The Wink - 16. Chapter 16

‘Hello Jason.’

‘Kathy.’

Long pause.

‘This is weird. I don’t know what to say.’

Kathy just stared at Jason.

‘Well you had plenty to say to the Peninsula Times. Everyone knows what you are now. Have you talked to your father?’

‘No, just mother.’

Another lengthy pause.

A reporter from the ‘Peninsula Times’ newspaper asked Jason for an interview following the dramatic closure of ‘Elysium Meadows’. At first Jason disliked the idea but Eric talked him into it. The more negative publicity these places got would help gay people. Of course the downside meant that Jason would ‘come out’ to everybody; including his boss.

Now, several days after coming home – home meant Eric’s apartment – he called Kathy. Not that he dreaded the confrontation because, well . . . he did. He had to face the music at some stage, so now here they were, in a sunny little coffee shop, facing each other.

I feel so weird. A month ago I had everything. Now that’s all gone. Is it worth it? Well now I’m not living a lie and trying to live up to others expectations. It’s strange I feel remote but relaxed. I’ve made the big move and what happens now isn’t up to me. If I get fired well, so be it. I’ll try and sort things out with Kathy, purely on the basis what’s good for both of us and, of course, the baby. (sigh) There’s no doubt Kathy is pretty, and there’s no doubt I love her. Looking at her closely she seems to be on the verge of tears. What a mess.

‘I won’t ask how you’re feeling because I can see you’re upset. I totally understand. If there’s . . . ‘

‘Upset! You think I’m upset? The man I married, the man I conceived a child with, the man whom promised to love and cherish me, has just announced to the world that he’s a poofter – a dirty . . .’

‘Please Kathy, there’s no need to name-call. I understand your disappointment and disapproval . . .’

‘(Raising her voice) Disapproval? Disappointment? There really aren’t any adequate words for how I feel; about you, about what you are. The word gay has been hijacked to make your filthy life-style less sickening. And what about God? The Good Book expressly condemns who and what you are. Are you prepared to live eternity in hell just to have a few moments of disgusting sex? How you must have . . .

The conversation stopped whilst the waitress brought their coffees over, fussing about the placement. She obviously wanted to eavesdrop.

‘ . . . how you must’ve laughed at me for my pitiful attempts at sex. I went to a convent school . . .’

‘Kathy stop! No-ones laughing at you, certainly not me. If others laugh at you then they’re just cruel. None of this is your fault; you’re entirely blameless. I’m the wicked one, I’m the bad. This is all my doing and I’m prepared for the consequences.’

‘Consequences, consequences? Why did you marry me Jason, knowing you were a deviant, a queer? That’s what I call cruel. You knew what you were, yet still went ahead and married me. Why? Why? Why?’

‘It’s really, really complicated. I love you Kathy . . . no, please don’t say anything; please hear me out. I do love you and always will. It’s just I had this thing inside and really believed my love for you would over-ride these desires. I really believed that, and I thought it worked. For some time our married life conquered my attraction to males and I thought I’d been cured. Then slowly, insidiously the old thoughts and desires crept back in. I tried to ignore, but then realized being gay is fundamentally a part of who I am. Nevertheless, I kept trying to push these feelings away but I started to become more and more anxious. I felt miserable . . .’

‘So to overcome your own misery you decided to make others miserable. To hurt as many close people as possible just to make yourself less contemptible. That’s disgusting . . .’

‘No, no, no! I never wanted to hurt others, certainly not yourself. No, no, no. Y’see no one can change who they fundamentally are. We all have to accept who we are and try and be happy. That awful place I attended, fraudulently tried to change me but they can’t. As you know they used medieval techniques on one poor guy and it backfired terribly. If you could’ve . . .’

‘I’m not interested in talking about what happened to one of your disgusting mates. I’m only interested in what’s gonna happen now.’

‘Yes, of course. Look I’m not gonna walk away from my responsibilities to you and to our child. By the way how are you going? Do you . . .’

‘I’m doing well . . . no, I’m not. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat; I’ve got no appetite. I should be doing exercises to help with the delivery, but lack the motivation. I’m A FUCHING MESS JASON! (crying) I really hate you Jason, what you’ve done to me is inhuman. Best you keep away from my dad; he would like to kill you . . .’

‘Oh I’m so sorry. I suppose I can’t blame him. We’ll have to see each other after the baby’s born . . .’

‘NO! OH NO, NO, NO! I can’t deny you access because you are (sneering) the baby’s father. That’s something we’ll work out. For the time being I don’t want you near me. Don’t you dare come to the hospital when I go into labour. I’ve left instructions that you’re to be escorted away by the Security people. My dad will see that you’re nowhere near. He’s never been a healthy person and this has degraded his health alarmingly. You’ve got a lot to answer for shit-head.’

