Goodnight and Godspeed - 7. Rafael Milner

“Oh, fuck—it really is you.”

“Oh, Rafe—I’m—I don’t—You—”

“Shhh. It’s okay. Good thing we’re doing this by phone.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Because when I try not to bawl my eyes out, I get one of the ugliest faces you would ever see. And you would run away again—and then—”

“Hey, I’m bawling my eyes out, too. How are you? What have you been up to? You’re in New York?”

“Jesus, you need to work on your interview skills, Grey.” Finally! Someone started to laugh. “Yes, I’m in New York. I’m one of the assistant stage managers for Hamilton. And yes, I ended up with a degree in theatre from NYU. And you—I guess I know what you’re doing now. I pretty much watch you every night.”

“How do you watch me if you’re at the theatre?”

“I might—or might not—DVR you on Hulu.”

“Oh—wow. That’s so—”

“Shut up! Don’t get a big head. A lot of people do that. Yours is the best daily news on the air. You don’t take sides, and you pay as much attention to the non-political shit as you do the political bullshit.”

“Yeah. That was the one thing I insisted on when I started this gig.”

“Grey?”

“Yeah?”

“Seriously, why—after all this time—did you get in touch with me? I know it wasn’t to chit chat about our careers.”

“Well, I’m doing some serious work on myself and my life. I’m in Hawaii on a not-so-relaxing retreat. Well, to be honest, this process has opened the Rafe floodgates—and I need to clear some shit up with you.”

“Hey—Grey—that was sixteen or so years ago. We were both kids, we both made mistakes, and we both moved on.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Rafe.”

“Yeah? I kissed my straight best friend, professed my undying love, and when he rejected me, I shut myself off and made my parents put me into another school. I wanted to call you and apologize so many times—but I couldn’t do it. I was so fucking embarrassed and—well—ashamed.”

“I pushed you away. I never had a thought of how incredibly difficult it might have been for you to kiss me—or tell me you loved me. And I didn’t try to contact you, either. I couldn’t. Talking to you again scared the shit out of me.”

“Scared you? All this time you were scared—and now you’re not? What the hell scared you, Grey?”

“All this time, I’ve been telling myself that you scared me—that I was afraid of you. But now—now I know the truth. I wasn’t scared of you. I was afraid of myself—and the truth.”

“The truth? What are you saying? Are you trying to—”

“The truth is—I’m sorry—this is kind of hard. The truth is—I was scared because I really liked it when you kissed me. I was scared that all the feelings I had held inside for you probably meant that I was in love with my best friend. But I was terrified that I was gay and my mother would find out. That wouldn’t have been a—”

“And how is Judy Mackalvich?”

“Oh, pretty much the same—for now, at least—that might change soon enough.”

“Sorry, I interrupted—I’m still a rude motherfucker.”

“So—here in Hawaii—I have been paired with this guy from Switzerland. His name is Lucas. Earlier last week, he kissed me—and I broke off the kiss, told him I wasn’t gay and ran out of the room. Sound familiar?”

“Hmph—yeah.”

“Only this time, all I could see was you. All I could see was the hurt on your face when I had said the same thing to you all those years ago. It was like traveling back in time. All I wanted to do was take you in my arms, tell you I loved you, and kiss the fuck out of those pouty lips.”

“Grey, are you saying—”

“Well—long story short—Lucas gave me some time and then came down to my suite. We had a long and amazing talk. He helped me realize—and accept—a lot about myself that I had been pushing away for years.

“Please don’t hate me—although you have every right to—but, Rafe—You were right all those years ago, and yes—I’m gay. If there’s one wish I have in this world—it’s that I could go back sixteen years. I would kiss you back. I would tell you that I really did love you. And then we would have had hot, teenage sex—which probably would have been awkward and wouldn’t have lasted very long.”

There was silence on the other end of the call. Well, I guess I fucked up again. This was such a bad idea!

“You there? I’m so, so sorry if I—”

“I’m here.”

“Are you okay?”

“The main thing is—are you okay?”

“I’m good, Rafe. Even better now that I can finally be honest with you—and myself.”

