very day, and Christy laughed out loud when she heard me hum something softly.

“Can’t wait to get out of here, huh?” she asked, helping me to put away some books.

I smiled with embarrassment.

“Kinda,” I admitted. “I mean, I love it here! It’s just...” I sighed and Christy laughed.

“Don’t sweat it, Jake,” she said lightly. “I know what you mean. Plus, Sam is awesome. You guys will get along just fine, he is really easy to live with. I mean, my brother managed to live with him for almost two years while he went to college, and that is saying something!”

“Why?” I frowned and Christy snorted.

“My brother is impossible to live with,” she said with a grimace. “But Sam didn’t get mad at him even once! I probably would’ve killed him by the end of the first week.”

I laughed.

“Yeah, well... I hope I am easy to live with.”

“You are fine,” Christy grinned. “Hey, you can finally bring Amber to your place!”

“Yeah,” I muttered. “It would be funny if Sam’s girlfriend would be there at the same time... Orgy,” I sighed.

“Sam doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Christy said indifferently.

“Really?” I frowned. “Weird. He is what, Matt’s age?”

“He’s twenty-four, but that doesn’t matter,” she shrugged. “Sam’s gay.”

I dropped my books and winced when they landed on my toes.

“You okay?” Christy laughed.

“Sam’s gay?” I repeated numbly, and Christy sighed and straightened up.

“Yes,” she said patiently. “Why is it such a big deal to you?”

“You don’t find it weird?” I asked carefully.

“Weird?” Christy shook her head. “Why would I find it weird?”

“Well...” I mumbled. “It’s unnatural, and against God, and...”

“Are you for real?!” she stared at me in disbelief. “Unnatural? Against God...? Jesus, Summers! You never fail to amaze me... I thought you didn’t care about religion anymore.”

“Yeah,” I muttered. “I thought that too... I guess you can take the boy out of religion...”

“Pffft,” Christy said contemptuously. “Fine, then here is something for you... You agree that God made everything, right?”

“I guess,” I said carefully.

“Uh huh,” she nodded. “And you also believe that God does everything for a reason, right?”

“Yeah...”

“Well,” she shrugged. “You seriously don’t see where I am going...?” she sighed after I stared at her blankly. “Oh, man... Okay, Jake. If everything around us is God’s doing, that means that He...” she poked her finger towards the ceiling. “...created gays as well. And since there is always a reason and some kind of a divine plan, then I say that they are part of the great design, don’t you think? And how can it be unnatural or evil...” she grimaced. “...if everyone here is God’s creation? You get what I am saying?”

I stared at her silently. I never thought this way before. It made very scary and clear sense to me, and I thought that this was probably how heresy started in middle ages. Christy frowned.

“You okay?” she asked me with concern. “Jake, you are white... Summers...?”

“Chris...” I looked at her intently. “I am gay, Chris.”

I couldn’t believe this. I was not ready to say this! I didn’t plan on saying this! I was sure that I would never say this to anyone, not even the Pope himself. And then I just blurt it out? What is wrong with me?!

Christy stared at me.

“Is this a joke?” she said, and I just turned away from her, tears burning my eyes.

She slowly sat down on the bed.

“But...” she muttered. “You are with Amber... I mean, how... No, please don’t answer that,” she added quickly, and I almost laughed in spite of myself. “Are you sure, Jake...? I mean, maybe you just... I don’t know... Your brain is experimenting or something?”

I finally looked at her.

“Chris, I am in love with...” Nope, I will not say this. “With a guy,” I finished.

She looked at me with bewilderment.

“W-who?” she stuttered.

“Doesn’t matter,” I sighed and turned away again. “I got together with Amber, hoping that it would cure me, but...” I shrugged.

“Cure you?!” she got up and walked to me. “Jake, you are not sick... Look at me... Summers! Look at me!”

I sighed and turned towards her. She took my face in her palms.

“Jake,” she said softly. “You are not sick...”

“You don’t hate me?” I muttered, and she rolled her eyes.

“No,” she said with annoyance. “I would never hate you! Jake, it doesn’t change who you are! It doesn’t matter, don’t you see? Love is all that matters! If you love someone...” she shrugged. “...then it makes everything right.”