Jason stared down into his cold cup of coffee. Kathy’s level of hatred rocked him, but then,

. . . maybe it’s therapeutic that she can direct all her angst towards me. Hating someone directs all those damaging negative feelings outward and allows emotions to be vented rather than bottled up. Of course what can I expect; I’m the one who’s bad, who’s destroying her life, causing her shame, and who didn’t have the guts to confront society and show my true self. I’m ashamed I didn’t have the guts to own up when I knew a poofter I am. If only . . . HOLD ON! That’s not right. If the hetero world weren’t so antagonistic to gays. If bloody religion weren’t telling young kids that being gay is a sin and you’d rot in hell. If, in the past, you were regarded as a criminal just for being yourself. If the bastards believe you actually make a choice being gay . . . IF, IF, IF. NO!

I’m not bad, it’s the bloody Bible and all these religious nuts like me father that are wrong. Very, very, wrong. And they get away with it because they’re good Christians. WELL, FUCK ‘EM. Of course I can’t say any of this to Kathy; but I’m not going to belittle myself by begging forgiveness.

Still with his thoughts running wild he looked Kathy straight in the eye.

‘Listen Kathy, there’s nothing I can do or say that’s gonna change your attitude. Right? (she nodded cautiously) Then so be it. Maybe in time you may soften up, but I’m not waiting around. I have to get on with my life and so do you. Hate me . . . that’s OK. Do your worst . . . I’m not going to lose any sleep. The strange thing is I actually feel stronger within myself after our talk. Get a legal shit-head if you will . . . I really don’t care. I’m going now; I’ll settle the bill.’

16.2 Eric, Jason, Karl

Ever since coming back to Eric’s place, a strange undercurrent prevailed. Eric had not made any intimate overtures but instead seemed eager to hear about Jason’s so-called ‘treatment’ . Even now he seemed overly anxious to hear about Jason’s meeting with Kathy.

‘From what you’ve told me you handled that well. It seems you stole the moral high ground from wifie; I would love to see the look on her face when you walked out.’

‘Oh I don’t know Eric, I didn’t have any plan, just went in cold. I spoke my mind from my heart. Frankly, I’m no longer afraid of what she’ll do. It’s up to her – not me.’

Rather than sitting close together they sat across the room from each other. The situation troubled Jason, but being a guest he needed to be careful. Nonetheless, he had to find out what bothered Eric.

‘Mate, I feel a bit strange. You seem to be keeping your distance from me. Have I done anything to upset you?’

Silence.

‘(laughing) It’s not something you’ve done; it’s more what you haven’t done.’

‘Umm . . . what do you mean?’

‘It’s the hundred tonne elephant that’s sitting on my white shaggy-pile carpet. (pause) You’ve been home for nearly three days and haven’t mentioned Karl once. That’s the elephant I‘m talking about. What’s gonna happen?’

‘(sheepishly) Oh that.’

‘Yes, that.’

‘Ummm . . . I thought you didn’t want me to talk about Karl.’

‘Oh fer shit’s sake! Jason, I’m falling in love with you, but I know you’ve got the hot’s for Karl. Am I right?’

‘(nodding reluctantly) Yes, yes I am. You’ve been so good to me I don’t want to hurt you or abuse your hospitality. I honestly don’t know what to do.’

‘Well you have to talk to him; be with him to see if the feelings are strong and mutual. Now let me say it would hurt very much if you were to fuck each other in my home. That’s something I won’t allow only because of my strong feelings for you . . .call me a bitch’

‘Jeessuuss I’m sorry Eric, I’m bad. Seems I just go around making people unhappy. Please . . .’

‘Oh for Christ sake. I’m not a child anymore and you gotta be more adult. You haven’t even called him let alone seen him. If he’s in love with you, how do you think he feels knowing you’re with me and not hearing from you?’

‘Oh shit you’re right. I suppose Kathy’s been foremost in my mind and I needed to deal with her before reconnecting with Karl. I’m a shit-head aren’t I?’

‘Yes, yes you are. Now I’ve got a date, so whilst I’m away you ring Karl and get yer lives sorted out. I’ll probably be home late.’

‘A date eh? Do I know him? Is he good to you? If not I’ll tear his eyes out, cut off his balls and do a dump on him.’

‘(laughing) Jealous eh? I’ll take that as a good sign. See ya.’

16.3 Karl waits

Should I call? He’s been home for three days and not a word. I could just turn up at his little gay friend’s place . . . nah, that’d be too girlie . . . and awkward. I know I’m not his top priority . . . there’s his wife and his father . . . and of course his baby. But, Oh I do want to hear his voice . . .touch him, smell him, feel his cock going . . . Stop! Don’t go there. Be patient. Be . . . WHAT! Why shouldn’t I want to hear from the bastard, because I love the bastard. Since he’s been away it’s all I can think about. Maybe he found someone at that place and has fallen in love; maybe that’s why he don’t call. Jeesssus, I’m hallucinating, aren’t I? Think boyo, you have every right to call him and say ‘g’day mate, how’re ya going?’. Ah shit, this is love’s fault. Being in love makes ya feels so vulnerable don‘t it? I mean were we just friends I wouldn’t worry about all this emotional bullshit. I’d just say sumthin’ like ’listen cunt-face, ya got two hands so . . . give me a call’. Yeah, so, so easy. Shit I got it bad; him going off to that place were bad enough. Then, reading in the paper how it was a disaster got me worried if any harm had . . . bloody courageous of him by the way. Jason’s come out with a bang. I wonder how his family and wiffie feels about what he said . . . shit, I gotta lotta questions . . . if only he’d call . . .