“You know—I never hated you for breaking off that kiss. I hated myself more. I hated that I made assumptions about you—about us. I hated that I put you in a position that kinda freaked you out. Mom kept saying to give you time—that you’d get things figured out. I guess she was right.”

“I don’t think she figured on sixteen years, huh?”

“Probably not. Not that I have been obsessed with you for sixteen years—at least I didn’t think so. When I got the ASM job at Hamilton, my boyfriend wasn’t too happy about all the time the job was going to keep us apart. A few weeks in, he broke up with me and said that I could learn to be happy with my obsessive fantasy of Greyson Myers. Danny and I had been together for almost eighteen months. That was the longest relationship I’ve ever had. There were a few others—nothing much to write home about, though.

“Maybe Danny was right. Maybe I was a little obsessed with you—watching you on television five nights a week and reading about you nearly every day. But hearing you tell me this—that you are gay makes me wonder what things would have been like if we had had this conversation sixteen years ago. Part of me is happy for you. Part of me is angry at you. Part of me is scared for you and what this could do to your career.”

“I get it. I’m certainly not going to tell you how to feel about all this. How you feel is your choice, and I’ll honor that choice. And trust me, I have several other calls to make—I just had to call you first—you were the most important person I betrayed.”

“You didn’t betray me, Grey. If you betrayed anyone, it might have been yourself—and I totally get your reasons.”

“So—do you have any questions?”

“Just one—this guy from Switzerland—is he, uhm—like your boyfriend now?”

“Lucas is an amazing man—but he’s going through a lot of his own shit right now. I will always love Lucas for what he’s shown me—for what he’s taught me—for what he’s helped me see. Boyfriend? No—I don’t see how that could even work. And besides, he lives and works in Switzerland. I don’t see having a boyfriend living several thousands of miles away. Especially now—because all I can think of is kissing you again, so we can at least make that mistake right.”

“Oh, Jesus. I never thought I would hear you say those words, Grey. But I don’t know. I shouldn’t be the one to hold you back from something you want—not after sixteen years. It’s been a long, long time.”

“I’m not saying that we’re going to kiss and suddenly fall in love to the point where you move into my Brooklyn loft, or I meet you every night at the stage door.”

“Brooklyn? I do love me some Brooklyn.”

God, it was nice to laugh again. Even when we were kids, Rafe always knew the perfect time to drop a one-liner and crack me—or both of us—up.

“Thanks. I needed that laugh. It was getting a little heavy here.”

“Yeah. So—what do we do now?”

“Can I call you when I get back to the city? I would love to see you again.”

“You just want that kiss, don’t you!”

“Well—we can add that to the schedule of events—but if anything—I just want to see you, Rafe. I want to see if I can get my best friend back in my life.”

“Then let’s make that happen. It will be awesome seeing you in person—not just on my phone or laptop.”

“I have your number in my phone now. I’ll be in touch and call you when I get back. I leave Hawaii Sunday night and will be back in the city Monday afternoon.”

“Sounds good. And Grey—?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for calling. It means more than you’ll ever know.”

“You can show me Monday night.”

“Yeah? Careful what you ask for.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Goodnight, Rafe. Thanks for calling me back.”

“G’nite, Newsboy. Talk to you soon.”

We ended the call, and I stayed out on the balcony. Now I was curious. I needed to look up Rafe and, at the very least, see what sixteen years have done to the boy!

Nothing—absolutely nothing. I pulled up my phone and sent Rafe a text.

ANCHORGREY: How can I stalk you online if you don’t have a shred of presence?

HAMILRAFE: Ha! It’s milNer now. Union already had a Rafe Miller, so I had to change my name.

ANCHORGREY: Ahhh, Got it. Back to my stalking! ❤️

HAMILRAFE: Enjoy! And btw—thanks for calling. Meant a lot.

ANCHORGREY: Same

First up—Instagram. I find a couple of Rafe Milners, but none of them look anything like Rafe used to look. I tried Rafael Milner. There! Just one—and hoooooly fuck! Rafe is hot!

I went to a few other social media pages—same pic. I can’t believe he got a tattoo! Does his mother know? Jesus! I have got to get over this worrying-about-mothers thing I have going.