“That simple, huh...” I hemmed and she nodded.

“Yes. That simple.”

“Bailey, I love you...”

“I love you too,” she smiled and lightly kissed the tip of my nose.

I laughed softly and hugged her tightly, burying my face in her hair. We stood frozen in our silent embrace for several minutes, and then she pulled away and looked at me, her eyes twinkling.

“So,” she said smugly. “Who is it that you have a crush on?”

“No way,” I said, shaking my head. “I am not telling you!”

“Oh dear God!” her face suddenly became paler, and I thought, “Great! She figured it out...”

“It’s not Matt, is it?” she whispered, and I just started to laugh.

“Jesus, Chris!” I finally managed. “No!”

“Oh thank God,” she breathed with relief. “Matt is the worst person to fall in love with...” she shuddered.

“No,” I thought bitterly. “Your boyfriend is the worst person to fall in love with.”

“Does Amber know?” Christy frowned.

“No,” I said quickly. “Chris, nobody knows except for you, okay?”

“Oh, man...” she shook her head. “So when did you know? When were you sure?”

“On the third day of school,” I said gloomily, and she looked at me with reproach.

“And you never told me!” she said angrily.

“Bailey,” I sighed. “I couldn’t believe it myself, okay? It hit me like a train... Actually, I wanted to get hit by a train then...”

“Ugh,” she muttered. “Now I can see why you were so weird... Do your parents know?”

I shuddered.

“Oh dear God, no!!”

“How are your parents, by the way?” Christy climbed onto the bed. “I mean, it’s almost November... I seriously expected your dad to come here, like, a week after you moved. I mean, he’s your dad and all... And they live, like, next door...”

I snorted.

“I saw him in the store once,” I said. “He started muttering his prayer the minute he saw me. And then he was crossing himself like he just saw the devil incarnate...”

Christy laughed in disbelief.

“Wow,” she said. “What about your mother? Have you seen her?”

“No,” I shrugged. “I guess she found redemption and peace in her alcohol... Remember how wasted she was when we came to get my stuff?”

“Yeah,” Christy sighed. “This is so weird... Jake,” she looked at me seriously. “You have to tell Amber.”

I winced. She was right and I knew it, but the very idea was making me nauseous.

“No,” I said finally. “What’s the point? It’s not like I would just go ahead and find some guy and move with him to Hawaii...” I shrugged. “Plus, I like Amber.”

“Jake...” Christy sighed. “This isn’t right... You have to tell her.”

“Isn’t right?” I laughed. “Christy, there is nothing right about this whole thing! Seriously, I was thinking of hanging myself back in September! I would never tell anyone else about it! I know, I am being stupid, but I am so ashamed right now that...”

“Oh for crying out loud!” she interrupted me with an exasperated sigh. “Ashamed?!”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “It’ll probably pass, but I would never be able to just... Come out... I just can’t, Chris! And I’d much rather stay with Amber, ‘cause I like her, than try finding some other chick who I don’t care about!”

“What if she loves you?” Christy asked quietly, and I shrugged.

“Love makes everything right, doesn’t it? She’ll think that I love her too.”

“Ugh, Summers... You may be gay but you are still a pig,” she grimaced, and I smiled crookedly.

“I know,” I agreed. “I know... Hey, how are the things between you and Alex?”

Christy smiled and turned so pink that my knees almost buckled.

“Oh, Lord...” I muttered. “You and him...”

“Uh huh,” she nodded, and by now, she was almost bright-red. “We did.”

“And...?”

“I am not telling you,” she said, and I looked at her darkly.

“Bailey, I just told you that I am gay... Come on!”

“Fine,” she rolled her eyes. “Jake, it was amazing! Alex is unbelievable... He has such a great body that...”

Okay, I am sorry I asked. I wanted her to stop talking right this minute. I hated myself for feeling so jealous and angry towards her, but I couldn’t help myself. Every word that came out of her mouth was stabbing me in the heart with icy-cold needles. I couldn’t believe that after all this time, I was still so desperately in love with Alex Landon that I would sell my soul just to be loved by him, even for a day.