. . . and just then the phone rang.

16.4 Jason and Karl Coffee

When Jason walked in, Karl stood up to greet him. No words, just a tight hug, a long tight hug that spoke volumes. Still holding hands they sat down with eyes welcoming, and lustful. Several couples nearby couldn’t help but notice the physical dynamics between these two males. A waitress, standing behind the counter, elbowed her mate to check the two boys out.

‘Bastard.’

‘I suppose I am.’

Silence; the optical conversation continued.

‘The nights were the worst. I imagined all sorts of nasties going on in that place. Imagined you in pain and being abused. (giggling) I also imagined you’d fall in love with someone there. When I heard you only lasted a week I just longed for details about . . .’

‘Excuse me boys, are you ready to order?’

Suddenly two sets of knees jumped apart, but hands were still interlocked. Almost embarrassed they ordered for the sake of ordering. When the waitress left, knees gain sought out each other.

‘Jason, I need to say something. (pause) I . . . err . . . what I want to say is, ummm . . . this is new to me. I don’t know how to express myself. I’m, I’m a bit scared . . . (pause) of making a fool of meself, but anyway . . .’

‘Karl from the moment you winked at me, and then when we embraced on the beach, well . . . you stole my heart. (Karl’s heartrate soared) Slowly I came to realize my love for Kathy was incomplete because there weren’t any physical attraction. Something happened in that church, didn’t it? (Karl nodded) At the time I didn’t know what had happened because these feelings I have for you advanced slowly. (giving Karl’s hand a squeeze) I thought of you . . .’

‘Alright chaps, let me put these down. Sorry for interrupting. Just take as much time as you want. If you want refills, just holla. Enjoy.’

Both men looked down at steaming cups of coffee as if they were intruding. In a way they were.

‘Yes, in a way you’re correct; my love started slowly but over the past weeks it’s escalated. Look, maybe I’m just a kid whereas you’re a mature twenty-six. There’s eight years between . . .’

‘Shut it! Age, or age differences have nothing to do with us. At least not for me. I just want to spend my time with you – a long time with you. Let’s not talk about ages . . . If I had to get up suddenly, I’d be a social disgrace. I need you boyo in the most basic way.’

‘Yeah please, I want to talk about sex because that’s all I’ve been thinking about lately; at night, at school, at play, eating, drinking and pissing. (lowering his voice) I’ve even started to prepare myself so that we can be joined together. You know what I mean (Jason nodded) I don’t suppose your friend Eric would let us . . .’

‘No. No absolutely not. Look I should level with you about Eric. The night Kathy kicked me out I stayed with Eric, and . . . well, I was feeling bad and I kinda slipped in the moral stakes. It only happened once I promise and definitely won’t happen again. The trouble is he’s developed some feelings for me. He made it quite clear you and I having sex at his place is a big no. That’s why . . .’

‘Come again? Shit! You had sex with him while at the same time I’m getting desperate with need. I could’ve asked Billy y’know, to just get me off . . . but I didn’t because I’m holding myself for you. I’m not interested in an open relationship Jason. If you need to have sex on the side with anyone that takes yer fancy count me out. Not interested – not gonna happen, boyo. If that’s the way you’re thinking then you’ve completely misjudged me. I’m still smarting over Billy cheating on me. If you think I’m weak, then maybe I am; If you think I’m immature, then maybe I am; if you think I’m a pushover, then I’m definitely not! You hurt Jason, that really hurt . . .’

‘Oh fuck! I’m so sorry . . . the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I only brought that up because to me it’s a non-issue. Eric knows I love you and that’s that. I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said. I want stability in my life and that specifically excludes an open relationship. I’m going through the breakup of my current relationship and it’s painful. It’s only because I love you so much that I’m entering another union. Please forgive me.’

‘(sympathetic) Yeah I guess your life’s a bit messy right now. I wouldn’t like to be I your shoes and I want to help. (hesitating) But let’s talk about us. I want to be together with you, to share, to wake up beside you, and . . . most of all . . . to fuck with you. But look at us. I’m living at home and you’ve just lost your home. It seems the whole situation is conspiring against us, and . . . and, it’s frustrating.’

‘Baby, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. What you say is true and something has to change. I figured the ball’s in my court. I haveta find a place to stay, kinda permanent. I don’t want to live at Eric’s place. I gotta find out if I still have a job; it’s a painful phone call I’m not looking forward to. If I get fired it won’t be a disaster because I’m a good mechanic and should get another job easy like. When I find a place, you can then decide to move in with me or just visit part-time. Up to you . . . and, most importantly, your parents. How does that sound?’

Karl reached over and squeezed Jason’s hand and applied pressure against his knee.

‘Sounds terrific. As to the ‘rents, I’d like you to meet them. Of course I want to stay with you full-time, but I’d be happy if my folks approved. Let me talk to them. Now I’ve just had an idea . . . .’