I learned a little bit more about Rafe while I was stalking him. He was with the Hamilton company while they were still Off-Broadway. After moving into the Richard Rogers, the producers asked him to stage-manage the first national touring company for a year. He returned to the Broadway company two months ago. He’s a busy man—and evidently quite good at what he does.

I checked the time on my phone and couldn’t believe it was already 3:37. I sent a text to Lucas to see how he was doing.

He called me back and said he was fine—now that he’d had a chance to talk to Erik’s sister. He said it was pretty emotional, but a lot of that was probably because it was the middle of the night back in Switzerland.

He asked how my afternoon was, and I told him I had a nice, long conversation with Rafe.

“How was that for you?”

“It was good. I was able to speak with Rafe’s mother, and she gave him my cell number. He called me back within five minutes.”

“You sound excited.”

“I am—and confused—and scared, too.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“Yeah. Maybe over dinner. Let’s eat by the pool and walk on the beach after, okay?”

“Sounds perfect. I’ll see you in a bit. Heading downstairs now.”

“Ciao.”

“Bye.”

I stepped out of the elevator just as the other one opened. Lucas stepped out and smiled at me. He must have had a difficult conversation with Erik’s sister.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I am now. It was a pretty emotional conversation—especially when I read my letter to Angela.”

“Whoa—I can only imagine how emotional that got.”

“Let’s go in and wrap up this day.”

We went back into the room. The chairs were in the large circle, which could only mean we were in for some sharing. Hopefully, I wouldn’t be included in that!

Once we were all seated, Francesca walked around the circle, making eye contact with everyone. “Well, I can see that many of you had a pretty significant breakthrough this afternoon. Of course, a significant breakthrough can also mean some considerable emotional roller coasters. Now, with just a show of hands, how many of you attempted to contact the person to whom you wrote your letter?”

All but a few people—including Lucas—raised their hands.

“Now—how many of you succeeded in speaking with that person?”

A little more than half of the group kept their hands raised.

“That’s very good. The typical percentage is somewhere around a third of the group. Greyson—why don’t you share with us your experience this afternoon?”

I think that woman is psychic. She had to know I was hoping she wouldn’t call on me—so she did! I took a deep breath and started:

“Okay—I didn’t’ know where to begin, but I remembered that I had the Miller’s land-line number in my phone all those years ago. I scrolled through and was surprised to find it was still in my contacts. I dialed it and was happy and surprised to hear Mrs. Miller’s voice.

“We talked a bit, and she said she would give Rafe my number and have him call me back. It only took five minutes for my phone to buzz, but I have to admit it was probably the longest five minutes of my life.

“It was crazy, though. The first thing out of Rafe’s mouth was just like something he would have said all those years ago. I don’t know if I should say it, though.”

“Go ahead—we’re all adults here.”

“Okay. Rafe said, ‘You fucking son-of-a-bitch! It took you long enough! What? Sixteen fucking years?’”

It was nice to hear some laughter in the room for a change. “Well, we ended up having a great talk. I apologized. Rafe apologized. And—well—we’re going to meet up as soon as I get back to New York. He’s living in the city as well.”

“Excellent. Would anyone else like to share?”

We listened to a few other people. Most everyone had a good experience as I had had. There were some emotional experiences, some of which didn’t go as well as hoped for, but all-in-all—this was a beneficial afternoon for just about everyone.

Lucas and I had a nice, quiet dinner by the pool. When we had finished, we headed for the beach and began walking around the lagoon. After about five minutes of walking, I spoke up.

“So—Lucas—I told Rafe about you—and us. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course, I don’t mind. I would think I’ve been a part of this journey for you. I know you’ve been a huge part of mine. I also told Angela about you.”

“How did that go?”

“She immediately asked if you were my boyfriend now.”

“Funny—Rafe asked the same thing.”

“What did you tell him? If you don’t mind sharing.”

“I told Rafe that you were probably one of the most important people in my life. I told him that I would forever love you for helping me see my truth—for helping me explore the things I’ve always wondered about. But I also told him that you weren’t my boyfriend.”

“I said nearly the same to Angela. I told her that you will always have a special place in my heart for showing me the possibilities of loving again—and I do love you, Greyson—more than I ever thought I could love anyone.”

“But?”

“But, there were two things I realized and told Angela as they came to my mind. The first was the geography thing. We live half a world apart. We both have careers that are our dreams. If I have a boyfriend, I want to be with him all the time.”

I chuckled and asked Lucas was the second thought was.

“The second thought was that even though you showed me how I could open my heart to someone again, I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend yet. That’s not a reflection on you, by any means. It’s just—I don’t know—too soon for me to move on to another man.”

“Thank you, Lucas. I’m happy—and relieved—that we are both on the same page. I will always love you—and I fully intend to have you in my life for a long, long time. But I have one question—request, really.”

“What’s that, Grey?”

“Will you please fuck me tonight? That’s the only thing I haven’t experienced yet.”

Lucas pulled me into his arms and smiled. “Oh? The anchorman wants to feel a hard dick sliding into his virgin ass?”

Wow! Lucas’s comments and the look in his eyes had my cock hard and throbbing in seconds!

“I need you, Lucas. I need you now!”

“Come and get it then!”

Lucas pulled away, turned around, and started running back to the resort. By the time we made it into the lobby, we were both panting, sweating, and had to bend over with our hands on our knees.

“Bastard! You’re gonna make me work for this, aren’t you?”

Lucas grinned at me and took my hand. “My room. Shower first.”

Lucas and I kissed all the way up the elevator. It was a different kiss than before. This one was all about physical contact. Pure. Unadulterated. Physical. Attraction.

We got into the shower and cleaned each other thoroughly. We gave each other a blow job with the hot water cascading down our backs. I had already learned that a pre-sex blowjob helped the upcoming good stuff last longer. I was all for lasting longer for my first fuck!

I have to say that Lucas was a fantastic teacher. He was gentle (when he needed to be) and forceful (when I begged him to be). Lucas took his time getting me ready. He waited until I literally begged him to put his cock inside me. Bastard!

I think the best part of the entire night was watching Lucas fuck me. God! His muscles were ripped. His skin was shiny with sweat. The look on his face was one of disbelief and passion all rolled into one.

When Lucas started to fill me with his hot nut, he let out a moaning howl that was a release of so much more than just his balls. After we cleaned each other’s bodies, Lucas pulled me into his arms.

“That was incredible, Grey. I don’t know if you could tell, but when I was letting go of my cum, it was like I was letting go of all the bullshit that had prevented me from being intimate with another man.”

“I could tell. It was an amazing thing to see. I’m glad I was the one to help you with that.”

“Me too, Greyson. How was it for you?”

“It was—fucking off-the-charts, Lucas. It hurt at first, but I knew it was going to get better soon enough. Once it started to feel good—it was—I don’t know—better than anything I’ve ever felt in my life.”

“You’re too good for my ego!”

“No! Seriously. It makes me regret all those lost years I could’ve been having awesome sex instead of just going through the motions with—what was her name? Oh—whoever that woman I married.”

We had a wonderful time holding each other before we fell asleep. I guess not having the pressures of a relationship helped with that. But speaking of that woman I married, the next day was allotted to more time to contact the people on our list.

I decided to try and call Elizabeth. The conversations I needed to have with Beverly and my mother were going to happen face-to-face.

I was surprised Elizabeth answered my call as quickly as she did. Hell, I was surprised she picked it up at all.

“Grey! Are you okay? Is it true?”

“Wait! Whoa! What?”

“You haven’t seen it?”

“Seen what?”

“The Weekly Buzz”

“No. I’m at a secluded resort in Maui. I’m doing a conference thing.”

“From the looks of things, that’s not all you’re doing.”

“I don’t understand. What are you talking about?”

“I’m hanging up. I’ll take a picture and send it to you. I’ll call back in a couple of minutes.”

I was confused as shit until my phone buzzed, and there it was.

NNN NEWS STUD FINDS HIS BEACH BOY TOY

Right there, on the cover, was Lucas and me—kissing on the beach at the far end of the lagoon. That was four or five days ago. Fuck!

My phone buzzed with Elizabeth’s call.

“Grey? Are you okay? Is it true?”

“Fuck! Fuck my life!”